Chapter 4

Thanks to everyone who took the time to review, and write. I appreciate your comments. To Barbara, johnnies are the smock they give you at a hospital. They are very thin, and have three ties on them. Hope that helps. As for kitties, they're baby cats, or kittens. I've always called them kitties. LOL, I think my daughter's doctor was wearing a 'kitty' scrub top last time we were there! In the US, they recommend women over 40 have an exam every 5 years, then 50 it's every 3? I think. My doctor felt something when I was 42, had me going in for mammograms and sonograms. Thank God, it was only fatty tissue. I go every 6 months now, just to be sure. My aunt wasn't so lucky, hers was cancer. The grace she faced it with is inspiring, and I thank God that she made the decision she made, and she's still here with us today to help me with this story! I'm TRYING to base Jack on how my uncle handled it, and the care he gave my aunt.

Sue woke up early the next morning. She looked at her alarm clock, it was barely 4:30. She groaned, knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. Levi jumped up on her bed, putting his head on her stomach. Sue scratched behind his ears and stroked his fur from his head to his back. Levi licked Sue's face twice, and then lay next to her licking her hands as Sue tried to pet him, as if he were trying to comfort her. He licked her twice, as if comforting her. An hour later, she found herself waking up again, this time to Levi licking her face and pacing near her door.

Sue got up and showered. After grabbing a bagel and juice, she decided to take Levi to the park for an early morning walk. The pace was slow and casual. She enjoyed watching the sun rise above the tree tops and the small animals who resided in the park. Sue let Levi off his leash inside the doggie park to run for a few minutes. She was grateful that Lucy had helped out so much with him the past couple of days, but she knew Lucy wasn't running with him. As she leaned against the enclosure she caught a glimpse of a very familiar figure jogging toward her. She looked up and an effortless smile appeared on her lips.

"Hi Jack." She said.

"Sue!" Jack said quickening his pace to catch up to her. "Where have you been? I've been worried." He said, suddenly realizing he'd said "I". "We've all been so worried. Are you alright?" He asked.

"I'm here, right?" She asked, trying not to actually answer the question.

"What's going on? Where have you been?" He persisted.

"I've had some appointments." She said. Jack looked at her for a better explanation. "I'll tell you about it, just not now, OK?" she asked. He nodded in agreement. "So, just happened to be in my neighborhood jogging?" She asked coyly.

"Nope. I was hoping you'd be walking Levi and I would bump into you. I told you, I've been worried." He said taking her hands in his. "Are you coming to the office today?" He asked.

"Yes. I will be there." Sue answered.

"Good. Then, I will see you there." Jack said finally releasing her hands. She watched until he was out of sight, and then called to Levi.

When Sue and Levi made it back to the apartment, Lucy was up and ready to go. They shared a cup of coffee together, and then headed to the office in one car.

"This probably wasn't a good idea- us taking one car." Sue said. Lucy looked at her curiously. "What if I get a call from Dr. Kerswell while I'm at work?" She asked.

"Then I'll take you. I'll be there when you get your diagnosis." Lucy reassured her. "Unless you've changed your mind." Lucy said, hoping she hadn't.

"No. I still want you to come." Sue said.

XXXXX

The morning flew by with Sue trying to offer answers that would satisfy the curiosity of the team and catch up on the latest cases. She checked her phone nearly every ½ hour. Jack noticed, but didn't bring it up. She and Lucy went out to the café near the office for lunch. When they got back to the office, it was nearly empty.

"Where is everyone?" Sue asked.

"Gathering infomation." D answered. "Sue, can I see you for a minute?" He asked. Sue looked nervous, but followed.

When they entered his office, he told her to shut the door and offered her a seat.

"Something wrong D?" Sue asked.

"Funny. I was about to ask you the same thing." He said.

"If this is about the last couple days… I-" she began.

"It is, but I don't need an explanation. But… you took a few days off in a row, calling out sick. The brass want a doctor's note." He said. Sue grimaced. "Now, if you'd like to break that up with a vacation day, they wouldn't really need a note." He suggested. "But, of course, I didn't just tell you that.' He said smiling.

"Thanks. Yeah, let's do that." Sue was quiet. "I-I'll tell you guys soon enough, it's just that it's personal, and I want to keep it to myself for a while…" She offered, knowing she's said too much.

