AN: Thank you so much for the reviews and follows - over 100 of both! It means a lot to me, honestly. Here's chapter 25...
Chapter Twenty-Five: Making Mermories
After the debacle with Oliver, Quinn and Santana were stunned into silence. Quinn had no recollection, looking back later, of leaving the hotel or taking the subway, but before she knew it they were climbing the stairs to their apartment. Her mind was reeling with possibilities - with ifs, buts, and maybes, with fanciful plans of just taking Beth and running away. She knew that she'd never act on that but she also knew that there was no way she could give up fighting for the little girl now. With Oliver having revealed his true colors, she was determined that he must not be allowed to raise Beth. She knew only too well the consequences of being raised in a family where hate and prejudice were taught alongside learning to read and write. Her fight had just gotten that much harder but it was now infinitely more important to her to win.
Still without saying a word, Santana kicked off her shoes, shrugged out of her coat, and stomped off to the bathroom. Quinn wanted to comfort her but she barely had enough energy to hold on herself and Santana's body language told her that the brunette was not ready to accept any comfort she had to offer.
Instead, Quinn sat down on the bed and gazed around at the cluttered apartment. Beth had been with them just a week and a half but already it was easy to see that the four year old had taken over their lives and their home. Toys were strewn across the floor, discarded items of clothing covered the couch, and innumerable discarded juice cups cluttered every surface. Feeling immensely weary, and far older than her twenty-one years, Quinn set about tidying the apartment. Being active almost always helped to clear and focus her mind.
After a while, Quinn was so intent on the task at hand that she didn't notice the soft snick of the bathroom door unlatching, nor did she notice Santana slip quietly into the room. Eventually, she sensed something behind her and turned with a start to see Santana, red nosed and blotchy, her dark eyes red rimmed as they followed her movements.
"Shit, Santana! You scared me," she muttered accusatorially. Santana didn't respond right away - she seemed to be searching for the right words, or maybe the courage to say something difficult.
"What if I left?" she asked finally. Quinn was stunned, both by the question and by Santana's voice - her vibrant, confident, often brash fiancée had never sounded so small.
"What?" she said disbelievingly, her brow furrowing as she tried to figure out Santana's question. She was holding Beth's pajama top in her hands, and subconsciously she began to fold and refold the small garment. Otherwise, the girls stood motionless as they studied one another.
"What if I left?" Santana repeated softly. "Moved out? Oliver doesn't want you to raise Beth because you're a lesbian, right? Well, what if you weren't?"
Quinn was incredulous. "Santana, you of all people should know it doesn't work that way!" she exclaimed. "My sexuality is part of who I am, I can't just turn it on and off like a light bulb." She shook her head disparagingly.
"But you could tell Oliver that you'd kicked me out?" offered Santana quickly. "You could tell him that you'd made a mistake and that almost losing Beth has made you see the light."
"That's crazy," insisted Quinn. "Even if I was willing to do that - which I am absolutely not," she added emphatically, "he's not stupid, he'd never buy it."
"He would if I moved away," Santana said carefully. "You could show him proof."
Quinn felt sick at Santana's suggestion. The brunette looked so earnest and sincere that it almost broke Quinn's heart, but she couldn't keep the anger from bubbling up in her stomach. She was trying to summon the courage to fight Oliver, to hold their family together, and Santana's solution was to break it up.
"Stop it," she demanded, kneading the pajama top between her fingers, clenching her knuckles around the cotton until they turned white as she sought to stem her temper. "I can't believe we're even having this conversation. After everything we've been through together, you want to throw it away!" She couldn't keep her voice from wavering at her last statement.
"You can't have both me and Beth," Santana said brokenly, a single tear spilling down her cheek. Quinn longed to cross the divide between them, to gather Santana in her arms, to wipe away her tears and tell her everything would be okay, but she continued to stand motionless by the couch. "Oliver won't let you have us both."
"I can't choose!" Quinn was anguished. "Santana, I love you both, and I'm not giving up - on either of you. I need both of you in my life. You can't ask me to choose between you, it's not fair and I won't do it!"
"I know," Santana's tone was suddenly calm and eerily distant. "That's why I'm not asking you to choose." She fell to her hands and knees without warning and started to pull her empty suitcase out from its storage spot under the bed. Quinn watched in horror as Santana tossed it onto the bed and, opening the closet, began to haphazardly throw items of clothing into the open case.
"Jesus Christ, Santana!" Quinn swore as the anger she'd been holding onto boiled over. That got Santana's attention. Quinn wasn't averse to using minor curse words, she used the f-word on occasion, and Santana had even heard the other c-word uttered from her soft lips on two memorable occasions - the first being during a road trip when a trucker had cut them up and forced Quinn to swerve and almost lose control of the car, the second after much prodding, prompting, and pleading from Santana during a particularly energetic sex session. Santana loved to hear Quinn talk dirty, but she'd never, not once, heard her take the Lord's name in vain. So hearing those words spill out was enough to stop Santana in her tracks.
