EREN

He starts the car and I can't stop looking at his hand on the shifter of the car. Between us. Close to his thigh. To mine. I want to slide fingers between his and bring them to my thigh... or his. When his hand is resting on his thigh, I want to touch the leg under it too. I hold my Iced Cappuccino firmly to stop myself from doing it. To keep my hand busy with something. To think about my drink rather than think of how my hand probably belongs on his... on him in general. He said I couldn't drink in the car, but changed his mind after a few seconds of watching me play with the straw. It started with just chewing, but I got rather bold when I felt his eyes on me. Well, as bold as I could with a straw between my lips. I tried. Let's be honest, I'm happy it made him uncomfortable... even if it was a shitty attempt at being seductive. I've never been really good at being seductive.

I wish I was seductive enough to have you, though.

Six hours of craving later, I'm hanging on... and I'm literally hanging on to my empty cup; trying to find something to say instead of letting this heavy silence hang in the air. I think of asking him why again. I rolled the word on my tongue a few times, but I didn't say it. I couldn't say it. I played scenarios in my head starting from this question where Levi actually cared about me: 'Why?' 'Because I want to know... and help you.' No definitely not. That's not like him at all. Something else, then... more like:

''We didn't talk about it yet...about what happened the other day.''

I'm actually surprised I manage to keep my voice steady like that. It's embarrassing to bring it up all the time with someone who doesn't seem to care. Seem is the keyword here. I'm not the sharpest that's true, but I'm not stupid either. I know he looks at me and I know Levi doesn't let everyone in like that. We sleep together. Sometimes, we hold each other. We cuddle. Even though he always tries to make it seem like it's all me; my fault, my initiative and it's all just to please me... Yeah right! And then, sometimes, even though he's still having some kind of obsession with cleaning; we kiss. It's not really the sloppy and wet kisses that turn into something arousing in movies and stuff, but STILL.

And yet, he's there... sighing like this is such a bother. ''Do we really need to talk about it?''

We do.

''It was part of the deal we made.''

''Fine, and is there anything you'd like to say about it?''

I know. This question isn't meant to be answered with a Yes, or anything. It's meant to make me drop the subject. It's meant to make me realize there's nothing specific I want to say about it, but I refuse to let go. I refuse to submit because it takes me more than three seconds to think properly of a 'Come back' for it. No.

''Yes, there is. I know it was kind of weird, but I jerked you off.'' Pause. He says nothing. He just breathes out suddenly like he's blurting out air out of surprise because I actually said it out loud. I made it real. ''You came by my hand. I jerked you off.''

''No need to repeat it!'' He groans in response and I can tell I'm getting worked up by this... by him when my voice just gets louder and louder.

''I think I do actually... because I feel like you want to act like it didn't happen!''

''Don't worry... I know it happened.'' He says with some kind of weird giggle more like a 'desperate sigh' like: Oh God, I don't have a choice anymore do I? Fuck no. You don't get to choose to ignore this.

''It wasn't exactly what I had in mind... or what I planned.'' I start, but the truth is; I don't even know where I'm trying to go with this. What am I trying to tell him anyway? This isn't what I had in mind, please let me do it again? No. What about: What I had in mind was more like love-making than just coldly getting you off? No. I mean. Yes to both, but I can't possibly say that. ''I didn't want it to be this... cold-hearted. Quite the opposite. I...''

''...Does it matter?''

Do you really need to ask?!

''Yes! I can be what you need if...''

''No. It doesn't matter because it won't happen again, brat.''

-X-

''What are we doing here?'' I ask for like the tenth time since we left the comfort of the car with the A/C and started walking in the woods by the highway... in the humid and hot temperature of summer. I keep looking back, worried. What about the car? Can we even leave it there? Isn't it going to look weird for a car to be in the middle of nowhere like that? Levi said it was the same as going out of the car to piss in the woods, but I think it's an unlikely long piss we're having. Kind of suspicious. Then, at the same time, it's not like we're doing anything wrong, right? Apart from being on someone's property without their authorization. This is trespassing, right?

