I search for him under the covers, for the source of the warmth of the bed. I turn and turn. I keep my eyes shut not willing to wake up completely yet. It's not there. It's not clinging to me like it is sometimes, so I search further away from me. I search for him between the sheets with my hand traveling against the mattress till it reaches the warm body of Eren Jaeger... but there's nothing to reach. The bed is warm, yeah, but it's only because of my own heat. It's comfortable, it is, but it's cold as cold can be when my hand drops after meeting with... well, nothing. Right, because Eren Jaeger wasn't there to begin with. He wouldn't be. Never.
I wake up fully after that. I admit it though; I take a glance to my side as if the boy would be sleeping there peacefully and, for a second, I see it. I see him laying there on his stomach with his face buried in his pillow. I see it. I imagine his chocolate hair poking out from under the covers... No. I'm not imagining it; I'm recalling it briefly before being hit by the reality of an empty bed. I crawl back into the heat with a sigh and my own disappointment gets on my nerves. When I finally give up and get out of the bed to start my day, it says 11:11 on the clock and I take an instant before leaving the room to wish stupidly for a good day.
...but it's a failure the moment I leave the room.
"Hold on! He asked you to... What?" I recognize my daughter's excited voice in the living room where she had her little pyjama party with Sasha last night, because I felt like I needed to make up with Mikasa after my weird behavior of the other day at the Baseball Match... I never said I was the best dad in the world, did I? I walk into the hallway expecting them to have a normal conversation, but I hear the worst thing I could expect to hear first thing in the morning in this situation:
"...Connie asked me if I wanted to try putting it in my mouth."
I don't know why I know what they're talking about. It might be the way she insists on it or the way she speaks secretively, like she's kind of shy about it... but also excited at the same time. I just know what it means and what Connie asked to put in her mouth. After all, it's coming from Sasha and I always thought she was ahead of Mikasa in that kind of stuff, but... I didn't expect that. I'd rather have my daughter as far as possible from that kind of thing.
I cough loudly before entering the living room to make Sasha shut up about her sexual life. I don't really feel like knowing that kind of thing... God, no, I'm not hearing this conversation. Sasha stops talking when I make my presence obvious and both girls lift their heads to look to me.
"Good Morning!"
"...Yeah, to you two too." I try to be pleasant, but my voice still sounds rough. I've never been a morning person and this morning hasn't been good so far after the disappointment of Eren not being next to me... well, I don't know if it's such a bad thing all things considered. I woke up alone as it should be and I probably just thought the boy at the Baseball match looked like him because I wanted him to look like him.
Yeah, that must be it.
"Did you have breakfast yet?" I ask and Sasha sits up from her position on the couch with Mikasa to look at me like she's ready to attack me... or like I'm some kind of feast. Right, because that girl is a freaking ogre when it comes to food. Her parents must be using half the groceries just on her.
"Will you make pancakes for us, Levi?"
"Yeah, Dad! That would be awesome."
Damn it. I hate cooking... but at the same time, I don't feel like having my usual toast with a coffee like every other day of the week either.
"...Fine, but you're cleaning the living room while I make them... both of you." Yeah, because I know how Sasha tends to be lazy and I insist that both of them do it, not just Mikasa. If there's anything left of their midnight snack in my living room, it's definitely not my daughter's fault, but Sasha's.
I can hear Sasha whine and Mikasa laughing when I turn around to gather everything I need in the kitchen. For an instant, it seems to me like this might have been a shitty start, but it's going to get better from now on. Mikasa and Sasha are cleaning the living room where they slept and it's starting to look like my usual living room again. I can hear them giggle from time to time and I do not pick up anything from their stupid conversation until they walk into the hallway to put back everything they used (and do the laundry). It's barely audible. It's asked in a shy little voice I'm not used to hearing from Mikasa, but I hear it clearly because this apartment is shit... and if I can hear my neighbors having sex clearly, of course I can hear what Mikasa's saying in the hallway.
"So... Did you do it?"
"No. I didn't. I tried, but it was too weird... I just couldn't do it." Oh... God. I raise the fan's power in an attempt to stop hearing this freaking conversation I don't want to know anything about this and...
