For a second, after Petra explains Mikasa's report card to me, there's a comfortable silence where I take a look at our daughter's results in School, but there isn't much to it. I've never been one to pay that much attention to the little digits telling me her scores in the different disciplines. I was good in school, but I didn't make a big deal of it and I tried to give that attitude to Mikasa... because she's pretty good once she puts her mind to something. As usual, I get a little smile at the sight of the 100% in P.E. at the very bottom of the paper before I lift my head to look back at Petra, but she's not where I expect her to be. No. She's standing right there and she's staring straight at me like she waited for me.

''I heard you took a few days off work'' she starts and I feel like I am now waiting for it as she opens her mouth and spills it out; her usual worries and her usual question. ''Do you want to take a break and take Mikasa next week instead?''

And the answer is already ready for her.

''No, I'm good.''

She nods and she returns to her work in the kitchen where I follow her instead of going outside to the loud voices of everyone having a bit too much fun. I've never been much of a guy to party, but it's always the same every summer on Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day... I never manage to get out of it. Even if I wasn't on vacation, I wouldn't be able to use work as an excuse. Yeah, on this National Shitty Holiday there isn't such a thing as : Work. It always gets me invited to Petra's place for food, beer, fire, fireworks and too much socialization with too many people, as in; Petra's family and some of their friends, Mikasa's friend Sasha, Erwin with Mike and, finally, me. All this to say; I'd rather stay inside and assist Petra in whatever she's doing than go outside to talk to everyone. Sure, I get along with Erwin and there's nothing about it, but Mike is weird and meeting Auruo's friend has never been an interest. Meeting new people in general has never been something to look forward to.

Meeting Armin wasn't something I wanted to do when I did. I just didn't have a choice.

''I just needed to get my mind off the stuff I'm working on at work...'' I add to it as I follow her and I realize I didn't need to say that, but I do anyway... as If I want her to know.

''That's unlike you, you always managed to keep 'Home Business' at home and 'Work Business' at work before. What happened?''

I do. I want her to know.

It's not about love. It's about friendship. Because Petra wasn't just my wife or my girlfriend, ever since we got old enough to turn our friendship into dating... She was my best friend all along and, as I listen to her over the food she's making while Auruo is at the barbecue outside; I miss her as my best and closest friend. She would probably listen to all this stories about Eren Jaeger. She wouldn't judge. She wouldn't call me a weirdo or anything. She'd just try her best to help just like she did when I met Erwin Smith for the first time. This time, again, I'd probably feel good about opening up to her, but... This time, it's different and it's unrealistic for me to see things through. It's impossible.

I can't let her know.

''Nothing really... I'm probably just over thinking it and it leads me nowhere, except being tired.''

Is this what Armin meant when he said not to let them know? Did he mean everyone from back then?... like Petra? Like Mikasa? Nearly every single person around me is from back then! Do I have to mourn alone? Do I have to keep all of it to myself? I want Eren Jaeger to be there, damn it! No. I want none of this to ever happen to me! I probably wouldn't care. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't dream of him. Hell, I wouldn't dream of touching him. I wouldn't feel this shitty over someone who doesn't even exist and, finally, I wouldn't need to talk about it. About him.

-X-

''I don't know what's the deal, but you guys need to mind your own business.'' I groan as I sit next to Erwin Smith at the Campfire... I don't even know if this is Mike's seat or not. It doesn't matter since he's in the pool anyway and nowhere close to getting out from all the fun I can hear coming out of there.

''What are you talking about?'' he asks and I swear... He knows what I'm talking about.

''Don't make me copy Auruo and call you guys the Rivaille's FanClub'' It's so silly, I can't believe I said that out loud... but it makes Erwin laugh when he hears my stoic voice say it so damn seriously. Auruo says it in that particular way that always makes you laugh, but me... Nah, I'm not funny. I just use his expression because it's incredibly appropriate right now considering that my two exes are friends... and talking about me.

''I merely told my friend, Petra, about your sudden need of a vacation because it surprised me when I heard about it from Mike...''

''I don't even want to know why your boyfriend is telling you about what I do at work.''

I sigh. Don't worry. He laughs. It's not like that. I do not give that much of a good impression on people I dated and it's not like I'm outstanding at sex either. I guess I'm just lucky I made good friends along the line somewhere... even if they're a little bit too invading. Other than both being my friend, none of this is about me. Petra knew Erwin Smith before I did. She liked him before I did because she was always the one to go to School to see Mikasa's teacher. I can tell you one thing though; when I got the chore of going at the time, I wanted to go to all of them just to see this fine piece of man stand there and tell me about how skillful my daughter is... and somewhere along the line, our meetings weren't that much about Mikasa's skill in sport, I can tell you that.

Erwin Smith marked the end of my relationship with Petra upon the realization that I simply wasn't heterosexual and there was nothing else to it. They didn't stop being friends for it. It was hard at first, for her more than for him, but Petra admitted quickly that our relationship was more platonic than anything... and if my relationship with Erwin Smith was something, it definitely wasn't platonic. It was more sexual than anything and once we got tired of it, it was over just like that. I didn't lose anyone I loved. I saw them come and go, but I ended up lucky enough for them not to go too far... even though I wish they would go a little bit further, but that's alright.

That's my 'FanClub' like Auruo calls them... Stupid as fuck, but whatever.

''Mike isn't the jealous type, if anything... He kind of likes you.''

''Great. Another one.'' It's sarcastic. The 'R' of great rolls on my tongue a little bit too long to be an honest answer and I'm on my way to add something else to it before he talks, but... No.

''He said you yelled at the machine to log you out and it surprised everyone.''

