O.K. I had a shitty night. Eren kept me awake for most of the night. I am going back to work tomorrow. I also had a pretty awful two weeks of vacation because the moment Mikasa left the apartment, Eren came into it and wouldn't leave. Or he would, but he'd come back. I should have locked the door. I shouldn't have let him see the code to enter the building in the first place. That was a mistake. No. My bad. All of it was a fucking mistake... and it's totally the brat's fault. O.K. it probably is a little bit of my fault too and I probably shouldn't be on the offensive this early in the morning, but I am anyway and my voice spills the words like poison through the receiver when he picks up and greets me sleepily. He picks up so fast, I'm not even sure it ringed for more than a second. For the first time since Eren Jaeger came into my life, Armin Arlet answer his damn phone. I couldn't care less if he messed up and didn't check who is was before answering the call.. which he probably did because he doesn't greet me normally:

''Just go to bed already, E...''

I don't care whatever you are mumbling about. I'm not having any of it. ''You better have a good goddamned explanation, Armin Arlet!... or really be innocent.''

''O-oh... Levi.''

Damn right, it's me. I don't care if it's not even eight in the morning yet. I've been awake for too long trying to ignore the sounds coming out of the library. I couldn't deal with it. I went to smoke like ten times! I cleaned the whole apartment... except the library. I did some laundry and, now, I am in the bathroom folding the clothes to distract myself from him... and failing, of course.

''Care to explain why Eren Jaeger is in my place?!'' I add a pair of socks to Mikasa's neatly folded pile of clothing, but... Hey. Wait. This isn't hers. It's too big for her and it's not mine, so... ''What the... Wait! I'm even doing his laundry! What was it about Eren Jaeger being dead? I can tell you that he is very alive right now!''

''I... It's not like I couldn't have been wrong about him. How would I know? I just didn't know, that's all. I couldn't possibly know he was alive... ''

So, why do I feel like there's something fishy about it? Where did the confidence go? He seemed so confident when he told me that Eren Jaeger wasn't reborn again... and now, it's gone. He's saying what sounds like excuses to something I don't understand. Maybe, I don't want to understand either.

''Aren't you happy to learn about him? Your friend, your precious friend that you're willing to protect through death, is alive... I found him! or rather; He found me, but whatever. I thought you'd be happy and all excited to see him or something...''

''I am. I am happy.'' I don't know if it's because the timing is bad. Or because he's not in a good mood in the morning. Or because he's very tired. He doesn't sound happy. He doesn't sound good at all. He sounds tired. No. Exhausted.

I realize that I do not know Armin Arlet at all. I do not know this Armin Arlet.

''What about you?'' he asks and I find myself unable to answer... I distract myself with folding the clothes without answering until he repeats the question and calls my name. I spill the excuses about a distraction and: I'm sorry. What did you say? That kind of bullshit. I hope he drops the subject and ask something else. Anything.

He repeats the question.

''What about you?''

Fuck.

''...It's complicated.'' It really is... too complicated.

''It's still Eren.''

''It is.'' And that's why I find myself in front of the door of the library with a pile of clothes that aren't mine as a pretext to come into the room. It is still Eren and I can't ignore him. I never will be able to. He's under my skin. He's in my head. He's everywhere. I turn the handle telling myself I probably shouldn't enter. I should just let him be. He'll leave and it'll be like a bad dream. I push the door open telling myselfthat, but it goes to hell the moment I see him curled up in a little ball on the bed. Like a fetus. Like a child.

I want to go. I want to bring him against my chest. Tightly. No more crying. No more yelling.

Silently, I walk in. Silently, I leave the door open just a crack for a hint of light. Silently, I drop the clothes somewhere along the way. And then, finally, and still silently, I walk my way to the side of the bed. I admit that I almost turn back at this point. I tell myself that he didn't notice me yet. I can still turn back, but no. His eyes flutter and his gaze turns to me just for an instant, but he refuses to turn his head to look at me completely...

''Can I...''

I start awkwardly, because trying to make up isn't something I do, but I hear a small: ''Yeah.'' and I see a little nod of his head before lowering it and hiding it under the covers.

