EREN

I can't really explain why I'm scared, but I am. It's just a feeling in my gut. I don't feel much pain... but I'm shaking. I freak out when I hear a siren a little bit too close. They're searching, searching for a body. They must be thinking I collapsed somewhere. I should have. I can still see the blinding light in my eyes. I can still feel the coldness of the vehicle against my skin; tearing it apart. I remember the pain of its bite. Once again, I feel myself threading into that same pattern and I try to think about the phone call I made. I try to think of the person that is actually coming to pick me up... but it's blurry. I can't remember the voice and the words. I open my eyes... There's nothing blinding me here. It's dark. My eyes are heavy. I'm sleepy. I might be daydreaming. I shouldn't fall asleep. Not here. Not now.

I blink... No. Open your eyes. I hear footsteps. I am not blinking. I am closing my eyes. Open your eyes, Eren. Do it!

And I do it.

Small feet. Small person. An open coat with a scarf loosely wrapped around a neck. Hair. Or is it a beanie? I can't see the colors. It's too dark. I'm having a really hard time staying awake and fully aware of my surroundings. He calls my name and...

I do not love him, but he's here… and you're not.

You are not. He is. It's like a mantra I tell myself. It's like an excuse; the perfect excuse. Why am I letting myself use Armin and rely on Armin? Because Armin is here. Because he is a better guy for me. I don't need anyone to say it out loud. I know already. It's obvious. He can be everything I need and yet, I won't be able to want him as much as I want you. It's just how it is.

"You look like shit, brat." He says and I smile, and I laugh dryly, and I cry in the middle of laughing... because I'm breaking down. He's here. Just this once, he's right there. He came for me and I can't even begin to describe the feeling going through me when he kneels by my side and slides his arm under mine. "Come on, we need to get you out of here."

Ah, Levi. I love you. So much. You, just you.

-x-

I barely remember the walk to the car. I remember how he told me to stand as straight as possible, but my legs were weak and I could still remember how they were bent in an impossible position just minutes ago. I remember the steady sound of the heater. I remember the music on the radio. I remember the lyrics and I finally fell asleep to the tune, in the warm car... Next to Levi.

A flock of birds
Hovering above
Just a flock of birds
That's how you think of love

And it goes on, and on... even when I barely realize I'm leaving the comfort of the car to get in the apartment. Levi holds most of my weight and it is weird to be half-asleep and leaning on someone a lot shorter than myself, but I'm not aware enough to care.

One minute they arrive,
Next you know they're gone
They fly on
Fly on

I don't even notice when he removes my clothes, but I know he's gentle when he does it. I barely register anything until there's warm water on my skin. Everywhere. I feel like I'm suddenly brought back to life... and I register so much in an instant. I'm naked. I'm in a bath. There's a warm and wet cloth cleaning my skin and there's the hand holding it... with grey eyes looking at their works. At me. I close my eyes. I open them again and he's still there, concentrated on washing me clean. No more blood. No more remains of what happened tonight.

So fly on
Ride through
Maybe one day I'll fly next to you

And then, at last, when I finally feel like I'm awake and the song stops playing in my head, I'm back into my safe haven... I'm back in a room I know too well. I'm back into a bed that smells like him. I'm back on my spot. I'm back on my side of Levi's bed like I never left it and... I'm holding the hand of the most important person between mine; Levi. It's sweaty. It's hot. It's moist. Hell, it's probably bothering him, but he's still there. He came for me. He brought me home. Safe. He made a bath for me. He washed me of all the blood and the dirt I got from all my crawling in the alleys. Clean. Fresh. He carried me to the bed and slept here, next to me.

