EREN

Five. That's the number of Levi's apartment and that's probably about the number of minutes I spent there looking at the worn out number on the door. Probably? No. It's definitely been around five minutes. Maybe a bit more. Maybe ten, but I'd rather think it's been five. It's a little bit less pathetic, although the whole week has been quite pathetic.

As I told Marco earlier this week, the beginning wasn't that bad. Sure, it started pretty bad on Saturday night... more like Sunday, very early in the morning. That was the day, more like the night, where I almost managed to touch Levi's junk. Almost. He didn't let me. Of course not. But I got close. So close. I didn't sleep in Levi's bed that night, but I was back in it on Sunday evening. I got a pass at an extra night with him... even though we just lay together in the dark. And Sleep. It's nothing. It's stupid. Probably. To him. Not to me. To me, it means the world... because letting someone sleep with you is to let someone in during your most vulnerable state. I remember saying: ''On Monday; shit hits the fan.'' to Marco when I told him about the awkward kiss I got. I waited for him to talk to me. To tell me something... anything. To stop me from getting my hopes up. Or to actually let me get my hopes up with certainty. No. I was damned. I waited. I was insecure. I waited. I couldn't possibly let myself go too high on this... The fall would hurt too much.

And if his lips didn't haunt me the rest of the week, I'm not Eren Jaeger. They did. Oh yes, they did!

A little bit dry and rough, but still soft to me. Thin. And close. So close, I could smell the scent of the cigarette clinging to him and the scent of soap... or is it cologne? Refreshingly floral and, more importantly, orange.

I didn't falter... I waited.

On Wednesday, Jean said I was on edge, but I dismissed it because... well, because it was Jean. The truth is; I didn't actually think shit hit the fan on Monday. Quite the opposite. My heart was loud. My stomach was turned upside down by butterflies. My lips couldn't stop forming that stupid grin. I was happy, I really was. But then, after a few hours... No, after a few days... I wasn't so happy anymore. Levi hadn't talked to me. I admit it didn't take long for my patience to run out, but it took me a while to actually admit it. ''I'm fine.'' I kept saying it with such an angry voice, no one believed me. On Thursday, Marco didn't believe me either when he asked me why I was so mad at the canned food I needed to put on the shelf at work. No. I wasn't fine. I was angry. I was irritated. For once, I actually started to hate the way Levi decided everything... This wasn't like me at all. This wasn't about my respect for him. It was about letting him decide without getting a say in this.

I didn't falter... I waited more.

In the evening on Tuesday, in the darkness of my room because I hadn't turned the lights on after my shower, I stopped waiting. For now. I didn't even understand why I was naked in my bed at 8 P.M. ready to sleep, but I was. I wanted to sleep because time went by faster when I was asleep, but I didn't. I stared at the bright screen in front of me. I stared at the blank space and at the cursor flashing as if words could appear out of nowhere, but no one other than me could write the first message I sent Levi. ''Just tell him what's on your mind.'' was the advice I got from Marco. That's what I did; I wrote a simple: You kissed me.

No answer... not after a few seconds. I'm pretty sure that was enough time for him to read it. Or was he far from his phone? I saw his phone when I was there, of course, but he never dragged it anywhere with him. It was in the apartment, that was all that mattered. It was in the bedroom, by the bed, on the nightstand. Always there. By the lamp. Even then, a few seconds should be enough to pick it up and read it. And so, I started to overthink this. I played it all out in my head. I freaked out... and I started to doubt myself. Maybe he didn't want to acknowledge it. Or me. Maybe he wanted to ignore me. Maybe he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Maybe it was just to try it out... to feel the waters. To see if he would feel anything, remember anything. Maybe he didn't.

Eren: I won't let you act like it didn't happen

No. That wasn't right. Well, yeah, but there was so much more too!

Eren: Like you didn't mean to.

Eren: Like it didn't mean shit.

No Answer.

I probably should've stopped. I was aware of it and I told myself I should stop while I still could... before I made a complete fool of myself, but it was too late anyway. I was past making a fool of myself. I was already at the point where I looked pathetic.

Eren: I want another kiss. I want Hundreds. No. Thousands... Millions.

...to me, it was too important to let go.