Then, it's silent in the room. There's the creaking sounds from the old fortune bed I made for him and some rustling of fabric as I sit behind him, that's all. For an instant, it's just like that. He lays in the dark with his back against my leg. He obstinately keeps his eyes straight in front of him... while mine wander between the walls covered in books and him. Always returning to him.

''I'm sorry.'' He says and I tell him: ''I'm sorry too.''

Then, just like that, the silence is back into the room for a little while. And then, just like that, I find my hand playing with his fluffy hair like it's the most normal thing to do... for an instant; I see walls of stone all around us. I see a cheap bed and a book in my other hand to read in the candle light. I see a boy I love right next to me... and I hear the same boy chuckle to lead me back to my reality. A boy I know.

''It reminds me of the old times.'' He says shyly and I can't help but agree. I'm just not telling him. He doesn't have to know. He doesn't have to know that it feels so damn right to do something simple like that... like I missed it or like my hand actually belongs there.

It's been something I have done for the longest time; I played with everyone's hair. It never quite felt like the real thing. Mikasa liked it at first, but then described it as annoying when she got older. Petra always thought it was sweet, but she didn't really find anything in it. With Erwin, it never really happened. It wasn't that kind of relationship anyway. To me, the motion was like a habit. A soothing one. Erwin wasn't the person for that, but... Now, with Eren, it's... As it should be.

In that past, our past, the past I saw for an instant; it was soothing for Eren too.

''We really need to talk... just... talk...''

I know we talked. We talked a little..., but we didn't really talk. We shared some things, but we shared almost as many touches and kisses as words. That says a lot by itself, right? I know his kisses more than I know him.

''...About what?''

''Eren.''

I tell him just like that. I finally manage to say his name like it's nothing... finally. However, it doesn't seem like he likes it. He turns around in the bed to face me and I can feel his hot breath on my thigh for an instant, but it goes away as he uses the covers to hide his face. It's as if he's a little bit shy when he asks me: ''Which one?''

The answer is simple... in my opinion; he didn't even need to ask me and my hand still plays with his soft hair like he didn't even move or hide under the covers. Seeking protection. It doesn't matter. I still find him under the covers and pull them away from his (annoying as fuck, but) pretty face.

''Both.''

I can see his head turn and I can feel his eyes on me even though I can't see shit in the dark.

''I wanna know about you too... This you.''

''Let's talk about that too sometime.''

He nods and somehow, he makes a weird gesture... like he tries to wrap his hands around me, but changes his mind midway and here I am thinking I wouldn't mind. What the fuck am I doing then? Why did I turn him down last night then? Hell. How would I know!

I just know I grab his hand and bring it where it wanted to go... around my waist. He smiles like a little kid just given candies. Am I a freaking candy to Eren Jaeger, then? Not that it's a bad thing to think of, really. He hides his stupid little smile away from my sight and starts giggling like a fool. ''I have to pee... so bad...''

''Go ahead already, you little shit!''

''No... I don't want to move from my spot! Plus, if I do; you'll move... and you'll leave.''

Silly!..., but that's something I'd do, yeah.

-X-

''I feel like it was me...'' He starts as he enters the kitchen. My eyes are brought to him waiting for an ending to that sentence. An explanation. Something. He insists on the word: me, and I stare at him. I insist on the remaining words. I wish I hadn't turned my head around to look at him this instant... and yet, I'm glad I did. He leans against the counter... just out of the shower. On the counter. I love it. Wet hair drips slightly on his clothes. I love it. Strands curl as they dry slowly. I love it. It drips on the floor, the counter and, more importantly, his skin. And I fucking love it. Just like the way he looks at me... bursting with affection.

Eren Jaeger is(/was) cute? No. That's an understatement. He's got way more than that going on!

''I loved Levi. I loved you. I did. It was me. All me.'' His eyes shift to the side as he starts. He smiles. He's bashful and, on the last word, he brings his eyes to me again like he's trying to judge my reaction without showing me how much he actually cares... but it gives away his real feelings pretty easily.

Yeah, I know you did. I know you loved Levi and you wanted to see the world outside the walls with him. I know all that. I also know; You... You probably...

''...still do.''

It was so low I could barely hear it... or actually, want to confirm I did hear it correctly.

