EREN

''I don't know what to do anymore!'' I am not panicking into the phone. I am not holding it tightly as if my life depends on it and I am definitely not being aggressive or loud... Yeah, I'm totally panicking.

''It'll be fine...''

''Easy for you to say!''

''Calm down! It's barely been 4 hours since you first saw him. What did you expect? Marriage!?''

''N-No..., but I didn't expect him to be rude to me!''

''Just give it some time.''

''No. I don't have any... It's now or never!''

I've never been very patient... or very good at dealing with my feelings. Hell, I don't like to deal with them so when I hang up; I go for the weed in my pocket to put myself at ease and, of course, to tell myself I can still fix this. I need to think I can. If I do anything; it has to be now... before he can erase me from his life.

-X-

I am Eren Jaeger. I know that much. Who is Eren Jaeger? That; I don't know... because this Eren Jaeger is nothing. This Eren Jaeger is broken... He is whatever I think I should be. When I came to; I was left with pieces of what I should be. I couldn't remember what happened to me or how I got there. Whatever they did, it wouldn't come back. I couldn't remember who did this to me or why... Hell, I couldn't even remember what they did to me! I could just tell the tales of another world like it was my own, because it felt like it was my life and everyone told me that it couldn't possibly be the case... to drop it because I wasn't a kid anymore. No. I was just a boy left for dead somewhere along the TransCanada Highway with barely any clothes on and a body in a pretty desolated state. They said I had been victim of violence... and was probably sexually assaulted too. I didn't know. How could I know? The only thing I had; the memories of a boy killing Titans... and I had Levi.

My life was a blank page.

Jean said I was just weird. My foster parents thought I needed a therapist... and my therapist; he thought I was forgetting whatever happened to me in order to protect myself. He thought I was making up false memories to build myself up again and to distract myself from the truth.

No... No, I didn't want it to be a lie and, maybe, clinging to Levi like that wasn't good for me, but I loved Levi.

I didn't know Levi. Hell, I was probably imagining Levi, but I thought I loved him... People didn't bother with the truth. They believed their own belief was the truth because it was easier that way, so... Yeah, Levi wasn't true to anyone, but me. To Jean; he was a dream. To my therapist; he was just a psychological phenomenon. Even to me, because I wasn't without fail, sometimes I thought Levi might really not exist and all this was in my imagination. Maybe my therapist was right. Maybe I was building Levi from scratch as a symbol because I desperately needed something to keep me alive. Maybe I have been abused. Maybe I didn't want to remember. Maybe it was easier to love someone that didn't even exist. Maybe I just needed to love something... to feel like I had something left for me somewhere... to cling onto. Maybe I was completely wasted, again, and unable to see the difference between fiction and reality. Maybe Jean was right and I was just weird..., but the truth is; I kind of wanted to believe in his existence. I was wasted because the pain was too much, that's all.

I mean, he had to be real. I couldn't explain why, but it felt like I was remembering Levi like a souvenir.

It wasn't clear, but I just remembered it and that's all I cared about. I knew that was 'remembering' without being able to compare it to any other memory because I had nothing else. It was distant, yes, but I could remember little things here and there. I could dream of him... and now, finally, I knew for sure.

''I've seen him. He's real.'' I said and the only thing my therapist said was: ''How did you know?''

I just knew. He probably didn't care. He probably thought I had a crush on someone... and that it was good for me. It was good that I had found someone to put into the place of the 'symbol'... I guess, but no.

It really is Levi sleeping right there next to me. It's his scent all over me... Everywhere; In the air, in the bed, on the pillow and, of course, on him. I remember. I know this is what they call : remembering. It is undeniably Levi. If I had any doubts when I first saw him at the Baseball Match, I don't hold any now. I didn't expect anything when I came here. I just wanted to confirm it and I got what I wanted. I wasn't crazy. Fuck my therapist. Yeah. This wasn't some psychological bullshit I made up. It wasn't just me. I knew it from the way he looked at me... The way he reacted to me. The way that kiss couldn't be helped. It just came in me naturally... to him too. It was like Déjà-vu. I could remember Eren kissing Levi in some dark room with a sleeping beauty for the only witness as I was pushing my lips against his. Yeah. It was the only thing I could do in this situation... and I just wanted to kiss him.

