Shepard pressed a hand to her mouth due to...due to some kind of extreme emotion- she wasn't sure if it was from shock, awe, or love- as she read the message again before setting it aside. She ran her fingers over the smooth metal of the key and found herself wanting to cry for no explainable reason.
A Christmas gift from an old boyfriend (two years late) shouldn't have that kind of effect on her. She was certain that she shouldn't let her heart feel such strong emotions for a man that may, or may not, have moved on. There were too many variables for her to be reacting to such a small gift as such.
What was she supposed to do with it anyway? She couldn't wear it when she was out on missions and, since she was the go-to for everyone who needed help, there was times when she had to just jump into her armor and take off.
She wanted to throw it away...and she wanted to clutch it to her chest and sob like a dumb, ditzy woman in a cheesy vid.
Shepard closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before laying it in front of the holo of Kaidan on her desk. Her emotions were pulling her in different directions and that was the easiest way to not end up doing something she'd regret later.
... She wanted to hate him.
Understanding why he said the things he did on Horizon was one thing. She had been working with terrorists that she had gone out of her way on the SR-1 to mess up their operations. She appeared before him, alive and kicking ass, as though those two years had never happened...
And they hadn't for her...
Two years hadn'tpassed for her.
But, had he thought so little of her that she would have willingly gone to Cerberus? Could he have, maybe, listened to her before yelling? He should have let Garrus explain that she was really herself- not some damn Cerberus cyborg clone or whatever (she had a mild interest in Sci-Fi, but Kaidan's interestwayout-did her own).
She chuckled at the thought of being a cyborg clone.
"Just call me a T-X Shepard," she informed the empty room, thinking of the old Terminator 3 vid from the twenty-first.
"Well, if you're talking about one of those super hot terminators, I'll start doing that," Joker informed her over the comm.
With wide eyes, she demanded, "Are you listening in again, Joker?"
She heard him scoff on the other end. "'s not my fault that you activated the comm before you started talking about being a sexy terminator."
She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. There was a part of her that wanted to hate Joker, too. It would be perfectly understandable if she hated him. He was the reason that she had stayed aboard the Normandy and was killed. There were orders in place that limited casualties such as the one she had sustained. He should have evacuated.
But, could she honestly blame him?
Had he not stayed in the helm for that extra amount of time, they would have lost altitude and began burning up in atmo before even half of the crew made it to escape pods. So many more lives would have been lost had it not been for her stubborn pilot.
And he came back.
Oh, she wasn't delusional enough to believe that he came back for her- he came back because Cerberus let him fly. But, when she came back- walking, talking, and kicking Collector ass-, he believed in her. He knew that she was the realCommander Shepard. He didn't need a favor to prove that she was herself, he simply sat down at the helm and flew her to hell and brought her and the crew out on the other side.
While she did get pissed and hate him for awhile, she couldn't make it stick. But, damn, did she try for awhile.
He should have, at least, apologized.
"You!" she gasped, lifting her head up.
"Commander?"
"That's were you were at. You didn't go to the head down on the Crew Deck." She stood up, grabbed the necklace, and made her way to the elevator. "You came up to my cabin!"
She had stepped into the elevator, pushed the bottom for CIC, and was beginning he decent before he responded. "You don't understand."
Punching the wall in the elevator, she took a deep breath. "Well, then you better start explaining."
As Shepard stepped out of the elevator, Traynor took a step towards her, her mouth open to start a statement. Shepard raised her hand in a "not now" gesture and stormed up to the helm.
"It's a long story," he finally answered, sounding nervous.
She opened the door to the helm and said, "Then you better start talking." She spared a glance at that damn robot body (EDI, she corrected herself, clenching her teeth at the sight of her). "See if Adams needs any help, EDI."
"I can assure you that all is well down on the Engineer-"
Shepard glared harshly at her and snapped,"Get. Out."
"Yes, Commander," she said instantly, leaving Joker alone with Shepard.
She stalked around and thrust the necklace at Joker, dropping it into his hands. He stared down at it with a strange expression. "You know, you're both a lot alike," he informed her, not looking up.
"What're you talking about?"
Joker ran his fingers over the key as he frowned. "On Alchera, after the Collector's blew up the original Normandy...we were being picked up by the Alliance..." He looked up at her with a pleading look. "I tried to apologize...but he told me I deserved the guilt- that I always needed to be reminded of it...so he gave me this necklace...just like you did."
I once used it as a grim reminder to someone...
"He shouldn't have blamed you," Shepard said in a softer tone, sitting down in the co-pilot chair, still facing Joker.
"Yes, he should have. He was right to. You should blame me too- you should blame memore! I killedyou, Shepard. It was my fault you died while the rest of us lived." His hand clenched around the key and he looked to be fighting tears. "I'm sorry," he choked out, his eyes glued to the key as he opened his hand.
"Joker-"
"When he gave this to me...he said that, if I ever start feeling less guilty, I should look at this. I had no right to feel less guilty about costing you your life." Joker looked up at her with watery eyes and said, "He said that I don't deserve to be free of guilt, and he was right. Because, no matter what, you died and it was my fault."
She sat their silently with her mouth slightly open, unsure of what to say- but she knew that she should say something. "Joker-"
"And the worst part is that you act like it doesn't matter- like it doesn't even phase you that you were dead for two years because I am a stubborn asshole cripple! If I would have followed protocol and orders, you'd've lived and probably be an Admiral by now and married to Alenko."
That last bit had her staring at him in confusion. She and Kaidan had never talked about marriage. They were both married to their careers and happy about it. She had been only twenty-nine when things had started getting serious, and he had been thirty-two. There had been plenty of time for them to get married and start a family if they wanted to.
Of course, their time had got cut short.
"I doubt it," she said dryly. "Plus, we weren't really following protocol either."
"Bullshit," he answered. "You were as far gone for him as he was you- you still are." He looked back down at the key. "I kept this because I deserved the guilt that he was sure I'd let go of...and because I'mthe reason he lost you."
Shepard reached out and laid a hand on his arm and shook her head. "No, you're not. The Reaper'sare the reason I died, Joker. You saved so many of the crew just by staying up there and keeping her in the air."
He shook her arm off and frowned. "You should be pissed at me!" he spat, the muscles in his arm tensing. "You should want to break every bone in my body, let them heal, and break them again just so I can suffer."
Shepard gave a humorless laugh. "I tried to hate you," she admitted, wiping at a tear in the corner of her eye. "I used all the excuses you gave me, but then I saw you on the stupid Cerberus Base. Out of everyone from the old days- besides Chakwas- you were there, ready to fly me on another crazy ass mission that we had no business surviving, let alone succeeding at. You didn't wonder if I was really me or not, you just accepted it- no questions asked."
He laughed. "You always seem to escape the impossible."
They sat in silence for a few minutes before she asked, "Why'd you give it to me after so long?"
Joker handed her back the necklace and took off his hat and scratched his head before replacing the hat. "He asked me to."
She absorbed that for a few seconds before standing and saying, "I don't know if Kaidan can ever forgive you, Joker, but I have. The question is, can you ever forgive yourself?" Shepard squeezed the key in her hand until it hurt before opening her hand up and looked down at it.
"I can start," he murmured.
She gently squeezed his shoulder as she left the helm, holding the key and chain to her chest like a lifeline.
Author's Note: It always bothered me (as well, since a few people have commented on this as well) that Joker never apologized for killing Shepard and she seemed alright with it. I mean, come on! So, I wrote this as a way to show that Joker has really been torn up about all of it- despite how he acts- and how, Shep even tried to hate him for a while. I kind of had to wrap it up because I was starting to feel a bit weepy.