Chapter 4 Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Jasper POV

Bella. I groaned, almost moaned, my shoulders slumping in defeat. I didn't even have enough time to come to terms with the fact that THEY had left, and now this.

I'd come here prepared – more or less – to deal with the members of my former family. I'd gone through all the possibilities I could imagine, how they would react to my sudden return, but I hadn't spared a thought about Bella, about what I would do or say if I would cross path with her again. I'd been dead certain that I would never see her again, because I was damn sure no one of my so called family would have allowed me to go near her ever again. A wise decision in my opinion. But there was also this nagging thought … this tingling, telling me otherwise, that she was the one I'd have to beg for forgiveness.

But then, why should I even care? I barely knew her. She meant nothing to me. She was just a human, a human that had dared to interrupt the peace of my family, a human that was responsible for my leaving and the resulting consequences. In other words: she was a menace.

No, Bella wasn't the guilty party here. How could I even think that about someone as selfless and loving as Bella? I might not know much about her, but whenever she'd been in my vicinity in the past all I'd sensed was this sheer endless capacity of love and trust in each and every one of us. And how had I repaid that trust? I'd betrayed her in the most malicious way there was.

I was the monster. I hadn't been able to control myself. I had tried to kill her. It was all my fault.

Through all my inner musing, I hardly noticed that Peter was already on the move, on his way downstairs. Whatever Bella was doing here, I didn't want her to feel threatened or alarmed, intentionally or otherwise, by neither one of us. Sure, I knew that Peter wouldn't do anything, like hurting her, but she would probably be frightened by meeting a strange vampire, a strange vampire with red eyes. From her previous encounter with James and his coven she would have a hard time even considering the possibility that there were indeed other vampires – human-blood-drinkers – that did not necessarily imposed a threat to her. But she wouldn't understand, not until I had a chance to explain, make her see reason. If she would let me, if she would be staying at all … after seeing me, that was.

Like seeing me first would reassure her, that she isn't in any danger. Ha. Fat chance at that. Maybe, one glance at me and she'll turn tail and run for her life. I could live with that …

But nevertheless, deep down I knew that I had to stop Peter. I quickly followed him out of my old room, and caught up with him at top of the staircase. I laid a hand on his arm, stopping him in his tracks. "I know who that is." I said to him, reassuring him by sending him calming waves, that that someone was not here to cause any trouble. Or so I hoped.

Peter gave me a quizzical look, but then a knowing smile began to spread over his face. "Oh. I see. It's her, isn't it?"

"Yes, it's Bella." I confirmed, not even trying to fight the urge to roll my eyes at him. I'd barely ever talked about her in the past five months, but apparently the chance to meet the human responsible for all this mess, had triggered his curiosity once again. I could sense his unadulterated, almost childish excitement. Great, just what I needed.

"Well ... what are you waiting for?" He pushed, impatiently, enjoying this awkward situation far too much for my liking. "Aren't you going to say hello?"

"Seems like I don't have another choice ..." I grumbled, annoyed. I got the feeling that Peter was hoping to influence me with his anticipation, but I was too wrapped up in my own emotions of nervousness and uncertainty for it to have any effect on me this time.

"You aren't afraid of her, are you, Major?" He asked, raising his eyebrows in question.

"Of course, not. She's just a human." I snorted, well aware that he was just baiting me, but still feeling the need to defend myself.

"That's not what I meant. You are scared to face her." He clarified, most of the humor gone, replaced by true concern and compassion. I appreciated his sympathy more than his taunting, and yet I couldn't feed of it. I was too damn tense, and just a breath away from losing it.

"No, I'm not." I snapped, knowing it was pointless. Peter could see right through me, again. Damn it.

"Liar." He countered, calmly, not oblivious to my ever-increasing irritation but just deciding to ignore it. Maybe it was better this way …

"Fuck you, Peter. Okay … maybe I'm a little concerned about facing her. What am I supposed to say? 'Sorry, Bella, for trying to kill you, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me.' Like that would work. And be honest, why should she forgive me? I tried to KILL her." I almost yelled, my despair seeping through.

"Well, you might be surprised …" Peter mused, lost in his own thoughts. Whatever was going through his mind, I knew it wouldn't do me any good to ask, because he probably wouldn't share his knowledge with me anyway. What a fine friend he was …

"Yeah, yeah, whatever … besides, like I said, apparently I don't have another choice." I said, accepting the inevitable. "But I think it will be better if I go out first, alone. I'm not sure how she will react to you." Probably the same way she will be reacting to me, I added in my mind.

