Chapter 20

Thanks to everyone who took the time to drop a note to let me know what you think of the story. I love hearing from you all. Sadly, I STILL don't own any part of STFBE! Enjoy!

The days passed, each of the team members, those who had become a family for Sue, had made their way to help. Some cooked and hung out. Some cleaned up some, and talked to Sue. Myles even took Levi for a walk in the park.

Bill had gone home, needing to get back to work, but Carla stayed. Jack and Lucy took turns keeping an apartment vigil. Lucy noticed Sue's demeanor becoming more hostile. She was snapping at more people and quicker than in the past.

"Hey…" Lucy said, getting Sue's attention.

"Hi." Sue said in her most cheerful voice.

"You OK?" She asked. Sue nodded. "Are you sure? You're…. snippy…" She began.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be." Sue said sympathetically.

"I know. Sue, if you need to talk…" Lucy offered.

"I'm fine Luce, really…" Sue cut her off.

"OK…" Lucy said deciding to leave the subject alone.

There was a knock on the door of Sue's bedroom. Lucy looked behind her to see Carla entering.

"Sue, sweetheart, would you like to go to lunch? I thought maybe the three of us could have a girl's day out. Since your dad's gone home, we can do some girly stuff without him whining about it." Carla suggested with a laugh.

"Oooo, that sounds like fun!" Lucy agreed. "We could go to that new little spa and get our nails done…"

"Oh, and I heard that little deli is delightful for some lunch… maybe we can catch a movie… or some shopping…" Carla added.

"Thanks, but I don't really feel up to it. Why don't you two go do that though, I'll probably just take a nap." Sue offered.

"Oh, honey, we want you to go with us." Carla insisted.

"No thanks. You two go. You've both been stuck in here with me, get some girl time together and take a break for a while." Sue insisted.

"Sue, we really wanted to go with you. You haven't been out of the house since you came home… you need to get out." Lucy began.

"Look, I don't want to go." Sue snapped. "I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to go out." Sue sighed. "I'm going to bed." She said as she lay down on the bed and pulled the covers over her.

Both women left Sue's bedroom, closing the door behind them.

"I don't know what to do… how to help… I feel so helpless." Carla said as tears fell onto her cheeks. Lucy stopped long enough to hug her.

"Sue has to work this out for herself. She doesn't want our help. At least, not right now." Lucy said trying to comfort her. "Why don't we go and give her some space for a bit? We can get our nails done or just get some lunch…" Lucy suggested.

"Lucy, I think I'm going to find a counselor in town." Carla said.

"Sue won't go for that, unless she's the one to ask for it." Lucy said.

"Not for Sue, for me. I need to find a way to get through to her, or find a way to simply learn to accept that I can't help her and she has to do this by herself." Carla shook her head. "You don't know how much staying out of this is not me…" She said.

Lucy laughed in spite of herself.

"I'm sorry. It's just… well, I have noticed you like to control the outcome of situations." Lucy said honestly, but respectfully. Carla laughed, blushing slightly.

"You'll understand when you have a family of your own." Carla chuckled.

Lucy shuffled through some papers in the desk near the coffee table and pulled out a pamphlet and handed it to Sue's mother.

"Anne gave us this. There's a list of good counselors on the back. Qualified people who can help us deal with all of this. Maybe if we're on the other side, we can guide Sue there too?" Lucy said.

"Maybe…" Carla said, her voice drifting off.

XXXXXXXX

Sue sat alone in her bedroom staring toward her bureau across the room. She was feeling guilty for taking her frustration out on her mom and best friend. She had been honest; she truly wasn't up for a day out, not yet. She wasn't convinced she ever would be. She'd tried to take a nap, but sleep wouldn't keep her safe from her thoughts today.

She stared at the dresser for a long time. The mirror called to her. She tried to ignore its haunting bellow. It was relentless in taunting her. Sue fought the urge, but at last she could ignore it no more. She wasn't sure she was ready to see herself. Not yet. It had been less than two weeks since she'd had the surgery- since her life changed.

