AN: Here's today's instalment, a little earlier than usual. Please read all the way to the end of this chapter before judging. The chapter title is important. That's all I'll say.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Nothing is Certain
Nine weeks after the court hearing…
The knocking on the door grew more insistent as Quinn steadfastly ignored it. Whoever was outside wasn't giving up but neither was Quinn. Whoever it was, Quinn had no intention of talking to them. Not for the first time, she wished they'd moved to an apartment with an entrance buzzer. It was all moot now anyway, they could move wherever they liked – maybe to a deserted island where no one would be able to bother them. Quinn turned up the volume on the TV although she had no idea, nor did she care, what show was playing. She didn't much care about anything these days.
The day of the court hearing…
"Please, be seated," Judge Dean said, his gaze sweeping the room over each of them in turn. His piercing blue eyes lingered on Quinn, just for a second, but in that moment she knew what was coming. The judge sighed. "I am in the unenviable position of having to choose between two sets of prospective parents for Beth Corcoran," he began, his cool gaze surveying them all. "In making a decision, it is of paramount importance that we remember that there is a child at the center of this. A child who is grieving the loss of her mother. A child whose well-being is the primary concern of this court. Both parties present here today have clearly demonstrated their desire to undertake guardianship of Beth."
"Huh," muttered Santana under her breath. No one other than Quinn who was sitting beside her would have heard, but the look of disdain on her face was apparent to all. The judge paid her no heed as he continued.
"I have reviewed all of the documentation – including background checks on both parties, supporting statements from family and friends, financial records, and living arrangements. I have listened to all of the testimony you have given today. Since her mother's death, Beth Corcoran's biological mother, Quinn Fabray has been her temporary guardian." He now began to address Quinn directly. "Ms. Fabrary, it is admirable that you have made adjustments in your life to accommodate Beth's needs. You have changed apartments, and adapted both your work and college schedules, as has your fiancée. You care for Beth a great deal, and you have been a consistent presence in her life for the past year." Next, the judge turned his attention to Oliver. "Mr. Corcoran, we have heard testimony from you about your desire to undertake guardianship of your niece. By your own admission, you have not been the active presence in her life that Ms. Fabray has, but you are Beth's only living legal relative. You have raised two well-adjusted, articulate and intelligent children – I have read their supporting statements of your custody application. Shelby Corcoran left a will appointing you Beth's guardian in the event of her death. That will was written shortly after Beth's adoption was finalized and before Ms. Fabray re-entered Beth's life. It is however, an important factor to consider. I believe Ms. Fabray's testimony that Beth is, for the most part, happy and well-adjusted under Ms. Fabray's care. The written statement from Beth's pre-school teachers would also support this supposition. Removing her from her present environment will undoubtedly cause some distress, however I have to weigh up short term distress against the long term implications. Under the letter of the law, Oliver Corcoran is, due to Shelby's wishes, Beth's legal guardian. In order to overturn this, I would have to see compelling evidence that Ms. Fabray would make a more appropriate guardian. Were Beth just a few years older, we could ask her where she would choose to live, however she is four years old, and as such, we need to make a decision for her based on her best interests. Which brings me back to where I started. Both Mr. Corcoran and Ms. Fabray have the resources to provide a loving and stable home for the child. I therefore have no grounds to overturn Shelby's wishes and I hereby appoint Oliver Corcoran as Beth Corcoran's legal guardian."
It was over, they had lost. Quinn barely heard the remainder of the judge's statement. She was vaguely aware of him outlining a visitation schedule in response to Ethan's motion – two weeks in the summer and a telephone call once a month. It was a drop in the ocean. Beside her, Santana shook with silent sobs but Quinn was beyond tears. She felt numb and detached from the proceedings.
"I would like to take my niece home with me as soon as possible." Oliver's smug voice snapped Quinn out of her daze. She glared at him defiantly. He appeared unruffled, and even slightly amused.
"I agree," Judge Dean said, looking directly at Quinn once again. "There is no point in prolonging the situation. It will only result in greater distress for all concerned. I will request that child services collect the child from Ms. Fabray's apartment at three o'clock tomorrow afternoon."
Three o'clock. Quinn automatically glanced at the wall clock behind the judge's head. It was twelve forty-five now, and that meant she only had a little over twenty-six hours left to spend with her daughter. A new thought entered her head – how the hell was she supposed to explain this to Beth? The little girl was going to feel that Quinn had betrayed her, and maybe she would be right to think that. Maybe Quinn had betrayed her the moment she signed the adoption papers and gave up the right to ever be Beth's mother.
"Quinn?" Ethan's hand was firm on her shoulder as he shook her gently. "It's time to go." Santana was on her feet already, her arms wrapped around her middle as she continued to cry. Oliver, his lawyer, and the judge were nowhere to be seen – Quinn hadn't noticed them go. She stood up and Santana flung herself into her arms. Quinn staggered slightly under the unexpected weight.