''Hey, Levi!'' I call out to him because he didn't answer and, as much as I like staring at his ass when he walks in front of me, I'm rather irritated by this. It's not like there's anything to search for in here, is there?

''...Why were you there in the first place? It's not like you fell from the sky. Someone brought you there somehow. Or did you go by yourself before 'whatever happened here' happened? And if you were the one to come here; why did you come here anyway?''

''I don't really get where you're going with this... '' I admit simply. This isn't leading anywhere... Why is this important? Is it because I might have been sexually assaulted? Is it because it's disgusting? No, but then I can't really find any reasons for him to bring me here. Please don't... It's not my fault. I never wanted it to be like that. What? Is it just because I don't like people touching me? Fuck it. Ok. Maybe I overreacted back then, but that doesn't mean shit! I don't mind if it's you... quite the opposite; I want it to be you. It won't change anything... I promise!

But then again, it's not like searching here will prove anything so... what's the point?

The ass I enjoy imagining under his dark jeans stops and I raise my head to look at him instantly!... in case he realises where I'm looking. He turns and our eyes meet. Cold steel eyes stare right at me when he speaks. Finally, he's looking at me... because he didn't even look my way ever since we got out of the car.

''It's not like it all happened in your imagination, Eren. The walls. The titans. They were real.'' Pause. He just stands there; breathing and I'm focused on his lips waiting for the next word to come out for me while he puts it all in order until he turns around to continue walking. He said it all in just a few words and I want to kiss him so bad. So fucking badly. He believes me. He fucking believes me. He admitted it. It makes me a lot happier than it should..., but I can't help the smile finding its way to my lips slowly. I struggle to keep the love inside me as it threatens to burst out. I settle with a look, just a look at him. A Fond one. An affectionate one. ''I searched for the walls on the world map and I kept thinking Europe. Always Europe, but what if the walls were right here? What if the you before the accident came here for the walls?''

I feel my blood pumping in my heart loudly... erratically. He gave this so much thought and I know it's not just for my sake, but it makes me happy anyway. What if... What if! So many of them. We might be unable to notice if walls were there before and it might be wrong from beginning to end, but it makes me excited. It suddenly gives a meaning to what happened here about a year ago. What if it was just that? It suddenly makes me smile... stupidly. I'm so glad this isn't about whatever happened to me... Here. Once again, I want to kiss him. I'd make love to him right on the spot if I could. No one would know or see. We're all alone! ...but I settle with his hand in mine. He tries to squeeze out of it at first, but he lets me hold his hand at last and it makes me happy... even though it looks like he's just dragging me by the hand. It's alright, because I get to touch him.

He can drag me anywhere to be honest.

-X-

He asks if I remember anything... and I wish I could say yes when I see the way he looks at me. There's excitation. There's anticipation. He looks at every single rock in this field. He walks from one to the other while he looks at his phone and I just stand there like I'm part of the scenery. Do I remember anything? I don't. I feel horrible and I feel like puking, sure, but I am not remembering anything. I feel lonely. I feel the overwhelming urge to touch Levi suddenly. A lot more than before. I feel like the air is heavy, like I'm crushed to the ground by some feelings I don't understand. I just know they're there.

He comes back toward me... perfect and incredibly beautiful with the wind in his hair and the twilight sky in the back. He says something about how the walls could have been here, but I barely register what he's saying. He looks at me. He really looks at me. It's probably because I didn't really give him an answer. He looks worried. He gets closer. And closer.

''Eren... What's wrong?''

And then, I just know I'm crying.

-X-

I don't really know how long or how strong. I don't know when it started at all... was it the instant we reached the fields? Was it when I realized this empty space was overwhelming? No. I think it was after. I think it was after I entered it. I couldn't see anything, but I could feel it. I swear, I could feel the walls around me when I fell to my knees to puke. I could feel despair. I could feel my heart being crushed. The Pain; I couldn't get rid of it. I felt despair. And Pain. I felt anger. And Pain. I could hear Eren's screams in my ears. I could feel him shake with rage. I could feel him struggle with despair crawling under his skin. I could feel him surrender... I felt him give up and I felt so much Pain.

