EREN

I've never been a fan of any autumn. I'd have summer all the time and I'd skip whatever involves cold and windy weather. I think it's worse this time around. I think. I feel like Christmas is coming too soon... and it reminds me of Levi. I feel like the New Year is coming too soon as well... and it reminds me I'm turning eighteen next year which means I'll be on my own; no more foster family with Hannes and his wife. Yeah, this time it really feels like the worst time of the year. I feel like the temperature is colder than usual. I feel like the snow in Mikasa's hair is too soon for November, but it really is there. It's white in her black hair and it shines in the light before it melts. And, even though it doesn't have anything to do with him; I think of Levi's silky hair between my fingers when I brush some snow off Mikasa's head.

Months ago, when she invited me with everyone to her place, I never thought I'd get close to her. I knew she wanted it... and she probably still wishes it could happen. She's always close to me. She's always sitting closer than anyone else does. She's always touching me when she doesn't necessarily need to. She lets me play hide and seek with her mother because I don't want Petra to see me ever again, even if I'm just hanging out with her daughter. She's always there... and slowly, she became part of my life again just as much as Armin. I'm just glad there is still a little part of the Mikasa I know in her even though she doesn't remember everything and she doesn't need to. She's fine as she is. She's a little bit young and it irritates me to no end when everyone suggests stuff happening between us, because it feels like she's still my sister... To me, at least, she still is something like a sister. If they even bothered listening, they would know right away that this isn't about something between Mikasa and me. Just a little bit of eavesdropping would have let them hear the first thing she ever says to me when we're alone... Like now, with close to five more minutes before her Mother comes to pick her up.

"He is doing well."

It's about Levi... and I simply hum in response. Between Mikasa and me, even though she doesn't exactly want it at first, there's always Levi. Our connection is Levi. I care and I want to know, but I don't want to let it show. I don't want her to tell him. I don't want him to know I miss going to his place, talking to him, looking at him and knowing he's looking at me... I miss being with him and I don't know how I feel about myself when she says he's doing well. Whatever it is, I feel like I'm not a good person. Whatever it is, even after all these weeks, I still want him to miss me, I still want him to be sad, I still want him to feel like it wasn't the right thing to do... and yet, I want him to be happy. It makes me feel like the bad guy. It makes me feel like I'm not even a good person for him in the first place.

"What about his job? Did he get a new one?"

Yeah, because that was the first thing Mikasa told me about a week ago when we met: Levi left his job! Before that, Mikasa only said Levi was worried about something and didn't sleep... and I wanted to be there for him, but I couldn't. Not anymore.

"I don't know much, if he's progressing at finding a new job, but he cleaned the whole library... again. That's the first thing he did on his day off." She laughs a little at that, and there's a little smile on her lips. A warm one. I can see it all in my head too and I smile at her words, because I know how he is. I know. I remember. "And now, he reads. He started to read a lot of fantasy novels lately actually..."

"Eh?" This actually surprises me. I never took him for a fantasy reader to be honest. He seems way too down to earth for that, but I guess not.

"Yeah, like... A lot."

...and my smile gets wider,

...and it hurts more as it grows wider because life goes on for him. Life fucking goes on.

"What was Levi's job, anyway? Was it really that stressful or what?" Yeah. That's right, Eren. Switch the subject to something else, something easier where you can keep your cool a lot more easily. It would have been even better if the subject was simply NOT related to Levi, but I guess that was out of my reach given the current situation and how I was simply thinking of Levi in general. L. E. V. I. Everywhere in my head. From side to side. From ceiling to floor. Just Levi. His books. His behavior. His habits. The way he holds his books and turns the page with his long and bony fingers. Just him.

"I'm not sure actually..." She starts and I can feel her mind wander as she tries to remember her own dad's job. It's silly. I might not know my real dad's job, but even I know my foster father's job, Hannes is a policeman. Did Levi change jobs too often or what? Did he even go to School? I don't even know. I just... I keep walking and I try to think about something else; but in reality, I know nothing about Levi. That's the only thing in my mind right now, like a Mantra.

"I should ask my Mom."

...but that doesn't mean anything for me and I walk faster toward the bus stop where I always part ways with her. Not that I have anywhere to go, though. This is actually where I take the bus I need to take to go to Armin's place, but I am not letting Petra see me. I am not even letting Mikasa tell her anything about me. Petra thinks her daughter went to see Sasha.

"She should be here any moment."

"Yeah... "

"Yeah." She repeats, but it's more confident than mine.

"I'm off."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm fine."

"Don't abuse the alcohol." She finally says and I know she's half-joking... because I am indeed going to drink my ass off and I tend to abuse, that's right. I didn't smoke weed again. It wasn't hard to quit smoking weed because I wasn't addicted to it. I also did it because I wanted Levi to acknowledge me. Without Levi and in the current circumstance, I don't think it's a good idea for me to smoke anything at all... I really don't think it would take me much to grow fond of doing it all the time. For some reason, I tell myself drinking is fine. That's probably just me though.