"It's okay," she heard herself say flatly as her hand came up to stroke Santana's hair. "Ssh, don't cry." Santana only sobbed harder.
The waiting room was a blur, when Quinn thought back on it later. The shock, disappointment, and sadness on their friends and families faces was the only thing she could remember. She didn't recall their comforting words, although she was certain they had offered them. She did have a very clear recollection of handing Santana off to her mother and wanting to be alone – she didn't want anyone to touch her – but from that moment on it was pretty much a blank until she, Santana, and Judy got back to the apartment.
Santana's tears had dried up by now, but she was watching Quinn carefully as though expecting her to shatter at any moment. Judy busied herself making tea for them all, but Quinn refused to drink it.
"I need to pack her things," she said, more to herself than anyone else in the room. She stood up and walked to Beth's bedroom without looking back at her mother or her fiancée. On automatic pilot she began to fold Beth's clothes carefully into a suitcase. Her toys would largely need to be boxed up and shipped at a later date, but Quinn selected a few of her favorites for her to take straight away. She left Beth's worn stuffed bunny out of the case – the little girl would want to take that with her on the plane. As she worked, she became aware of voices drifting through the slightly open doorway.
"What am I supposed to say to her?" Santana was asking tearfully. "I can't make this any better for her."
"No, but you can be there for her," Judy's voice was sad but calm. "She's going to need you, Santana. She won't stay closed off forever. Right now she's trying to avoid feeling anything because that way nothing can hurt her. It's what she does, you've seen it before, but she can't keep it up indefinitely."
Anger flared deep inside Quinn. She was trying to be strong, and her mother and fiancée thought she was in denial. So she wasn't screaming and sobbing and tearing her hair out – what good would that do? It would only scare Beth and Quinn was determined not to let anything spoil her last night with her daughter.
She pushed open the door and stomped into the living room, ignoring her mother and Santana. If they wanted to talk about her that was fine but she didn't have to stay and listen. She picked up her keys and her purse from the dining table.
"I'm going to pick up Beth from pre-school," she announced without turning around to see the two worried pairs of eyes she could feel boring into her back.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Santana asked gently.
"No," Quinn replied shortly. Without another word, she walked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind her.
As always, Beth was thrilled to see Quinn when she arrived at the pre-school. She handed off her back-pack, lunch box, juice bottle, and several large abstract looking drawings – only pausing to say hi once Quinn was sufficiently laden down.
"I thought I was going to Alana's?" she asked as she walked hand-in-hand with Quinn down the steps in front of the building.
"I changed my mind," Quinn told her brightly. "I thought you and I could do something special instead. Just the two of us. Would you like that?"
Beth nodded eagerly but then frowned. "But what about Tana?"
"She won't mind," Quinn said, forcing herself to smile. "Besides, I want you all to myself. So, what would you like to do?"
"Can we go to the dinosaur museum?" Beth asked, tugging on Quinn's hand and jumping up and down excitedly, her blonde curls bouncing wildly.
Her question hit Quinn like a punch in the stomach. The Natural History Museum was one of the first places she'd ever taken Beth alone. The little girl must have picked up on her reticence because she stopped bouncing and suddenly looked worried. Quinn steeled herself for what was certain to be the most difficult afternoon of her life before answering.
"Of course we can," she said animatedly, with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. She had to make this afternoon a positive memory for Beth. "Whatever you like. And I thought we could go out to dinner afterwards too. If you're good, you can choose anything you want for dessert."
It was past Beth's usual bedtime when Quinn carried her sleeping daughter through the door to their apartment. Judy was gone but Santana was sitting on the couch, her body language throwing off waves of anxiety as she leapt to her feet.
"Where have you been?" she demanded, crossing the room quickly to take the sleeping four year old from Quinn's arms so that her fiancée could remove her coat. "I was worried about you."
"I'm sorry," Quinn said wearily. Her anger had abated and now she just felt tired – bone-tired. "I just wanted to spend some time with her." As she spoke, she realized that she'd been somewhat selfish, keeping Santana from spending a precious few hours with Beth. "I'm sorry," she said again.
"It's okay," Santana said softly, and Quinn knew that her fiancée understood. "I was worried about you, that's all. I've been trying to call you all afternoon and you didn't answer. I thought…" She trailed off and Quinn suddenly realized how her disappearance must have seemed to Santana.
"You thought I'd done something stupid," she acknowledged with a sigh. "Santana, I wouldn't. I would never." She paused to look at the peaceful four year old in Santana's arms. "Let's get her to bed and then we can talk?" she suggested tiredly.