"Oh my god! You didn't! You've let him down!" More importantly, I'd rather not think about Mikasa being into that kind of thing yet... It sounds to me like she can't believe Sasha didn't do it and I can't help but wonder why she seems so confident she can do it. She giggles like she's got shit under control already. Like it's all good. She doesn't have any insecurity about it for whatever reason. It's not like my daughter has any experience right? I know they teach the basics in School, but why does she sound like she knows that shit!? She doesn't. I swear... It better be a fucking facade to prove to Sasha that she's not a little girl anymore or something.
"I just didn't know what to do with it once it was right in front of me...'' There's a pause where I hope this conversation is over already, but it's not. ''You have no idea how it is... I bet you wouldn't do any better! You don't really know how to do it either, do you?"
Until now, I was trying to make as much sound as I possibly can and I admit that I drop doing that when I hear that last sentence from Sasha. I just stand there without even paying attention to what I cook as I suddenly listen and wait for an answer from Mikasa, because there is an explanation... I know there is. I could go with an explanation such as: I saw it in a movie. I'd deal with it. No, the explanation from Mikasa is a lot worse than everything I could possibly imagine... I drop the eggs I've been holding when I hear the words she tells Sasha like it's a secret; that's how bad it is.
"I know how to do it. It was very quick, but I saw my dad doing it to Erwin once..."
''B-But Levi is... and Erwin is a...''
"Fuck!" ...my life. Really? Are you fucking serious now? My daughter saw me blowing Erwin's dick when we were going out AND I made a fucking mess with my eggs. No. This must have been a goddamn joke. Somehow, my outburst seems to bring Mikasa and Sasha to the kitchen. I find them here when I get to cleaning up after myself. My daughter's face is bright red. Sasha looks at me oddly. Yeah, this wasn't a joke.
If I had to pick a word to describe breakfast after that, I'd use awkward. . Mikasa doesn't seem to know what to do or where to look between her friend and me. I feel Sasha's eyes on me, but she looks elsewhere when I take a glance at her. A bunch of people happen to get caught by their kids when they're having sex. It happened to me when I was about her age because I didn't listen to the simple : Knock before you open the door. I opened the door to a scene I didn't really feel like watching and closed the door like it never happened. I didn't talk about it and it was like everything I was taught in School... just like my teacher told me how to make babies. This time, it might be more complicated and it's probably my fault. It's shocking, of course, but I know that's not the main problem here. That's not the reason why Sasha evades my eyes. The problem lies in the part where it was Erwin and I doing it. It wasn't Petra with me and that's not the part you're usually taught in School is it?...
When I first told Mikasa about Erwin, I told her he was a very good friend... and that he might be spending a lot of time with us. She didn't seem to be enjoying Erwin as much as I did, but she didn't seem to mind him either. I answered her questions when they came up and it was simple just like that. I had that talk with Mikasa... well, I had something close to it, but Sasha isn't my daughter. She's just a little girl Mikasa met at the Day Care Center and ended up hanging out with until now... of course, Erwin was 'Levi's good friend.' Nothing else.
It's not like I felt the need to tell everyone about it. It was nothing special and I acted accordingly, even with Mikasa, but now... I'm not so sure it was such a good idea.
-X-
''Alright, listen...'' I start. I'm just trying to turn this all into something normal before I drop Sasha home... to her parents. I try to look like I know what I'm doing and it probably works, but the truth is; I have no clue where to go with this and how to bring it up correctly. I just drop the bomb. ''I heard what you were saying this morning.''
It's instant. Sasha turns red. Mikasa turns to me in a flash: ''Saying what?''
''About having oral sex and about seeing how it's done; I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry Mikasa saw that. I know it seems weird, but I can explain everything. It's not weird, I...''
''I know.''
And to my right, Mikasa nods. ''It's alright. I told her about how much you liked Erwin... just like she likes Connie, so it's fine.'' Magical Thinking; Everything is fixed with love... as if! I'm too old for this shit, but Sasha nods and I don't think I care enough about the sexual education of another girl to explain any further than that. I already have my hands full with one girl... who seems to get the drill already, luckily for me.
I'm pretty sure I should thank Petra for that though.
-X-
''Sasha's friend asked for my phone number.''
''Isn't that nice, you'll get yourself a new friend to hang out with.''