I felt like Levi was gone... and I wanted to destroy the whole world.

It still hurts and I search for him right as I open my eyes... because I feel like I lost him and I'll never see him again. Like I missed him. It's him. Just There. Right there. He was with me all along. He's still driving and I realize his fingers are slipped between mine. I realize my hand is on his thigh and I actually have to stop myself from moving it. Because I want it to stay there. I wanted it to be there ever since we got in the car, Levi. I also realize it's dark outside, which brings my eyes to the clock: 9:47. How long did I nap?

''It's been nearly one hour'' He says like he's reading my mind and I realize he's watching me through the corner of his eyes from time to time. Attentive. So fucking attentive. So fucking good to me... for me.

''I'm sorry...'' I mumble, but I know he heard it. He hums in response and I think he's about to move his hand away for an instant, but it stays right there; on mine.

This conversation and this subject do not go any further than this. I end right there with an apology he probably doesn't want to take, but takes any way to keep the quiet peace in the car. It just happens to be a moment where I feel like I need to talk to fill the silence. It's one of those moments where the silence feels too heavy to handle... so I say something. Anything. As long as it's not too dumb and it ends up being something practical most of the time... to make me feel like I'm useful.

''We should stop somewhere for the night to rest, I guess...''

But I know from the way he glares at me; he doesn't think I'm very useful and wants nothing with my 'practical' bullshit. Because, let's be honest, he could use some rest after it all. He says ''No'' like it's obviously out of the question. Impossible. ''I can drive back home just fine. If you want to rest, you can sleep in your seat... I don't mind.''

I know you don't.

''I want to sleep in a bed... I'm wiped!'' It's not that bad, but I am tired indeed and I don't exactly want to spend the night in the car. I'd miss my last night of sleep with him because we were in a car. I don't even want to look at him. I'm sure I'm looking bashful like a little kid... again.

''That's what you get from crying and puking... It's hard on you.'' Pause. ''And kind of disgusting.''

''You know why you really need to stop somewhere then?'' I ask. It's playful. It's almost teasing. It's boyish. I lean forward in my seat to be able to see his face from my angle. His face. His. It's stoic, stubborn, sharp and pretty. And I smile again. Just like that. Because of him. I think of his comment over his disgust... Just like you. Perfectly like you. I can't bring the corner of my lips down. Just like I can't get my heartbeat to calm down. I know. I don't know what to do with myself, but I know. I just know; I love him. I love him so much it makes me stupid. I love him so much it hurts. ''To make sure you're clean... because I think I might have spill some on you a little when you helped me back to the car.''

You should see the way he looks all over himself suddenly like there's something gross on him... and then at me; shocking.

-X-

After one quick expedition to the drug store for soap, toothbrushes and all the essentials... We enter room number 4 of the nearest Comfort Inn Levi could find... because he wouldn't settle with something crappy. He mumbled something about filthy each time I managed to find a place to stay on his cell phone. I guess I should have known after seeing him being picky about a simple toothbrush. I should have known from all the cleaning he made me do in the past too. I should've known!

There isn't much to say about the room... Let's see; a very 'average' bathroom and bedroom to Levi's standard of cleanliness. And then, finally, I can't move on to the simple furniture because of the main piece: the bed. Yes. THE BED. Singular. As in; one bed. One queen bed. One. Just one. I know, we always sleep in the same bed at his place anyway, but he always makes it seem like it's my fault. It's just because I'm... well, I'm me. BUT NOT NOW! No, because right now; Levi, out of his own free will, booked for a room with one bed. Just one.

Thump. Thump. I feel my heart bursting and I walk the few feet ahead of me to get right behind him. And, finally, I hug him tightly from behind without saying anything. To be honest, I don't know if he knows why I'm doing it. He probably doesn't, but it doesn't matter. I get to hold his smaller figure against my chest. I get to breathe him in before he slips out of it... And I like to think I see him slightly flustered when he walks past me to get into the bathroom.

