Chapter 3
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After the call from the doctor, Sue managed to make her way into her room. She closed the door and sat on her bed, pulling her pillow to her chest. The tears had dried, and Sue sat there staring at a sun spot on the wall. She got up once, just before Lucy would return from work to grab a bottle of water, and take a bathroom break. Levi followed her back into her room. He could sense something was wrong. Sue sat back up on the bed, and picked up her phone and called her mom. As she was to about to press the last number, she slammed the phone closed.
"I can't do that to her. I'm not telling anyone until Dr. Kerswell tells me I have cancer. It's not fair to anyone else to scare them like that." She said patting Levi's head, rubbing his ears gently. Levi wagged his tail and put his head down on Sue's stomach. It wasn't long before sleep over took her. Levi laid on top of Sue for a long time before Lucy finally came home from work. When he heard Lucy, he trotted to the kitchen.
"Hey Boy. Where's Sue?" She asked, putting her bag of groceries away. Levi made his way back to Sue's door and sat. Lucy followed, lightly pushing on the open door. She stood as still as she could, just watching her best friend sleep. Sue wasn't sleeping comfortably though. Her facial features were tormented, angry. She tossed and rolled, her mind desperately trying to stay at rest. Lucy pulled the door tighter and walked back to the living room. She had picked up a pizza for her and Sue to share, but ate alone.
"Jack?" Lucy said into the phone. "Have you talked to Sue today?" Lucy listened. "No, she's here, but she's sleeping. I was wondering if you knew what was going on with her. She's been distant the past couple days. It's not like her to take a day off of work, never mind two." Lucy smiled at Jack's comment, then took a deep breath, letting it out loudly. "Yeah. Thanks. I'll let you know." She said, disconnecting the phone.
Levi looked up at Lucy as she hung up the phone. "He wasn't any help. He doesn't know what's going on with her either." She paused. "I don't suppose you'll spill the beans huh?"
Sue got up early to shower and get out before Lucy woke up and could question her. She wasn't ready to talk about it yet. She left another note.
"I have another appointment this morning. I'll see you tonight." Lucy was upset when she read that.
"That's it Levi! She's going to talk to me today." Lucy said, determined.
XXXXXXXXXX
Sue made her way pretty quickly to the hospital's oncology department for her biopsy. After checking in and filling out yet more paperwork, she sat again in the waiting area. Her Black Berry vibrated. She looked at it-"Lucy." She said quietly. She put it back in her pocket without answering it.
A nurse appeared in the doorway.
"I'm sorry for the delay this morning. Some of our techs are stuck in accident traffic on the highway. Please be patient. We'll be with you as soon as we can." She said, and turned back for the safety of the office. Sue breathed out heavily. She had been reading something from a book table, but couldn't concentrate on it enough to enjoy the story.
It was nearly an hour that passed before a woman dressed in pink scrubs and a pink kitty top to match opened the door.
"Sue?" She called. Sue looked up to see the woman there. "Are you Sue?" She asked. Sue nodded. "Come with me please. They walked down the hall, the woman flipping through a file. Sue could tell she was saying something, but couldn't see her well enough to know what.
"Excuse me." Sue said, touching the nurses arm. "I'm sorry. I'm deaf. I can't tell what you're saying to me." Sue said rather impatiently- out of the ordinary for her.
"You're deaf?" She asked in disbelief.
"Yes!" Sue answered. "I've been here three times already this week and had to explain that each time! Why hasn't somebody figured out to add that tidbit to my chart already?!" Sue gasped at how badly she reacted .
"I-I'm sorry, I wasn't aware." The nurse answered.
"I'm so very sorry!" Sue said, talking over the nurse. "I'm not usually like this." Sue said, her cheeks on fire from the embarrassment she felt from her own behavior.
"Totally understandable." The nurse reassured her touching her arm gently.
"Maybe so, but not acceptable." Sue said.
"Do we need someone who can sign?" She asked, trying to her best to sign that little bit.
Sue chuckled. "No. I can read lips, but I can't see yours." Sue explained.
"Thank God! My signing is not anywhere close to conversational." She said. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you're deaf. I will remember to look directly at you."
"Thanks. Would you mind repeating some of that?" Sue asked.
"Of course. I was saying that we were ready for you, asking if you'd had your blood work done yet, and if you had any questions." She repeated in a summary form.
"No on the blood work, and so many questions I don't know where to start." She said.
"Ask away. There are no stupid questions. I will explain something as best I can, or get someone who can do it better until you're satisfied with the answer." She said.