"You think this is the answer?" asked Quinn, gesticulating wildly towards the open suitcase on the bed. "You think you'll just leave and Oliver will suddenly pull his head out of his ass long enough to realize that Beth belongs with me, and then we'll all live happily ever after? What happened to 'we're in this together'?"
Suddenly galvanized into action, Quinn strode across the room to take Santana's hands in hers and squeeze them gently. Santana shook her head as she fought back a fresh wave of tears.
"I can't do it, Q," she said sadly. "I can't be the reason you lose her."
"Oh, baby, you're not the reason," Quinn said hurriedly, reaching up to cup Santana's cheek tenderly and force the brunette to meet her gaze. "If I lose her," she said tremulously, finding it painful to even say the words out loud, "it's because Oliver Corcoran is a short-sighted, bigoted fool who doesn't understand what love really means." Tears stung her eyes but she blinked them back, summoning up all of her reserves to stay strong. "I love you," Quinn insisted, tracing over Santana's full lips with the pad of her thumb. "I love you so much and, like I said, I'm not giving up - on you or on Beth. We'll get the testimonials like the lawyer said, and we'll go to court, and we'll show the judge that we're Beth's family. Not me, Santana, we, both of us." She enveloped Santana in her arms, holding her close, as the brunette sniffled against her shoulder. They stayed that way for several minutes, Quinn rubbing the tension out of Santana's shoulder blades as they embraced. Eventually, Quinn broke the hug, and stepped back to study her fiancée. "Promise me that there's going to be no more nonsense about you walking out on us?" she asked gently.
"I promise," Santana whispered, offering her a small, watery smile.
"Good." Quinn smoothed Santana's hair, strands of which were clinging to her damp cheeks, and breathed a sigh of relief. "So, let's get this suitcase put away before my mom gets back here with Beth. I don't want to scare her."
"Okay," Santana agreed softly.
When Judy and Beth arrived home an hour later, Judy was anxious to hear about the meeting with Oliver but it was difficult for the girls to talk to her in front of the four year old so Santana offered to watch Beth for an hour so Quinn and her mom could have a private talk.
They ended up in a coffee house a few blocks from the apartment, and Quinn confessed to Judy everything that had happened that afternoon. Judy was understandably aghast at Oliver's treatment of Quinn, and she immediately took out her cell phone and made another appointment for Quinn with her lawyer the following morning.
"Mom, I can't let you pay for that!" Quinn said when Judy offered the receptionist double the usual hourly rate to get the appointment at short notice but Judy waved her hand dismissively and proceeded to book them in for ten-thirty.
"Quinnie, sweetheart, let me help," she pleaded when she hung up the phone. "Don't let silly pride get in the way of you being with your daughter. Trust me, I've been there." She reached for Quinn's hand across the table.
"You don't need to keep trying to atone for the past," Quinn told her but Judy shook her head.
"If I'd been the mother you needed when you were sixteen, you may not even be in this mess," admitted Judy sadly. "Maybe Beth would have been with you all along."
Whilst she didn't like to play the 'what if' game, Judy was voicing thoughts Quinn had had many times. With all her heart, she wished she'd clung on to her daughter when the doctor first placed her in her arms in the delivery room and that she'd never, ever let her go.
Dressed in black the following morning, Quinn and Santana hugged Beth goodbye, checked that Judy knew the arrangements for their plans after the funeral, and headed out. Quinn was meeting with the lawyer alone as Santana had volunteered to put Quinn's plans for a memorial for Shelby into practice. Santana would be meeting Kurt and Blaine who were back from Hawaii and they'd be helping her with the arrangements.
Ethan Hoffman was as warm and welcoming as he'd been at their first meeting and he listened and took notes as Quinn relayed what had happened with Oliver. When she finished her story he looked at her with serious eyes.
"Well, I can't deny that this has just made our job a lot harder," he admitted with a sigh. "The onus will be on us to try to prove that Oliver would be an unsuitable guardian to Beth, or rather, that you would make a more appropriate choice. It won't be easy but I've been doing some research on him and I do believe that we can make a case to the judge. I'll petition for a hearing in family court as soon as possible."
"What happens in the meantime?" Quinn wanted to know. She couldn't help but imagine nightmare scenarios where Oliver would show up at their apartment and simply rip Beth from her arms.
"You have temporary custody," Ethan explained. "Unless Oliver goes to Children's Services and convinces them that Beth is in danger, she stays with you until Shelby's will is settled and we have the court hearing. The court won't allow him to take Beth out of state until that happens. Worst case scenario, if we fail, we'll request visitation rights. We've got an excellent chance at that as you have a clearly demonstrable pattern of visitation over the past year."
"Even though Shelby and I had nothing in writing?" Quinn asked, surprised.