I would totally kiss the living shit out of him right now too, but I promised. I promise not to.

It is obvious; he knows me... or, at least, he knows something. Just like it's also obvious, to me at least, that I love him. Yeah. I love him badly. It's so bad that I can't breathe. I find myself unable to sleep and just lay on my stomach with my face buried in the pillow without taking my eyes off his shape in the dark. I want to touch him. What is he like? I want to move forward and spoon him... because the way he sleeps is like perfect for me to just crawl behind him. Why did he have a daughter? I want to run my fingers through his silky hair. Didn't he wait for me? I want to kiss him. I wanted him to wait for me. Yeah, I'd totally kiss him. I think I remember him saying that he would wait for me. And I'd do it again and again. I want him to love me already. I'd probably never get enough. Ah, I can still feel his thin lips on mine from just a few hours ago... or is it because I keep thinking about it?

I feel like I waited for this moment all my life; the moment where it would start all over again...

And I do have to start all over again... Hey, Levi, how do I make you fall in love with me? I don't even know how I managed to do that the first time. I feel like I just pushed myself on you... and you went with it. What in the world did I do to make you say all the lovely stuff I could hear at night? ... Or all the stuff you did to me in my dreams. I want to go back.

... or, at least, tell me I can make it happen again. Please?

No. As you probably can tell, Levi doesn't tell me shit. He sleeps the night away while I can't. Each breath he takes is slow and steady while I hold mine... and try to make it sound normal. My heart is beating loud in my chest while my eyes follow the curves of his body. Up with his shoulder... and do-wn... and then up again with his hip. When he moves, it actually startles me and without really thinking about it; I find myself faking sleep like I've been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing and I fight the urge to open my eyes. I feel him move. I hear him whine when he stretches and I find myself imagining him doing it; curving and arcing... just like a cat. A black cat. Definitely.

He leaves the room and that's when I take a breath in, finally. That's also when I notice the noise in the kitchen and, of course, I remember his daughter; Mikasa.

''I'm sorry... ''

''It's ok. I wasn't sleeping.''

You weren't? Ah. My heart. Just. My heart. It flips. It arches. I probably shouldn't overreact like that, but I do anyway. I smile and I hide my face into the pillow... I can't help it and my heart is pounding.

-X-

''I missed my bus'' is also the excuse I use with my family upon entering the house. There is no reason for them not to believe me. I might not be the best kid, but I'm not a liar. I usually give it to them straight whether they like it or not, but I don't think it would be a good idea right now. Not if I want to keep Levi in my life the way I want him. Let's be honest, this Levi is a lot older than me again and I don't think my family is going to approve of it just like that : 'I went to sleep at some guy's place. He's a lot older than me, by the way.' Yeah. That wouldn't be very wise.

It's not just about me, it's about Levi too.

Of course, they swallow my lie whole and it leads to the question of : ''Where did you spend the night?'' to which I answer with : ''They let me crash on their couch for the night.'' That being said, I still retreat fairly quickly by going down the basement; into my room. It's not like I'm a good liar... and there's one person in this house I can't fool with that: Jean.

It's like he was waiting for me. He sits in front of the computer while Marco reads a comic book on the bed. Whatever conversation they had at the moment instantly dies when I enter our bedroom. I get a small ''Hello'' from Marco and a smile. From Jean, I get nothing. He swings the chair around to face me and he launches at me:

''You totally missed the bus on purpose.''

''Please don't tell me you just came to this conclusion. Did you actually find out by yourself or did you have Marco help you?''

That's the kind of comment that would usually make things escalate rather quickly and lead to the usual yelling of names and insults. Jean never fails to hit on my nerves, and me on his, but the conversation takes another path. Marco saves the day with one simple question: ''How did it go, Eren?''

I find myself dropping unto my bed to stare at the white ceiling for an instant as I gather my thoughts and remember it all... from the moment I saw him in the kitchen to the moment he saw me off this morning after I gave up on sleeping in his bed even without him being there. No this wasn't happening, but at least I went there. It was 10 times better than sleeping in the library. Hell, I even got a hint of hope, so... It was better than how it started.