"I'm sorry, I missed your name." Sue said apologetically.
"Anne. I am your nurse while you're here. If this needs to be revisited, I will be your nurse then too." She answered.
"By revisited do you mean if this is cancer?" Sue asked. Anne nodded. "How many times are you not the nurse the second time around?" Sue asked.
Anne smiled. "I'll be candid with you Sue. Usually when you get to this point, it's something that I will see you again for. It's not always cancer, but it usually requires a follow up." She answered. Sue's concern grew. "If you want a change, you let me know, and we'll get you another nurse." She said trying to comfort her some.
"No. I like that you're honest." Sue said smiling.
"Do you want me to explain the procedure? I only ask because some people are squeamish about such things." Anne offered.
"Please." Sue said, not totally convinced she wanted to know.
Sue sat in a chair across from Anne's desk in her office. Anne sat on the end of her desk holding a small wall poster.
"First, we're going to do an x-ray to get a precise location of the mass that we're taking a piece of. Then we'll mark the spot on your breast. You will go into the OR and lay on your stomach, with your breast through a hole in the table. The doctor will give you a topical medication to numb the area, and then we'll give you a local anesthetic. This will make the procedure nearly painless. The doctor will probably use a fine needle." Sue looked concerned and a bit shaky. "Don't worry, he's very good. Do you want me to continue?" She asked. Sue nodded. "He or a nurse will hold your breast steady, and he'll use a syringe to draw out some of the fluid so we can send it to the lab." She explained.
"How long will it be before I know…" Sue asked.
"You'll probably know tomorrow. The lab processes the samples pretty quickly. We'll do the blood while we're doing the rest of the poking and prodding." She joked.
"Thanks!" Sue said sarcastically.
"Do you want something for the anxiety? There's no shame in it." Anne offered. Sue shook her head no. "If it gets to be too much for you, we can administer a general anesthetic, but you'll need a ride home." Anne informed her. Again, Sue shook her head no. "OK. A few last minute questions. Have you experienced any pain in your left breast?"
"No, none." Sue answered.
"Have you noticed any leakage from your nipples? Anything at all?" She asked. Sue looked at her oddly.
"No, nothing like you hear about with new mothers. I noticed my bra stuck to me the other day… a week ago maybe, but thought it was just from being sweaty." Sue said, panic written on her face.
"These are routine questions Sue, don't panic on me. OK?" She asked, pausing. "Have you had anything to eat or drink today?" She asked.
"No one told me not to eat. I had a piece of toast and coffee." Sue said cringing that she would have to wait for the test.
"That's fine. We need to know so we know not to give you a general. No one wants to get puked on…" Anne laughed. Sue did too.
"And, lastly, any chance you could be pregnant?" She asked.
"No!" Sue said with more emphasis than she'd intended. Nurse Anne laughed.
"Dry spell. I get it." She said still laughing.
"Yeah, something like that." Sue muttered.
"Do you have any other questions before we get started?" She asked Sue. Sue shook her head. "Do you want to call someone to be here for you? Or I could call for you?" She offered.
"No. I haven't told anyone about this yet." Sue said with a sadness in her voice.
"Why not? Don't you want someone here to have your back?" She paused. "Who's held you when you've cried about this? I know you have, we all do." She asked, revealing a bit of her own secret.
"Levi." Sue said, her eyes beginning to fill. "Levi's the only one I've told." She finished.
"Your boyfriend?" Anne asked.
"No. My dog." Sue clarified. Anne let out a good laugh.
"What about your boyfriend? He doesn't know?" Anne asked as she began to walk with Sue to the operating room.
"I don't have one. I have some close friends and my family, but I don't want to worry them until there's something to worry about." Sue said.
"You're stronger than I was. I think I told everyone, and they held me up." Anne said. "Come in here, everything off. Put this one on and this one in the other direction." She said handing Sue a pair of johnnies. Anne turned her back and began to prepare for the procedure. Sue changed and sat on the table.
"You've gone through this?" Sue asked.
"Oh yeah." Anne explained. She began to take Sue's vitals as she continued her story. "They found a cancerous lump in my right breast. Since there was a heavy family history they offered me what I thought was the safest option. A week after finding the lump and determining that it was indeed cancer, I had a double mastectomy." She explained.
"Wow. That was pretty extreme." Sue said.
"Yes it was. But it saved my life." She explained. "That happened almost eight years ago now. No sign of cancer at all. I go every six months now. I have an x-ray and blood work. We're very cautious, but I'm pretty confident I'll die when I'm old." She said with a laugh.
