Content note for discussions of death.

I'd been sitting on the bed in my dark room in the pokemon center for half an hour, fidgeting with Violet's pokeball, waiting for a bit of confidence to have this conversation. The confidence didn't come, but I couldn't avoid talking with her forever. I pressed the button on Violet's pokeball and shut my eyes. The bright white light shone right through my eyelids.

The light faded and after a few seconds I opened my eyes. A pretty Espeon stood there, looking very intently at me. I waited a second, another second, but she just stood there.

She finally spoke. Are you okay?

"I'm fine."

You just—

"I'm fine, just. How much do you know? I-I don't really know what it's like in there."

I don't know. I don't remember a lot about it. Time passed. I knew that things were going on, but it was so hard to pay attention. It's like I'm floating. I couldn't focus, except for when you held my pokeball in your hands.

"I'm sorry."

That doesn't matter right now, love.

"I know you hate what it's like in there. I shouldn't have put you there."

Triage, dear. I want to focus on something important. How are you?

I took a drink from my water bottle, and then offered her some. She came close, lapped up some water, and stepped back to where she was. I frowned a little. "That Team Flare person — I don't remember their name — they were so insistent. They wanted me and I don't understand. They thought there was something special about me that— what was their name? I can't remember and it's driving me wild."

I don't know, dear. I wasn't there. Keep going.

"They were so insistent, but I was just numb. I can't forget about what happened."

Jasper, you mean?

"I don't want to talk about it."

Kira, she said. Her voice sounded so soft. It was like an embrace, like she wanted to draw me in safe with her words. I drew in my legs close to my body and hugged my knees. I wanted to be a smaller target.

"I mean it, Violet. I don't want to talk about it."

You know better than that.

"Please, just stop. I want to hug you and rest and have things feel okay."

She took a step forward, and then another, and another. She came up to the bed, climbed up, and started nuzzling my legs. This won't go away. You know that it never does.

"Maybe it will. Maybe this time, for once, it will. Please stop bringing this up. Could you please do the pressure thing?"

I closed my eyes, laid down fully on the bed, and curled up. In a second, I felt a firm, comforting weight press down on me. I didn't have a weighted blanket, but Violet could pretend to be one with her psychic powers.

I don't know how long I just laid there, eyes closed. Violet curled up next to me, nuzzling my chest and purring. Slowly I made my way back to lucidity. I put my hand on her head and scritched her softly. It took me ages to get out, "What if he's dead? What if he's dead and I killed him?"

Violet shifted her head. I think she was looking at me, but I still had my eyes shut. Her voice was soft and quiet. You didn't kill him.

"Yes, I did."

You are not that Gardevoir.

"No, don't. Don't do that. Please don't be pedantic right now. Of course I did. Of course we did! You said not to go and I listened!"

Love, what would have happened to you? What would have happened to us? That Gardevoir was strong enough to wipe us out. If she killed him, she would have killed us.

"He shouldn't have gone alone."

Rini hasn't had a battle. Raine's still a young Cyndaquil and she can't make that much fire. And me... I'm not allowed to battle, so we've been together for years and I'm still weak. Best case, he's still alive and he's looking for you; but worse case, we would have all died.

I had tears in my eyes, and I just didn't understand. She could hear the urgency in my voice, she could read my mind, so why didn't she understand? "He shouldn't have gone alone."

So we should have gone with him. So we should have died too.

"No. No, that's not what I mean."

Please stop thinking that it'd be better if you were dead. I'll never let you go alone, and you know that.

"Jasper's gone. Jasper's gone, and Miyuki, and Linden, and Adelia. So many people we know are gone. I'm tired of people leaving. I'm tired of losing people."

It's not your fault they're gone.

"I don't care if it's my fault. I didn't want another one!" I sat up and pushed Violet away. Tears flowed without restraint and my throat felt raw and I didn't care. "Every pokemon trainer I know has at least one friend who almost died, one friend who's dead... I think I know more dead people than not. I didn't know it was going to be like this. Nobody tells you that there's no point in making friends because they'll all be gone in a week. Every teacher since I was seven has said things like It's a tradition that goes back generations. It's a good way to find friends for life. It can give you glory and fame and financial security, but nobody says that it can get you burnt up and your ashes spread over your favorite route."

What do you want to do about it? What can we even do about it?

"I don't know. There's a voice inside me that's still ten years old and thinks getting all the badges would be the coolest thing in the world. I can't get it to shut up, no matter how much I want it to. I just want to keep everyone safe."

We can't keep anyone safe if we're dead. We have to take care of ourselves first.

"Is it actually possible? We're small and fragile. We're small, and weak, and weird."

Only the small and the weak and the weird care in the first place.

"Okay." I fell back on the bed and looked at the ceiling with my eyes out of focus. "I'm exhausted. Could we stop and snuggle and go to bed?"

There's one thing I'd like to know first. Why have you been speaking out loud this whole time?

I waited for a bit before answering. I wanted to make sure the words came out right. "Telepathy is intimate. I didn't think I deserved intimacy."

She licked me and I giggled. Don't be silly, she said, I love you.

I know. I love you too. I brought my hand down to my belt and felt the two pokeballs resting there. Raine and Rini have waited long enough, probably. I should let them out and we should go to sleep.

She licked me more. Avert your eyes, I said, and she buried her face in my side while the pokeballs opened.