Still no answer. Even now, two nights later, there are still zero messages from him. Z-E-R-O. I didn't send more than that. I wanted to, I didn't. I couldn't do it... I couldn't be clingy, even though I probably was clingy already. I couldn't make him answer whatever I said... and I said everything I could possibly think of to make him reflect on what he did. I mean, I've been clear with my feelings. I've been more than clear, no? Obviously clear.

That's how it happened... and here I am; In front of door number 5 in some apartment building in the middle of Longueil after a shitty bus ride from the closest bus stop from my family's house to here. It's about forty minutes. Forty minutes of an uncomfortable ride, thanks to the road in Quebec. Yeah. Sounds about right. I wish I lived closer... No, I wished we lived together. There was a time when I only had a few steps to make to reach him whenever I wanted. Hell, there was a time when we were literally living under the same roof. I mean, the rest of the squad was with us, leaving little to zero intimacy, but it was good to invade his personal room once in a while... just once in a while.

I hear footsteps. They seem to get closer to the door. To me. Shit. Shit! Shiiiit! I look around for somewhere to hide... and I even consider going back downstairs and out of the building like a freaking thief. No. I actually start to move towards it, but then... What the fuck am I doing? No! I'm here to...

What the... I hear a voice on the other side of the door, but I can't quite make out what's happening. I just knock again. And again. Because I know... It's him. It's his voice. I want to see his face. I want to kiss him. I want to touch him.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

''Calm the fuck do-'' Pause. The door flies open and his eyes meet mine. Yours in mine. Mine in yours. ''-own...''

There's an awkward silence where we just stare at each other like that in the middle of the doorway... for everyone to see a fucking teenager going to an adult man for some unknown reason, but it doesn't matter. Not to me. I see his face and I remember the way it was close. I see his eyes and I remember how they closed. I see his lips and I remember... I remember how they felt against mine. I remember how bad I want him to pay attention to me. Just me.

''Eren... '' He starts. It's low, very low, and I see his eyes going over the whole area as if he's confirming we're alone. Then they go back to the apartment behind him... to someone I don't see, but imagine. To the voice of a girl asking curiously: Who's there? To which he needs to make up an excuse... And I feel like I just want to disappear. I feel like I don't belong here... like I don't want to live with this kind of stuff. It's not like Levi's having an affair with me even though he had a wife, so why do I feel like I made a mistake by showing up? ''Just the neighbor... Drop the sound of the T.V. a little... You need to take a bath anyway. I'm going for a smoke. Lock the door behind me.''

I hear ''Yeah, Yeah... '' from somewhere in the apartment and then footsteps, but Levi shuts the door right away and brings me down the steps in a hurry. We do not exchange a word. Nothing. Not even when we're out. Not even when he drags me on the walkway... 'till we reach the end of the street and turn the corner to enter a park left in the darkness of the night. Then, finally, he continues whatever sentence he wanted to start on that doorstep after he said my name:

''What do you think you're doing, brat? You can't show up at my place suddenly like that...''

''I'm sorry, I...'' My bad. I forgot you have a daughter? I forgot you actually have a life? No. I want to be here. I'm glad I'm here in front of you. I'm glad I get to see you... And I don't even know why I should care about whatever your daughter might think if she sees me. ''No. I'm not sorry. If you didn't want to see me here, you just had to answer your damn messages! I can't believe you ignored me. Jerk!''

Wait? Why am I turning angry? Why can't I stay calm? I didn't mean to be aggressive, but I don't see any other way right now. None. And it's always been like that; I can't control myself. I can't be rational... Always emotional. Always ruined by anger.

''Hey... Calm your tits! I-''

Never listening.

''Fuck off! I don't even understand w-''

''Well, if you took the damn time to listen to me, maybe you'd understand.''

He interrupts me. There's a pause. For a second, there's nothing but darkness, the park, the sound of the chains of the swing when he grabs it to sit on it. If I didn't know better, I could have thought he was a teenager with his small figure... until he lights up a cigarette, that is. The fire shows his face for an instant; his small eyes, his straight nose, his thin lips... with a cigarette between them instead of my lips on his. Urgh! Think about something else! Something else! Like...umm... Like...