''...I'm going first.''

Next thing I know; the shower is running.

-X-

It never bothered me before... No. It's not that it bothers me. It's just that it upsets me to be conscious of how Levi was in the shower before me. He was right there. He used that shampoo, that soap and that wet towel on the door was his. I'm not that turned on really when I leave the bathroom. I'm just self-conscious of him... and suddenly in a hurry to make him conscious of me like that too when he's around me. All because it hits me hard when I realize it: Levi doesn't care about the room, about the shower, about me sleeping with him, hugging him... even kissing him. He doesn't care because he still doesn't fully see me as a potential life partner. Or maybe he does, but he doesn't want to. He still doesn't want to. So yeah, when I leave the bathroom naked it's not because of lust. It's something different, more complex.

''What are you trying to prove?'' Is the first thing that leaves his lips when he looks at me in shock as I suddenly rush in front of him and open my arms like I'm screaming for him to look at me. Let's be honest, I didn't think I'd be this embarrassed about this, but it seems very foolish and stupid right now. Very. I scramble my thoughts and I'm left with nothing, but stupid sound.

''You didn't have to show me... I knew you had a dick.'' He looks at it... I swear, he totally does and I feel like it's definitely getting smaller every second, but then he sighs and turns away like it's the dumbest shit ever and it's not even worth his time.

''I... I...'' Fuck! What was my super intelligent plan again? And then, suddenly, it comes out so wrong... and yet, so right. I rush in front of him again and I shout : ''Look at me!''

Damn it! Stop looking away! I grab him by the arm and I expect some sort of fight, but he turns around to face me. His eyes shift down just for an instant and then back at me. It's weird. He is weird. He spits words at me like venom, but it's different than usual... and his expression is off.

''Alright! I saw you, now get off my case and put some clothes on you poor excuse of a man!''

It starts with : ''Fuck off, Levi!'' and then more yelling and pulling at limbs to force the other to look at them... or get away in his case. There's a moment where I actually submit at putting my boxers on. His eyes on my penis were quite unsettling. Embarrassing, but kind of burning at the same time. He looked at me in a similar fashion though. Awkward. That's the only word for it. Very Awkward. There's more aggression after putting some clothes on though. It's like there's something in the air now. Levi won't leave me alone. He pesters me about being ridiculous... and, more importantly, about being immoral. I don't really know how it happens after that, I just know I lose my temper with him at the insult. As in, I literally lose it and I rush his way in a desperate attempt to make him understand. To drop it. To stop insulting me. Ok. It was stupid, but I figured it wasn't such a bad thing to do: to rush ahead.

Please, let's forget about how it ends in a failure with my back hitting the mattress instead of his. I was suppose to look cool and to get the upper hand, but I don't. I pulled at him and I tried to move him, but he didn't. No. He moved me. He pushed me away. He pushed me on the bed with so much force. It was brutal. It was rough. It was surprising because Levi always contained whatever he really felt to the minimum until now... until now.

It probably shouldn't make me hard in the least. Having Levi above me, holding my shoulders menacingly and telling me something like: ''You need to come back to earth! You're seventeen for fuck's sake!'' ... None of it should be exciting. Yet, it is in a weird way. I grab him with my legs to try some stupid move like I saw on U.F.C., but it doesn't exactly end the way I wanted it to. More like I stop midway because. Oh god. What was that gasp, Levi? Make it again. And I'm probably mean because I try to reproduce it. I pull with my legs again. U.F.C. wannabe be damned, this is so... so... Something else. I try to feel the bulge against mine again and, more importantly, I try to hear his gasp in the middle of that.

He tries to move away... and I push my luck by forcing the friction to happen between us again... and again. I don't even know how I managed to talk, because I'm way too much into whatever is happening to my body, but I guess bitching and yelling isn't too easy to drop and my tone keeps as much aggression as possible.

''Why does it matter so much anyway?''