''Good, I guess. Not as good as I wanted, but better than what I feared might happen in the worst case scenario.'' I laugh a little, because I recall how I imagined that it would go versus how it went. Yeah, it was impossible. It wouldn't even make sense for Levi to be on me the moment he sees me without caring about anyone else. It was never like that with him. He always cared so much he actually wanted us to hide. That was just me getting ahead of myself.

And then... Jean starts, because I made the mistake of telling him everything somewhere along the line and it is now a running gag to him:

''Got yourself a sugar daddy?''

''Did you get laid, at least?''

''Wait! Is he even gay?''

''I mean, he has a daughter... Must have banged girls and not boys.''

''What about the mother?''

''Is it an ex?... or not. It might be his wife!''

''At least, I'll give him credit for making beautiful babies like his daughter, but... You won't have any.''

To me, it was the accumulation of everything Jean said and the idea of Levi wanting to have babies; something I couldn't do... That and the simple idea of Levi being willing to make babies with anyone, because I sure know how they do it! To Marco, it was the mention of Mikasa and the comment about her being beautiful. At that, I find myself suppressing the overwhelming urge to put my fist right into his 'Horseface'... At that, Marco leaves and that kills the whole conversation. For me. For Jean. For different reasons. Jean looks at me and then at the door Marco just went through before finally understand that he's being an asshole and need to fix it if he wants to keep Marco as his 'dear' friend.

R-Right, because I'm not really sure what is the relationship between Marco and my brother, but Jean goes after him in the end.

-X-

''Are you gay?''

''...Why did I let you in, again?'' he asks without even lifting his head from his book. It feels like a rhetorical question where he doesn't expect an answer... or even know who he's asking this question to. Me? Himself? I don't know.

The door is wide open for me to say it... Do I dare? ''You couldn't possibly refuse it to a cutie like me!''

Whoa, did I just see your eyes lift to me for the first time since you let me into your apartment and settled down into your library like I wasn't even there to begin with?

''Ah, that's right.''

Ok. Maybe it's just me... that is said with such disinterest it's actually hard to accept.

After that, there's nothing. I wait for an answer that doesn't come concerning the question I asked and he's back to his book... Scribbling stuff in the border and putting post-its on pages. I could be interested in what he does. I am, kinda, but there's more important stuff on my mind than whatever he's working on. I mean, there's so much I need to know about him... The book is surely part of it because I've seen him with it more than once, of course, but it's not my priority right now. My priority is ignored by Levi.

Levi; gorgeous even when I catch him by surprise in the middle of a weekday in some baggy jogging pants with a loose t-shirt, and I dream one day it'll be one of mine. Well, maybe it'll happen someday... I hope. He said I could at least announce my visit beforehand, but I told him he'd probably find an excuse. He looked like he had put pants on in a hurry before answering the door judging from the shirt stuck in there and the way he was still trying to pull it out before tying the pants around his waist when he opened the door. He said we could 'Keep in touch' anyway... Friends don't always announce themselves, do they? I mean, assuming we're friends. I didn't mind if he wasn't in a good mood right away. I was in a good mood for two; I got to imagine Levi wearing my shirt without these joggings... No, just boxers. Yeah, that'd be great.

...but let's not wander there for now!

''Are you gay?'' I repeat.

''Yes, I am. What about it?'' He sighs and lift his eyes from his book to look at me... truly this time too. Right into my eyes.

Are you expecting something? A reaction? I don't have one. I expected that one. I mean, we kissed and you kissed me back. You've let me sleep in your bed. You remember Levi, even though you claim that you're not Levi... yet, you let me call you Levi. I don't know. I don't feel like Connie would do that, for example. I'm just happy to confirm it because it makes you suddenly even more attainable for me... but the eyes go back to somewhere else than me. Anywhere, but me.

''Just wondering... Why do you have a daughter if you're gay?''

''I didn't know being gay made you unable to have kids... ''

Damn it! I'm not that stupid!... ''That's not what I...''

