Author's Note: This started out very differently than it turned out. I'm still not sure if that's good or bad.

I don't own Mass Effect; I'm just playing with Bioware's pretty toys.

Kaidan sat up in his bed and read the files. He would have tossed everything in his stomach after seeing the pictures that accompanied the first entry (of course, it took a while before they actually got any better, but the first ones had been a shock), but he hadn't eaten anything recently. All he could do was read the log in stunned silence- nausea was a side-effect.

The pictures had been bad- beyond anything he could have ever imagined-, but the way that the logs read was just as bad. The person in charge wrote as though it wasn't a person- wasn't Shepard- lying on the slab. The person she was operating on might as well have been a surgery dummy.

Reading and seeing what had happened to Shepard was hard. At first, he was angry with her. How dare she give him something like this- how could she be so sick? Then, after a while (about the time the logs started reading six months since acquisition of Shepard), he understood. He had questioned if she had been dead or not- as though it was her idea to jump into bed with Cerberus. This proved that she hadn't gone willingly (or knowingly, for that matter) to them.

He wondered if she had even read the files.

He hoped not.

Her skin had been charred, as were her internal organs. There had been parts of her skin that remained intact, but not enough (Then again, he thought, anything short of completely intact wasn't enough.). One of the sections of her original self that remained was a small section behind her right ear. The picture showed that the small tattoo was there. He wondered if it had survived the complete reconstruction.

There was a memory related to the discovery of that tattoo, but he was afraid to focus too hard on it. That had been a very intimate moment between them- the first and one of the few. He pushed back the memory as hard as he could. He wasn't ready to revisit that particular one yet.

Maybe later.

"Major," a voice had him yanking his face away from his omni-tool. "If that's what is keeping your heart rate elevated, perhaps you should put it up for a while."

Kaidan looked up at her with haunted eyes before giving a shaky smile. "You're probably right."

Doctor Michel picked up a remote and turned on the news. "Well, this isn't much better, but it should still keep your heart-rate down a little."

"Yeah, you're probably-"

"-true that Commander Shepard is here?" a news caster asked a Turian.

"Sure is. Her, another human, and an Asari unloaded from a shuttle like they were going to stop the entire war right here," he explained. "But, Commander Shepard looked like she could do it alone- and, Spirits, let me tell you, I believe it."

"What do you mean by that, General?"

The Turian looked straight into the camera with an expression that was equal parts awe and disbelief. "She ran out of heat sinks at one point. Any other soldier would have stayed behind cover or hunted for back up clips, but she didn't. She jumped out of cover, bounded over fallen enemies, and shoved her omni-blade through one of the Reaper drones- what we all call a Cannibal."

"You sound impressed."

"And rightfully so. She dances with danger and comes out in the lead. It's truly something to witness."

The camera panned back to the caster. "Well, there you have it, folks. Commander Shepard is out risking her life to give us another day. Until next time, this is Hayden Forbes with ANN."

Kaidan and the doctor hadn't been able to take their eyes off the pictures on the screen. "Doc, you have to get me out of this bed," he said, sounding strangled.

Doctor Michel turned to him with wide eyes and nodded in understanding. "I can only do so much, Major. The body is a delicate-"

His jaw snapped shut as the vid continued to show the fallen bodies on Menae- both Reaper drones and Turians alike. "Get me functional enough to hold a damn gun and use my biotics. Beyond that, I don't care."

"Temper, temper," a delicate, soprano voice scolded playfully as the owner walked into the room. "You can't just tell your brain and body that you have a duty and to get better. Time is one of the medicines you have to suffer through, Kaidan."

It took every iota of control he had not to lash out biotically at her. Instead, he clenched his jaw tightly and took a deep breath before he trusted himself enough to speak. "I don't have time, Adria," he said as evenly as he could, though he could still hear the undercurrent of anger. "We are in a state of galactic war. I have a duty- to the Alliance, to the Galaxy, and to Shep...and to Earth. I need out of this bed."

Adria studied him in surprise before looking up at the images still being shown. "Is that where she is- your Commander?"

Kaidan struggled to take deep breaths- again fighting the urge to lash out (he could hear the jealousy in her voice). "Let that go, Adria. It has nothing to do with Shepard and everything to do with my duty."

Maybe if he said it enough times out loud, it would be true.

As it was, neither doctors looked convinced.

Adria busied herself with looking over his charts as Doctor Michel hurried out of the room. "In my opinion, you should move past her. And, if you won't be with me, you should, at least, consider Commander Lia."

"I don't even know who that is, Adria," he said tiredly, looking for the remote so he could turn off the continual coverage of Menae and, apparently, his Commander.

He only wished.

