AN: Thank you for all the feedback on the last chapter - I really do appreciate it all, and mirgine1224 - I'm sorry I made you cry at work! For those of you wondering about Quinn and Santana raising Beth from now on, I can tell you that there are still several more twists and turns to the story yet to come. Nothing is certain. So, here's the next chapter for you all, and I have to warn you, I cried writing the last scene. Let me know what you think!
Chapter Nineteen: Shockwaves
Shelby was dead. Quinn suddenly staggered under the full force of Rachel's weight as the brunette sobbed inconsolably against her shoulder. Quinn wanted to cry too, but she couldn't, not yet. There would be more than enough time for tears later but right now her only priority was Beth. How in the world was she supposed to explain this to her? Did Beth even understand what death meant? Quinn wanted to take hold of the little girl, wrap her in her arms, and never let go.
The next few hours were a blur as the Berrys, Quinn and Santana came to terms with the news and realized the weight that was sitting on their shoulders. There would be forms to fill out, a funeral to plan, people to inform – but it was still Christmas Day so all of that would have to wait. None of them even knew if Shelby had any other family besides Beth. Hiram and Leroy vaguely recalled her mentioning a brother, but their last conversation with Shelby had been over twenty years ago and anything could have happened in the meantime. Rachel wasn't much help – she couldn't remember Shelby ever talking about her family – and she was too distraught to think straight.
Plans needed to be made for Beth's care too, but when the Berry men started to voice their concerns, Quinn stopped them in their tracks with a withering glare.
"She's coming home with me," she said fiercely. "I promised Shelby I'd take care of her and I meant it."
"Quinn, sweetheart," Hiram Berry's voice was gentle but forceful. "Children's Services may have something to say about that. You can't just take a child, there are protocols to follow."
"They'll put her into foster care!" Quinn was frantic but desperately trying to rein in her emotions for Beth's sake. The little girl was napping across two of the waiting room chairs, using Santana and Quinn's jackets as a makeshift blanket and pillow. "She needs me, she's just lost her mom and she's going to need to be told. I can't let some stranger explain that to her. Please?" Her voice broke as she begged the Berrys to help her.
Leroy and Hiram exchanged worried glances. "Let me go talk to the hospital administration," Leroy offered gently. "I'll see what I can find out."
Quinn nodded gratefully and sank into a chair next to the sleeping four year old, studying her peaceful expression intently, as though trying to memorize every detail of her beautiful face. Santana was sitting opposite them, one arm around Rachel, who had her knees drawn up to her chest and was staring blankly into space.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly, her gaze meeting Quinn's and holding steady. Quinn shook her head sadly.
"What am I supposed to say to her, San?" she asked shakily.
For once the brunette didn't have the answer. Instead, she released her hold on Rachel, who didn't even seem to notice, and was at Quinn's side and an instant to gather her into her arms. Quinn trembled in her embrace but she managed not to break down and cry, even as Santana's silent tears fell onto Quinn's arm.
Leroy was gone for a long time, or so it seemed to Quinn. Beth woke up cranky and irritable; she didn't understand why they were still at the hospital and why she couldn't go back down the hall to her mommy.
"Mommy's sleeping," Santana told her when Quinn was lost for words. "And we'll go home soon, squirt, I promise. We just have a few boring grown-up things to take care of first."
Eventually, Leroy returned with a pretty young woman who looked about twenty-five and had a strand of tinsel wrapped around her lanyard. This caught Quinn by surprise; she could barely believe it was still Christmas Day.
"Hi, I'm Samantha Kirk, the hospital social worker on call," she said almost apologetically, tucking a strand of dark blonde hair behind her ear. "I'm here to talk about interim living arrangements for Beth Corcoran." She looked over at the four year old who was watching her distrustfully. "Maybe we should talk outside?"
"I'll watch her," Hiram offered, as Santana and Quinn stood up hesitantly. Leroy led them out into the corridor and closed the door carefully behind them. Santana reached for Quinn's hand and grasped it tightly as Quinn felt every muscle in her body tense.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," Samantha said genuinely. "I know that this is a difficult time but Shelby Corcoran left a dependent child and it's my job to safeguard her care. Now, Mr Berry here indicates that the two of you would like to take on that responsibility," she continued, offering Quinn and Santana a small smile. "He's explained the circumstances to me and I have a few questions before I can make a determination. Now, you're currently living in Manhattan and you're both in school, is that right?"
"I'm a junior at Columbia," Quinn said quickly. "And Santana… well, she…"
"I'm taking some time out," Santana explained, a worried look clouding her features. "But I have a job as a waitress."
"I see," Samantha jotted down their answers on a clipboard. "And, who would be the primary caregiver for Beth?"