''I didn't know. I just didn't even consider it... so, I was dating a girl, we had a little baby and it just happened.''

''...Oh. How old were you when you had her?''

''Like sixteen? No. Seventeen.''

That. That probably shouldn't make me feel like that...; Small. Like I am just a little kid. When he was seventeen years, where was I? I don't know. I was probably just a little kid... maybe I was still with my birthmother at the time. I don't know. And Levi? He was fucking some girl. He was having a baby. He was already becoming an adult.

I wanted to turn this conversation into one where I'd make some silly comment about him being single, if he was, because I'd ask him first. You know, to tell him I was single too; 1+1=2 as in You + Me!

This conversation actually doesn't turn out the way I expected it to turn. I'm left guessing and hoping that he is single. I'm left with nothing. If anything, this conversation leaves a bitter taste on my tongue.

''Eleven years ago; You were like what... 5? 6?''

I don't know. I just don't know... because, my life, past the event of 2 years ago, is a blank. I don't even want to think about it. It makes the whole difference between us even wider.

-X-

That night, I do not stay for the night... That night, I get wasted beyond saying until I don't care... about Levi and about myself. It works. Almost. No. Actually. It doesn't work at all. It starts outside. It continues at McDonalds with a bunch of burgers on our plate. It ends with a stomach full in our room. I mean, for them it doesn't end, but for me it does. When I hear a rustle in the bunk under mine, whispers and, finally, a whine I'd rather not describe from Marco's mouth... and I'm not sure I feel like taking a glance to confirm what they're doing. When the conversation gets pretty one sided. When Marco stops trying to talk. When Jean keeps telling me stuff like ''Get into his pants'' to everything I said... as if this can actually help me. As if this would make Levi pay attention to me the way I want him too. As if this would make him care. As if this would confirm anything. As if this would let me into his life as something else than a nuisance, but... Then, Jean says that : ''He definitely won't ignore you if you get into his pants, I'll tell you that.''

And I should probably be wiser, but I'm not... Not in this state.

So, of course, when I knock at Levi's door after taking the last bus to the South Shore of Montreal and walking the rest of the way there... when he opens the door past midnight, he looks at me with that look. It screams : Are you fucking kidding? What are you doing here, brat? He doesn't even open the door wide. He opens it just a crack, just enough to see me on the other side. For a second, when I see his face still barely awake, I actually think that I'm too wasted to be here. This isn't a good idea. I shouldn't listen to Jean. Hell, I shouldn't have heard Jean making out with Marco... and worse. I shouldn't have known. I shouldn't have paid attention, like I usually do. It really isn't a good idea with all of this in mind..., but then he opens the door to let me in and reveals himself.

''What are you doing here at this hour, brat?''

He still wears the oversized t-shirt, but I do not think about wanting it to be mine this time. No. I just think about the way it covers his boxers or the way I see his legs... bare. Hell, I actually thought that he wasn't wearing anything else at first, but I saw them when he moved... Oh well, it doesn't matter!

He walks bare foot and makes space for me to enter the place... I'm more than happy to get the permission and I don't know why I keep staring at his feet and his legs; but I do. Shoes removed, I'm into the apartment. He walks in front of me. He walks away. Well, he tries to, but I stop him before he makes it into the living room.

''You can't just barge in here whenever you...'' he starts, but then he stops talking when I grab him by the hips to turn him. My hands travel just a little bit more to grab his ass and bring his hips to mine roughly. Yeah. That and the fact that it seems to go by instinct when my lips reach for his... or is it because my hands leave his ass to push on his chest to press him against the wall and there isn't any way to avoid that kiss?

No. He showed me he could still stand his ground when he pushed me to the ground the last time we kissed too.

I hear his gasp when I catch him unguarded and for just an instant, I actually think I need to stop, but he's there shivering and kissing back. He's there opening his mouth for me and letting me lead just for an awkward instant where I'm overwhelmed with the old kisses in the new one. The one I want to give versus the one I already gave him in the past and, suddenly, the feeling that Levi is going to slip away from me... No. I actually remember Levi slipping away from me that exact instant. I remember being alone. I remember missing him. I remember waiting. I remember wanting him to stay with me and I find myself rushing ahead in a way to fulfill the feelings creeping in my stomach.