Anne had explained the removal area would be swollen and even still be draining at this point. She was afraid to look. Up to this point, Sue would turn her head every time the nurse checked the wound, changed the dressing or cleaned the tubes. Lucy and her mom had been great with helping her. The nurse had encouraged Sue to let others help clean her since the insurance would only pay for a few days, beyond that would be Sue's responsibility. She sat on the bed, her legs crossed under her, taking deep breaths, trying to work up courage.

After what seemed like forever, she worked up enough gumption to push herself from her bed and walk to the reflecting glass on top of her bureau. Her fingers shook as her right arm reached for the buttons on the blouse. Slowly the top fell open as she slid each button from its hole. A nervous breath escaped as she pushed the shirt open on her left side. She reached for the tape holding the sterile dressing over the wound. As she peeled it from her skin, it tore at the tender area making her wince with pain. She let the top of the bandage fall and dangle from the bottom of her chest. She gasped at the vision before her. Tears fell easily on her cheeks, her chin quivered as she examined herself for the first time since before the surgery. The color of the area shocked her- she hadn't expected it to be so yellow, blue and purple. The staples bunched together her skin, pinching it closed. The drains, being held in by a few stitches each, made her shiver. The tears dried some as she examined her body, her new body.

As she stared at the image before her, Jack watched from just outside her door. He hadn't meant to intrude or watch from the shadows. Since her surgery, her team of helpers each had their own keys to let themselves in. They agreed to call ahead to let Sue know they were stopping by. Jack had done just that, and left a message for her when he got her answering service.

When he arrived at her house and didn't see anyone, he assumed she was napping. When he went to check on her, he found himself staring at her reflection in the mirror. The reflection of her body was hidden from his view, and still he watched. He felt guilty for just standing there; watching but he couldn't pull himself away. It broke his heart to watch her in so much mental pain. He wanted to rush to her side and hold her, but Jack understood this was something she needed to do alone.

Sue let the tears fall to her cheeks as she looked at her battered, bruised body. Her hand carefully stroked the skin where her breast once was. She turned to the side and examined her profile, then turned to compare the other side. Slowly she pulled her bandage back up, re-taped it and pulled the blouse back on. She fought with the buttons only able to re-button two, and finally giving up with frustration.

Jack backed away from her door and retreated to the kitchen. He quickly poured a cup of coffee for the both of them. Sue walked from her room and yelped softly with surprise to see Jack.
"I'm sorry." He said. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's OK. I didn't know you were coming." Sue said.

"I left a message." He said.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"Only a few minutes." Jack noticed the blouse. "Want some help?"

She shook her head no, but Jack insisted. He slowly approached her, reaching for her top.

"You OK?" He asked. Her cheeks burned red as she nodded, quickly wiping her dried tears from her cheek.

"I'm fine. I don't like not being able to do for myself." She said.

"It'll come." Jack reassured her as he finished the last button.

"Thanks." Sue said lifting the bottom edge of her shirt.

"Sue, we're here to help, let us." He said. He handed Sue her mug of steaming coffee.

"I'm starting to feel like I'm a burden to everyone. Everyone's waiting on me hand and foot- I'm not sued to that!" She said exasperated.

"Is it too much for you?" If it is, just say so." Jack said leaning against the counter sipping his coffee.

Sue shrugged. "I hate feeling this way." She said.

"I have an idea." He said as he put his drink down. "It always makes me feel better." Jack said smiling.

"What's that?" Sue asked tentatively.

"Fresh air." He answered. He handed her a zip up sweatshirt. "Feel up to a walk? Come on." He encouraged her heading to the door.

"Jack…" Sue hesitated. "Should I?"

"We'll only go a little way. If you start feeling tired, we'll come back." He promised. Sue looked unsteady, but not physically. Jack watched helplessly as her self-doubt overtook her.

"I- I don't think so…" She whispered.

"Sue, come on, it'll do you some good to get out of the apartment." He said.

"I'm-I'm not ready." She said softly. Jack looked at her curiously as a tear made its way down her cheek.

"Oh." He paused. "Sue, you can wear my zip up, no one will notice anything." He assured.

"What if they do? I'm not ready to answer questions." She said, her voice a bit louder, faster, more nervous. "I can't handle it if anyone stared at me." She said- her tears gone.

"No one will stare because no one will notice." Jack said.