''What?''

''I still do... I guess.'' Because it's probably reassuring to add that little; 'I guess' to the end. It makes it uncertain and gives me the power to discard that idea. But I don't. I let it sink into me. Into us. ''I don't think it ever stopped... ever. I do not recall a single time when I wasn't chasing after you in this life. None.''

He crosses his arms on the table and rests his head on them... also hiding his expression from me for when he adds; full of emotions on the verge of his lips and so much more:

''But you don't... so...''

I can't take it. I can't take this. You don't know shit, Eren Jaeger. Stop talking. How can you possibly remember? You describe it like all of these feelings are yours. All the events, they are yours. That love, it is yours. How can you be so sure? Why would you remember it all like it's part of you while I don't. I get nothing except the Replayer. If I wasn't the one with that job in the Replayer, would it be someone else having this conversation with you? Would it matter? Would it still be me you'd say all this too? I want it to be me even if the Replayer wasn't part of my life. I want to give you what you want. I want to give you what you deserve in this world, but I can't do anything at all.

All I did was listen to you crying in the middle of the night unable to come to you... or let it go and sleep. ''Hey, don't you dare go crying on me again...'' Because I want you to be happy for some reason, but he raises his head to my words and shakes it.

''Shut up! I won't!''

He doesn't like the mention of what happened, I guess. He stands up abruptly and takes his plate to the table to walk away from this. Eren is sentimental. He is passionate about everything and that includes how he feels, but that doesn't mean he is proud of it all the time... It just means he is intense about it. All of it.

So when I grab his wrist suddenly to stop his path on impulse, he turns around with anger in his eyes. He doesn't like it. I don't like it either. He doesn't like the way I brought it up like that. He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't get it. He saw it as a critique. I said it as the first thing I ever said to him that might have let him know that I cared. It wasn't a critique. It was more like a wish that I couldn't state correctly. It was misleading. I just... I just didn't want him to be like that again. It felt horrible. The whole night felt horrible. How did I leave the kitchen? Hell. I don't fucking know. I just did and now I'm stopping him from running away.

I don't really get why I care about his happiness that much... but I do.

Fuck you, Eren Jaeger, I didn't want to care!

''That's not what I meant...''

I can sense the impatience in his behavior before he slips out of my grasp suddenly like he just brushed against fire.

I let him go.

I sit at the table in front of him. I look at him. He doesn't. He keeps his eyes on the toast on his plate without saying anything. He drinks his chocolate milk like a little kid and I'm not surprised he likes that at all. I'm not surprised he covered his toast with the Nutella I buy for Mikasa. Seems like he's got a sweet tooth still. He eats in a messy way, as usual. He eats like he's in a hurry to finish and I should probably explain myself before too many minutes pass between us and the matter becomes null and void.

I can't exactly tell him something like : I don't want you to be sad ever again... and definitely not over me. No. I can't bend for him. Can I? ...Nah!

''Hey...'' I start softly and I hate myself for turning soft on him. Damn it! His eyes raise. His eyes meet mine. That perfect green that I love meets my eyes again and I find myself losing myself in them like Levi did. It made him think of wilderness and freedom. It makes me think of wilderness and freedom... just like flying in the sky above the trees, but also of a cage. The cage is safe, but once I'm out of it; I don't know how I can possibly withstand it all. A cage where I'm caught; prisoner of Eren Jaeger... because I actually want him in every possible way. Physically. Mentally. I said it; In every possible way. All of him. And I bend again for him and I admit it: ''It's not that I dislike you or don't care about you at all, O.K.? I am not like you. I do not remember like you do..., but I kind of remember. Kinda.''

I actually care a lot more than that, Eren, but never mind that.

Let's not talk about how it's actually hard to accept... and you're just a freaking teenager again that is simply smiling with a smile that's out of this world because it made you take a 180 degrees with your emotions when you heard that. From Anger, you turn to happy. You build expectations on these words alone and, as I ruffle your hair on my way back to the kitchen after breakfast, I know they get out of hand. .YourYour cheeks turn a cute pink shade.

-X-

Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou

Success!

