Author's Note: There are quotes taken from Mass Effect 1 (words that all us Shenko fans probably have memorized, or, at least, be able to recognize).

Bioware own all.

It took many hours before Kaidan was able to stand by himself, but, even still, he could only remain on his feet for five to ten minutes before his knees started shaking and he had to sit down for a few minutes. He managed to stand three times before Adria ended up making him quit- something about over-taxing his already battered body. He started to argue, but she gave him a glare that reminded him so much of Shepard that he grumbled a little, but did as she ordered.

He was angry that he had yet to take a step, but he was making slow progress. He just wished that everything would hurry the hell up so he could get back out on the front lines. Of course, he was also to receive Spectre status…if he accepted.

Shepard and Adria both thought that he should accept. It was an amazing offer- to be made the second human Spectre was incredible. It was an honor to be one of the best that humanity had to offer- second only to Shepard (and, well, honestly, there wasn't a single person in the galaxy- criminals' aside- who would get too upset over that).

Still, he was expendable. Him getting stuck in the hospital while the war waged on only proved to drive the point home. The survival of the species in the current cycle didn't rely on his survival or depend on his decisions.

That burden rested on Shepard.

Kaidan knew that she wouldn't complain- wouldn't even, truly, reveal her feeling about the whole mess to anyone. Had he had any common sense, she might have talked to him.

Who would be that anyone had been resurrected, though?

He may be expendable, but Shepard wasn't. That was why Cerberus had spent so many creds bringing her back.

Kaidan flicked on his omni-tool and began reading another file on the Lazarus Project.

The title, alone, made him wince.

Mission Report/Project Lazarus Observation

Horizon

Commander Shepard hit the ground running. Her ground team consisted of Garrus Vakarian (a.k.a. Archangel) and Kasumi Goto, but, truly, they just served to slow the Commander down. For this mission, Shepard was the more focused and determined than I had ever seen from her- and it's not like she's ever not focused and determined.

This mission proved that Shepard is an invaluable asset in the war against the Reapers.

Losing more than half the colony was a big blow to her. After the GARDIAN battery sent the Collector ship away, she just stared at the sky where the ship had sat. From her body language and vital signs (see attachments), she felt as though the mission was a failure- despite saving the other half of the colony.

It wasn't until Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko walked in front of her did her stance of defeat loosen- it was still present, but not nearly to the extent it was before Commander Alenko appeared.

When she and Alenko embraced, it was the first time that Shepard allowed herself to relax. Even in the company of Helmsman Moreau, Doctor Chakwas, and Garrus Vakarian, she remains tense and braced.

Not long after breaking apart, Commander Alenko began accusations against her. For the most part, she took every blow against her pride and loyalty- to both him and the Alliance.

In those minutes, she wasn't Commander Shepard, hero and savior, she was nothing more than a heartbroken woman getting falsely accused- being call a liar.

The most surprising thing that she did was ask him to join her Alenko stared at her for a long moment and I was positive that he would say yes- no one refuses when Shepard asks them to join- unless they're nothing more than civilian's holding a gun. But, he told her no- claiming his loyalty is always to the Alliance.

And he walked away without a single glance back.

I was almost certain that she would run after him and allow him to take her into Alliance custody- abandoning her mission against the Collector's- just to prove that she is the same soldier- same woman- that had commanded the Normandy SR-1. Instead, all she did was follow him with her eyes until he was out of sight. Her shoulders slumped in defeat again as she called for shuttle evac.

My suggestions include having Yeoman Kelly Chambers have a talk with Shepard and double the listening devices in the helm, medbay, and forward battery (it is more likely that she will talk to Mr. Moreau, Dr. Chakwas, and/or Vakarian).

It's easy to forget that Shepard is human- not a robot or an AI Shepard- because of how closed in around herself she is. She listens and talks with her crew and squad, but, then again, EDI can do that as well.

It's the moments when she breaks into a huge smile and hugs a Turian when she figures out that Archangel is really Vakarian, or when someone she loves is on a colony that is being abducted and she fights like hell to save them. The moment when the man she loves takes her pride and stomps it into the ground as he questions her loyalty, integrity, and feelings…and she asks him to join her and, when he spits in her face over the offer, she crumbles- but continues standing strong for her crew and squad.

Those are the moments when her humanity shines through the armor she wears around herself.

(Please see attachments for more information about vital data.)

Kaidan stared down at his omni-tool, feeling like an even huger ass than he did after the Alliance picked him up from Horizon and he had nothing but time to think about what he had said. Even then, he had Adria waiting for him.

But this report, written by the Cerberus Operative that brought Shepard back to him, hurt him more than his memories. Because, despite knowing Shepard, on an emotional level, better than anyone, he hadn't been able to see past the logo on her armor- he ever looked past her N7 stripe.

Words from long ago invaded his mind.

"I think about losing you and I can't stand it. I mean, the galaxy will just keep going- even the Reapers will come again- but, you and I, we are important right now, and this is what will never happen again. Shepard, you make me feel…human," Kaidan had murmured all those years ago.

He had lost her- not in that fight, but a month afterwards-, the galaxy did just keep on going, and the Reapers did come around again. She came back too, though...and he had been given the opportunity for them to happen again.

"Kaidan, you make me feel like I could take on the universe- and, right now, I kinda have to," she had told him.

He hadn't really believed her. It seemed like nothing more than a meaningless endearment. As though he, Kaidan Alenko, was supposed to believe that someone like him could give someone like her that kind of strength.

But, to read how easily and horribly he had been able to hurt her with words spoken out of ignorance and fear…he realized how true her words had been. He was supposed to be her rock- her anchor-…and he had failed her.

Even with his hateful words between them and her heart fractured, she hadn't walled off her heart from him, and, on Mars, he had crushed it again. Once again, it wasn't until he was looking back the he saw the pain that he caused her. She hadn't even tried to hide it- at least not from him…not in that moment.

Oh, she was able to put her hurt aside after a moment of showing pain, but it was always there- from the way she walked to the way she fired her gun at the enemy.

"Shepard," Liara said gently, touching her on the shoulder. "He's dead."

Shepard's Mattock ceased firing as she looked down at the Cerberus soldier, his chest flayed open. Her expression was lost- completely unlike anything he had ever seen from her-. But he recognized it because he had seen it for two years…every time he looked into a mirror.

Kaidan looked at the file still glowing on his omni-tool and winced. That Cerberus Operative knew (knows, he corrected himself) Shepard more than he did. She was able to see the pain that he had caused Shepard…he hadn't.

The thing…the relationship between the two of them had happened so quickly…and ended too soon.

He closed the file quickly as the door to his room opened. Adria and Dr. Michel walked in, each looking grimly down at a couple of datapads.

"Kaidan," Dr. Michel murmured, looking up from her datapad.

He eyed her suspiciously. "Doctor."

"We've just got back the results of one of your tests," Adria explained, looking every inch a doctor. "It's not exactly good news."

"Major," Dr. Michel hesitated. "It's about your biotics."