"Yeah... I won't."

It's a lie and we both know it, but I say it anyway before walking away from the corner of the street where Petra comes to pick Mikasa up in her blue little Ford Focus. She's small. She's pretty. She's just like before. She's like the girl in my memories. She seems like a nice person and I know she is, but I can't deal with this her. I want to hate her, but I can't... and it pisses me off.

-x-

So, yeah, while they are in the living room thinking Mikasa and I are having some sort of relationship, my lips are definitely not on her behind the bathroom door. I'm closing my eyes and I might be thinking of Levi's lips... just a little. Connie, Sasha, Jean and Marco; they think I went to see Mikasa because there's something between us. They're wrong. There's nothing between us except Levi. It's frustrating to get nothing of Levi except what she tells me... and I'm not stupid enough not to see the comfort I could get from Armin. It is perfect; He doesn't want to talk about Levi and I don't want to think about Levi... It works for the both of us.

Because as much as I wish Levi was with me, it's not. It's not his thin lips parting to speak. It's not his white neck under my lips. It's not his silky hair between my fingers with his short undercut against my fingertips. It's not his sultry voice caressing my core... and putting me at ease. It's Armin's voice in my ears and that's one thing I can't change. I can't make myself believe, that I'm drowning in Levi. It's not even his scent.

Caught under me, against the bathroom door, Armin Arlet takes a sharp inhale... but I'm done.

-x-

And I kind of need the alcohol sometimes.

-x-

"I never have ever had a girlfriend!"

At the table, Jean and Connie both play the game and drink from their drinks. It was Connie's idea to play the game at first... It started with something like; LET'S PLAY A DRINKING GAME! And he is actually really into it, like he's actually trying to get everyone drunk. He's giving his all... and Jean is onto something too. He looks at me just holding my drink like he's trying to see if I'm lying or not, but I'm not. I know the rules of this game. It's simple; One player calls something out using the formula "I never have ever..." Every player drinks from their glass if they did it. Simple, I told you.

This, just now, was Jean's turn. Next is... Connie.

"I never have ever kissed a boy!" He shouts all pumped up to see us all drink; Jean, Marco, Armin and me.

My turn. "Hum... I never have ever...Ok! I never have ever driven a car."

And Armin drinks.

And it goes on... and on with stuff like : I never have ever had a crush on a guy older than me. I never have ever had a BigMac. That's until we get back to Jean and his shitty statements about girls, for some reason. I kind of expect something silly and, of course, he's looking straight at me when he says: "I never have ever kissed a girl."

To which I do not drink.

"Hey, Eren. Do I need to refresh the rules of this game for you?"

"No... "

"Then Drink."

"I think you need me to refresh the rules for you... I never kissed a girl."

"Does Mikasa not count as a girl?"

"Fuck off, Jean!"

And, here, Marco tries to intervene. He really tries. He raises his voice as much as he can. He calls Jean's name like a warning, but all I hear is Armin's voice above his. "Jean— " isn't having any of it.

"The old man wasn't enough; you wanted the little girl too, uh?"

Again, I hear the warning in the same way Levi warned me when I took things too far. I remember when I didn't listen and when he didn't push me back... I remember how the warning was meaningless. Totally meaningless.

Jean will never listen and I will never calm the fuck down now. It just flows out of me... out of control. Drunk or not, I will not tolerate this.

"You better watch your fucking mouth before I punch you right in it, Jean!"

"Whatever, Eren."

"That's right, Jean. Whatever! That's fucking right because you can't possibly understand!... YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND LEVI AND ME, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE MIKASA OUT OF IT!"

There's an awkward pause where they all look at each other like I'm actually the embarrassing one here... No. Just No. He is. Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me when I'm becoming emotional like that. I hate it.

Connie breaks the silence. For once, he tries to be calm and appeasing when he says: "Calm down, Eren. Jean is an asshole, it's nothing new."

I know he doesn't mean any harm, but... "Leave."

"What?"

That's right. I wasn't loud enough for you, Jean. For you neither, Marco. I am too fucking drunk and out of it to go home, but you... "You are leaving. Get out. Now."

"This isn't your place, Eren!"

I'm just glad Armin takes my side. This time, I don't even question it. I just take it. I take everything. I kick them out and I'm either too drunk or too frustrated to care when the argument we have turns into some meaningless sex where I don't even know if I made sure to keep my voice from forming the name Levi. It doesn't matter. It might be both names. I'm way past caring about that anyway... I'm too drunk. But judging from the way Armin puts me to bed somewhere after that and sleeps next to me, I guess I didn't say it. I guess I held it in.

I don't even remember falling asleep... I'm a very bad fuck.