Alright, I might not be paying as much attention as I should be to what my daughter is telling me. I already forgot where this whole conversation was going as I read Armin's book again and for real this time. I could be telling you I'm reading the book out of pure interest, but... No. I'm just trying to see if I could find a clue or something in it. It's not surprising that I found nothing so far, but I keep reading what seems to be more like a message to his old friends in an attempt to find them and gather them... however, as usual, nothing is said about Eren Jaeger. It's almost as if he didn't even exist to begin with.
I'd believe it if I wasn't seeing him in the Replayer.
''Hey Dad, are you listening?''
''Sorry, what were you saying?''
Pause... She's sulking, but she says it anyway:
''Can I go to his place too?''
''Whose?''
''Connie's... His friend from the Baseball Match will be there! You don't have to worry; Sasha will be...''
''No.'' It's that. Just that. It's a simple no and I go back to reading the book in my hand...
''Why not!? They are going to be my friends too!'' Here it is... The whining.
''I don't want you to go to Connie's place to meet with some of his friends you thought were cool. You're not going. That's the end of it. Make some friends your age!''
''You started to date Mom when you were only twelve!'' Oh right. I have to admit that it isn't very bright to tell your daughter what you did and then try to go against it when she tries to do the same, but it doesn't matter.
''It was different.'' My opinion isn't changing; she's not going. ''Petra was also twelve and we were in love...''
I guess we were, yeah.
''I might love his friend too!... So that makes it okay, right?'' Here it is again; Magical Thinking. Because of love, I should be letting my daughter meet with some horny seventeen-year-old boy? Love can go to hell.
''Mikasa... You're not going.''
''I'LL TELL MOM ABOUT IT!'' She knows I'm done with this and she knows I'm not going to say yes whatever she does, but Mikasa isn't done. She walks away. Her footsteps are loud and she disappears behind the door to her room, which she closes in a violent push. Oh no, she's not. This definitely isn't the last time I'm going to hear about it.
''... Go ahead.''
-X-
Armin Arlet walks up to me. There aren't that many students hanging around the university at this time of the year and I took a chance really, but it was worth it: He's here. I can't exactly say I'm happy to see him, because that's not it really. I do not like him, but I do not dislike him either. I do not trust him, but I do not think he's a liar either. It feels like there's more to this whole thing than he's willing to tell me. It's just that he is the only person I have right now. The only person who knows what I know. The only person able to help me... or just listen.
He wears a light blue polo, which I probably would never wear, but he pulls it off. It gives his blue eyes an additional intensity when they look into mine as he stops a few meters away from me. I wouldn't wear his shorts or his sandals, but I guess it suits him with his 'Good Student' vibe. I've never been a big fan of summer... just like I've never been a 'Good Student' kind of guy.
''Hi Le-Rivaille. Why are you here? Do you remember anything or...''
There's a hesitation before he says my name. It feels like he was going to say 'Levi' for an instant and I remember the first time I met him... and how he was happy to see me. He thought I remembered. He was disappointed because I didn't. I didn't remember anything back then, but now... Now I can't say I don't.
''... or do you have a problem?''`
I do. I have one annoying problem called Eren Jaeger and that's why I came to him... because I wanted to let it out, but I don't know anymore. I can't seem to say anything. I stand there. I stare at him with his perfect little look and I can't make the words come out. Can I really tell him about it? It doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore... but he waits patiently like he knows I'm trying to tell him something and the only thing I manage to say is: ''Do you have time to talk?''
He agrees and we end up in the same cafe as last time, but we both order iced coffee. I don't feel too cheap now. Hot Coffee wasn't even possible with this heat anyway. That would be disgusting. The ice pops. The glass is wet. I look at my glass without knowing where to go with this and he waits with his hand around his own drink...
''...So, do you remember?'' he asks and at the same time, I raise my head and speak: ''Are you sure Eren Jaeger didn't get reincarnated like us?''
And again, at the same time, we both answer with a ''Yeah'' like a choir, but mine is slightly less confident. Do I remember? I don't know. I feel like I do. I dream of Eren Jaeger and I dream of Levi. I dream of events I shouldn't know... and I'm sure they were real at one point in time. I believe it, but there's no way to be sure.
No. Wait. There might be.
''Do you know how Levi...I mean, how I died?''