I feel it all come back to me in an instant. I'm not just talking about the car accident and my healing. Him. Just him being here for me. Still here for me. I thought I'd never see him again. I thought we'd never meet again. Fuck. I'm so happy, so fucking happy. When I raise my hand, when I touch his face... I'm cautious, like I'm scared he'll vanish. I find myself crying like a fucking baby again. Crying. And smiling. It starts with just a touch at the shoulder peeking out of a shirt too big for him. The skin is warm and soft. He doesn't vanish. He's really here. Then, I just caress his silky hair. I tell myself it's just a pat, but then... I just find my hand cupping his face and my thumb gently tracing circles on his cheek. It started with just a touch, I swear, I didn't mean to, but... Yeah. I guess I'm just tracing circles all over the accessible skin now. Neck. Collarbone.

Until I hear a very awakened voice.

"Are you done?"

Instantly, my eyes meet his; wide open and staring at me openly. I want to say Sorry. I open my mouth and I start to shape the sound, but I stop before I even let it out. No. It's no use. I'm sure he's been aware of my mischief for a while now. He was awake... or I woke him up.

"...Y-Yes!"

I probably did... for that, I am sorry.

"You were crying back there too." He starts slowly... cautious. "Are you in pain?"

"No... I'm glad."

"That's fucked up." He sighs, lets go of my hand and rolls away from me in the bed, but I know he understands. He sits up and leaves the bed before I manage to get a hold on his hand again. I want to follow. I try, but I find myself being too weak to follow. I groan in rage. I hate it. It's frustrating. I healed, but I'm still sore.

And so damn tired...

I hear some kind of dry laugh slipping between his lips... and then, just then, he leans forward to kiss my forehead. He hesitated. I felt it, more than I saw it. I just felt it there. It was a small pause in flow of his movement and it became a bit awkward, but I smiled and I fell asleep seeing his back walking out of the room.

-x-

When I wake up again, I just know it's the middle of the day before I even open my eyes. I feel like the whole building is awake. I hear the couple in the next apartment. I hear them talk like a background buzzing. Sometimes, I hear their laughs. Closer, I hear the presence of people in the apartment. At first, I think it's just Levi, but as I get closer to the door... I hear another voice.

"I swear, Levi, I didn't know about that."

Oh, I know that voice. I don't even need to turn the corner to see who's in the kitchen. I know this voice too well and I'm not really sure how I should feel when I see him in the same room as Levi... Fuck! Right there, with Levi, is...

"Armin."

The first thing I notice, when I voice the word, is Levi's grey eyes finding mine instantly, but his whole face staying inexpressive as ever. Does he know? No. Armin didn't tell him? And my eyes shift to Armin just when he decides to move toward me with a worried expression.

"Eren! Are you alright?"

...I turn to Levi again and he nods before walking away like he knows I'm silently asking if he told Armin about the accident. Yes. He told Armin about it. No, he probably doesn't know about the relationship I had with Armin. Not that I thought Levi would give me a chance again or anything... well, yeah, maybe, but still!

"I'm fine..."

He turns his back on us while Armin hugs me tightly in his arms... and I find myself self-conscious and trying to keep Armin's hug as short as possible to make sure Levi doesn't see anything else in it than a comforting hug. Just to be sure. Just in case.

I guess nothing ever goes according to plan, because Armin totally opens his big fucking mouth and says:

"I woke up and you were gone!"

Oh... Oh... Instantly, I take a look at Levi... at his back, at the way he stops moving for an instant, at his muscles tensing, at his hold tightening around the teapot, but he doesn't let it show anymore than that. I want to tell him it's not what he thinks this sounds like... It wasn't the same and Armin should shut the fuck up, seriously! Why is he here anyway?

"Y-Yeah... well, I just felt like I needed fresh air."

Again, I look at Levi... like I need help, but he doesn't help. Or, actually, does he? He hands me a mug full of a light brown liquid. He says it's hot... It sure seems like it's burning hot from the vapor coming out of it. I bring it to my nose, to smell it, there's a sweet aroma and I bet he added sugar to suit my taste... and it works. It makes me smile and it makes the perfect distraction to evade this conversation with Armin.

"To help you feel a little bit better."

...or not.

I'm telling you. The way he looks at me is nowhere near as affectionate as the way I look at him over my mug of tea.