"I would." Again, Quinn's answer was hurried. "I'll take time off from school, whatever it takes."
"You're the child's biological mother," Samantha said softly. "Does she know?" Quinn shook her head. "And do you intend to tell her?" Samantha wanted to know.
"I…" Quinn didn't know what to say. She looked to Santana for help.
"Ms Kirk," Santana began quietly, "I know that you have a job to do, and I know that you need to make sure that we can take care of Beth, but really all you need to know is that Quinn loves her, and Beth loves Quinn so much. If you just watch them together, even for five minutes, you'll see. It radiates out of both of them. Shelby wanted Quinn in Beth's life, she knew the bond they had, and she encouraged it. Beth has just lost her mom, and right now Quinn is the only stability she has. Please don't take that away from her too?"
An hour later, Quinn, Santana, Rachel, Beth, and the Berry men were all heading home. Santana's impassioned plea had worked and after a few additional questions Quinn had been granted interim custody of Beth. Samantha had been quick to warn them that the arrangement would only be temporary – there would need to be a court hearing at a later date, and they didn't yet know if Shelby had left a will detailing her wishes for Beth's ongoing care, but for now it was official. Despite Samantha's strong words of caution about the extremely temporary nature of their situation, Quinn heard little else after the social worker told her that Beth could come home with them, already her mind was racing ahead - where would Beth sleep? How could she rearrange her schedule to be there for the little girl? How would the three of them manage in their tiny apartment? And one question, overarching all the others - how was she supposed to help Beth come to terms with the loss of her mother?
Hiram and Leroy had offered to take Quinn's car back to New Brunswick with them, as there was nowhere for Quinn to park it near their apartment. Quinn and Santana were taking Beth back to their apartment in a taxi as they didn't have a child-seat for Quinn's car. Hiram Berry pressed a fifty dollar bill into Santana's palm as he gave them both a hug and promised to call them in the morning.
By the time they arrived at the apartment it was past seven. Quinn was so tired that she could barely think straight, and she knew that Santana must be even more exhausted having driven all the way from Ohio that day, but the brunette kept up a steady stream of chatter with Beth, who, now that she was away from the oppressive atmosphere of the hospital, was full of excited energy. To her, all of this had suddenly become a great adventure. After a hurried discussion in the hospital corridor, Quinn and Santana had decided not to tell Beth about Shelby until the following morning. In truth, neither of them could face it that night after everything that had happened.
"Wow! You have a Christmas tree!" Beth squealed in delight as they let her into the apartment. Although neither Quinn nor Santana felt like being festive, Quinn quickly plugged in the Christmas lights for the little girl's enjoyment.
"Beth, honey, it's getting kind of late," Quinn told her softly when the four year old asked if she could watch TV. "We've all had a long day. Why doesn't Santana make you something to eat and I'll give you a bath?"
"But I'm not tired," Beth informed them, bouncing on the sofa cushions cheerfully. Quinn and Santana exchanged glances. Beth had napped on and off throughout the day and now they would have to deal with the fallout. Neither of them had a lot of experience with small children other than occasional forays into babysitting as teenagers, and the reality of what they had taken on was starting to hit them.
Finally, Quinn sighed and turned on the TV. Beth beamed, fully aware that she had won this battle of wills. With the innate ability that only children seemed to have, she quickly figured out the remote control and found the Disney channel. An obnoxiously loud and garish cartoon blared out and Quinn couldn't help but wince. Her head was pounding. She knew she should probably eat something but she was equally sure that she'd just throw it straight back up. Santana was clinging to the kitchen counter as though it was a life raft and Quinn felt a rush of affection for her fiancée as she crossed the small space and wrapped her arms around the brunette. The girls drank in comfort from each other for several minutes while Beth gazed at the TV screen in rapt fascination.
"Why don't you go take a shower?" Quinn murmured finally, playing with long stands of Santana's hair by letting them slip silkily through her fingers. She could feel the tension in Santana's tired muscles as the brunette laid her head on Quinn's shoulder, and she inhaled deeply, filling her lungs with the scent that was uniquely her fiancée.
Santana nodded, too tired to argue, and Quinn turned her attention back to Beth.
"Okay, kiddo," she said, collapsing onto the couch beside the little girl. "What do you want to eat?" Beth merely shrugged, her attention on the TV show. Quinn tried to remember what food she'd left in the refrigerator before they'd left for Lima - could it really have only been thirty-six hours ago? It felt like another lifetime. "I know," she said suddenly, beaming like she'd just had the best idea in the world, when what she really wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. Her tone and expression got Beth's attention and the four year old looked at her expectantly. "You know what Santana's favorite food in the whole wide world is?" Quinn continued in a conspiratorial tone. Beth shook her head, a small smile playing on her full lips. "Pancakes," Quinn told her. "With lots," she paused to tickle the little girl and make her giggle, "of maple syrup."