''I wasn't there when you died, but it is said you died in action. We found a corpse on the shore a little bit further from where it took place a few months after your mission and we brought what was left of the corpse back with us. I mean, it was impossible to be sure... The corpse didn't have any gear on and it was in a pretty shitty state, but it was facing the ocean. I always believed it was you. It must have been you. No one else wanted to see the ocean as much as the both of you, except me.''
He speaks and it feels like my whole dream goes back into my mind... and even more. The shore. The sand. The sun. Everything. Every single thing. It's true; I reached the shore in my dream and I didn't have my gear. I can't say about wanting to see the ocean, but I feel like I can hear Eren's voice. I can feel it on my skin. It speaks of the ocean. It tells me everything he knows about it. His pretty eyes shine. His lips curl into a smile.
As he bathes with me. He blows the water and he says the wind can make waves on the water like that. He says it's like the sky. He says it's blue... and he says it's blue like my eyes sometimes, but I disagree. I tell him they're grey, but he says it can also seem grey. He describes with strong words like 'Free' and they reach something inside me. He says it doesn't freeze like our rivers in winter... and he says it's so deep that it's probably pitch black down there. He smiles like a child and he tries to tell me tales about monsters living underwater. He's silly. He's cute. There's soap on his nose, but he doesn't even see it because he's too excited... too passionate and it's the kind of Eren I like... but that's another reason why…
''Why don't you suspect Eren to be the one to have died on that shore then? He loved the ocean. It would make sense for him to aim for it even as he was dying or... He lived after that, right?''
He was. I know he was alive. I know he was probably safe if Levi left him without his supervision.
''Y-Yeah... He lived.''
There's something about the word 'lived'. It's the way he says it. The way he says the whole answer to that question. Eren Jaeger lived beyond that point, but something happened. I just know it, but I also know Armin Arlet won't let me get that information out of him. That topic is done for now, but that's not the reason I came to him... On THAT topic, I am back to my first question and I ask him again:
''Are you sure Eren Jaeger didn't get reincarnated?''
The answer is loud and clear. No. Eren Jaeger isn't reincarnated... The boy I saw at the Baseball Match wasn't him, but... what if Armin Arlet simply didn't know Eren Jaeger was reincarnated? How can he possibly be 100% sure of it?
''The last time we met, you told me to not let them know... I don't get what you meant by it.''
''You don't have to know...''
I do. I believe I do. I want to know. I want to know what's up... I know there's something.
''What about Eren Jaeger is so secret I have to protect him even after his death?''
''As I said, you don't have to know.'' He looks like such a nice and sweet guy, and he probably is, but he stands there looking at me; He's not telling me everything. He is protecting something. That's the feeling I get... protecting Eren Jaeger? From what do you protect someone who's long dead?
I didn't get anything from this meeting... except his phone number, which I'll probably never use.
-X-
I watch as Mikasa disappears into her room after giving me the phone. She did like she said; she told Petra. I didn't care and I still don't really care. I would have told Petra anyway. I always do whenever she calls. It starts with me, because it's my phone and I'm the one picking up. We exchange the usual 'How is it going?' before I pass the phone. She spoke to Mikasa. It's my turn now. Again. For the real thing.
''Hey... Let's get this over with already.'' I start the moment I bring the receiver to my ear and I hear her laughing softly at the other end... I bet she smiles.
''Not losing any time, are you?''
''I just want us to agree on it, because Mikasa has been sulking in her room ever since I told her that... well, she wasn't in a good mood after the Baseball Match either, but now it's worse.''
''Yeah, she told me you wanted to leave right after it started... What happened? Were you sick?''
Oh, the perfect excuse.
''Yeah... I didn't feel good.''
And that's kind of true; I felt horrible.
There's a pause after that and for an instant, I'm thinking Petra might be able to tell I'm not being completely honest with her, but she ends up speaking again and it's a relief. I couldn't tell Armin about being into Eren... There's no way I could possibly tell Petra.
''I think you made the right choice.'' she says, but I already knew that much... and I know she's not telling me that to praise me. Oh no. ''But I don't think we should try to control who she plays with until something actually happens... We can just make sure it doesn't happen.''
''Well, if she goes there... We won't be able to make sure nothing unwanted happens. I know Sasha. I know she's a good kid. Connie too, from what Erwin said, but I don't know Connie's friends. What I do know though is what Boys think about at this age!''