Together, they took Beth into her bedroom. Santana took off the little girl's shoes and socks while Quinn found some pajamas that she hadn't packed yet. She noticed that Beth's suitcase was gone – Santana must have put it in their bedroom whilst she was out. Once Beth was undressed and clad in a pair of fluffy flannel pajamas, they tucked her into bed and kissed her goodnight. She didn't even stir, she was so exhausted by the day's activities.
Quinn allowed Santana to take her hand and lead her into the living room.
"Come sit with me?" the brunette begged softly. "Please?" Quinn acquiesced, feeling like a puppet as Santana guided her to the couch and sat her down before curling into her side. "You scared me, Q," Santana murmured, stroking Quinn's hair softly, tucking the silky strands behind her ear. "Talk to me, please?"
"And say what?" Quinn asked sadly. "What can I say that will make any of this better?" She glanced up and saw that Santana was looking at her intently, her dark eyes full of pain. "I don't want to talk about it," she said with a sigh. "I don't want to feel it. Not yet."
"Does she know?" Santana wanted to know.
Quinn bit down hard on her lower lip and shook her head. "No. I'll tell her in the morning. I just wanted her to have one last fun day before…" Her voice broke and she felt tears bubbling up but she forced them back down, jumping to her feet as though she'd been burned. It was too much to deal with and she wasn't ready for it. "I'm tired," she announced suddenly. "I'm going to bed."
Without waiting for Santana to respond, she stalked into the bedroom and shut the door behind herself. She stripped off her clothes quickly and quietly and climbed under the blankets. It was a long time before she felt the mattress shift as Santana climbed into bed beside her. Wordlessly, Quinn rolled over and took the brunette in her arms, a silent apology. She still wasn't willing to let go yet – there would be time enough after Beth was gone to fall apart. For now, she had to be strong, even if it hurt Santana or herself in the process.
With the morning came the most difficult conversation Quinn had ever had to have in her life. She had no idea how to even broach the subject. In the end, she decided upon the direct approach after Beth brought it up.
"Why am I not going to pre-school today?" Beth asked, realizing that she should have been out of the apartment by now. She was sitting on the floor in front of the TV and shows were coming on that she didn't usually get to see. Quinn and Santana exchanged nervous glances. They couldn't put off telling Beth any longer.
"Sweetie, come sit with me and Santana," Quinn instructed, patting the couch next to her. Beth sat down between them and looked from one to the other expectantly. "Beth," Quinn began slowly, "yesterday, Santana and I went to see a judge. Do you know what a judge does?"
"Uh huh," Beth said with a nod. "He sends people to prison when they're bad."
Quinn smiled sadly. "Sometimes, yes, but that's not why we went to see the judge. You know sometimes at pre-school when two children get into an argument over a toy and the teacher decides who gets it?" Beth nodded again. "Well, sometimes when grown-ups have an argument because they both want something, we go to a judge and he decides." She frowned, feeling like she wasn't explaining herself very well. "Do you remember your Uncle Oliver? He came to our old apartment and you met him at the park?" she continued and Beth's eyes narrowed. "He has a big house with a garden and two children of his own, and he wants you to go stay with him. He loved your mommy very much and he loves you too." It broke Quinn's heart to utter those words, especially when she didn't truly believe them, but she couldn't let Beth know that. Beth was already looking worried as she started to understand what Quinn was telling her. "Santana and I love having you here with us," Quinn said, trying to keep her voice from trembling, "but the judge thinks that you belong with your uncle."
"But I want to stay with you!" Beth cried in anguish. "I don't want to go with him. I live here. I don't want a new house and a garden. You tell the judge no." She had jumped off the couch and was standing in front of Quinn and Santana, her tiny hands balled into fists and her chin jutting out defiantly.
"Baby, I wish I could but when a judge tells you to do something you have to do it," Quinn said softly. "But it won't be so bad. You get to come visit us in the summer and we'll talk on the phone."
"No!" Beth cried again, stomping her foot. "I'm not going. I'm staying here!" She started to wail and Quinn looked at Santana desperately as she sank to her knees to gather the little girl in her arms. Beth struggled against her, her small fists beating at whatever part of Quinn she could reach. Santana hurried to catch her hands before she could inflict too much damage on Quinn and together they held her as she cried.
Eventually Beth's tears abated, more from sheer exhaustion than acceptance, but in some ways her quiet and withdrawn behaviour was even worse. She glared at Quinn and Santana with reproachful eyes, refusing to talk to them, and withdrawing from them physically. She curled into a ball on the couch and sucked her thumb, which was something Quinn hadn't seen her do in weeks.
No matter what they tried, neither Quinn nor Santana could get through to her.
"I don't want you!" she screamed, the one and only time she broke her silence, when Quinn tried to put an arm around her to comfort her. "I want my mommy!"