''Damn, brat!'' He barks; caught between my legs... and not even trying with all his strength to get away. Hell yeah. You're not going anywhere until this conversation is over, Levi! And I push again. And it feels like I'm diving underwater each time because my breath gets caught in my lungs and this conversation doesn't seem to matter anymore until I emerge.

''Back then, I... I w-ah-as much younger!'' I continue. Unwavering... or, well, trying. And I feel like he's also trying to stay the same. To give a warning.

''And the... c...context was different. We already had this conversation, Eren.''

''But I'm older! And you're younger!''

''Get off me!''

Why are you trying to get away? Why are you being so complicated?

It's a blur what happens next. At one point, I just know he's biting his lips, but he's not trying to push me back anyway. He's just holding my gaze like he's judging how serious I am with this. I feel like I'm the only one getting all worked up over something as stupid as touching each other through our clothes. Like I'm the only one lost in the waves washing over me each time. It could very well be, but there's the flush on his cheeks... and the way he opens his mouth to breathe without losing my eyes.

And I want to kiss him. So bad. So fucking bad, but all that comes out is a husky: ''I want to do it... with you.''

''I could be fucking arrested for that...'' He says and he runs away from my eyes when he does. Like he doesn't want to deal with the consequence, because I know... and He knows; He didn't tell me no. He didn't deny it. He didn't refuse me. He just looked away from me and I raise my hands toward him to touch him and to finally force his head to turn my way. Force him to lay his grey eyes on me. In mine.

''I... I know, but who's going to report us anyway? Does it really matter? I'm going to turn eighteen in less than a year...''

''Don't tempt me, Eren.'' he warns me and I love the way my name and the letters roll on his throaty voice when he speaks. I love the way he looks at me, for once. Like he's finally seeing me the way I want him to. Like he's finally considering it... He calls it tempting and it works for me, but Fuck the temptation! and...

''Give in already! I love you and I want you... just you, Levi.''

''Eren.'' Warning.

''It doesn't have to be the past Levi. I want this Levi!''

''Eren.'' More warning, but I never learn do I?

''I know you love me and I know you want it! I'm tired of waiting for you to come to terms with it, just admit it already!''

I'm glad I didn't listen to the warning, because... When Levi snaps, he pushes himself down against me roughly and kisses the living shit out of me. Yeah. Literally; the living shit out of me. I could probably describe that kiss and I'd use overwhelming words because it is... and I've waited for that kind of kiss forever. The kind of kiss that heats up and leads to more. I could, but I won't. It's kind of hard to describe anything past this point to be honest because it is what it is: overwhelming. There's Levi on top of me. There are his hands on my thighs; exploring them. Then, they cup my ass and they squeeze me against him. Finally, he does it all. Finally. y! The most simple gesture makes me hum under his lips like I'm trying to encourage him in doing it... and he doesn't quit.

He tries to get me near the pillow and near the headboard more than the end of the bed, but let me tell you one thing: I find myself naked before we ever get near it. I don't really pay attention to how it happens... and it's not like we talk. I can't exactly talk and I feel like he tries to stop me from talking. And I don't exactly feel like saying a word; as if it could break the moment. I know I'm the one to remove my shirt in a hurry and... well, most of our clothes before he could change his mind, but when it comes down to his pants... There is an awkward pause where we look at each other in awe; lips swollen and heavy lidded eyes. I lay there... naked and hard as fuck after all that dry humping I had against his thigh which is totally his doing.

And suddenly, I feel like he's going to run away again. I wasn't fast enough I guess and I'm crumbling with each word he says in a quiet voice: ''Oh God... Is this really- This isn't a good idea...''

After that, don't ask me what goes through my mind honestly; it's probably rage that makes me stand up and push him around to reverse positions... and then, the rage turns to something else... more sexual. Or not. Because I can't say I'm really gentle when I pull his pants down and free his cock. Yeah, because you can't fucking tell me this hard on is an accident Levi! Fuck you!

