Chapter 19

Jack woke to the smell of coffee brewing and the sound of Lucy clanging pans around in the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes and slowly pushed himself from the couch.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Lucy asked apologetically.

"Nah, I'm used to it." He said with a wink. "Sue awake yet?"

"I don't think so." Lucy said crunching her nose.

"What?" Jack asked, making his way to the kitchen for a cup of joe.

"She had a bad night I think. I heard her crying." Lucy said with a sad look on her face.

Jack suddenly looked desperate to help his best friend, but wasn't quite sure how.

The days passed, healing was done physically, but emotionally Sue was beginning to tread water and Jack noticed. He tried not to push, giving her space, but it was hard. Sue seemed to block people out, not wanting to join in. Except for the doctor, Sue hadn't left the apartment. When Lucy or her mom would suggest shopping, she would decline claiming she wasn't feeling up to it.

Sue was loving toward Levi and the kittens, but distant from people. Any human contact. She said repeatedly that she needed space, and time. A week after being home from the hospital, her bitterness faded, if only a little, but she seemed far away more often. Jack did his best to make her comfortable, but nothing was working.

D's wife Donna had stopped over with some cupcakes the kids made for Sue, to make her feel better. Jack and Lucy both could see that Sue didn't want company, but she sat with Donna for a little bit, almost out of duty. She was courteous and let her guard down enough to share a laugh about the children's latest antics, but she wasn't herself.

Jack couldn't just sit back and watch her suffer, he had to do something, or at least try.

"Sue, I have something I need to take care of, will you be alright for a while?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks." Sue said, but the sparkle in her eyes was gone.

"She's just fine Jack." Donna reassured as Jack picked up his coat.

No sooner had the latch on the door caught when Donna sat back on the couch, looked at Sue and asked.

"So, how are you really?"

"Really, I'm fine." Sue said smiling.

"Sue, we don't know each other that well, but I can tell you, you're not fine. You have a sadness in you that shows in your eyes." She said.

"Donna, really, I'm ok. Thanks for your concern, but I'm fine." Sue said.

"Sue, I can't say I know what you've been through, and I pray to God I never do… but I know a little something about loss. I know D told the team we were expecting again a few years ago, and we lost that baby." She paused. "I can only imagine your sense of loss due to losing a part of your body is similar to my feeling of loss after losing the baby." She said sadly.

Sue shook her head, tears filled her eyes. She fought to be able to read Donna.

"We didn't plan that baby… I wasn't sure I wanted another child, although I never admitted that to my husband." She chuckled. "I do know that I didn't think I would get over losing that baby. I was grateful that I was too early to know what it was… I don't think I could handle that." She admitted, tears forming in her eyes. "I had some great friends, and a great counselor to help me through it." She put her hand over Sue's. "If you need someone, I'm always here to talk to." She paused. "Talk to someone Sue, let it out. Sometimes it helps to just hear the words said out loud."

"Thanks Donna." Sue said, letting the tears stain her cheeks as she hugged her. "But you're wrong. I don't think it's the similar." Sue said. "I think losing a child is the worst possible thing someone can have to go through." Sue said sniffling loudly. "Donna, I lost a breast, but I'm fine. I'm going to live. I'm going to go on and get past this…" Sue reassured her.

"I know you will. I'm not convinced you believe the b.s. you're spewing though." Donna said arching an eyebrow in Sue's direction.

"I know I will heal, and I believe that I will be healthy again." Sue said.

"But?" Donna pushed.

"I… I don't know that I'm…" She started.

"You're what?"

"That I'll ever be whole enough… or even just enough for anyone… I'm having a hard time getting past…" Sue began as tears spilled onto her cheeks.

"You don't think you're attractive to men, that because you're missing a breast, men won't want you?" Donna asked.

Sue simply blushed. Donna laughed. She hadn't meant to, but she couldn't hold it in.

"At your age, men want a woman who knows who she is, who's funny and smart, and confident in who she is. You're not 17… it's not just about the sex anymore. At this point, they're looking for a soul mate…" Donna said, Sue smiled. "Sue, if you don't think you're attractive, that men don't look at you 'that way' go to the mall and watch. Go to a local restaurant and watch." She paused. "Watch the next time you're in another room and Jack's around."

Sue's eyes got as round as baseballs.

"You're not going to try to tell me you haven't noticed?" Donna asked.

"Jack and I are just friends." Sue stuttered.

"I know." Donna giggled. "You know, I bet if I were talking to him, I could give him the same exact advice and I'd be right!" She teased. Sue blushed a deep crimson, but didn't deny it. "Sue, I know this is a huge loss for you, and you need to talk to get over it. If you ever want to talk to me, you have my number. If you can't talk to someone you know, find a professional- I did. I can give you her number."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." Sue assured her.

XOXOXOX

Jack walked off the elevator, his eyes scanning the area in front of him. He needed to find her, needed to talk to her. Then, coming around the corner, she stood out like a beacon.

"Anne!" Jack called out.

"Jack! What are you doing here?" She asked hugging him. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes… and no." He said. "Do you have time for lunch, or at least a coffee?"

"Sure, I could do lunch. What's wrong?" She asked. "Kelly, I'm taking lunch, page me if you need me." Anne said slipping her arm in Jack's and heading for the elevator. When the doors finally opened they were at the entrance to the hospital cafeteria. Jack let Anne lead through the buffet line as they each chose their lunches, Jack paid. Anne walked to the far end of the room, choosing the corner table with a view of the walk and flower beds.

"What's going on Jack?" She asked, taking a bite of her salad. Jack thought for a minute, trying to find the right words.

"She's quiet, withdrawn, angry, sad, depressed." He said in barely a huff.

"Yeah?" Anne said with an arched eyebrow. "Jack, I told you about that. I gave you the pamphlets. Did you read them?"

"Yes, but…" He began.

"But, what? Did you think that Sue was any different than any other person who's gone through what she has?" She asked with a chuckle shaking her head. "She's been through hell, and she was lucky with not having to endure treatments or multiple surgeries. Be there for her. Let her process this, whatever way she needs to. If you think she's not making positive progress, get her some professional help."

"It's killing me to watch her like this. She doesn't want to do anything, doesn't want to go anywhere… How do I help?" He asked desperately.

"Just be there for her. Hold her if she cries, but let her cry. Encourage her, push her just a little, and entice her with something she can't refuse." Anne said patting his hand. "I'm here if you need to talk, or Sue for that matter."

"Thanks, you're the best." He said kissing her on the cheek.

"Jack, be prepared, she's going to go through anger and the blues. Some of it will be aimed at you, but not because of you, just because you're there. There will be moments a year from now it will sneak up on her and she'll be bummed again. It's just a process of getting through it. It's like walking through a mud slide. She has to fight and push through the thick mud. There will be places that she can barely breathe because of it, and other's where she's running on top of it. She needs time, give it to her."

"I know you're right in here" He said pointing to his head, "But it's in here" he continued, pointing to his heart "that it's so hard. I just want to help her, but she's determined to go it alone."

"Have you openly offered your help, told her you're there for her, asked her to talk about something specific?" Anne asked. Jack shook his head.

"Not specifically. Do I need to be that particular?" Jack asked.

"If she's being that stubborn, you may have to be. You need to push her out of her comfort zone. You need to step on her toes a little bit. She's head strong and proud. That pride will get in her way if she lets it. Don't let it." Anne said. Suddenly Anne's pager went off. She checked it.

"Gotta run hun. That would be Kelly. I'm here if either of you need me." She said as she gathered up her lunch and disappeared into the closest elevator, leaving Jack to think.