"I hope it's good news?" D asked lightly, smiling softly at her.

"Me too." She said seriously.

Sue left his office, knowing that people would start asking questions because of all the missed time, and she would have to come up with a viable excuse for the missed time.

Lucy watched intensely as Sue returned to her desk. She was about to ask how it went when Jack and Bobby came back in the bull pen, discussing their latest case. Tara and Myles joined in the chatter shortly after.

It was nearly 3 when Levi nudged Sue's arm. She looked at her Black Berry, it was ringing. She opened it nervously. Her heart sank when she saw "DR KERSWELL" on the screen.

"Hello?" Sue said, trying to keep her voice neutral. Sue decided it would be best to take the call in the hall away from the noise and away from the prying ears. "Hi Dr. Kerswell. Did…" Sue stopped mid-sentence. "Umm, sure. When?" She paused, listening intently. "OK. I'll be there." She shut her phone and stared across the bull pen as she walked back through the door.

"Dr.?" Lucy asked. Sue nodded as discretely as she could. Lucy shrugged her shoulders asking what was said. Sue cringed when she noticed Jack watching her. She walked remarkable calmly back to her desk where she sent off an email to Lucy telling her about the appointment she had at 4, across town.

"I'm coming." Lucy wrote back.

"Sue? We need to go interview that witness, remember?" Lucy said, giving her a way out of the office.

"Oh, right. Come on Levi." Sue said as she got up and briskly walked out of the office to the elevator before anyone could question them. Lucy followed quickly.

"Are they working a case?" Jack asked out loud, but no one could answer that question.

Lucy raced to the driver's seat demanding Sue's keys. "Luce." Sue complained.

"Don't 'Luce' me. You're in no shape to drive. I'll drive you." Lucy insisted. Sue didn't put up much of a fight.

They drove in silence for nearly ten minutes. The late afternoon traffic was thick, making Sue more nervous. "It's not good that she wants to see me in person, is it?" Sue asked, the tears threatening again.

"Don't read anything into it Sue, most doctors don't want to talk about medical records over the phone- it's all about the HIPPA act." Lucy said trying to reassure her. They finally cut through the craziness of people trying to get out of the city for a weekend. Lucy pulled up in front of Dr. Kerswell's office. Both women were nervous of the outcome, scared about the next step. Lucy agreed with Sue's theory that it wasn't good the doctor wanted to talk to her in person, but didn't really want to admit that, to herself or Sue.

Sue was the last patient the doctor was going to see that day. She'd waited for Sue to arrive. Once Sue was there, the receptionist left. Her nurse was finishing up some files. Dr. Kerswell invited Sue into her office.

"Is it alright if Lucy joins us?" Sue asked.

"Of course. It's your call." She answered.

"Lucy Dotson, this is Marion Kerswell. Lucy's my best friend/roommate. I thought I could use some moral support…" Sue said trying to get a read on her doctor.

"Nice to meet you Lucy. Please have a seat." She began. Once Marion was sitting, she opened the file. Sue took a nervous breath, releasing it loudly. "Sue, the test showed that the mass is a small collection of cancerous cells. It's stage one, which is the least aggressive and least advanced. We caught it early, that's a good thing…" She began.

"Oh my God…" Sue whispered. Lucy's hand flew into Sue's lap taking her hand and holding it tight. Sue reached for a tissue, Lucy followed suit. Lucy wrapped her arm around Sue's shoulder. "I- I have cancer? I have breast cancer?" Sue asked, still in shock from the doctor's words.

"Yes. I'm sorry Sue, I was hoping it wasn't." Marion said.

"N-Now what?" Sue asked. "How do I get this out of me?" She asked.

"The next steps depend on you, and what you want." Dr. Kerswell answered. "I'm going to go over the options, but I want you to call me later, or tomorrow when your head is clear, and we can talk about them again. You're not going to comprehend them today. Lucy, I hope you're more able to grasp what I'm saying." The doctor began trying to explain. "Think of your choices as a report. The simple answers, then we break them down." She continued. "Stop me if you have any questions. First, you can either leave it alone, and do nothing, or you can fight this. If you do nothing, this will grow, and probably spread. You'll have a year, maybe a bit more. If you choose to fight, you have different choices. We can take the infected part of your breast and remove it. A lumpectomy. Or you can go the more radical route and have the entire breast removed. A mastectomy." The doctor said.