"Fine with me. Sure you can handle it?" Peter mocked, with a huge grin on his face, receiving only a hostile glare from me as an answer. And honestly, as insulting as the question was, I had no answer to it. Would I be able to handle it? Could I really go out and face her? Without attacking her again?

One way to find out … I thought, feeling kinda bad for putting Bella's life on the line, just to test a theory. My only comfort was that Peter was there and would be able to stop me in case I couldn't behave myself. Well, hopefully …

I ignored Peter's silent laughter and made my way downstairs. He followed right after me, but I knew he would heed my word and would stay out of sight, at least for the time being. I could hear Bella's truck coming to a halt, the door of the driver's side opening and closing, and then light footsteps. By that time I was already at the entrance door.

Why the fuck had she chosen this exact day to come here? Or did she come here on a regular basis? I doubted that. Maybe it was fate, and Peter always told me, you'd never be able to elude it … maybe temporarily but not forever. It would catch up with you eventually. But right now I was convinced it was just my damn bad luck. Like coming here to encounter that my family had cut all ties with me by leaving without telling me wasn't enough. No, in addition to that now I had to deal with the one person who'd started all this mess in the first place … unintentionally or not.

I felt my anger rising again, but knowing that I had to keep it together for this to work out I did my best to rein those specific feelings. It took quite some effort, almost like physical exertion, but it was necessary. My rage would show in my eyes, and if I thought meeting a red-eyed vampire would be a bad idea, a black-eyed one would probably be even worse. At least the golden color of my eyes would provide her with some reassurance, telling her that I was still sticking to the Cullen diet … but then again it didn't help much in the past, didn't it?

Maybe it would be better for her to be scared of me. I could easily force her to leave and never come back. No, no, I wouldn't do that on purpose, not after … I stopped that thought right in its tracks, shaking my head in order to clear my mind of the memories of our last encounter. At least for now, because I would never forget …

And how would I explain that to Peter? Even with him being out of sight he was still well within hearing range. He would kick my ass, if I deliberately screwed this up. And I owed Bella an apology, even if I didn't deserve her forgiveness in return. Not that I expected to get that in the first place.

Oh, well … than let's get it over with … the sooner the better …

I took one last cautious step through the open front door onto the porch. I could see her and smell her. I was glad that this little reunion of ours took place outside since I wasn't sure if I could handle being in a small room, so close to her, and to her scent …

Stop it right there, buddy. Concentrate! You are not going to do the same mistake twice …

As a precaution I stopped breathing altogether. Instead, I merely concentrated on reading her emotions. It was odd, but Bella's emotions were overlapping … so many at once … shock, concern, anger, curiosity, fear, confusion … she was shifting through all them too quickly to pinpoint her actual emotional state. I could see the worried frown on her face as she was ascertaining the situation, her eyes wandering from Peter's truck over to the house. I was sure that she could see me standing here, but there was no recognition, not at first. Apparently Bella couldn't see me as clearly as I could see her.

Vampire versus human senses … I reminded myself.

I took one final step out of the shadows, keeping my eyes locked on hers the whole time, carefully monitoring her emotions and reactions.

Bella took one last watchful step forward herself, and then she froze. Her heart skipped a beat, and she was holding her breath, her eyes widening. Was it fear? Or just shock? I wasn't sure. And there was also a faint glimmer of hope. What the hell was that supposed to mean? I was truly confused. I couldn't make head or tails out of Bella's emotions. For a few silent seconds we just stood there looking at each other.

Not sure what to say, I decided to just give her what I hoped was a reassuring smile thus telling her that I meant her no harm. I was sure I looked like an idiot, hell I was feeling like one too.

"Jas..Jasper?" Bella stuttered, apparently not yet sure whether or not to believe her eyes. I only nodded in answer.

I thought of a nice opening line, but came up with nothing. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it hit me. Why in the hell was Bella still here, when Cullens were gone, when HE was gone? That made no sense to me at all. Did they break up? But why? I knew HE loved her, and that she loved him. But before I could voice any of my questions, I sensed a sudden change in Bella's emotional state. Only seconds ago there had been mainly shock, uncertainty and curiosity, but now the only emotion I got from her was anger … pure, unadulterated anger. The force of it almost brought me to my knees. I couldn't remember the last time I experienced that amount of anger being directed at me. It put the feelings of hate Edward had thrown at me at her birthday party to shame. I've never encountered a human with the capacity of feeling anything like that, at least not to that extent. I was completely stunned, frozen in shock.

Maybe that was why her next action took me – a vampire for God's sake – totally off guard. Bella swiftly closed the remaining distance between us, literally throwing herself at me. For a fracture of a second I thought she was going to hug me, but considering her still growing anger, I wasn't surprised that she didn't. Instead, she began to hit my chest with her tiny, fragile fists … over and over again.