The hands on the clock moved ever nearer to three o'clock and Quinn was finding it harder and harder to quell the panic that was rising up inside her. In much the same way as Beth, Quinn felt trapped inside her own little bubble, unable to accept comfort from Santana. The three of them moved around the apartment in isolation, each lost in their own thoughts.
Then it was three o'clock and there was a knock on the apartment door. Beth suddenly sprung into life, running to Quinn and leaping into her arms, wrapping her arms around Quinn's neck so tightly that she could barely breathe.
"Don't let them take me," she sobbed in Quinn's ear as Santana reluctantly moved to let the social workers in. "Please, I'll be good, I promise, please let me stay with you?"
"I can't, baby," Quinn said as all the walls she'd built started to crumble. She could feel the flood of emotions start to overwhelm her but she had to hold on a little longer for Beth's sake. "You be a good girl for your Uncle Oliver, okay? I love you so much. Never forget that. I love you. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." As she spoke she walked towards the social workers, feeling like her knees would buckle on every step. The social workers were a young dark haired woman, no more than twenty-five, and tall black man in his thirties. Both looked sympathetic but they were here to do a job so they maintained a calm and professional air as they showed Santana their identification and the court order. The male social worker took Beth's suitcase, and the female social worker walked up to Beth and Quinn and placed her hand on Beth's small, trembling back.
"Hello Beth, I'm Abby," she said gently. "You're going to come with me and I'm going to take you to your uncle."
Beth began to sob again, refusing to look at anyone and clinging to Quinn for all she was worth. It took every ounce of strength from both Quinn and Santana to prise her grip from around Quinn's neck. Beth yanked a handful of Quinn's hair out of her head in her desperation to hold on but Quinn barely felt a thing. Before she could grab hold again, Quinn thrust her at the surprised social worker.
"Take her," she sobbed as her resolve failed her. "Please, just take her." Her teeth were chattering as she wrapped her now empty arms around herself, and in an instant, Santana's arms were around her too. Hot tears spilled down her cheeks and she buried her head against Santana's shoulder.
They could hear Beth's screams all the way down the corridor before they faded away. Without even bothering to close the front door, Quinn and Santana sank to the floor and cried in each other's arms.
Nine weeks later…
Life had gone on after losing Beth to Oliver, of course, but it hadn't been easy. As the days passed, blending into one another, Quinn went about her day to day existence, but the gaping hole Beth had left in her life couldn't be filled. Beth had lived with Quinn and Santana for nine short weeks, but in that time she'd turned their lives upside down.
Quinn had often found herself thinking that after nine weeks without Beth it should get easier – after all, then she'd have been gone longer than she'd been with them. But now the nine week marker had arrived and she didn't feel any different.
Santana had been the one in the beginning who forced Quinn out of bed in the mornings, made her eat and shower and go to school and work until it became second nature again. It had brought them closer than ever, although there'd been times when Quinn thought they'd never make it through.
But they had made it through, and Quinn knew now that their relationship was strong enough to survive anything. They'd even started learning how to have fun again, although everything still had a slightly artificial tinge to it, and Quinn was still reluctant to spend too much time around other people, preferring just to be in Santana's company.
That morning, Quinn had persuaded Santana to go for a run with her through Central Park, as they'd done regularly when they'd first started dating. Santana hadn't been keen until Quinn made a few pointed jibes about Santana's stamina during sex, and suddenly she'd been all for it. It was a brilliant spring morning, and the exercise and fresh air had made a welcome change for both of them.
Now back in the apartment, Santana was taking a shower and Quinn was lost in her own thoughts. It was May 1st, just a couple of weeks until the end of the semester and Beth's fifth birthday. That knowledge was making it harder than usual for Quinn to keep from dwelling on the past.
Then came the knock on the door.
Whoever was outside could obviously hear the TV because they weren't giving up but Quinn steadfastly refused to move from her spot on the couch.
"For Heaven's sake, Q, can't you hear that?" Santana emerged from the bathroom dripping wet and wrapped in a towel as she hurried to answer the persistent pounding on the door. Sighing, Quinn turned the TV off. It's not like she was watching it anyway.
"Santana Lopez?" The voice of the person at the door was unfamiliar but for some reason it caught Quinn's attention. She padded over to the door, still wearing her sweaty running gear, her hair in a messy and slightly damp ponytail. "And you must be Quinn. I'd recognize those eyes anywhere." A petite blonde woman stood in their doorway, immaculately dressed in a cornflower blue dress that matched her eyes perfectly. The woman offered Quinn a smile, but Quinn remained guarded.
"Can we help you?" she asked cautiously.
"I hope so," the woman said, nodding her head slightly and flashing her perfect white teeth. She was softly spoken and her demeanour was friendly but something about her screamed confidence and poise. "I should introduce myself. My name is Anabelle Corcoran, and I wanted to talk to you about Beth. I have a proposition for you that I think you'll want to hear."