"But it's nighttime," Beth said, confusion puckering her tiny brow. "I have pancakes for breakfast."
Quinn managed a laugh, although it sounded pretty weak to her ears.
"But that's the best bit," she said with a grin. "Because you're supposed to have pancakes for breakfast, it feels kind of naughty to have them for dinner. And that makes them taste even better. You want to help me make Santana some pancakes?"
Beth nodded eagerly, slipping her hand into Quinn's. She allowed Quinn to lead her into the kitchen and lift her onto the counter and before long the first batch of fluffy pancakes were sizzling in the pan.
By the time Santana emerged from the bathroom, with wet hair dripping down her back, Beth had a belly full of pancakes and was starting to yawn. Quinn was busily making her a bed on the couch and she smiled as Santana sidled up to her and wrapped her arms around her waist.
"Okay, squirt, it's your turn," Santana instructed, pointing towards the bathroom. Beth's eyes narrowed and she pouted at the brunette.
"I don't want to," she announced.
"Beth, it's very late," Quinn said, trying to reason with the four year old.
"But I don't have my pajamas," Beth countered, looking very pleased with herself for coming up with what she obviously felt was a water-tight argument.
Quinn racked her brains for a moment and smiled as she thought of a solution. She crossed to the closet and rummaged for a few moments before pulling out a pink t-shirt emblazoned with the glittery purple legend princess. Santana had bought it for her during their trip to San Antonio the previous spring break. It was almost obscenely tight on Quinn's slender frame (which was Santana's primary motivation for buying it) and Quinn had never worn it outside the house. It would be huge on Beth but it was pink and glittery and the little girl's face lit up when she saw it.
"This is my special shirt," Quinn told her seriously. "I wouldn't let just anyone wear it, but I might just let you wear it, if only..." She trailed off and sighed.
"If only what?" Beth bounced impatiently on her heels.
"Well, you're all sticky from the syrup," Quinn told her with a little shrug. "I don't want my special shirt to get sticky. Now if you were clean..."
Quinn and Santana watched as Beth weighed up her options. "Okay," she said with an affected sigh. "I guess I can have a bath."
Once Beth was splashing around in the hot soapy water, it was another challenge to get her out of the tub. Whilst Quinn supervised her, Santana downloaded a couple of children's books onto Quinn's iPad to read to Beth.
Eventually, Beth was cuddled up sleepily under the blankets while Santana sat on the floor and read to her. Quinn was finally able to escape into the bathroom on her own. She stripped off her clothes quickly, desperate to rid herself of the antiseptic hospital smell, and stepped under the steaming jets of the shower. The water felt good on her aching muscles. The spray from the shower formed a cocoon around Quinn, shutting her off from all external stimuli, and she closed her eyes, desperately praying to God for the strength to get through the next few days and asking Him to look after Shelby. Her eyes stung with unshed tears but she blinked them back. She had to be strong now, for Beth.
Despite her resolve, it took every last ounce of Quinn's willpower to make herself turn off the shower and put on her pajamas. She barely even looked at the clothing she picked out - a long sleeved pink top and grey shorts patterned with little black hearts. She dried her hair quickly and cleaned her teeth before taking a deep breath and heading back out into the living area.
The apartment was mostly dark except for a small nightlight Santana had put out for Beth incase she woke up during the night, and the lamp on Santana's nightstand, illuminating her fiancée as she lay in bed with her eyes closed and her brow furrowed. Quinn padded softly over to the couch and gazed at the sleeping child, reaching out a hand to smooth her blonde curls that fell haphazardly across her forehead. She seemed so innocent and it broke Quinn's heart to look at her and know that the little girl's world was soon to irreparably shatter.
"Q?" Santana's soft voice snapped her out of her reprieve. She hadn't heard Santana get up but she stood beside her now, a gentle hand on her arm. "Come to bed."
Quinn allowed Santana to tug her away from Beth and she obediently climbed into bed and settled next to her fiancée. Santana switched off her lamp and the apartment was plunged into near darkness.
"Thank you for today," whispered Quinn as she moulded her body to Santana's and relaxed into her warm embrace. "I couldn't have made it through without you. I love you." She tilted her head back to capture Santana's lips in a tender kiss. All her fear, worry, sadness and frustration seemed to melt away as Santana's tongue stroked over her lower lip, requesting access that Quinn freely gave. "I need to feel you," Quinn mumbled desperately into Santana's mouth, tugging at the hem of Santana's shirt. Willingly, Santana stripped out of her shirt and helped Quinn to remove hers. They didn't go any further with Beth just feet away, slumbering peacefully, but Quinn needed to feel Santana's soft, satin skin against her own. They continued to share innocent, comforting kisses, losing themselves in each other until Quinn tasted salt water on her lips and Santana broke the kiss to bring her fingers to Quinn's cheek.