Oh. Oooh... I see.

''It was nothing. I was surprised by...''

''Daddy yells it too sometimes at home.'' starts Mikasa suddenly joining in and I swear... If I could make her shut the fuck up with my eyes alone; I would. I feel Erwin's eyes on me and I look at her without giving in to him. Or her. Drop it. They should all drop it. It doesn't matter. I want to forget it. I don't want to be reminded of it... of him, but Mikasa smiles and she turns about Erwin to add: ''He wakes up very panicked, but it fades away.''

Damn kids!

''Ooh'' sighs Erwin and I cringe at it.

''It's fine. I'm just having nightmares about something happening in it... and I freak out when I'm reminded of it... in it.'' I avoid saying the Replayer with it because I don't want Mikasa to understand and I know Erwin gets it. Of course, it's not true. I'm not going to tell him something like : Hey, I'm dreaming I am getting at it with Eren Jaeger. NO WAY IN HELL! At the same time, it's not exactly a lie either. He can't possibly know what happened in the Replayer when I freaked out. He doesn't work there. Mike does, but Erwin Smith is just a teacher.

''What's it?''

''Nothing.'' I tell her and here comes my attempt to direct this conversation in another direction! ''Where's Sasha?''

''She went to get her cell phone to show me her boyfriend!''

''Ah, I see...'' Wait. ''Boyfriend?''

''Yes, her boyfriend. It's Connie!'' Oh god, I didn't want to think about that kind of stuff for a few years yet... Don't tell me I'll have to watch out for boys around my daughter now!?

''I know Connie Springer, he's a good kid. I have him in one of my classes.''

''Hey, Erwin... Why do you have Sasha's boyfriend in your class? I thought you only teach in Secondary School.''

''I do, but...''

''Connie is seventeen years old and he plays baseball!'' suddenly interrupts Sasha while showing us a picture of a boy with her phone and Damn! I know Sasha is two years older than Mikasa and she met Mikasa because of the Daycare Center and because they've been living close, but Still! Seventeen? That explains why Erwin knows him.

I don't want my daughter to hang out around such hormonal teenagers thinking about nothing, but shoving their dicks somewhere!... so, when she asks : ''Can we go see his Baseball match on Thursday?''

I tell her the most appropriate answer :

''Fine, but... I'll go with you.''

And that's how I ended up dragged into this.

-X-

I had no plans on how to keep myself busy while I was on break. Nothing. I was going to go with the flow of things. I wanted Mikasa home to keep me busy with her plans and her energy. I wasn't really complaining about this stupid baseball match. I'm not a big fan of sports, I've never been. Everyone seems to be fans of the Canadian of Montreal, our Hockey Team while I'm not. Of course, I have no interest in the Baseball Match of some teenagers, but... Hey! Mikasa is my excuse. She keeps me out of the house and I make sure nothing happens to her while she's there talking to Connie with Sasha. He introduces her to his friends from the Baseball Team, even boys from the other Team and I barely pay attention... as long as they keep their distance, I'm good. I do not pay attention to any of the boys from the opposite team and, of course, it's not until the match starts and she comes back to sit right next to me with Sasha that I hear of it...

''Oh my god, Mikasa! Like... He looks sooo good!'' says Sasha with a intense expression as she feeds herself potato chips eagerly. I can pretty much see every little remnant of chips left on her mouth when she speaks like this... Ew.

''Close your mouth when you're speaking, Sasha. I don't need to see what you're having for a meal.''

Shut up, Rivaille is pretty much the answer I get as they both ignore me and keep going about how that boy was cute. He had such pretty eyes. He had such a pretty smile. He had such... To hell with boys!

I feel like I'm watching the match more than Mikasa and Sasha... which I probably am and that's pretty impressive considering how I go over each one of these boys in an attempt to find THE one Mikasa finds cute without really watching the game, but I must have shitty taste because I can't find the boy who's supposedly that pretty until I reach the boy standing tall in the middle of the court; the pitcher.

Then, only then, I knew this whole idea to see Baseball was a bad idea... probably the worst.

I can't really describe how it happens or how I know it does. I just know it when my eyes meet his. It doesn't matter how far from each other we are, I'd recognize him anywhere. It's from the way he moves as he removes this stupid baseball cap, wipes the sweat off his forehead, lifts his head and stares into the distance and, finally, to the way his eyes open wide when they look in my direction. It's that perfect and never changing color... It's green. It's that tanned skin like coffee with milk. It lasts for an instant, but it's enough to turn me upside down. One look, that's all it takes for me too feel the stupid butterflies in my stomach. That's all it takes for me to fall back... back in Levi's place.

It lasts just an instant, but I feel the whole world shutting down around me. No usual intro to dive in and put me in Levi's shoes, there's nothing. It's just there and I dive in the green. Leaf. Green. Grass. Green. Trees and flowers blowing fast enough for me to see them. Head in the grass with a tree above and the wind blowing through its leaves, that's what comes to me in a rush... a surge through my nervous system and I find myself standing up as the boy looks away to throw the ball like nothing happened. And hey, maybe nothing happened for real... but No, I have to go home. I can't. I just can't possibly deal with a fucking lookalike... I just can't.

Why can't I fucking have one day alone!?

''We're leaving.''

''Eh? Why?''

''Stop whining and let's go!''

...and that's how I manage to destroy Mikasa's day at a stupid baseball match with my obsessions.

I don't even know how I drive back to Sasha's home and drop her there. I don't know how I get home, I just know I'm at the door of the apartment with Mikasa behind me and I find my way to my bedroom as I break down against a closed door... like I've seen a fucking ghost.