EREN
Notes:
I think we all know what's waiting for Eren... at the end of the road ;)
They should have played some Tron soundtrack when I entered the building... I could easily imagine myself to the sound of it because I totally felt like Flynn when he saw the grid for the first time and entered it... Yeah, this whole building looked like something out of this world, that's how modern it was. It was unlike anything I had ever seen and it was freaking cool. I had nothing else to say to describe it. I was wearing my darkest jeans, like Levi told me, with his black hoodie because my clothes were too light for Levi's taste. I even had to put my baseball cap under my hoodie to hide my face even more. It was just a precaution and Levi said everything would be alright. He said Mike would handle the camera, because... Well, it seems that Mike, the tall guy walking in front of me, is the next level computer nerd. As in, he's a beast at it. He's also Erwin's boyfriend... which suddenly made me like him a lot. When I saw Erwin at the door with his muscles and his impressive height, I kind of felt like a kid... literally. Levi and this guy, they used to be a thing. I got self-conscious. I'm just a kid in comparison to this guy. He was probably able to manhandle Levi a lot, unlike me. I could imagine him lifting Levi off his feet, to take him against the wall or to drag him into the bedroom to throw him on the bed and make love to him. I don't even know why I wasted time thinking about it, but I did... and my scenarios were always incredibly hot, which really didn't help my confidence and my relationship with Levi's dear friend.
At least, now, there is Mike... Mike is tall and blonde. Levi is small and dark haired. Mike wears a mustache and a beard of a few days on his face. Levi has little to zero hair on his face; even his eyebrows are thin... just like the rest of his body... I mean, not that I am thinking about any part of Levi's body right now! Back on topic, Mike isn't as broad as Erwin, but he isn't lacking there either. He has a small waist like Levi because he's tall and slim, sure, but he has large shoulders. It is kind of hard to believe Erwin went from Levi to... this guy. And I like to think that the big Erwin, staying home to babysit Mikasa, isn't into small guys like Levi anymore... and Levi, walking by my side with our hands brushing together, isn't into big guys like him anymore either.
He probably would agree to something like that too, but he is too busy guiding us into the huge building to notice any of the glances I give the two of them... or the way I make sure our hands touch whenever I can.
And this building he leads us through, is awesome. If I had seen this place years ago, I would have freaked out, but I'm getting used to the technology now. I love how the lights in the ceiling open when the sensor sees us. I love how it seems like everything lights up as I walk until I reach the central room where everything is already mostly in light because of everyone still in the building. Levi had said some people were so hooked to the Replayer, they barely went outside... and I didn't really believe him, but when I reach the middle of the building and raise my head to look up to all the different floors above us; I can see it. There are people on almost each floor according to the way the lights are kept open for them... I can even see some of them walk around the building. I can totally see them under the bright and blue-ish lights opening and closing as they move. Yeah, I feel like I am entering the Grid and I could totally imagine The Grid is playing as I follow Levi and Mike toward the elevator. Totally.
To my left, Levi asks Mike something about the floor we end up on... He says something about the room being different and just thinking about doing it in his old office since Mike said it was empty. I barely register their conversation. I'm just there looking through the windows... to the city all around us. I could never really get over their tall buildings as high as the walls back in the day. I just notice the door at the end of the long corridor when we get there and Mike points the one camera to Levi... who shrugs in response. They discuss some technical stuff which doesn't really make sense to me. I've never been good with technology. I got used to my phone and to the machine to use my bus pass on... pretty much. I got used to the television at Levi's place because he stopped coming to set it up for me when I called for him. I didn't really have a choice, but to learn it... and, when the door finally opens to the machine Levi called The Replayer, I know I don't really want to know how it works either.
-X-
I'm kind of nervous... very nervous for some reason. I sit in the chair and I feel like I can never make it feel comfortable. There are some weird stickers on my head, my face and my chest with wires going into a machine. Levi said it was just to make sure everything was going alright and he squeezed my knee gently when I looked at him panicked. Mike sits in another chair and does some stuff on the computer while Levi prepares me... both physically and mentally, because I'm totally shitting my pants now.