''My cell phone fell into the ba-Ah... I mean, the water. It was lost.'' Pause. He regains his composure because he lost it just for an instant. The face he made was priceless; like he didn't want to say that. Like he needed to find something. Quick. And then, incredibly fast, as usual, he's back to his old self. ''What did you need?''

His cell phone fell into what? Water. No. He's covering it up. Ba-Something... with water.

''Ba... Bath?'' No answer, but his eyes lifting from whatever they were looking at, on the ground, to look at me. That's enough for an answer and I find myself unable to stop the laugh that goes through my throat. ''It definitely is the first time I've heard something like this.''

He ignores me.

Somehow, I know I am right about 'Bath'... and I stop my wild imagination from even going there. Don't. Just don't.

''I saw the first message... '' He says like there was nothing special about it and I feel myself blushing furiously. I feel my heart beating loud and clear in my ears. For an instant, just an instant, I actually want to play it off like it never happened to begin with... like I just sent some stupid message. This way, I could go back to before.

No. I can't.

''Ooh... You saw it.'' I say quietly as I take place in the other swing right next to him so I don't have to push my weak legs any further to simply stand still in this situation.

...My legs were starting to feel like Jello.

There's an awkward silence filled with the sound of the chains creaking softly under my weight.

''I kissed you.'' He says finally like it actually took him a moment to find the voice to say it and I think the world stops spinning at his words... at the way he confirms it all. It happened. It did. It wasn't in my head or anything. It was real! I wish we were facing each other when he said that. I wish I could have seen his face, but I saw nothing but his profile.

I saw the way he blows the smoke from his lungs into the air.

I saw the shape of his lips when he did.

That's all.

''...Yeah.'' But I never thought about it. I didn't plan shit, so when he says that... I'm speechless. I'm not ready. I never will be.

''Did you text me just to state the obvious?''

''N-No...''

''Then, why did you come here? You're lucky my daughter didn't see you! You could have just done like everyone else and sent something... I don't know. Just interrogation points... and I could have told you whatever I needed to say. No, you just had to come here and you almost turned my life upside down!...'' You know, at this point, I'm not even sure he has any interest in the following messages after that 'obvious' one and I'm actually ready to forget whatever came through my mind when I wanted to confront him about it. He doesn't ask me, yet. That would have been my first thing to ask, but he didn't ask. He complains coldly about my behavior and he makes me feel like I'm just an annoying kid intruding into his life, once again, but he surprises me... Yeah, he does, because he asks without lifting his head to look at me like he's actually trying to act like it barely matters: ''What was the next message?

I can feel the curiosity... or is it just because I want to see it?

''I won't let you act like it didn't happen.'' I start exactly like the message I sent him... because I've read them over and over again in the past week. I know them by heart. The words flow out of my mouth on cue as if they were waiting for it. They feel right when I say them. I shape them with my tongue and they come to life through my lips like they were meant to be. ''Like you didn't mean to... Like it didn't mean shit.''

But then, only then, I find myself choking over the next words like they're caught in my mouth... like I can't shape them as I want to. Like I'm too scared they'll scrape on my lips and I'll fuck it up... and he waits. He waits like he knows. His head moves slightly... and I feel his eyes on me more than I see them. He's looking. I can't make out his expression clearly, but he's looking. He knows this isn't the end somehow. Yeah, I probably make a very shitty expression right now. 'Struggling' must be written all over my face and then, finally, they get out. Yes, they scrape at my lips and I blabber them at high speed like I'm eager to be done with this. To forget it. I am. I want to forget I ever said something embarrassing like that... to someone who doesn't exactly care the way I want him to.

''I want another kiss. I want Hundreds. No! I want Thousands... Millions!'' I actually expect him to speak. I want him to, but he doesn't. He smokes. He exhales and I could die on his lips... if only. I find myself getting uneasy. I play with the chains under my hand until I can't stand it anymore; I stand. I rush in front of him and his eyes raise to me, but it's not like he actually sees me. Not like I want him to. I want him to look at me with love. With so much love he can barely contain it. I want him to work hard and to make it seem normal under the radar, but to devour me when he gets the chance. I want him to open his eyes to me. This me. To see me like he once did... ''I want it all! All of you!''