''If it bothers you that much... Then I'll do it.'' I tell him when I finally get the sight. Finally. FUCKING FINALLY. He's right there. He's naked and I trace circles all over his skin in a soothing manner... while I take him all in. Him. Just him. He's thinner. He's skinnier. He's different and Levi wasn't that hesitant... or was he? But he is still so beautiful, I'm never going to get tired of him. Never.

''...What do you mean?'' He breathes the words; at last and it feels like I could ride on them. So warm. So hoarse. And kind of uncertain when he asks me that; like he knows, yet doesn't admit it. I love that voice and the mouth it came out from... and him. Just him.

So I hide my face in the crook of his neck and I lay against him... gasping a little when we touch even though I was the one to push my lower abdomen against him. I'm not going to say it's like our bodies match each other, because they don't. It's just me thinking they do, because my face fits there in that little space. It's just me thinking they do because I hear the way his breathing is uneven for an instant and not just because of the way our bodies touch... It's because he knows what I meant.

''...Ok.'' He breathes out again and I kiss his neck... and I let my hand wander between our stomachs. I brush against him intentionally, but I slip between his legs instead... Further. Further. And he tries to block my access with a weak: ''Wait... Not like this.''

I lift myself up a little to see him... and I stop my exploration for an instant, just an instant. ''Not like this?''

''Let me turn around.'' Wait what? ''...on my stomach.'' You must be kidding. Fuck that. I want to see you. I want to be close to you. I won't settle with anything less! Why would you... Oh. You're looking away. You're hiding. You're still hiding... and I won't let you discard this like you did before, Levi. I know how you get away with this now and it won't happen again. This isn't what I want... I want you. You. You. You. You can't be trying to flee while I'm having you. This is so...

''Unfair.''

''What?''

''You're not fair!''

''What the...''

''I want to see you. I want to hold you... And I want you to see me when we're doing it!''

There's a pause. It feels like eternity. It probably is an eternity until he finally submits and lets me get the closest thing to a moan I've ever gotten from him yet. It feels like an eternity again before he's finally ready and I push into him like my rollercoaster finally starts the descent abruptly. I hold my breath until I'm ready for the rise again. Rise and fall. Up and down. It all started with me removing is pants roughly and it stays an intense ride where I feel like I ride on his breathing more than anything else, but I ride anyway... and I'm more of a lover than a simple fuck to be honest. I find his eyes in a blur of sweat... and he finds mine. I find his hand in a blur of flesh. I find his lips in a blur of exhale and inhale. Sometimes, I feel like I'm breathing him. Literally am. I find his everything.

And then I realise I might be having sex for the first time in this life, but it doesn't matter because we're still a part of 'us'. And then I realise I'm just having sex with him, but it means the world to me and I make it something special... I try to make it into something special. Something magic.

And it is magic when he comes undone and brings me over the edge... His grip on my hair never felt this tight. His fingers on my skin never felt this hot... and my name never seemed that great until he says it with a whine out of this world.

... but, we're not done yet.

-X-

I come to realize; Levi swears a lot and it makes me smile proudly each time I get a broken : 'Fuck!' from him. It never fails me.

-X-

''I'm too old for this!'' He says when I'm caressing him more than I'm scrubbing him... or myself like I'm supposed to do, but the 'No' turns into a yes quicker than I even suspected and it's oddly arousing to see myself pounding into him in the mirror. of the bathroom.. with my knees getting weak, with my fingers wrapped around his erection and my hand on his hips. It's even better when he raises his head and pushes the hairs away from his face, because I get to see the faces he makes.

-X-

He slaps my curious hand away from his stomach, because he knows I've been unable to keep my hands off him ever since we started this. As in, completely unable to do it. I've been looking at the curves of his lower back and then his ass while he lays on the bed. I've been looking at the way his chest keeps rising and then falling in rhythm. I've been looking at his face with his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted to let the heavy breathing out and I couldn't really keep my lips away from him and my hands to myself. I had to be close to him. To touch him.

''Damn it, Eren!...'' He mumbles against the pillows... and we might be done for now at last.