''You won't have to do a thing... It'll get all white and all, but just let Mike handle the machine on this side and you'll be alright. We'll be able to see what you see from here too, so don't worry about a thing.''
I nod. Fuck. I've done nothing but nod ever since we got in here... What if it doesn't work? Mike did mention something called 'Synchronisation' earlier. What if I can't do it? I know Levi said he wasn't worried about it, but... I don't even know if I'm supposed to do anything to synchronise!
''Levi... '' I start, but they interrupt me before I can even start with my worries. We don't have much time, I know. Levi told me that before we left the car... so, I let it go. I hear Mike call to Levi that everything is ready and Levi finally grabs my hand between his, softly.
He says: ''See you later, Eren.''
There's a little smile at the corner of his eyes and then the world fades to... more like, lights up to white. Pure. Perfect. Completely white... and then, it starts.
Like the lines of a drawing, starting from the basing stuff, I see the wall. I see all the roofs of the houses around me. I see the one I'm on and I see the gap between them when I jump from one to another... until I'm as close as possible to the gate by which people go through.
Like a painter finally adding color to his painting, color slowly appears and covers the white entirely. The cloaks on their shoulders turn to green and I recognize this color... I recognize the pattern in the wind. I recognize them... It's her. It's him. It's my world and...
I'm back.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
His small figure disappears on the other side of the gate... His cloak in the wind; he reminds him of the back riding in front of him in the forest when they were chased by the Female Titan... He looks like Humanity's Strongest, which he is. He looks like the Corporal that the kid looked up at years ago, which he is. It's just that he is so much more now. The blinding light on the other side of the wall swallows him whole and the wings of freedom on his back is the last thing the boy sees of him.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
On the 7th day, like every other day, his first thought is for them. He imagines Levi and Mikasa on their horses looking strong and free. He wonders if they're getting along even though they don't really like each other. They have to. They're stuck together after all. His second thought is for their safety. His 3rd thought, though, is for Levi... just him. He closes his eyes and he buries his face in the pillow he stole from Levi's room. His pillow. It doesn't smell like him anymore... it smells more like the boy, but he still holds it close to his chest.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
On the 10th day, he is not worried... He just misses Levi. He finds it hard to sneak away from his 'watchers' /more like 'Damn Babysitters/ while Levi isn't there to watch over him. It's nearly impossible to get into Levi's apartment now. It's annoying... He wants to go there. He wants to sleep in this bed... and in his stuff... as if he were there.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
On the 14th day, he is found sitting on the wall with his usual 'company' standing a few feet away... always. Even though Armin is there. Even though he said he would watch over Eren. They didn't trust Armin... not that Eren doubted he wouldn't be able to win him over if he needed to. It's been two weeks, like Armin and Erwin estimated it would take for the whole expedition to go, do what they needed to do and come back home.
He tells Eren that waiting is only going to make it seem longer. He tells Eren to think about something else and to stop counting the days. Levi will come back when he's not expecting it. He is right... probably. Anything could have delayed this expedition, but the feeling that something is off gets under his skin.
Levi is always on time.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
"They should've come back days ago!"
Eren Jaeger's voice can be heard through the castle… that's how loud he screams at Hanji the moment he opens the door. It's the 22nd day. Levi still isn't back… and now, Eren is starting to get worried. At this point, even Armin is worried.
"I'll go and look for hi-… for them myself; you won't have to send anyone!"
…and the answer is a simple "No" when Hanji raises her head from her papers to look at him. She smiles and she laughs like she always does… creepily. "What were you about to say, Eren? Missing the shortie?"
The smile she wears on her lips is knowingly, like she doesn't even need an answer to this question... and she continues, more seriously: "Don't worry, I sent people there already… They should be back with the news in a few days."
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
On the 25th day, no one tells Eren about it... They just tell him and Armin to follow them. They just lead them into Erwin's office. For an instant, he actually thinks Erwin is going to be on the other side of that door. He thinks Levi will be there too. He thinks of the older man's small eyes looking at him from the corner of his eyes... and trying not to be too obvious. The boy can't really help but sigh when his eyes meet Hanji sitting in one of the chairs without Levi or Erwin in sight.