"Can I ask you something personal?" Anne nodded. "How was…" She started.
"The sex?" She interrupted.
"No! Heaven's no!" Sue blurted out, turning crimson red. Both women laughed. "No… I was going to ask, how was your husband… you know, after?
"Didn't want to see it til the staples were out, but did. He's been such a God send. I don't know what I would have done without him." Anne said smiling gratefully. "He was at my side for every moment, everything that went along with it- he didn't budge." She said, her eyes misted just a bit. "But… I'll tell you, I think he's worse about keeping his hands off me more since I've had the surgery than he was before!" Anne laughed hard. "The sex is still incredible!" She laughed more, causing Sue to blush more. "Honestly though, Hun, I think he's just grateful I'm still here…" She said. Sue smiled.
"Do a lot of women still die from breast cancer?" Sue asked obviously nervous.
"Too many, yeah. Most women don't pay attention to the subtle changes. They don't do self-exams, don't so see a doctor. If it's caught early, it's virtually curable." She answered. "Why don't you lay back here, try to get comfortable and relax for a minute. I'm going to go scrub and see if I can't get Drak up here." She said.
"Drak?" Sue asked.
"Yeah." She laughed. "His name is Drake, but we call him Drak cause he's the blood guy. We'll get your blood work taken care of while you're sitting here doing nothing." Anne teased. "Sit tight." As she opened the door, a good looking young man with a slight beard that just trimmed the outline of his square jaw came in. "Well, speaking of the devil himself!" Anne teased. "Drak, you take good care of my patient, you hear?" Anne scolded.
"Yes ma'am." He assured.
"Oh, Drak, she's deaf. Make sure you're looking at her if you talk to her." She said and walked out the door.
"Well, you know who I am… you are?" He asked, looking at her bracelet.
"Sue Thomas." She answered.
"Your birthdate Ms. Thomas?" He asked.
"May 24." She answered.
"Thank you." He said, taking her arms in his hands. "Do you care which one we use?" He asked. Sue shook her head. "You squeamish at all?" He asked.
"Not really." She answered. She was closer to him than she was used to. Even Jack didn't get that close. Sue couldn't help but notice his overall good looks. His eyes were piercing blue, and his smile she was pretty sure was trademarked. His face was very expressive. His eye brows arched and moved as if a separate entity. Suddenly she realized he was watching her. She looked up and caught his stare. She blushed, he laughed.
"You didn't hear a word I said, did you?" He asked. Sue shook her head.
"I'm sorry." She said, blushing.
"Eyes or dimple?" He asked confidently.
"Excuse me?" Sue asked, blushing a deeper shade of pink.
"Most women get caught up in my eyes or my dimple." He said still smiling. Sue couldn't tell if he was cocky or sweet. She bit her lip and didn't answer the question. He laughed and said she was all done.
"That's it?" She asked. "I didn't even feel a thing." She said.
He finished putting the labels on the vials of blood and packing up his supplies when he turned to her "The eyes. They always seem to feel the needle when it's the dimple… not my eyes." He said with a grin as he left the room.
"I'm back." Anne said as she entered the room wearing blue surgery scrubs.
"Doesn't he have the bluest eyes? I get lost in them every time" She said laughing. Sue blushed. "You know, I happen to know he's very single at the moment, and you two are about the same age…" Anne suggested.
"I think my plate's about full at the moment, but thank you." Sue said softly. Anne put an IV in Sue's right hand, hanging a bag of fluids.
The door sprung open and another nurse dressed in scrubs same as Anne.
"Well, are we about ready to get started?" Someone asked. Sue gave a half smile that was obviously forced.
The two nurses proceeded to lay Sue on the hard cold steel table. Her hair was put up in a blue net. Her johnnies were removed, and upper body washed. Anne helped her roll onto her stomach and get her situated for the procedure.
A cover was placed over the rest of her exposed body. A warm blanket was placed over her legs causing her to shiver.
"How are you holding up?" Anne asked.
"I'm OK." Sue said.
The door opened once more, and a man entered. Sue turned her head, trying to see, but Anne turned her head toward her.
"You need to keep looking in this direction. You can't move." Anne said sternly.
"I just wanted to see my doctor. I mean, if he's going to touch me, then I would at least like to know he's good looking." Sue whispered jokingly. Anne winked and smiled wide. She glanced up at the doctor.
"I'll say this… He's Drak's father, and Drak gets his looks from his father's side." She said teasing both the doctor and Sue. Sue blushed, but was grateful that only Anne could see.