When I woke up this morning, I was actually happy to find myself back in his apartment. I cried, fuck. I was so glad... and now, this. Let's be honest, this isn't what I had in mind at all for our reunion.

And so, that's how it goes; Levi and Armin are talking about me like parents talking about their child... as if I'm not even there. I am there. I'm sleepy, but I'm right there on the sofa drinking my cup of tea. It's bittersweet, but Levi insists that it'll help with all the sore muscles making me cringe when I move. They're not arguing, but I can tell Levi isn't exactly happy to be talking to Armin. I can't tell if he made Armin come here or not anymore. I thought he did, he kept asking questions about me...

"How did he heal?"

"How do you explain this?"

"This isn't making any sense!" That, he said that a lot.

He didn't seem to believe Armin when he said he didn't have a single clue. To be honest, Levi seemed pissed at the world right now... I don't know if Armin noticed, because Levi has a poker face, but I did. And, then, when he entered the subject of the past, it really didn't improve his mood one bit. The question changed slightly, but once again it felt like he was accusing Armin of hiding something... like Levi knew the conclusion, but he wanted Armin to confirm it for him. I can't tell if Armin understands what Levi is saying, but I sure as fuck do not understand where they are going with this.

"Were you there when Eren Jaeger died?"

"He died before or after you?"

It appears that Armin Arlet lived for a very long time in the past. He lived longer than everyone else in between our friends and yet... He didn't know what happened to me.

"Then, how did he die?"

According to him, I... Eren... Well, we just... disappeared.

At one point, I tried to join in. I did. Between two questions. Between two answers. I tried to ask where this was going, but Levi told me he was just trying to understand what was going on. He said we would talk about it later. He said I needed to rest and finish my tea.

-x-

I felt slightly better after a while. Less sore. More awake.

The fateful moment came around supper time, the moment where Armin would leave and leave me alone with Levi... and awake for once. I was waiting for it. Their conversation had gone nowhere except Armin stating the name of someone who could be trusted that was still working where Levi used to work. It appeared to be someone Levi knew. Ma...Mike? Yeah. I think it was Mike. I didn't exactly understand why it seemed like an important relation suddenly. Supper was coming. It was past five P.M. and I seriously doubted Levi would let Armin eat here... So yeah, I am ready by the door. I am leaning against the wall and Levi is a little bit behind me. Armin is putting his boots on and standing back up. His blues eyes trail over me from head to toe... and he says: "Aren't you coming, Eren?"

Wait... What?

I turn around. One look at Levi. One look at Armin. I just assumed that I...

"You can stay here a little bit longer; I don't mind..."

"Oh... I see..."

You know, at this exact moment, when I see the dejected look on Armin's face; I feel bad, like it's my fault he's hurt... and it is, but what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I can't just let go of Levi either. I can't just give up on Levi when I have this chance!

-x-

At eight, Levi makes another bath for me... I feel like we're already back into some kind of new routine, even if it's just the 2nd night I'll spend here. It wasn't supposed to be a bath. At first, I said I would take a shower. That was my intention, but my legs were shaking and I was using the walls to keep my weight off my feet as much as possible. It didn't even hurt..., but I could still feel the bones breaking and the flesh tearing apart because of it. It wasn't there, but it was haunting me like a fucking ghost.

In the end, Levi prepared the bath for me and helped me get into it... Normally, I'd be thrilled before if Levi helped me, because he cared. Of course, I was happy, but there was more to it... like how it was becoming embarrassing or how... "It makes me feel like an old man."

"Why?" He asks and I can see his eyebrows lifting just a bit... and yet, I notice because it's so different from his usual stoic expression. So fucking different. I can tell he's nearly laughing at my comment too. He calls me a brat, I've got nothing to do with old men... Right, Levi? And yet, with Levi sitting down on the floor in the bathroom about a meter away from the bath; I feel like an old man watched over by a nurse or something. I hate it. I want to feel better. I want to use this chance to get him back!

But then, if I feel better... I'll have to go home.