She tells them to take a seat... and Armin takes it. He keeps himself together and puts his hands on his knees, but Eren is slowly taking note of the crack on his mask of rationality. It's crumbling. He started to ask questions, but Armin kept saying everything was fine. He is nervous. He is restless about thing he usually isn't... and it led Eren to one question; is he waiting for someone to come back after all? At first, he thought it was Jean... because they got along well. He thought it was Mikasa. One way or another, it didn't click. Eren didn't think it was that and let it be for the time being... just watching over him quietly even though he had his hands full with his own emotions.
But he kept thinking about it.
''It's about the expedition... The one Erwin, Levi and Mikasa were a part of.'' Pause. Silence. Why does she mention Erwin? Does it matter? She mentions Mikasa because they both hold her dear... and Levi, because... well, it's Levi, and Hanji seems to know a little about their 'thing' between them. Or something like that. Then, Erwin, the commander... and while Eren goes over Armin's figure sitting a little bit in front of him, he doesn't really pay attention to him… Because, that's it. Finally. This is it!
''The mission seemed to be a success according to the report and they are...''
She's going to tell them they're back. She totally is. Levi is probably taking a bath right now, because that's the first thing he'd do... of course! If Hanji let him take his leave, he might be able to make it before Levi gets out of his bath. He might be able to join him. He might be able to cover him with sweet kisses and touches. He might be able to go back to sleep with him. He could use a real sleep for once. It doesn't matter if it's daytime. Oh. He wants to go now... so, why do they look so gloomy while he's just beaming like an idiot?
It's not like they didn't come back. Levi is reliable, he always comes back. He is strong too. He did his mission and won, like he always does. Now, he is...
''...gone.''
No. He didn't hear this. No. He can't stop smiling. He can't accept this. It's impossible. He have to maintain the smile... he can't just cry and break apart. He can't throw a fit in here. This isn't even real.
Levi is reliable!
Levi always comes back!
He has to.
He doesn't even notice Armin breaking apart until he hears the painful choke when he breathes... but, when he does, he can't even believe Armin keeps his act. The blond's body drops forward and his long hair covers his face. It hides his expression while he rebuilds his composure and stands back up to a straight position, a strong position. And then, finally, Eren realizes that, maybe, just maybe, this is real.
Eren's voice moans a broken ''No'' that is painful to even pronounce and Armin turns to look at him. He mouths his name silently. Eren. It's like he's trying to avoid the crisis. It's like he's trying to keep him from tearing the whole place apart, because he really feels himself boiling. He knows this feeling and Levi helped him control it... but if he's... if he's...
''No! They must have missed them!''
She says: ''Eren.''
And he says: ''No!''
He knows she is trying to be comforting in some way, but he's not having any of it.
''They did it! There are no more Titans, Hanji! NONE! Levi must be on his way home! He has to. He won! After the basement, after learning how to make shifters, after destroying the information... after all this! He killed them all! We killed them all! Mikasa is coming too.'' And he turns his head to Armin to add: ''Erwin too.''
Right, Armin? Because it's starting to make sense now... a little.
''Do more research! Search the whole area! You'll find them. Maybe they're stuck and they can't come back home for some reason... Maybe they're waiting for us to join them outside the walls!''
A part of him believes it. Another doesn't. It's useless and he knows it. This other part knows. This other part accepts it already when he leaves the office, but there's still a part of him that wants to believe... Believe Levi is out there and will come back to him with everyone else. He hopes.
For Armin, there is no hope. For Armin, it takes the whole hallway and all the stairs leading down to the dining room before he completely falls apart and asks Eren what is going to happen to him if Erwin leaves him behind... and Eren can't find the words to say to his friend.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
It feels weird to know there's someone else in the bed… and it's different… and it hurts a little when he turns around to switch sides, because it makes him fully realize it's not Levi. Instead of black hair, it's blond hair… Instead of a sleeping person with a relaxed expression for once, it's a wide awake one… with a painful expression on his face. The brunet finds Armin's hand above the covers and squeezes it lightly. He still can't find the words. He didn't ask about Armin's situation. He just helped as best as he could by keeping him company when he didn't want to be alone… and he really didn't seem like he'd be able to stay alone judging by the depressing things he said.