Why is it that I have to say it all the time? Why is it that hard to understand?

Silence. It's filled with my ragged breath, because I've been talking and talking without taking a break to breathe. I said it all in one go and he still doesn't say anything. He sighs. He looks back at the ground. He plays with the sand under his shoes absently... and he's probably thinking of a way to turn this all into a conversation where he holds the control, but I don't let him. I can't wait anymore. I don't want to wait anymore... and I can't deal with this coldness anymore.

So, I do the only thing I can think of; I grab the chains of his swing. I lean forward. I stop the movement of his swing. I stare into his eyes when they lift, once again. This time, he sees me. His cigarette hangs loosely between his lips and I grab it to throw it on the ground. Smashing it under my shoes. I actually have every intention to fiercely kiss him right there, but I stop myself.

Stop myself before I make a mistake again, which is hard because I could totally see myself make out with him right here right now... or more than that. No, instead, I yell.

''Stop acting like it doesn't concern you, because it sure does!''

''I know it does.'' He finally says quietly and he tries to look away, but his eyes go back to mine like we're some kind of negative and positive pole. Then, he growls with anger. ''This is so fucking fucked up!... and you have no clue.''

''Eh?''

He sighs and it's tired.

''You're a shitty seventeen year old kid who knows nothing and the company I work for would love to put their hands on you for some additional knowledge about the Titans, but I'm in some fucking park with your face inches from my face... still not accepting your existence. You're a fucking shitty seventeen year old I met from my daughter's friend and you're barging into my life like a damned bulldozer... You don't listen and you stick like glue. You're not a bulldozer, you're a fucking mouse in the walls of my house!... So annoying!''

That's probably the first time Levi gives me a sight of him with honesty and I can tell he doesn't like the boost of confidence this actually gives me. I can tell he cares about my age a lot more than I do. I can tell it's a big thing for him... a big problem.

I smile at the 'mouse' metaphor and I lean closer... just a little to tease him. ''I feel like you don't dislike this mouse at all.''

He frowns.

''Shut up, Eren.'' I feel like the pause in the flow of the conversation brings the end of it and I actually think about moving back to give him his space and resume my teasing, but he grabs my wrist before I move and continues talking, so I stay. ''Hey. I wasn't going to act like it didn't happen, okay? So, drop it.''

Then, finally, he pushes me and forces me to take a step back, saying he needs to go back home. I feel like I can start breathing normally again... seems like I stopped under the pressure. I didn't even notice and I still have more important things to pay attention to right now... Like how he stands back up and walks toward the entrance of the park again. Slowly, like he's actually waiting for me to join him and I smile at the thought before joining him, with a boost to my confidence. Again.

''So, are you going to kiss me again today?'' I ask playfully after a few steps right next to him.

''No.''

''Aah... why not!? You know you want to.'' O-Oh... Please don't stop like that. Please don't look at me like that. It gives me the wrong idea... it makes me hot. Too hot. ''A goodnight kiss then?''

''You really are like a mouse...'' He says with a sigh, but he grabs me anyway by the wrist and forces me to turn his way. His. I know he gets on his tiptoes and I find it incredibly cute... and I kind of miss the whole 'kissing part' because I'm still focusing on his height. I mean, I don't miss it. It's just that, before I know it, his lips are already done brushing against mine. Already!? Damn it!

''Do it again...'' I plead softly and he groans something that resembles a ''No... and don't barge in without noticing me next time.'' before turning away towards his apartment block. I know this is the end of the conversation for now. I know he has to go back to his daughter. I know all this, but I still stop him by talking. Raising my voice to make sure he hears me. ''Do I really need an excuse to come here? Can't I just miss you?! Can't I just... want to see you?''

I don't actually hear him sigh, but I see his shoulders drops like he does. He turns a little to see me, even though we can barely see each other in the darkness of the night... and then, after what seems like an eternity: ''No... just make sure my daughter isn't there.''

The sky could light up, there could be flowers all over me... but it wouldn't express the way this feels to me. It feels like I'm on a high. Such a high, I float. Such a high, I can't imagine myself getting back down. Such a high, I feel like I can do anything. And, more importantly, I want him. Now. All of him. Any way. Anywhere. As long as it's him... and me.

And, trust me, the moment his daughter goes back to her mom... I'm in the apartment!

As if this isn't enough, he calls out to me again: ''Send me something... so I can add you to my new phone, by the way.''

I smile, a broad smile, like it's never enough to show how happy I am... Fuck. Yes. I don't even pay attention to whatever he said about his company. Or about how he still doesn't like my age. At this exact moment, it doesn't matter. I didn't come down from the high, yet.

''I will!''

Not yet.

-X-

You: Hey! =) Look at the picture I just sent you!

Levi:I'm not sure I want to look at a picture called 'Magic Eren' to be honest...

Levi: At least I know who's texting me, I guess.

You: Open it!

Levi: Fuck no. I don't need to look at it to know it's going to be a very bad selfie.

You: ...of me!

Levi: My point exactly. It is a very bad selfie.

-X-

He holds me in place with his hands on my hips and he runs his hand on my back; up to my neck, my shoulder and my arms until it reaches my hand... to sneak his fingers somewhere between mine and the sheets I'm holding tight. His fingertips feel soft and rough. It's different. I remember his hands after all the hard work; rough to the touch, but gentle. Everything else is the same from his kisses to the way he makes love... yet, it takes forever for me to notice. It's not until I lift my head from the pillow to get on my elbows and take a look at him. I take it all in... That room. The dark headboard of the bed against the gray wall. The posters of some group I don't know on the wall. The nightstand with the lamp and his cell phone right next to it. The books... Yes, the books. So many books. Perfectly piled up with a bookmark. A stupid handmade bookmark made by his daughter.

Right! His daughter...

I look through the door, but I actually realize this is fruitless. There is no daughter. There is nothing. The wall in front of me when I open my eyes is the white wall of my bedroom. Yeah, this is my bedroom with my bed... and it's my own sheets that are soaked. Mine. It's like I'm a fucking teenager! What the... Oh god. I sigh. I roll on my back, and out of the mess I just made.

-X-

I had my share of fantasying over Levi for the past months... No, years? I can't say, but it was always the same kind of premise: we were left with just a little time on our hands where we would hide somewhere and fool around a little. The Stable. The Storage Room. The Attic. It was always rushed like time was short. It was. Once in a while, we'd have the time in his room, because his rank often left him with privileges. Then, it'd be at night. Then, it'd be longer. A lot longer. We would take our damn time, but... In the end, it always ended with waking up at three or four A.M. to avoid being suspicious.

And now, my fantasies were slowly, but strongly, taking another turn.

I was spiraling down into a brand new realm of possibilities... Of course, I had some short 'n' sweet fantasy with him, but it was different anyway. It wasn't some closet somewhere where we'd make out; it was his couch, his kitchen, his counter, his bath, his shower, his bed, his floor, his wall. Plus, whenever I'd see the end of a night, it would end with him under the morning sun. No less. It was so much more inspiring.

So, yeah, that's how I ended up being a fucking perverted loser with Hannes, my 'dad', looking at me going up and down the stairs to do the laundry with all my sheets in my hand. I needed new sheets too, because the black ones I had... They showed everything little thing.

-X-

''I wouldn't sit on Eren's bed if I were you,'' says Jean and it sounds like something that'd make my teeth cringe. It feels awful and I suddenly feel self-conscious. I changed everything yesterday and it didn't seem like I needed to do it again today. Did I miss something? Do I smell or something? Does it smell? Nah. It should smell like fresh laundry! Yeah? It should. I know I jerked off in the shower this morning, but it should be fine, no? Fuck. Is it this bad? I mean, I don't do it each day... Is there a normal 'pace' to this? Oh god!

''...Why not?''

I look at Armin and I suddenly feel like I should completely redo the bed when he looks at it... He doesn't get it. Yet, because Jean will totally tell him.

''I don't want to talk about Eren's sexual life, but...'' You will because you're a dick. ''He's a horny little boy right now!''

''Am not!''

''A-Aah Levi!'' He moans... if you can call that a moan and I sure hope he isn't trying to imitate me. Fuck. He bursts out laughing. Tell me I don't sound like that when I'm dreaming of this...