The urge to have this Levi with me... for me.

Ok, I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I do it anyway... I know this is going too fast. I enter the apartment and I'm on him the moment he opens the door. I know. I also know that I told him I wouldn't do it again, but... Failed. I also know that I start kissing him and then, I lose it. I know I shouldn't put my hands under his shirt. I know I shouldn't try to push his boxers down on his hips. I know I shouldn't try anything. I probably shouldn't feel like I want to eat him whole right now... but I do. I put my hand under his shirt on his hips and I push his boxers down slightly on his hips. I touch the hipbone. I love it. Then I palm the front of his boxers and that's it... I don't even get to feel it.

I went too far. All I know is that I get one strong kick into me to push me against the other wall of the hallway. It knocks the air out. It brings me awake suddenly... or rather, more awake than I was and I get it; Levi is mad.

''Shit... That hurts!''

''You got what you deserved.''

''I just.. I just wanted to...'' I didn't mean to hesitate... but I don't even know what to say. ''Kiss.''

''Right. You wanted to kiss me on my lips or... somewhere else? Because that definitely wasn't my mouth I can tell you that much, kid. Or were you just trying to confirm whether I was a guy or not by groping me?''

The words hang in the air between us. I don't have an answer to that. I'll never have one. Of course, I wasn't trying to confirm his sex, he's mocking me with that, but the part before that; I can't say. I did feel like I wanted to eat him... as in... Figuratively. Sexually. Figuratively. Yeah. Both.

''So much for promising me you wouldn't try anything.''

I... Shit. I know, but I didn't know you cared. I didn't know you actually cared about what I said I would do. I didn't know you'd sound this dejected by my comportment. I didn't know I'd fuck up this bad. I need to fix it... Can I even fix it? It feels like my list of things to fix is getting longer and longer each time we meet.

It feels like I can't control my temper around you, so... I lose it again and I start to talk back:

''Just give me the O.K. already! I want to have sex with you!''

Ok. That was... direct, but I think I tried enough at being discreet already! Fuck that!

''Come at me wasted and ask me to have sex with you, it seems like a good plan, right?'' Pause... I don't have a comeback for that, Levi. ''That's why you're still a kid! And that's why it's not going to happen!''

He turns around. He walks away. I'm surprised he doesn't kick me out, but it's pretty late so he probably thinks it wouldn't be good for me either. He walks fast enough for me to understand and to remember the old Levi's way to walk when he's upset: fast paced with small footsteps. Totally like that. He walks toward his room and when I try to follow him in, he stands his ground in the middle of the doorway. His whole stance tells me : No... and I understand; I'll sleep in the library. He doesn't trust me anymore. However, one thing still remains. One thing still bugs me.

''You've let me kiss you... You kissed me back!''

Silence. Awkward silence. Oh. Did I make a point here? His grey eyes open a little bit wider at my words, but then he turns his eyes away from me. ''Shut up... You better not bother me tonight like a little kid again, kid.''

That's it. My place; I'm just a little kid. He puts it into my face before closing the door in a smash and that's the end of it. He didn't ignore me when I tried to get into his pants, but I can't say it was a good way of 'not ignoring me'.

-X-

I cry. I cry into the phone like a fucking baby calling the only phone number on my whole cell phone who knows about Levi and myself... and doesn't take me for a fool. Like the other night, he picks up. Like the other night, he sounds tired, but he says he's fine and he listens and I tell him everything. Like the other night, he tries to calm me down... but then I start crying again whenever I see all of Levi's stuff all around me. His books. His works. It's not just about Levi. I want this Levi to be the Levi.

My Levi.

I fucked up. Again. I totally did. I couldn't wait... and when I manage to say : ''It hurts!... I want Levi back!'' while I am a crying mess...

All he says is : ''Maybe you'd be happier on your own... or just find someone else!'' there's only one thing to answer to that...

''You don't understand what it feels like, Armin! I don't want anyone else! It has to be him!''