"What's the difference, other than more being removed?" Lucy asked.

"Good question. The lumpectomy will remove the tumor and surrounding tissue. While Sue is still unconscious, the tissue will be analyzed. As long as there are no cancerous cells surrounding the outer edges of the removed tissue, Sue will receive a combination of chemotherapy and radiation." She explained.

"What if there are cancerous cells on the outer edges?" Lucy asked.

"Then we'll go back in and take more tissue, and repeat the process." The doctor answered. "If you opt for the mastectomy, the entire breast is removed, as well as any lymph nodes. In most cases there's no need for chemotherapy or radiation." She explained.

"Recover time?" Lucy asked. Sue stared at the two women, trying to comprehend what was being said. Lucy wasn't sure what Sue understood, so she asked a lot of questions.

"About the same for both surgeries. The major difference is the need for chemical treatment and the physical aspects of what's been taken. With the tissue removal, it's usually at least half the breast, and it will be disfigured. When the entire breast is removed, it's gone. It's shocking, and takes some getting used to." She said frankly.

Here are some information brochures. Take them, read them over and call me. I really want Sue to call me. I want to be sure she's getting this.

"When do we do this?" Sue asked.

"Soon. I would like to schedule the surgery for next week." Dr. Kerswell said.

"Next week?" Sue asked in shock. Lucy's mouth hung open, but she quickly closed it.

"I know, Sue. I know this is a lot to comprehend. I know it's hard to accept." Dr. Kerswell tried to comfort her. "I'll need a decision by Monday, so we can book the surgical team." She said. Sue stared at her, and then at Lucy, her eyes were glazed over. Both Lucy and the doctor understood Sue was in shock and probably denial. "Lucy, get her home. Try to get her to talk. See if you can get her to decide, sooner than later." Dr. Kerswell said.

Sue got up from her chair and walked out the door. Lucy hurried to catch up with her. Before she knew it, Sue had walked a block from the doctor's office. Tears began to fall. Sue's knees became weak and she collapsed on a bench. Lucy sat next to her, wrapping her tight in a hug, letting her cry. Sue sobbed uncontrollably into Lucy's shoulder for what seemed like hours. Lucy held onto her best friend as tight as she could. Sue's eyes finally started to dry. Her chest wasn't heaving as hard as it had been. She was able to see again, form thoughts and finally, words.

"How are you?" Lucy asked.

Sue couldn't answer the question, she didn't have an answer. She was angry, scared, feeling out of control all at once. She shrugged and whispered, "I don't know." Tears fell onto her reddened cheeks. "I'm scared Luce."

"I know. I am too. I'm here for you. Whatever you need. We'll all be here…" She reassured.

"I could die…" She said barely audible. "I could die from this." She said louder, angrier.

"You won't. I won't let you." Lucy said. "Who's going to throw my bridal shower? Who's going to babysit for me?" She said in a laugh, her tears finally finding their way from her eyes. Sue laughed, but then her face got sad again. "What is it?" Lucy asked.

"Those are things I will never have." Sue said.

"Sure you will…" Lucy began.

"How can you say that Luce?!" Sue asked angrily. "If I have the treatments they'll kill my chance to conceive a baby. If I have the radical surgery, no man will ever want to touch me… especially once he finds out there's nothing there to touch!" Sue yelled.

"Sue, when you find that special someone, it won't matter. He won't care. Only you will matter." Lucy said, trying to reassure her.

"You don't know that!" She argued. "I will never have a child of my own. I'll never be touched wantonly by a man." Sue's words trailed off and the tears began to fall once more. "I'll never know what it feels like…" Sue said.

"Oh Sue." Was all Lucy could muster. She knew that Sue could be right. She also knew it was just her being afraid for her life that was causing her to talk and feel this way.

"I've never…" She hesitated. "I've never felt…" Sue said, stopping midsentence.

"What?" Lucy asked.

"I've never felt longing hands…" She said and the water fell again.

"You will…" Lucy said.

"Not if I decide to go with the radical solution I won't." Sue argued. She once again buried her head into Lucy's shoulder. Lucy took her phone and texted Jack.

"Can you meet us at Robetelli's on 5th.? Sue needs you." Was all she wrote. A minute later, Jack was in his car, headed to the little family restaurant near the doctor's office.