The doctor approached Sue and applied the topical, then a needle full of anesthetic loomed near her skin. Anne was on Sue's right side adjusting the drip from the IV and trying to keep Sue calm.
"You're going to feel a burning, but it will be the worst pain you'll feel today." Anne said reassuringly. Tears stung Sue's eyes, one slid down the side of her face and landed right on the tip of her nose. Anne laughed at her as she wiped the tear away. Anne held Sue's hand, squeezing it when she thought she might feel something. Sue closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on Jack. She pictured his smile, his dark chocolate brown eyes. She wondered if he would be the type of man Anne's husband had been for her, not that she had any right to think he'd be there at all. She could feel his lips on hers again, feel the passion ignite between them. She didn't know how much time had passed, but she felt Anne squeezing her hand.
"How ya doin?" She asked.
"I'm OK. Tell me what they're doing?" Sue asked.
"Well, I would, but they're done." Anne answered. "You lay still." The doctor finished his procedure and placed a bandage over the spot that the needle had entered to prevent any bleeding. Anne helped Sue out of the table and then sat her up. Anne put a johnnie on her and placed an ice pack across her breast and offered Sue some orange juice as she slowly sat up.
"How are you feeling?" She asked.
"Pretty good." Sue said. "What now?" She asked.
"They'll take the samples to the lab and test them. The results will be provided to Dr. Hodges who did the procedure and Dr. Kerswell. They'll be kept in your file here. Dr. Kerswell will call you as soon as they come in, good or bad." Anne said while she cleaned up the area. Sue slowly sipped the orange juice and summoned the courage to ask a question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to.
"What if it's bad?" Sue asked softly, her voice shaky.
"Let's keep positive thoughts, ok?" Anne said.
"I need to know…" Sue insisted.
Anne sat on the side of the table, took Sue's hands in hers and forced a smile to her lips.
"Sue, the next step will depend on the test results. I think you should really sit down with Dr. Kerswell and talk this over. I also wouldn't worry so much about it until there's something to worry about. You're going to give yourself grey hair doing that!" Anne said. An orderly came to the room with a wheel chair. "Ahh, your ride is here." Anne said. "You're going to go to recovery for an hour or so, then I'll check your vitals and send you on your way." She said helping Sue into the chair.
Once they got Sue settled into the recovery room, Anne gave her a good book to read and some crackers with more juice. "Slowly" was all she said as she turned to walk out of the recovery room.
"Anne?" Sue called. Anne turned to look at Sue. "Thanks. For everything." Anne smiled and waved.
"I don't want to see you back here again Sue…" Anne said walking around the corner.
XXXXX
The time passed quickly as Sue began to peruse the book that Anne gave her. It was a life story, love story, and the escape that Sue desperately needed. She was grateful for the crackers and juice, but more for the distraction. Anne came back in and took Sue's vitals. Everything was normal.
"You're about good to go. You need to be here for an hour, but after that, an orderly will bring you down. Any questions for me?" She asked.
Sue shook her head.
"Good. You sit here and read that book, it's really good. I hope I don't see you again. You take care!" Anne said as she left the recovery area. Sue could see Anne stop at the nurse's station and write something in what she assumed was her chart. Sue was four chapters into the book when the orderly came around the corner holding her discharge paperwork which included instructions for keeping the area clean, what to look for if an infection developed, and a prescription for pain medicine. On the first page of the instructions was a hand written note from Anne.
'Keep the book. Robyn Carr's my favorite author, enjoy it. Fill the pain meds before you go home. Take care-Anne'.
The orderly pushed Sue to the entrance to the hospital closest to where she'd parked her car. She made the short trek through the parking area to her car. Once she got in, she noticed the clock, it was already past 1. She did as Anne suggested and filled the prescription early. She stopped at the deli near the house and picked up some homemade soup. By the time Sue pushed open the door to her apartment, she was feeling tired once again.
She checked the messages on the house phone and noticed there were 22 missed calls, but only 4 messages. She glanced through to see that there were calls from every member of the team, even Myles, which surprised her a bit.
Sue realized that she hadn't checked her own phone all day. When she did, there were more messages there. There were no less than ten from Lucy alone. All of them read basically the same.
"Sue, I'm worried. Please call me. All these appointments… please call me."
Sue sighed. She needed to talk to Lucy, but she didn't want to do it over the phone. "A text! That will help." She said to herself.