Adria looked at him thoughtfully. "She looked familiar- probably been on a news vid or something. She's probably about my height, tan skin-"

"Adria!" Kaidan snapped. He took another deep breath. He had always (well, after BAaT, anyway) prided himself on being calm and...even-tempered, but he found himself wishing- more and more, honestly- that he could go on a bender and lash out.

What he wouldn't give to be a Krogan.

He lowered his voice to a more acceptable range and managed a some-what apologetic smile. "Sorry." He took her hands in his own and managed not (okay, not really) to compare them to Shepard's. "This has nothing to do with Commander Shepard or you- or any woman for that matter-, Adria. I cannot be stuck here while there is a war going on. I need to get on my feet and out on the front lines- whether that's with Commander Shepard or not, it's where I need to be."

He ran his thumb over-top her hands and sighed. Adria had the hands of a civilian- clean and soft with perfectly manicured fingers. She probably put lotion on before and after her shift- not to mention as soon as she got up and before she went to bed.

Shepard, though, her hands were different- and god how he loved them for that. They didn't seem so damn breakable and perfect- he had never worried about getting any gunpowder that he hadn't gotten quite off on his hands. Actually, she was more likely to share the residue. She lived the life of a marine and never tried to act like she didn't.

Shepard sat at the desk in her quarters, scanning the reports about the colonies that had gone dark. Everyone aboard the Normandy knew damn well that it wasn't the Geth, but they were still trying to make up for stealing the Normandy, so they went where the Brass sent them.

Kaidan stood in the doorway for a good five minutes, just watching her. She hadn't brushed her hair after her shower, so it was drying into red spikes. Kaidan loved her for her no-fuss beauty. She rarely put on make-up unless they were going to the Citadel or getting a scheduled vidcon with the Brass (usually Hackett).

"You've read those things at least twenty times, Shep," he pointed out dryly, walking fully into the room.

She had jumped at the sound of his voice, before looking up and him and chuckling. "Well, I've worked out, cleaned all my guns- three times-, showered, and this was all that was left."

"Three times?" Kaidan laughed, taking one of her hands in his and pulling her into an embrace.

She raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Every time I finished, I was unimpressed with my work." She wiggled a little against him. "And you know what they say, third time's the charm."

Kaidan chuckled and wrapped his free arm around her waist, leaving her to rest her other hand on his cheek. "Hey, the first time can be amazing too." She kissed him lightly on the lips before taking a step back.

Her snicker alerted him to the fact that something was wrong.

"Shepard," he drawled out her name in a warning- as though he was really going to do anything.

Biting her top lip to keep a full smile from appearing, she shook her head. "Nothing, Kaidan, I promise!"

Still, her snickering and smiles didn't help.

He knew that she could have done something to him and kept a complete straight face and lied to him. He wasn't stupid or unobservant- he had watched her do it plenty of times on missions to others. No, this was a side of her that not many had ever seen.

This was her being playful.

Sighing, Kaidan walked into her private head and stared dumbly into the mirror. She had smeared some kind of oil (and he was guessing oil from the Mako) down the right-hand side of his face. He walked out and raised an eyebrow.

"Mako?"

She fought hard against the smile, but lost. She nodded.

Kaidan stood in the doorway to the head for a minute, his face expressionless. He wanted to see her sweat a little. As her expression changed to uncertain, he walked slowly towards her- keeping his expression trained. "You think this is funny, Commander?" he demanded, keeping all traces of humor out of his voice.

She looked up at him, eyes wide and uncertain, the beginnings of an apology on her lips.

He took her shoulders in his hands and stared at her. Her lips slowly closed as she tried to figure out how to remedy the situation. He leaned down until his lips were near her ear and whispered, "Because I do," before wiping his cheek down hers.

Laughing, Shepard hugged him before taking her hand and wiping it across his forehead- which left him no other choice than to take control (okay, she probably let him- for someone smaller than him, she packed a hell of a punch and a strength to out-match most marines) of her hand and wipe it down the center of her own face.

Of course, the entire "battle" ended with them both in the shower together, and, eventually in bed.

Releasing Adria's hands, he ran his own through his hair and sighed again. "I don't care what you need to do; I need to be on my feet."

Adria gave him a sad look. "We can only do so much, Kaidan- the rest is up to time," she said as she left the room.

Opening his omni-tool again, he hesitated before continuing reading about the Lazarus Project (it was easier than thinking, The Reconstruction of my former lover, Commander Shepard). Instead, he pulled open his messages and entered her address into a blank email.

Shepard,

...

A/N: I was really planning on going back to Shepard, but, apparently, Kaidan had a little more to say. It really did start out as Shepard, but, by the time she launched herself out of cover to omni-blade a Cannibal, all I could think of was Kaidan's reaction. I will be going back to Shepard in the next chapter.

That little flashback was kind of spur of the moment, too. Just a playful side of Shepard (she can't be stoic and all-business all the time).

Comments and criticisms are always welcome!