Of course, she couldn't hurt me, but I was concerned that she was going to hurt herself. Oddly, it didn't even matter that she was suddenly that close to me. I was way too occupied to understand her behavior. I tried to send her calming waves, but they didn't seem to affect her, almost like her anger was blocking my power. I stood still, allowing her to use me as a punching bag. Hell, I knew I deserved it. In fact, I was wishing I could actually feel the physical pain, but then the next words out of her mouth managed to cut me deeper than any knife could have … if it were possible.

"I hate you." She cried, still beating at my chest, but her motions became weaker. She was physically and emotionally exhausted. Bella began to cry, trembling uncontrollably.

"Bella, I'm so sorry …" I whispered into her hair, trying to soothe her with words. I still thought I sounded pathetic, but I didn't know what else to do. She finally stopped her physical attack, sacking against my chest. I automatically pulled my arms around her, holding her close to me. I could feel it. Bella was in so much pain, too much for her tiny, fragile, human body. Between her sobs, I could only make out single words. "Why … left … alone … gone … hate … why …"

But then, just as sudden as it had started, the onslaught stopped. I couldn't sense anything from Bella anymore. Of course, she was still breathing, her heart was still beating, but I had no excess to her emotions anymore. She went limp in my arms, and her legs gave out. Oh my God! She had lost consciousness. We both sank to the ground. Of course, I easily could have held us both up, if I hadn't been so overwhelmed by the sudden void of emotions. First the intensity of her emotions and then the total absence … I just wasn't prepared.

I sat on the ground holding her gently in my arms, when I could hear Peter coming closer. "Let's get her inside, on the couch." The tone of his voice spoke volumes. Of course, he'd heard everything, and surely had watched. He was mad. But he was also radiating a great amount of concern and sorrow, and somehow I knew it was meant for the both of us. I still couldn't speak, so I just conveyed my agreement with a nod.

I swiftly got up, pulling Bella into my arms and carrying her bridal-style into the house. I laid her gently on the couch, still covered with the white cloth. I sat down on the edge, not able to take my eyes off of her.

She still looked the same … long, brown hair, pale skin, nice body … Wow where did that come from? Well, it was true, but certainly inappropriate. I pushed those thoughts aside … for now. Alright, Bella hasn't changed a lot … to the human eye perhaps. But I could see the little differences. She had lost some weight, and there were dark shadows underneath her eyes. Was she on a diet or simply not eating enough? Did she not sleep well? Was I responsible for this? Crap, what have I done?

Just before my mood could plummet any further, Peter interrupted my train of thoughts. "What the hell just happened out there?"

"I don't know …" I mumbled, not sure what to say. "I guess she'd been keeping all the anger and pain about what happened on her birthday bottled up inside of her … and seeing me must have triggered the release." I felt so bad about forcing her to relive that day again.

"Hmm, I'm not so sure." Peter mused.

I jerked my head up and glared at him in astonishment. "What do you mean? Didn't you hear her? She hates me. And she has every right to feel that way." I seethed, my anger spiking again.

"Yes, I did hear and see everything." Peter replied evenly. "You need to calm down, Jasper. You are affecting her."

I followed Peter's gaze, and saw what he meant. Damn it, I was projecting my feelings. Bella's breathing had become erratic, and there was a frown on her face. But she was still out, though. I took in a deep, yet unnecessary breath, in an attempt to calm myself. It didn't work right away. I had to repeat the motion a couple of times, before it had the desired effect on both of us. I exhaled loudly, when Bella's breathing went back to normal and her features relaxed. 'Good.' I thought and turned back to Peter.

"Please, explain." I demanded as nicely as possible.

Peter sat down on a nearby chair. "As I was saying … I'm not so sure that all her anger and hate was directed at you. Hell, you both haven't even had a chance to talk yet. Really talk, I mean. You make assumptions without having all the facts, my friend. True, she might really hate you, and you might think that you deserve it. But from what I know about sleeping beauty over there," he nodded towards Bella, "she will let you explain and apologize. You'll both get the answers you seek. Just try to be civil and patient." Peter said, smirking at me.

I scowled at him, but kept my mouth shut. Responding to his jibe would only end in another shouting match, which was certainly not a good idea. I had to give to him, though. Peter was good with words, and apparently far more perceptive than I was. I might be an empath, but sometimes the finer details just eluded me. He was right. What did I know? Nothing. Maybe she hated me, and only me. But maybe there was more to her intense feeling of resentment. After all the whole Cullen coven had abandoned her.

Well, it looks like we have one thing in common.

Revised and reposted on December, 8th, 2013