She knows what I meant. She put up with me all these years and she was hanging out with more boys than girls. Of course, she knows. Girls aren't that better really, I can tell you that. She laughs at that. I can hear Auruo asking her about what's so funny somewhere near her, because... Hell, I'm not funny at all.
''I was thinking of letting them come over. I don't mind. I'll take Mikasa this weekend and I'll let them come here instead. I'll be there and Auruo too.''
...but Mikasa should be staying here for the rest of the week until Monday.
It's not a bad plan, it's not. It sounds good. I could spend the whole weekend alone just how I like them. It's perfect, but then it comes to me and: ''I'll do it.''
''What?'' She asks it like she can't believe I said that... because I hate it when Mikasa's friends come over to my place. It's messy. It's annoying.
''I'll host this little teenager's party bullshit here...''
-X-
The kid isn't here and I don't know how I feel about this. I kind of wanted to confirm the existence of Eren Jaeger in this world because I was pretty sure I saw him at that Baseball Match. I was pretty sure it was him... even though Armin Arlet denied his presence there. Now, I have four teenagers in my living room playing some stupid Wii games while I make some Tea to keep myself from going insane. 'Happy Kombucha' is a Tea that is suppose to make you 'Happy'... we'll see about that. At least, it smells incredibly good. There's pineapple. There's mango. Now, I just have to wait for it to infuse as I watch my daughter's guests.
Let me just tell you one thing, if Mikasa is into that stupid tall guy with a weird two toned hair cut, she has horrible taste. The kid seems to be eyeing me weirdly, but it could be because I am looking at him oddly for spending the majority of his time texting even when he's with his friends. He seems to be speaking of another boy often, but I'm not following the conversation enough to actually know... not that I really care. Connie plays the game more than anyone else while Mikasa and Sasha are sitting together. This whole thing, it makes me realize Mikasa looks like a little kid with all these grownups right next to her.
Now, I just have to hope they feel the same way too.
Everything always happens at the same time in life, or so it feels like; my tea is ready and I clean everything up before leaving to retreat into the 3rd room (which I made into an office kind of thing... more like a Library). There's the sound of Connie smashing the buttons. There's the sound of their friend texting with his phone ringing from time to time. There's sound of the porcelain when I put it back on the shelf after cleaning it. In all that, there's a strong 'Tock Tock Tock' at the door. I move toward the door to open it, but Mikasa dashes toward it in a hurry... it's like the guest of honor just arrived for her. Her own honored guest..., but I can tell you it's also mine when I hear this voice. Yeah. It's a perfect voice. It's a lovely voice. It's his. It doesn't have to be him. It's just that it sounds like him... I know it the moment he speaks.
''Hey, Hello.''
Oh my god, Levi (I mean, Rivaille... Whatever!) take a fucking breath in.
''No. I was fine. I found it easily.''
I put my mug back on the counter in case I drop it, because I feel like I'm shaking... It's the way he says the words. The way his 'No' flies out of his mouth as he exhales softly. It's just like him.
...Eren.
I hear them walking toward the living room. He gets in my line of sight as I get in his and the sentence he was saying cuts. Fuck the greetings. Fuck the usual 'Thank you for having me.' Green eyes open wide as they see me. I can see the way he swallows nervously. The way he stops right there in the middle of the room while he sees me there. I'm not Levi and maybe he sees Levi. Maybe he doesn't see the dark jeans and the black t-shirt. Maybe all he sees is Levi with his clean uniform. Maybe he doesn't see anything at all, but me. Hell, maybe he just thinks I look weird and that's why he stares at me so much. His mouth opens. Then it closes. He looks like a fish out of water and I just feel like shutting those lips with mine... but, that's not him, right?
It can't be.
It shouldn't be...
''Levi?'' He starts. His whole face lights up. He smiles and it makes me melt. I can't even look away from him to see what Mikasa is doing. I'm mesmerized, because he is just like him. His brown hair is messy. His eyes are that perfect green color. His cheeks are that caramel color because he's been outside under the sun that much and his voice finally said the word I've been craving for... our name. Levi's name. My name. It's not a huge difference from Rivaille... and it might have gone unnoticed, but not to me. It wouldn't go unnoticed... never.
''Levi! I...''
No. It's impossible. How can you know? How can you possibly know about him... about me?