Opening Session no. 07-10

Resuming Memory

He was never the kind of person to express his emotions... or to tell others he cared. He never told Petra to be careful. He never did anything like that with his whole squad before they went on a mission because he trusted them. Is it because he doesn't trust Eren, then? No. It's not that. Eren is probably the most resourceful soldier they have. Hell!. The kid is so fucking thick headed; he wouldn't die. Then, why is he trying to make Eren look at him as they ride the cart to the wall with Hanji and Eren's friend? He can't really say.

It might be just to say something like : 'See you later!' as a confirmation that Eren is going to come back.

And so he pokes Eren's leg with his boots again and again.

It takes a while for Eren to actually notice the gesture, but when he does it's worth it: The way he glances at Levi for an instant... then down along with a little move of his head. His lips form a small smile and that's enough. He settles with just that glance. Just that smile. There's no need for words.. and he'd rather keep quiet about it. He didn't exactly want to talk, he wanted to make Eren understand the obvious. Oh well, he could have used a peck on the lips though.

-X-

''Alright, I returned to work... and I've let you stay one more night than you should last night. You're going home today.''

Don't ask me why I let him stay last night. Don't ask me how he managed to get a 'Yes' out of me. I think that's pretty obvious at this point. He does it all the time. Eren Jaeger doesn't take a 'No' for an answer. Never

''Can't I...''

Today, though, he will deal with a 'No,' that's for sure because I tell him a straight: ''No.''

''Fine.''

He sighs, but there's a little a knowing smile on his lips. He knew I'd say that. He just tried to push his luck, but I'm not giving it to him this time. It's not that I mind sleeping with him. Well, I do, a little, but that's mostly because it's weird to sleep in the same bed and watch out to avoid touching him. He moves a lot. He moves closer, and then he moves back. I'm actually wondering if he sleeps well, but he doesn't complain about it. I don't, that's for sure. Finding sleep isn't easy in this situation... Tonight's night of sleep will be good.

''Can I call you though?'' Oh right, he does have it, my phone number. He even added his own into my phone... not that I'll use it.

''...Sure.''

He nods and I can see a victorious smile on his face even though he's looking down at the shoes he's slipping on. He stands up on my door step with a bag on his shoulders full of clothes and I'm pretty sure he forgot some clothes in here. I'll have to find some place to put then until he comes back... Wait, what? Who said he'd come back!?

Oh well.

''I'll go smoke outside'' I announce when I see the eyes he puts on me as I slip my shoes on as well. It's weird. I feel like I'm not exactly ready to let him go. As if I'm wondering if he'll actually come back somewhere deep inside me. He will. He has to. This is not the Replayer. Eren is merely going back to his family. I bet he'll call me right away like an excited little kid. He got my phone number from Mikasa's friend, he must be eager to use it. Yeah. All of that. There's no reason to feel this weird over it.

But I end up closing the door after the two of us anyway and then walk through the entrance. This time, Eren Jaeger doesn't smoke anything. He just stands right there; close to me, but not too close. He moves from one foot to the other. He looks at me. He talks about trivial things. He says he'll send me text messages, but assures me he won't do it too much. He says he won't call at odd hours too. He fills the silence with his voice until I step on the remains of my cigarette; ready to return inside... by myself.

That's when he takes the step forward he's been itching to take. He's close again. I know this. It's familiar. I've seen it before and I know where this is going... His hands lift up a little toward me, but then they drop to his sides again and he returns one step back. He doesn't ask what I thought he would ask... When he speaks, I feel a hint of disappointment, but I'm also lucky he looks away for an instant, because I probably look at him with a soft expression I'd rather not be showing.

''I...'' He starts, but then changes his mind and finishes with a simple: ''Good Night, Levi... Laters!''

It could have ended there. It's like Déjà-vu. An awkward and slightly different one, but still a Déjà-vu of something I witnessed today... and this time, it itches me to do it. I want to do it... and Fuck! Fuck Myself! I am doing it!

I walk forward and he stops the motion of turning away to look at me in surprise. I grab his shirt. He stumbles a little. I call out his name. His eyes get onto mine. Glued.