At first, Armin really didn't want to sleep in that room… or in that bed. He said it wasn't his spot… so, Eren took Levi's usual side whenever he slept there and he had Armin take his side. It was weird and, when he opened his eyes to the wall in front of him, he thought this was exactly what Levi woke up to each time he slept there. He thought of Levi again and it was painful.
For a while, Armin just stays there… looking up at the ceiling without moving. He doesn't even react when Eren squeezes his hand. It's quiet and Eren starts to think Armin isn't going to explain anything today either. So much, that he is actually surprised by the voice when it reaches his ears.
''You didn't ask why I knew…'' he starts quietly, and Eren wonders if he was meant to hear this at all since it doesn't make any sense, but then the blond continues as if he knew Eren didn't get it. ''About Levi and you.''
''Oh…'' He sighs. He wants to roll on his back, but he also thinks that he needs to see Armin… to see his expression when he talks, because this is important. He feels like this is important. Really important. ''Well, I've been pretty obvious recently. I just… I got a little bit worked up because he wasn't here yet… still isn't.''
No. He shakes his head. This isn't it.
''No… I knew before that. I knew before... because I watched you a lot… all the time. And, each time, you were always looking at him. It took me a while. At first, I thought it was just admiration. You looked at him and you tried your best to make him look at you… even though it wasn't really successful. I felt like you were always in his way. Then, suddenly, after Annie, you calmed down a bit and I thought it was over. I thought that, maybe, I had my chance and whatever you had with Levi was gone...''
And Eren just listens… trying to understand why it suddenly matters. It shouldn't. Levi isn't back yet… and he might never come back. Why does it matter to Armin at all? Why did he see all this? Why does he have to bring it up? Of course it was different after the Female Titan... because they had their first kiss all alone in the room where she was kept. It changed. Of course it changed.
''I don't really…''
''…but it was just different. You still looked at him and it was like you were suddenly aware of your surroundings when you did… like you didn't want anyone else to notice you did. You stopped talking about him all the time. You became secretive about Levi, and Mikasa probably didn't really notice the nuance, but I did. I did. I noticed and I knew you liked Levi a lot more than you let on, but I kept on wishing. Then, one day, I went back after you when we were done cleaning like Levi ordered. I wondered why I heard your animated voice coming from the storage room and I went… and I found you. I found you there with Levi and you were kissing him... and you had your hands roaming down his back... squeezing him against you. I stopped right there and I instantly forgot why I wanted to see you. I went back. I went back and I only thought about one thing...'' Pause. Armin inhales deeply and swallows. He closes his eyes… and finally, he says it even more quietly than the rest: ''I realized I wanted you to kiss me like that...''
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Eren suddenly sits in the bed… like he got struck by lightning. He remembers that... time in the storage. Fuck! Were there more times like that? He always thought they were careful. Levi was always careful, right? He blushes. He turns red like a damn tomato and he tries to find something... ANYTHING... to say.
''What about Erwin then?'' He thought Erwin had some kind of special relationship with Armin. He thought it was alright to sleep next to Armin and to keep him company because he was hurt… but if this is about Levi, then… No. Just no. This isn't what he thinks…!
And this will change the subject... no more talk about intimate things with Levi.
''Erwin… well, Erwin and Mike were more than friends… Nile kept asking about stuff like that. He thought Erwin would take a wife at one point, but Erwin didn't want a wife. He had Mike… until Mike died. I don't really know how it happened to be honest. I felt like I couldn't do anything, but work for the Legion to ignore how broken I felt. I couldn't love you. You had Levi and Levi had you. Mikasa had Jean… even though she kept denying it. Jean had her. I had no one. Erwin had no one either and it just happened somewhere along the way. We worked together a lot and then, the truth was out… and next thing I knew, we were in the same bed. And then, eventually, you weren't in my mind as much as you used to be.''
To that last statement, Eren smiles… because, he's glad. He's really glad this story doesn't lead to him. He wouldn't have known what to do. He wouldn't have known how to deal with Armin's feelings… and, of course, he wouldn't have been able to return them.
''I… I really, really like you, Eren… and, Erwin, he healed me… He fixed me. If he doesn't come back, what'll happen to me and these feelings…?''