"Another time, alright?" She asked. "Please?"

"Yeah, alright. Maybe in a few days we can take a walk in the park." He suggested.

"Yeah, maybe." She agreed.

Just then Lucy and Carla walked through the door. Sue smiled. It was enough to fool her mother, but not Lucy.

"Are you hungry Jack?" Carla asked, taking some bags into the kitchen. Once her back was to the group Lucy asked Jack:

"She OK?" Jack shrugged and waved his fingers in front of his eyes, indicating that Sue was bored, to which Lucy chuckled.

"I'm going to take Levi for a jog with me. I'll be back in a half an hour or so. That OK?" He asked Sue. She smiled approvingly.

"What are we having?" Sue asked.

"Roast chicken." Carla replied "With red bill garlic potatoes and corn."

Sounds great. What can I do?" Sue asked.

"Nothing dear, Lucy and I have this." Carla reassured her.

"I want to help. I can help!" Sue argued.

"Can you wash the potatoes and see if you can quarter them." Lucy suggested. If it's too much say so." Sue smiled, grateful to be of some use. She was able to wash, and quarter most of them.

Carla prepped the chicken, Lucy chopped the garlic and onions and put the corn in the pan.

"Why don't you two girls go relax. I'll finish up in here." Cara said.

"Mom…" Sue began.

"No arguments, go." Carla insisted.

"Let us help." Lucy argued.

"There's nothing left to do. I'm going to put the bird in the oven and turn on the pan for the potatoes." Carla said.

Lucy grabbed a bottle of water for both of them.

"How are you feeling." Lucy asked as she pushed Sue into the other room.

"Helpless." Sue confessed. "I'm sick of being helpless." She whined.

"Let's do some exercises with that arm, it'll get you that much closer to independence." She said.

"Uggh- fine." She agreed. Lucy took Sues arm and began to stretch it out in front of her and then to her side, then above her head. Sue did her stretching for a few minutes then she wanted to quit. Lucy urges her to keep going. After another five minutes, Sue needed to rest.

"Who would have thought this would be so painful and tiring?" Sue said wincing in pain.

"You need to push yourself. You're not going to get better if you don't. Anne said it's hard work but if you want to get back to work…"

"I know- I know…" Sue said rolling her eyes.

So, how was your visit with Jack?" Lucy asked smiling.

"It was OK. He wasn't here long before you got back home." Sue said casually.

"Next time I'll keep your mom out longer." She giggled and Sue scolded her.

"He wanted me to go for a walk with him." Sue said.

"So, why didn't you?" Lucy asked.

"I'm not ready to go out in public yet." Sue explained.

"Sue, I won't pretend to understand what you're dealing with but you need to get back to real life at some point. You need to get back into the world." Lucy said hesitantly.

"I don't know if I can handle it yet. Maybe in a couple of days." Sue said, making excuses.

"Sue, maybe it's time you called someone to talk to. Someone who can help you get past this, at least enough to go buy new shoes with me…" She paused. "I love your mom, but she really doesn't fill in for my best friend." She giggled. "And, I shiver to think what she would pick out for me to wear with that new dress."

"What new dress?" Sue asked curiously.

"The one you're going to go with me to buy or my hot date with Tony." Lucy said excitedly.

"EEEEKKK… you have a date with Tony?" Sue squealed.

"Well, no, not yet, but if he doesn't ask me out for this weekend, I'm going to ask him!" She laughed, Sue joined her. "It's good to see you laughing."

"Feels good to laugh." Sue said.

"What do you think, want me to look into finding someone to talk to?" Lucy offered.

"Not quite yet. Maybe I'll see how I feel in a few days." Sue said scrunching her nose. "Maybe I can use one of Jack's big zip up sweatshirts, and a jacket… at night a walk in the park wouldn't be bad, I guess." Sue said biting her bottom lip between her teeth.

"See… nothing to worry about. Jack can take Levi for you, and you guys can walk around under the bright moon and hundreds of stars sparkling over your heads, casting a romantic glow…." She began.

"OK! Enough… Besides…. If the moon's full, we won't be able to see the hundreds of stars you speak of." Sue said as she flipped her hair and walked into her room leaving Lucy alone in the living room.