"Ssh, baby, it's okay," murmured Santana and for a moment Quinn was surprised, until she realized that the salt water was from silent tears streaming from her eyes. "It's okay to let it out," Santana told her but Quinn shook her head brokenly.
"No, Beth needs me to be strong," she insisted, even as the torrent of emotions she'd been holding back all day threatened to overwhelm her.
"You are strong, sweetie," Santana said, wiping away the tears with her fingertips. "You're the strongest woman I've ever known, and you'll - we'll - get through this. But you need to let yourself feel. Please?" She rained kisses over Quinn's damp face - her cheeks, her eyelids, her lips - as Quinn began to tremble in her arms. The barrier finally broke and the girls cried in each other's arms until finally, exhausted, they fell asleep.
Quinn was rudely awoken what seemed like moments later, by the mattress quaking and a loud, insistent voice calling her name. She opened a cautious eye and noticed weak early morning sunshine streaming through the gap in the curtains.
"Quinn! Santana! Wake up!" Beth instructed imperiously. "It's daytime." Quinn groaned and stretched, forcing her still-tired eyes to open and take in the sight of the animated four year old with a wild, tangled mass of blonde curls who was jumping up and down on the bed. "Why aren't you wearing a top?" Beth asked nonchalantly, continuing to bounce rhythmically. Then, as Quinn hurriedly located her shirt under the blankets, she added, "When can I see Mommy?"
"Ssh, Beth, you'll wake Santana," Quinn chastised softly. There was a muffled groan from the pillow next to her.
"Too late," Santana grumbled as Quinn surreptitiously pressed Santana's shirt into her hands under the blanket before Beth could notice her state of undress as well.
Beth was looking at her expectantly as she bounced, waiting for an answer that Quinn really didn't want to give her. She had hoped to at least get coffee and breakfast inside of her before having the dreaded conversation, but it didn't look like she was going to get the chance. Throwing back the covers, Quinn swung her legs out of bed and stood up stiffly.
"Come sit on the couch with me," Quinn said gently, catching the bouncing four year old by the hand. "I need to have a little talk with you."
"Okay." Beth was agreeable and curious. Quinn settled her on the couch and Santana was quick to join them, sitting on the arm of the sofa and wrapping a supportive arm around Quinn's torso. Quinn took the little girl's tiny, somewhat sticky hand in hers.
"Beth, you know that your mommy was pretty sick when we saw her yesterday in the hospital right?" Quinn began hesitantly. Beth nodded.
"Because she had a accident," she said. Quinn's stomach clenched when Beth used 'a' instead of 'an' - she was still just a baby and Quinn hated the unfairness of the situation so much that she wanted to scream.
"Yes, and when people are sick, doctors try to make them better," Quinn continued, glancing at Santana for guidance. The brunette gave her a reassuring smile and held her more tightly. "But sometimes, people are too sick for the doctors to make them better." Beth was beginning to look worried now but she continued to sit quietly and listen. "Your mommy was too sick for the doctors to make her better," Quinn said, trying to keep her voice from wavering. "When someone is really sick, and they can't get better, they go to Heaven, and then they don't hurt any more."
"Can I go there and see Mommy?" Beth asked in a tiny voice, as though she already knew the answer.
Despite her best efforts, tears filled Quinn's eyes as she answered. "No, baby, Heaven is a place we can't visit."
"Well, when's she coming back?" Beth looked scared now, her hazel eyes wide and panicked.
"People don't come back from Heaven," Quinn explained, tears flowing freely down her cheeks now. "When you go to Heaven it's called dying, and it's forever."
Beth shook her head vehemently. "No! I want to see my mommy! Where's my mommy?" She started to cry, inelegant, desperate sobs. "Take me to my mommy!"
"I can't, honey," Quinn admitted brokenly.
Without warning, Beth leapt up from the couch and ran to the apartment door, banging on it with small, ineffectual fists.
"I want my mommy!" she yelled. Quinn reached her seconds later and pulled her tiny, trembling form into a tight embrace. For several seconds, Beth continued to struggle and scream in Quinn's arms, until suddenly the fight seemed to go out of her and she went limp, clinging to Quinn so hard that she could feel her flesh bruise under the little girl's fingers. "But who's going to look after me?" she asked in a barely audible voice.
"I will," Quinn promised her emphatically. "I've got you, and I'm never going to let you go."
Santana shot Quinn a horrified expression, and Quinn knew that her fiancée was worried that she was making promises that she wouldn't be able to keep, but Quinn couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. In that moment, she would have offered Beth the moon if she thought it would bring her even an ounce of comfort.