"Hi Luce. I'm sorry, but I've been busy. I'll fill you in tonight. I'm home. I won't be in the office again today…LOL, guess there goes my vacation this year huh?" Sue hit 'send' and put her Black Berry on the table.
Sue sat on the couch nursing a bowl of soup and a hot cup of tea while she watched some afternoon television. She began to feel the ache on her breast where the procedure had been performed. She put the bowl down and opened the pain medication, taking one. She'd been afraid to go anywhere near the spot, but she was curious.
She relaxed against the arm of the couch and let her hand slip into her blouse. She gently touched the tender skin, brushing against the bandage. Sue unbuttoned her shirt and pulled her bra down, exposing the gauze pad. She lifted the pad looking for any sign of blood; there was only a small dot. Her skin had scabbed over with a thin layer of protection. Slowly, gently, Sue pressed on the tissue surrounding the area. She didn't feel anything. She sighed with disappointment. It was almost as if feeling something would make it more real. She shook herself out of it, and picked up Anne's book once more.
It was nearly six before Lucy came home with Levi in tow. Sue was sleeping with the couch blanket covering her and a long ago defrosted bag of peas on the floor next to her shoulder. Her book was closed with her thumb keeping her place. Lucy stood there watching her best friend sleeping peacefully. She went into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee, then poured a cup for herself, and one for Sue. She hated to do it, but she needed to get to the bottom of what was going on with Sue. As she walked back into the living room with the coffee, she spotted the bottle of pills. She picked them up reading the label. She could see they were Sue's and pain pills. She frowned.
"This has gone on long enough." She said. "Sue… Sue, wake up." Lucy whispered, shaking her best friend lightly on the shoulder. "Sue…" Sue's eyes fluttered open.
"Luce?" Sue asked trying to wake up. She sat up on the couch some. Lucy offered her the coffee which Sue gratefully took.
"It's good to see you." Lucy said softly.
"You too. Thanks for taking care of Levi today." She said, sipping the coffee. "Thanks for the coffee too."
"You OK?" Lucy asked, truly worried about her friend. Sue shrugged and sipped the coffee.
"Honestly, I've been better." Sue said honestly. She was visibly exhausted.
"So" Lucy said. "You want to tell me what's going on?" She asked in a demanding, but kind voice.
"No." Sue said, looking nervous.
"No?!" Lucy exclaimed.
"I said I didn't want to, not that I wouldn't." Sue said. Lucy picked up the peas and the pain meds. "Yeah… I'm sorry I haven't said anything before now, but I didn't want anyone to worry." She took a deep breath. "When I went to see Dr. Kerswell the other day, she felt something. She sent me for a mammogram, which showed something."
"Oh my God…" Lucy gasped. "Wh-what…" She began.
"That's what I've been doing, tests. I had the mammogram and sonogram yesterday. I went for a biopsy and blood work this morning. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I just didn't want you to worry." Sue explained.
"What is it?" Lucy asked trying to regain the control over her emotions.
"I don't know yet. Dr. Kerswell will call me as soon as the results are in, but it will probably be tomorrow." Sue explained. "The peas are to help with any swelling, those are for pain."
"Does it hurt? Where is it?" Lucy asked cautiously.
"It's a very small tumor in my left breast, here." Sue said, pointing to the spot where they'd taken the samples. "It doesn't hurt too much, but then again, I took a pain pill a couple hours ago." Sue said trying to make a joke.
"What do they think?" She asked. Sue shrugged.
"They won't answer that question. They just say wait and see. So, I wait." Sue said.
"When are they going to call you?" Lucy asked as a tear fell onto her cheek. She brushed it away quickly, but Sue had already seen it. "Damn it."
"Depends on when the results are in. Probably tomorrow." Sue answered. She absent mindedly stroked Levi. "Luce?" Sue began. "Would you come with me, to Dr. Kerswell's office?"
"Of course!" Lucy said hugging Sue tight. "Sorry! Did I hurt you?" She asked. Sue shook her head.
"Do me another favor?" Sue asked.
"Anything." Lucy answered.
"Keep this between us for now. I know the team is worried about me, but until I know something I don't really want anyone to know. Just tell them I had some bad sushi." Sue joked.
"You don't like sushi." Lucy argued. "OK. I won't tell them about this. I think you should talk to Jack though. He was about to go looking for you until you sent that text."
"Thanks" Sue said. Tears threatened once more to spill from Sue's eyes. Lucy sat beside her on the couch. "I'm scared Luce." Sue said.
"Me too." Lucy said as she hugged Sue.