And Eren knows… Armin likes him. He really does and he doesn't want to take Levi's place, but they don't even need to think about that. Armin doesn't even need to worry about that. He'll never take Levi's spot. He'll never compete with Levi. They don't need to compete.
Levi won this fight... and Armin Arlet loves Erwin Smith. He loves him more than Eren Jaeger.
''I'm glad… You found someone better suited for you.'' Says the brunette with a smile… holding his hand tighter, because he really is. He didn't realize they were in a similar situation until now… and it hurts because Erwin and Levi might not come back. ''…at least we've got each other to go through this.''
…but really, this smile hurts a lot.
He doesn't want to go through this.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat
Success!
Opening Session no. 11-16
Resuming Memory
In the following week, there isn't a time where Eren isn't with Armin… even though he is incredibly aware of himself around the blonde now. Before he knows it, another week's gone by. That's another seven days. And another more seven days. There is talk about the world outside going on around the castle, even around town. They say the outside world is safe… and, of course, Armin and Eren start to speak of it too. They speak of going to the sea. They speak of exploring the world… to see it all.
They never really say it out loud, but they probably both think about searching for Levi and Erwin.
And, eventually, there is a rumor about how Eren is the only Titan left and isn't needed anymore. They talk of him. They talk of getting rid of him before he turns against them. They talk of Levi. They talk of how they don't need him to do it anyway… anyone can do it. So Eren starts to seriously make plans to leave the walls… until one day, the rumor is: A team came back and found something. Something can be a lot of things, but for Eren it's only one thing: A possible clue about Levi. It has to be about that.
As if Levi knew… As if he knew he had to come back now, before Eren left ahead.
Eren can barely hear anything she says past the announcement. He barely registers her warning… Levi is in very bad shape, prepare yourself. You won't be able to touch him. We'll let you in his room for a little while, but you won't be able to see him much until he recovers… if he recovers. Eren knew. He knew Levi wouldn't be the same… and it didn't matter. He flew down the stairs anyway without really wondering why they would keep him in the basement all alone. He swallowed every explanation because he just wanted to close the distance between him and Levi… but, when he finally reached that door… when he finally entered that room and saw the body on the bed, he stopped.
''W-Why… Why does he look like this?''
He can't even tell its Levi, that's how bad it is… He doesn't look alive. No, he doesn't even look human anymore. His skin is covered in… something, or is it burned? It smells horrible… Urgh! Can he really do this? Can he? This isn't Levi… not his Levi. Yet, it is. It's him even though it doesn't look like him.
''He burned…'' There's something about the way she says it. It's like she's walking on quicksand, but he's too taken by the person on the bed to pay attention to her… This is Levi. This is Levi! He wants to help him… to hug him and tell him it'll be alright. He wants to heal him, to cure him. Levi must be in pain. The boy wants to make it all go away… He thinks, he thinks he can live with a different Levi with scars. He just needs to remind himself that Levi won't look like this in a few months… or a year. He'll look better. Probably….
''Levi…'' The boy starts carefully… fidgeting and he doesn't even know why he's a mess. He's worried. He shouldn't be. He should be happy… Why is he worried!? He wants to be happy! Why is this so hard? He wanted him to come back to him so bad… and he's back, but he can't even touch him. He can't even take his hand in his. He knows why Hanji said not to touch him now… She probably said it because it'll hurt too much. Way too much.
''He's not conscious… We had to put him to sleep, the pain was too much.''
And then, finally, at these words, like she confirms everything the boy thought and suddenly makes this situation real; he falls to my knees and he screams… He screams while the tears roll on his cheek.
He screams for Levi.
He screams until he sees it… until it makes sense… until he knows what he needs to do. To Eren, it makes sense… It all makes sense. He isn't needed anymore. If he isn't needed, the higher ups will want him dead. He can't die, that much is obvious. He doesn't want to die. He needs to see the world and he needs to watch over Levi. No, he can't die yet. So, he makes the innocent and honest request:
''Can't you use my regeneration ability to help him?''
He stands suddenly, driven by his brand new energy… his fuel, his anger. He turns to her in time to see her smile when she says, with confidence: ''We could try it out!''