"You know, when you help them bathe, even though they're naked, it doesn't matter. Who cares about an old man's ass anyway?"

That's it. Right there. He fucking snorts this time and he puts his hand into the bath to splash it on my face. "You're dumb."

"Shut up! I'm just... I don't want you to think it's just Eren Jaeger naked."

"I didn't..." He sighs and stands up to leave. "Come on. Clean yourself. Are you going to drown while I'm in the kitchen or... you think you'll be alright?"

"I'm fine." It doesn't mean I want you to leave though... but I understand that this is not exactly the nicest place to be, eh?

"OK. I'll go check the teapot for you. You should drink a little bit of tea before you go to bed."

"Is there something in this tea? Are you trying to drug me?" I ask with a laugh.

And I'm pretty sure he won't bother answering... it wouldn't surprise me, but just as he's leaving my sight he says:

"Nah. I'm not interested in Eren Jaeger's old ass... looks flat and uninteresting as hell."

-x-

I bet it means the opposite... and he totally took a peek at it.

-x-

At least, the tea helps me sleep... but what helps the most is Levi sleeping just a foot away from me. Right there, in front of me, in the same bed, between the same bed sheets. If I reach out, I can touch his stomach... but I settle just by holding the front of his shirt in my fist.

-x-

"You can't stay here, Eren... Not again."

No. Not this early in the morning. Not when I just woke up and felt like I was mostly back to my old self. I don't want to have this conversation. We have so many more conversations we need to have before this one... like who's Mike? What's up with him? What happened to me? What was all that with Armin yesterday? So much... and yet, you choose this one and your cold voice feels like a knife. I feel my eyes tearing up and I hide my face under the comforter.

I didn't want to think about this yet, Levi!

"Eren... I know you're awake." He insists and he pulls on the comforter to keep it away from my face... and stops the moment he sees it; my fucking face with the pain you keep putting there. I wish I could hate you sometimes... I wish.

"I'm sorry, Eren..."

"No."

"No?"

"No!" I repeat with vigor... and I roll over, and I repeat it, and I yell it again until I position myself so I can see him clearly. "No, I am not leaving!"

And the list goes on... and on.

"No, I don't want to be awake to listen to you asking me leave!"

And my face gets closer to his... morning breath be damned, I don't fucking care. It'll probably be a horrible mix of morning breath, cigarettes, bittersweet tea, and... a lot more, but it doesn't matter.

"No, I do not accept this shitty apology, that's for sure... because you're just trying to find excuses."

Closer... Oh God. I'm so close. I'm shivering just because I can feel his hot breath on my skin, on my lips.

"No, you're not sorry... don't be fucking sorry and just stop walking over my feelings like they're nothing."

And... Fuck, finally, I feel like a high school student kissing for the first time when my lips finally touch his. It's a simple kiss. It's soft. It's gentle. It's full. It's just my lips touching his lips, covering them for an instant. It's an innocent kiss and it's so slow, it feels like an eternity where I close my eyes and I live on my lips... at the edge; where they meet. They're thin and he opens his mouth slightly to breathe after the initial kiss. Exhale and then, he opens his grey eyes. Yeah, it isn't the best timing to kiss like that in the morning, but it's the only time. In my defense, it wasn't the time to talk about me leaving this apartment first thing in the morning.

"No, I don't know what happened to me or how I managed to heal through this car accident, but I wanna know." I whisper... I really do want to know.

He nods; he doesn't look away from me until I return to my position by his side in the bed. Just by his side. Our shoulders touch, but that's all there is to it. Nothing else. He doesn't even say anything and it worries me a little, but I feel his weight moving the bed and I just know he's above me when he leans down to kiss me back again with the same softness.

"I'm sorry." He repeats quietly with his head in the crook of my neck and his lips on my shoulder after tracing all of my jaw and traveling down my neck.

I just thread my fingers through his hair and I breathe a simple: "I know" because I know this one is legitimate... because I know this one is for me. It really is. It's for us, for what he did to us. And maybe, just maybe, I'm not back to square one again.