Ethan nodded. "Yes, but I'll need those testimonials as soon as possible," he added, "and Quinn, you need to prepare yourself for the fact that Oliver's lawyers will drag up any dirt on you they possibly can." He studied her carefully before continuing. "I need to know everything as well, so I can refute whatever they come up with." He picked up his notepad again. "So, shoot. Quinn Fabray's life story, and leave nothing out, no matter how insignificant it may seem - it may be the difference between winning and losing this case."
Quinn's meeting with Ethan took so long that she made it to the church with only moments to spare. On Ethan's instruction she steered well clear of Oliver who was sitting in the front row with Rachel and, to Quinn's surprise, Rachel's dads. After Oliver's blatant homophobia, Quinn was stunned that he would tolerate them being up front. The only reason she could come up with was that Oliver was trying to keep Rachel and her fathers close because he believed it may help his case over Beth. She didn't know if he could be so calculating, but she honestly couldn't think of another explanation.
She was so caught up in her thoughts that the funeral was over before she knew it and Santana was hurrying her out of the church so they could continue to avoid Oliver. Rachel and her dads joined them outside to go with them to the memorial, and Quinn longed to ask her about Oliver but knew that today was not the time, so she simply embraced her friend and whispered comforting words into her ear.
They met Judy, Beth, Kurt, and Blaine as planned by the lake in Central Park. Beth looked beautiful but solemn in a pretty navy dress with a polka dot bow on the front. She ran to Quinn and leapt into her arms as soon as she set eyes on her.
"I missed you," she pouted, wrapping her legs around Quinn's waist as her skinny arms wound around her neck.
"I missed you too, baby," Quinn replied softly, stroking her silky blonde curls. "You doing okay?"
Beth nodded sadly. She knew that they were all gathering here to say goodbye to her mommy and her big hazel eyes filled with tears.
"Look," she said, pointing to the small congregation by the lake. Blaine was holding nine purple balloons on long strings.
"I see them," Quinn murmured. "Remember I told you about why we have the balloons?"
Beth nodded again but more uncertainly this time.
"Well," Quinn said with a gentle smile, "you know that your mommy is in Heaven, and we didn't get to say goodbye to her. We're going to write messages for your mommy and attach them to the balloons, and then your mommy will see them in Heaven. She won't be able to write back but she'll know we're thinking about her and that we miss her."
"But I can't write," Beth said, her brow puckering with worry.
Quinn chuckled. "I'll help you, and you can write your name on the bottom, okay? I know you can do that." Beth smiled, placated. "And you remember why we chose purple balloons?" Quinn asked her.
"Because purple's Mommy's favorite color," Beth said shyly.
"That's right," Quinn said, hugging the little girl closer. Santana came to join them and lead them into the group. Kurt passed out pens and small pieces of paper and they all silently wrote their messages to Shelby.
Thank you for taking such good care of Beth, Quinn wrote on her paper. Thank you for loving her, and for being her mommy, and thank you for letting me be a part of her life when I didn't deserve it. I truly believe that you saved me, you saved both of us, and I promise I'll do all I can to make sure Beth always remembers you. I pray that you're at peace. We'll miss you always.
Then Quinn turned her attention back to Beth. "So, what do you want me to write?" she asked.
Beth thought for a moment, her little head cocked to one side.
"Write: I love you, Mommy, and I promise I'll be a good girl. I hope it's nice in Heaven, I miss you and I wanted to say goodbye," Beth instructed finally. Quinn did as she was told, then gave it to Beth to sign her name which the little girl did in messy, uneven letters.
Once everyone was done with their messages they tied them to their balloons, and Santana gathered them all together.
"You want to be the one to let them fly?" Santana asked Beth gently.
"Yes please," Beth replied, clinging tightly to Quinn's hand. Santana gave her the strings, making sure that she was holding on tight before she released her grip.
"Don't let them go just yet," she instructed. "Rachel's going to sing for us."
Rachel stepped forwards into the center of their little circle, surrounded by Blaine and Kurt, Quinn's mom, Rachel's dads, and Quinn and Santana who were flanking Beth. Kurt pressed play on the portable stereo he was holding and music began to pour from the speakers. Rachel opened her mouth and began to sing.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life
Pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word
Oh, we are screaming inside but can't be heard
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life
Pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you
But more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
"Now, baby," Quinn whispered into Beth's ear, lifting the little girl into her arms once more. Achingly slowly, Beth's small fist unfurled, letting go of the balloons. The wind caught them and they rose as Rachel continued to sing, all eyes following their path skyward.
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life
Pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life
Pass you by
Weep not for the memories
As the song finished, Beth buried her head against Quinn's shoulder and started to cry. Quinn held on as tightly as she could, tears spilling over her own cheeks.
"That was perfect," Santana whispered into her ear as she embraced them both. "Shelby would've loved it."
"I hope so," Quinn murmured back, watching the balloons as they floated out of sight.
AN2: song is I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan