Chapter 28: Eren
Chapter TextIt all stops. No more walking. No more pulling at me to keep me walking. No more rushing for me to get to the car. It's like everything stops as the pain goes through me. One. Two. Three. It hits. It strikes me down and it's like I'm shot from behind. It pushes me forward a little as I suddenly fall down to my knees... and then to my ass. Like a lifeless doll, it's like I can't even feel my own body anymore. Like a black hole taking place in my chest, I'm swallowed by the pain... by the absence and then, just then, when I open my mouth to scream... It pours out of me like a river and I can't breathe. It won't stop spilling.
It all stops. No more walking. No more pulling at me to keep me walking. No more rushing for me to get to the car. It's like everything stops as the pain goes through me. One. Two. Three. It hits. It strikes me down and it's like I'm shot from behind. It pushes me forward a little as I suddenly fall down to my knees... and then to my ass. Like a lifeless doll, it's like I can't even feel my own body anymore. Like a black hole taking place in my chest, I'm swallowed by the pain... by the absence and then, just then, when I open my mouth to scream... It pours out of me like a river and I can't breathe. It won't stop spilling.
I'm bleeding... Fuck! I'm losing blood. So much blood. I'm dying. I should be dying, but my shirt isn't soaked in blood when I grab it in my fist and there is no hole going through me. There's nothing. It's not me... It's Levi.
Blood isn't pouring out of my mouth and I'm not drowning in it... I'm just screaming so much, I can't even breathe. No. I'm not even screaming. I howl to Levi like a wolf does it to the moon.
I howl until I can't hear them freaking out anymore. I howl until I can't even feel their grip under my arms to drag me toward the car. I howl until I'm starting to feel dizzy. I howl until I feel better... but, I don't, so I howl until they stuff my mouth with some cloth.
And, I thrash around until they knock me out because I'm too much.
-X-
I feel like a withered flower... I'm dry. I'm dying. Their voices around the bed are just an annoying buzzing. Like bees. They work. They get my dry body on the bed and I feel like I'm about to fall apart when they lift me up. I recognize a needle and I'd normally freak the fuck out when they try to touch me... to push it through my skin to inject me with whatever. I would if I wasn't so fucking broken apart. I would if I wasn't giving up again. I would if I wasn't just an empty shell on that bed... seeing them like I'm watching a distant movie.
You know what? I just don't care anymore. They can do whatever they want. I don't even feel the pinch on my skin where the needle bites. I feel the ache in my chest like there's something broken... No. Missing. Just that. I don't feel any more than that. Nothing else. I am that hole. It swallowed me... and it doesn't matter anymore. I'm done crying. I can't even cry anymore. I'm dead already. I know the patterns now. The room with nothing other than a bed and a basic bathroom, I've been there before. I've been in this situation before and I remember too well. I know how this goes. I know how it ends. It won't happen again. I know better this time.
Levi is dead.
-X-
I'm left alone. Then, someone comes. I do not see Hanji, but I hear her name among the conversations they have when they're in the room. Hanji said this. Hanji wants us to do this... and I don't pay attention. I wonder how long it's been, but I never ask. I think it's been days, but it might just be because I feel like time isn't going by fast. It probably isn't days. I'm not hungry... yet. They didn't bring me food. They brought a lot of needles and other machines and, each time I open my eyes... The room felt more like a hospital room than anything else.
And, as it grows more into a hospital room... The feeling of dread increases.
More.
And more.
And then, just as I realize that I am less sleepy, the door opens again. Refill? Yeah, a refill of the drug to get me to sleep I assume..., but I'm not sleepy and I'm too conscious for my own good. Eyes wide open to the white room and closing the moment the two figures get in sight. Not hazy enough to ignore the words exchanged above my head... and thinking this is just going to be another stupid conversation I don't care about.
It starts like one. It really does.
''He's been very calm ever since he got here... I'll reduce the dose a little.''
And I really don't care about that. Just make me sleepy. Just make it so strong that it fucking kills me or something... I don't care. I don't even want to be awake... I don't want to hear about the bullshit you'll be trying to get me to swallow later like you did back then. Where's Hanji? She's preparing something... right? Right?
I won't fall for this again.
''I heard the alarm of the higher level went off... ''
I won't fall for this again.
''Yeah... but, it's probably nothing to worry about.''
Exactly. That's right. It's nothing. Probably a false alert... or something, but the first voice speaks again. Low. So low, it's barely a whisper, but the quiet room lets me hear it: ''I heard they lost some men when they went to get the boy though...''
No. Stop it. I won't... I won't fall for this again. NEVER AGAIN.
''What if they came back for him?''
I won't fall for this again!
-X-
Ring.
You can ring all you fucking want...
Ring.
I won't fall for this again...
Ring.
It isn't the alarm. It's not because there's an intruder. It's because something is going wrong somewhere, but it doesn't have anything to do with me. Levi is dead. Stop trying to mess with my head.
Leave me alone!
-X-
It is 1:04. That's exactly the time I see on the clock at the end of the hallway when I dare to look outside... It nearly took me 30 minutes to give up and step outside the room after I heard the familiar lock of the door. The door was opening and letting the alarm ring even louder in my ears, but no one was entering the room with me. I didn't even hear footsteps. I heard nothing... just the loud ringing that wouldn't stop. I could've walked out of the room right that instant, but I didn't. I didn't want to believe this. I didn't want to accept this. They were definitely trying to fool me... There was no way... and I wouldn't fall for this again.
So, I waited. I wrapped myself under the blanket and I covered my head with my pillow... and I covered my ears with my hands even though it caused the needles in my arms to sting. Everything, but this fucking sound.
It didn't stop.
And curiosity got the best of me.
The floor is cold under my feet... and my legs are a lot weaker than I thought they would be. I find myself walking against the wall to steady myself. The ground shaking once in a while really doesn't help. The needles that I roughly got out of my arms left marks and caused a little bit of bleeding, but I wipe it with the stupid shirt I have on... or is it a dress? It's way too thin and it's way too cold in here, but I can't find it in me to go back to my room to wrap myself up in blankets. Just like I avoid thinking about the door on the other end of the corridor... the one door that is probably leading out... out to what?
I avoid it. I don't even look at it. I take a look at every room in the hallway and I find them all empty, but I refuse to look until it is the last one and my legs feel a lot more steady already even though I'm not clear of the drug at all. I'm still dizzy. I'm still not in my normal state, but I can walk better... faster. If anything happens, I should be able to let go of the wall.
Probably.
I'll be fine... It's just exploration. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't imply that I have to let go of Levi or anything. It's just curiosity. I know Levi is dead and I won't fall for their trap, I'm just checking. Just that. The door is opening and there's nothing scary on the other side... after all, the worst happened already, right? It's just another room... It's just another hallway.
That's what I tell myself, anyway.
But, the floor could have dropped and it would have had the same feeling as the sight welcoming me when I enter this one room... because, right there... Right in front of me... Breaking through the suspended hallway... stands an immense Titan.
The shape of his body... his eyes and then, his incredible mouth with a row of teeth. I back away until my back hits the door again and I refuse to let my eyes off of him. Off of his mouth and the grotesque shape it has, like a smile. Creepy. Terrible. A fucking smile, like he's happy to see me and he's eager to eat me. His hand comes for me through the opening he managed to make and I press myself against the wall until the door opens and I fall to my ass on the other side. Fingers get caught in the opening and I crawl back on the floor until I'm positive that I am out of range.
Although it doesn't last... Loud shattering reaches my ears and then, the hand reach further. So much further. Fuck. No. Move back. More. Back out! More! I don't make it. I don't even realize he caught me until I feel my feet off the ground... pulled by the shirt. I pull at the shirt in an attempt to get it off. I throw my fist at the fingers and I refuse to look at the room below me... at the mouth below me.
Oh my god... Why am I dying to Titans in this Era? They shouldn't even be here! This is so unfair. I survived. I killed them in the past and now, I'm here... I'm useless. I'm like a little doll in their hands again. I'm fighting even though it's useless. Humans can't fight them with their fists. Humans fight them with weapons... and I...
I fought them as a Titan.
It goes through me in a rush... like a movie on fast-forward. I remember the biting. I remember Levi's squad biting their hands to speak to me with their actions... louder than words. I remember the boulder on my shoulder when I tried to block the gate. I remember the thundering sound going off in my ears when I transformed... and how I just wouldn't fucking die.
Next thing I know, blood pours into my mouth for real this time and my teeth tear through the flesh like a fruit.
-X-
10 th time... or is it the 11 th ? Maybe it's the 12 th . I'm not sure. My hand is covered in blood... and I can't get my body to transform fully. At best, I get my hand to transform and I get to shield myself a little for when they try to hurt me... and that's how I managed to free myself.
... And attract more Titans in the process, of course.
My back hits the wall again. My head slams against it. Fuck. It hurts and it's ringing in my ears... and it's not the alarm. Damn it. It takes me a second or two before I get my things together again. I look up to four Titans now and I see more of them coming... joining them through some wall falling apart, because this whole place is falling apart now. If I ever wondered why the floor was shaking earlier, that must have been why... Titans running around and buildings never made a good pair, to be honest. I stand back. I pull myself back up against the wall and I pull like crazy to get my hand out of the damn Titan's hand I have... only to fall back on my ass and hit my head against the wall. Again.
Ouch! Fuck! That one was hard. I'm breathless. Transforming is so hard... and now it's painful. I'm tired. I can't close my eyes. Not yet. I can't die like this. There is no way I'll let myself get eaten. There's no way a fucking Titan will kill me. I will kill them! Not the other way around.
So, here I am, standing back up against them and I yell even though my throat is dry and my voice is rough:
" I'LL KILL YOU ALL! "
-X-
When I try to recall exactly what I did as a Titan, it's never really clear... It's always a blur of images... or fighting and Titans smashed under my fist and my feet. I'm not really sure how many I killed either. I just know there's a lot of steam all around when I finally get myself out of this form. It's not too hard. Still doable. Next time, I doubt I'll get out of it. The room is burning up and I don't really care where I go... I just go through the first door I find in an attempt to get a little bit of my strength back because I'm really tired. Really, really tired.
I don't pay attention and I don't care if I'm going outside or not. I don't look forward to leaving this place. I don't even plan on leaving... There's nothing for me outside. Levi isn't there. I have no house to go back to... and I'll never get that house by the water with him. I tell myself I have a family now, but I can't really tell myself that I belong now that I know I'm not even from this world. My world, my era... everything is far away from here. Just like the Titans, I shouldn't even be here anyway. So, I walk and I search for more Titans to kill without caring about the exit or my own survival.
And, as if I was guided to it... I find myself in front of a pair of blue eyes I never thought I'd see again.
She says my name experimentally... like she's testing her own voice. It's quiet. It's raspy. It still remains her usual emotionless voice, but her eyes shine with the closest thing to emotion I've ever seen in her. Almost like... Almost like curiosity.
" I knew that growl was familiar... " She says.
" Why are you... awake? "
" You look like you can barely walk... let alone transform again. "
" Why did you wake up now? "
" What's this sound? It's so loud. " What? The alarm? She cringes. She covers her ears as if proving her point, but I still don't listen to her. If she would just answer my questions!
But then, just then, it strikes me as odd that she isn't straight out lashing out at me to attack me... to eat me... to take me away. She just stands there and I realize she might look a little bit more out of it than I'm used to... and...
" Do you even remember what happened? "
" I'm in the Military Police and I..."
" You don't... " Pause. Oh my god... She doesn't remember everything. She's a little bit confused as to what happened to her. She didn't notice how she turned to crystal either. Just like me, she... probably wouldn't even notice. " This isn't like the walls... We're... You slept for thousands of years. The Military Police don't exist anymore... Everyone is... "
" Dead ," she finishes and I nod carefully... I always liked Annie and I always thought she was a smart girl, but I just can't let my guard down when she's right there in front of me and I know she's the female Titan. I know what she is... She still is. "My village too..."
Silence... Pause. I don't want to think about what her village brought to my life... to Levi, to Mikasa... To me. The words are harder to say than I thought they would be.
" Most likely... not there anymore. "
She's a human girl too, after all... and I see the closest thing to sadness I've ever seen in her face... and, for some reason, I feel it reach over to my heart... squeezing it until I get teary eyes again. No. I won't cry again. I'm done with this. I'm dying in this place... and, maybe, it's for the best. No more Titans. No more shitty experiments. If I get reborn, then I'll be just a boy.
And she'll be just a girl again.
If I get reborn, we can be friends. If I get reborn, I'll just search for Levi again... and I should hurry with dying, so I'm not too young for him again. Maybe he's already a newborn baby somewhere in the world. Maybe the timing matters in this kind of thing. Mikasa would be older than me this time around... and it would suit her, just like this world suits her... because she belongs here.
I don't.
And my eyes meet Annie's eyes... and she doesn't belong here either, so the words just flow out of my mouth like it's the most obvious thing ever: ''We shouldn't even be in this world... Titans shouldn't exist in this time anymore, so we should just...''
And maybe it is obvious... maybe it's simple like that, because she ends my sentence before I can get the last word out:
''Die.''
Yes. We should just die and end this whole story, but there's something I need to do first.
''I have to kill them all... first.'' I say and her blue eyes do not even flinch. It's like she knows. It's like she doesn't care anymore. I never really knew her, but maybe we're not so different... maybe we both wish we could've done more. Maybe we both had our reasons. Maybe we both don't have our reasons anymore... so, yeah, it doesn't matter anymore.
But I won't let anyone else kill them.
It's my job.
For an instant, we both stand there and she looks at me like she's slowly taking it all into consideration. With calculating eyes, she goes over me from head to toe and I know I probably don't look very capable right now, but I'll get it done. I know. I can do anything when I set my sights on it... Anything!
She sighs quietly and, for an instant, I feel like she'll just walk away from me like nothing happened, but then she looks at me again and she goes: "Eat me."
Whoa... What?
" Are you crazy? " You must be.