-x-

...But it doesn't matter, because it's not Levi.

-x-

"I want to talk about Levi..." I mumble in the pillow. I'm wide awake. I wish I could fall asleep. There are some nights where I'm too wasted to wake up until the morning. Then, there are mornings where I can't remember anything because I was too drunk. It helps... a little. Not much. I wake up naked with Armin and I know what happened, but I don't remember. This is not one of those times. It's one of those where I can't even fall asleep and stop thinking about how Levi would have done it. It's one where I think of him; when we do it and after we do it. Just him.

It's one of the times where I wish I was stronger... to move on without feeling like I need to get someone else to fill the void. And let me tell you; it's not filling anything beside my anus. That's exactly what's up.

"About him?... or to him?"

"I can't really talk to him. He never picked up his damn phone or answered the door when it was me on the other side... so, just about him."

I hear Armin groan and I feel him move at the other side of the bed more than I see him. The room is dark. The curtains are wide open, but the sky is black. I don't even know where to start. I don't even know why I want to talk about him. Is there anything I need to say? Yes. There is so much. So much I want to say and then to learn about Levi.

I hear him groan. I hear him roll onto his stomach. I hear him sigh, but I hear a clear: "Fine."

"He had to get away from this job."

"What...but, why?"

I don't know how long it's been since we started this one sided conversation of me talking to the ceiling... and receiving hums in response from Armin. This is the longest thing he's said so far about all my rambling. I just started to go on about his job and... Once again, I feel like I know nothing. Again. And Again.

"Levi wants to protect the past and..." He continues, but he pauses right there and my eyes are on his lips waiting for the next word because I expect the next word to be Eren. He lays on the opposite side of the bed, still unmoving; far away. Like he's not actually part of the conversation, he's just there. Like he doesn't care, he's just listening and it doesn't reach him. Or that's just what he wants. And, he cuts short his sentence just like that... while my heart flutters because I actually wanted it to be Eren so badly. I wanted Levi to feel like he wanted to protect me. "The company he was working for, they want to know about the past using people's DNA. They want to know about the Titans. They want to know about the shifters. They want to know about Eren... so, Levi protects you both."

Both; The past Eren and the present one.

"Why does it matter? It's not like I need protection... This isn't like back then!"

"I'm just saying it's dangerous."

"Dangerous!? This is silly! This world is incredibly safer than the last. It's not like there are any Titan in this world either!"

And then, finally, he raises his head to look at me; getting immersed in the conversation, for once... and is incredibly serious when he says: "What if there were?"

"There were what?"

"Titans."

"There are no Titans, Armin."

"Eren, if they learn how... They will."

"How could they... "

"From you. With their machine, they can learn the truth... from you."

I don't understand. I really don't; why does it matter? We've done this before. I've done this before. I fought Titans. It doesn't matter if it's this world or the last one. We'd still join our strengths and wipe them off the face of the earth, it's not complicated. With all the armed power this world has, there's no way I wouldn't be able to kill them all. No way. I'll kill them all anyway!

So, I answer with the only possible answer: "And I will still fight..."

Pause. With everyone. No. "With Levi..." Too.

He sighs. It's loud. It's exasperated. It's close to desperate. He falls back in the pillows and under the comfort of the duvet... And then, when he finally speaks, when he finally raises his voice; it makes me shiver because it's the loudest and the saddest I've ever heard from Armin: "Why do you always have to be like this...!"

"What do you mean...? Like what?"

"Why is it always about, Levi!?" And then, finally, it hits me... and I know I'm going to hurt Armin anyway, but I still say it before I leave the bed: "Because I really, really love Levi."

I don't say how sorry I am, because I'm not. I can't apologize for loving Levi. I just can't.

-x-

Walking in the middle of the night, in the middle of Montreal, doesn't seem like such a good idea when I find myself alone on the street. This probably wasn't wise. I get self-conscious and I look around nervously like I'm going to be followed by some Men in Black coming to kidnap me and bring me to their lab to make Titans.

I walk faster.

I wait for the street light to turn green... and I'm almost running across the street, but I'm still far. So far. Too far. I want to call Levi. I want to tell him something... anything. I want to run to his door. To scream at him. It's too late. Buses stopped a little past midnight. It's three in the morning now. It's too late. It's too early.

And I'm too far from home.

Again, I arrive at a crossroads and I take a look at my phone... at Levi's name on the screen... at his little picture in the corner. My vision is a little blurry and I'm a little slow. I'm still a bit dizzy from the alcohol. To be honest, it's 100% my fault, but when I hear the tires on the street... I blame them for not seeing me earlier. I turn my head and I know I should get out of there, but I can't. Blame me. Blame the driver. Blame the alcohol. I don't have time for this. My legs don't move and he's too fast. I'm too slow. There is light, blinding light and then, when the car hits me...

Its pitch black.