''R-Right. Whatever, Jean.''

''I loOve you, Levi!''

Err... Wait. Why is Armin making such an annoyed face right now? It's not like him at all.

''Just Shut the Fuck up, Dick!''

''I'm a dick-dick-dick...'' Talking like me is already old enough as it is, but the joke is never old enough for Jean. Even if it's turning sour. Really Sour. So, once again, he feigns being me and continues: ''Addicted to you!... Levi! I'm a slave for your kicks, come and give me a fix.''

Right, he totally needs to sing like a fucking dumbass, because he doesn't have anything else to do at this time... because his sweet little best friend SLASH boyfriend is working. Lame!... well, not that I'm much better.

I feel my cell phone against my thigh in the pocket of my jeans and I'd like to ignore how I'm just waiting for the authorization to come over to Levi's place. Yeah. Totally independent, right?

''Where is Marco when we need him to calm his horse... face?'' I call out as if I don't know and I totally expect the next thing he says : ''I'm going to the grocery store, do you need anything?''

I could laugh, because that's what he does all the time; seeing Marco at work. I wish I could too... I mean, that's so lame! G O D! Scratch that. I never said that.

By 1P.M., it's just us sitting in the yard by the pool with a medium Iced Cappuccino from Tim Hortons and it really feels like Armin is back to his old self; friendly, social, talkative. I mean. It feels like it, but it all turns sour againwhen Jean comes back with his precious Marco to join us. They swim a little, of course, and when Jean proposes to smoke some weed before we order Pizza... It's back: The irritated expression.

''I'll pass.'' That's the only thing I say and it really isn't that quiet when I say it, but it was noticeable among all the cheerful answers. It suddenly turns quiet for real and I feel their eyes on me. All of them. There's a little bit of disbelief... and I see it again in Armin's face when I look at him.

''What the hell...?'' says Armin and I just answer the most normal : ''I just don't feel like it.''

When all I can think of is what Levi said when I was wasted... or how it ended. No. I'm not going there anymore. Maybe I just want to please him, but who cares? Of course I want to.

''Nah, he's been like that ever since he came back from Levi's place last week.''

Fuck you for already turning this into some ridiculous joke! Damn it. No one ever takes me seriously; this is so fucking annoying. First it's Levi and now it's Jean. Why can't anyone just let me be and take what I say for what it is!? Is it that hard!?

''That's not...''

''It is... So what's up, Eren?''

I really don't feel like answering and I don't really know why I feel like I have to answer it, but I feel like I'm caught in a corner. I don't have a way to escape this. Jean isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's definitely not dumb either. He noticed my weak excuses all week. He didn't exactly mind, but he still saw them.

Armin, on the other hand, seems to mind when I finally give up : ''He doesn't like it when I'm wasted...''

''Uh? I don't understand... didn't you say you'd only see him later today or tomorrow? You'll be fine, Eren. Why can't you just do whatever you want anyway?''

Yeah, exactly... Why can't I? Why are you like this? You've never been like this with me. Never. You always understood. You were always the wisest. Right now, you're not making any sense!

At this moment, for once, he really doesn't understand.

-X-

After the last bus going from Montreal to Longueil, I'm actually surprised to see Levi leaning against his car smoking a cigarette casually. He saw me, I know he did, but he doesn't move... as if he doesn't exactly care. He cares. If he didn't, he wouldn't be there with his car to pick me up. I could've walked. That was my plan, but he's here. Yes. He's here. I can't really control the smile that comes up on my face when I see him, or the way I'm almost jumping toward him.

I don't know why. It might be because I'm in a such a good mood, but he seems particularly gorgeous even though he's just wearing a worn out pair of jeans that's hanging out loosely around his hips with a t-shirt I know he wears for sleeping... as if he just got some pants on before he came to pick me up. You know, when I finally get him to throw his cigarette and look at me, really at me, I actually a little bit prideful to be the guy that's going to ride with THAT guy.

''I love you!'' I'm practically screaming, but I'm actually saying it just for him with a cheerful voice. He turns around so fast, it's actually a bit comical considering the mood I am in, but it also hurts... just a little.

Or a bit more than a little.

''Shut up, brat, before I change my mind and leave you here.''