''Come here.'' I instruct and he follows me backward; in the shadow of the building. I hear him start asking me what I'm doing, but when my lips reaches his; he loses the words in his mouth. He takes the chaste kiss I drop to the corner of his soft lips like he's just been struck by lightning and he's not even sure it happened. I am not either, but I just felt the urge to do so. Maybe it's because of the Replayer. Maybe not. Maybe it's just because of him. Maybe not. It doesn't matter. I still get to return back to the safety of the building to avoid questions, but I still throw a little:

''It's more like you. It doesn't smell like drugs... It smells like Eren Jaeger.'' Pause. Yeah, that was the scent of Eren Jaeger and that was... a kiss... from me to you. That came out of nowhere. I'm sorry. I'm done. I'm leaving. Don't listen to me. ''Good Night.''

I can hear a weak and awkward : ''Good Night'' behind me just before I enter the building, but I stop myself from sharing one last look with him. At least, it makes me believe I am fighting the urges to just let him win this stupid(and imaginary fight) I am having with Eren Jaeger. Imaginary, because I know I am not going to get it my way. He isn't going to go away. He isn't going to be just that kid I know. No. Never. I already lost this fight and just now, I confirmed that I was going to surrender soon enough... if I didn't do something about it.

-X-

Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou

Success!

Opening Session no. 07-11

Resuming Memory

That peck on the lips; it waited a lot. It's not like Levi thought about Eren a whole lot. He didn't. He had his own business to attend to. They were just fighting on different battlefields. Well, that was until the news came to him; Eren had been kidnapped. Here he was, in front of Erwin, trying to make a point of hurrying up the rescue and give the political issue a rest for a little while. It's not like it would matter if Eren was gone... right? And what the fuck was going on anyway; there were Titans inside the walls... and Erwin's theory of Titans along them was turning out to be true. A little bit more 'true' than they actually expected at first.

''We're going to get Jaeger back.''

Levi speaks like there's nothing to discuss about it. He isn't interested in whatever plan Erwin can come up with to turn this into an opportunity... as long as he makes one to actually get Eren back. It's all that matters. It's not just because Levi is in that weird relationship with the boy where they share kisses and touches here and there. It's not just because Levi likes this relationship... and wants to know where it'll lead. It's because it's Eren. He is a tool. He is useful. Humanity needs him.

Levi needs him too... maybe... it makes him feel like he's not too fucked up. Eren might be saving him too.

''We're ready. We're trailing them already and they will lead us to useful information about their kind and their hideout, if that's where they are headed.'' The thing is... Even if Erwin is an excellent strategist; it doesn't always make up for the difference in strength between the Titans and them. If it comes to that; they could lose Eren without even trying to get the boy back. If worse comes to worse, Eren could also learn some truth about his existence and turn on them instead. It's a very unlikely scenario... or, perhaps it's basically impossible considering the hate dwelling inside Eren for the Titans, but it doesn't mean it's not possible. He doesn't know what they're trying to do, but Eren's monster of anger is the only thing making him doubt if they can pull it out...

The truth is; it's not like he knows Eren that much either... even though they've been intimate.

''We can't take the chance. If we lose at this shitty game you want to play, we will be handing Eren over like some piece of shit we don't need anymore and give them our hope along with it. We can definitely use him...''

He can use him by his side too.

''It's not like you, Levi.'' states Erwin without stopping his course toward his horse to depart with his men, but Levi does stop on his path for an instant.

''What is?''

It makes Erwin turns around to face him.

''To protect one person even if it might cost others life.''

No. He's not trying to protect Eren because of some mixed feelings for the boy. He's definitely not.

''That's not it. We lost lives to get here right now. What was the point of these sacrifices if we're going to let them have a chance at taking Eren with them?'' And that, isn't a lie. It's true. He thinks all of it. He always did. Everyone he knows... including those who died, he does it all for them and everyone he doesn't even know; to avoid the same end. ''I am trying to save everyone. I'm thinking of all of us and... our future.''

And in that 'us' there's Levi.

And in that future, there shall be Eren Jaeger.

-X-

Yeah, I could have stepped over my pride and just called him myself. I could have. I didn't. I remembered giving him a glimpse of hope along with that childish kiss and I couldn't afford to fall deeper. Or just to admit my fall at this point. All of this because...

That night, like the following ones, Eren didn't call.