Adria didn't say much as she helped Kaidan pack up the few items that he had collected since being brought to the hospital. She wasn't sure how to bring up the foulness of his mood that hadn't dissipated over the last few days- and she was almost certain that a certain Commander was to blame.
But, she kept silent.
"Looks like I'm all packed up," Kaidan murmured, his husky voice sounding strained.
"Most people collect more when they spend such a long time in the hospital," she said lightly, a smile playing on her lips.
Kaidan turned around and looked down at her. There was no humor in his eyes and he seemed slightly disgusted by her words. "We're at war- the whole damn galaxy is fighting to continue," he reminded her harshly.
She took a step back- not used to Kaidan taking that kind of tone with her-, and he hated her for that. She didn't even have the courage to keep her shoulders square and fight with him- to berate him for taking such an uncalled for tone. He hated her for all the reasons that he couldn't love her.
He wondered if he could have loved her if Shepard had stayed dead.
Kaidan glared down at him omni-tool and wished that he had destroyed the damn thing long before he had even been put in his current situation. It was bad enough that Mike and his wife Jade had arranged the blind date, but the fact that Councilor Anderson (he could barely look at the man without thinking about Shepard, let alone hear the title that she had gotten for him) ordered him on the date was beyond belief.
If he would rather work than be social, what right did anyone have to get in his way?
But, when your best friend from BAat and his wife beg you to go and the human Councilor orders you to do something…well, you tend to do it.
So, there he sat in a café on the Citadel and waited for his "bombshell" date to arrive. The only bombshell I want won't ever arrive, he thought sadly as he took a drink of his tea (the drink of choice of his fallen Commander). Oh, she would drink coffee on those mornings after an exhausting battle or after a long night of amorous activity, but she preferred tea (Earl Grey or Green).
"Commander?" a soft, soprano voice asked from behind him and he couldn't help himself from straightening his posture and looking around for Shepard. After a few seconds, he remembered that he, too, was a Commander.
No, that was wrong. She wasn't a commander anymore because she was gone.
Turning, Kaidan plastered on a fake smile that was as convincing as he could manage- he hadn't smiled in the year and a half since she died. It just didn't seem right. The woman before him was definitely a looker- but a looker in all the wrong ways to Kaidan.
Oh, she would be a knockout for anyone who hadn't already had their ideal woman in mind. The woman before him had eyes the color of the emeralds that his mother always wore when his father took her out on a date and the woman before him had long, chestnut brown hair. She was beautiful…just not enough for him.
He wasn't being fair- comparing her to someone who was so far beyond any man's league-, but compare her he did.
She held out her hand to him. When he took it and shook it, she introduced, "I'm Adria Moore."
"Kaidan Alenko," he answered, letting go of her hand and gesturing to the seat next to him. "It's nice to meet you."
She leaned towards him and gave him a sweet smile. "It is."
His thoughts instantly shied away from the thought.
"I-I know," she stuttered, looking at him with wide, confused eyes. "I didn't really mean anything by it- not really."
"I know," he said through his teeth. "I'm sorry." He rubbed his temples and sighed, trying to relieve the pressure that was building just behind his left eye.
Adria took a few moments to let Kaidan cool off further before asking, "So, you have any big plans once you leave?"
A date. She wanted to go on a date.
"Yeah, I have a mission from Udina. Apparently it's important enough to warrant a Spectre but not so much so that it requires an experienced Spectre," Kaidan explained as he picked up his bag and made his way to the door, not looking back at the accursed hospital room that had turned into a prison.
He wondered if that was how Shepard had felt.
Kaidan stood just outside the room that held her. He wanted to go in, but stopped himself for multiple reasons. The biggest one being that he feared her reaction. He had sent her that damnable letter after Horizon and then…then nothing. He hadn't expected a response- not really. Then again, he feared her temper.
She had enough of one to put Wrex in his place all those years ago, and he was pretty sure that she hadn't mellowed with age.
Another reason was that he was still unsure about her. She had blown up a relay and took thousands of lives. The Shepard that he had known would never have done that. She had spared that on Batarian on the asteroid headed to Terra Nova because she didn't want to lose the hostages. If she really was Shepard, there'd have to be more to the story than what he knew (the mission report was classified way beyond anything he could even look at.
The final reason was because he just wasn't aloud.
But, he stood in the hall and looked into her room.
She looked tired- more tired than he had ever seen her. Oh, she was put together well and most everyone else wouldn't see it, but he did. Her short red hair was almost completely put together- but Kaidan could see that she had missed that troublesome piece of hair just behind her bangs- and her uniform was almost perfect, but he saw how her shirt was just slightly bunched on her hips. Her skin was paler than he had ever seen and there was evidence of dark circles just under her eyes. She was also staring out the window, her head leaning against the wall. A faint smile played on her lips- but he could see no softness in her eyes or on her face.
It may be a luxurious prison, but it was a prison no less.
Even without having talked to her since Horizon, he knew that she hated it. She was meant to be in space- to travel the stars and protect those that needed it. Without that, she was nothing more than a husk of a person.
That was when he began to accept her involvement with Cerberus.
The Alliance would have had her in a holding cell similar or worse than the one she was currently residing in. Medical and psychological tests would bog her down for months- possibly years. She would be in a living hell…and so many more people would have died.
…He would have been abducted and killed by the Collectors had she done nothing.
"That's too bad," she answered, sounding truly upset.
"Well," he began, looking at Adria (while trying to hide his irritation and indecision), "I've got to go meet Udina."
She smiled up at him, her eyes betraying the fact that she couldn't wait for them to see each other again. "See you later, Kaidan."
"Goodbye," he murmured as he walked away and couldn't help but remembering the final words he had heard Hope murmur the last time she was visiting.
"But it might be."
Why did she think that it was goodbye? Was it because she had met Adria? He instantly threw that idea out the window. If Shepard had met Adria…well, he'd know (and probably the news because she might have committed murder.
Decidedly, he was pretty sure that life was unfair.
"Major," he heard a raspy voice interrupt his thoughts.
Kaidan looked up from the floor and stopped in his tracks. A little to his side stood a Drell (he was pretty sure that he had seen the Drell lurking outside of his room but he wasn't positive). "Yes?"
The Drell stuck out his hand and waited for Kaidan to grasp it. "My name is Thane Krios- I served with Commander Shepard six months ago."
It took a minute for Kaidan to completely comprehend that. "You went to the Collector Base with her?"
"I did. She is strong of spirit- truly a Siha."
"What does that mean?"
"One of the warrior angels of the Goddess of Arashu- Goddess of Motherhood and Protection. They are said to be fierce in wrath a tenacious protectors," Krios explained.
Was he imaging it, or did the Drell's voice take on a tone of adoration? Jealousy coursed through Kaidan as he imagined him and her. Together. Their forms intertwined in her bed.
"Sounds like Shepard."
Thane studied him for a few moments in silence and gave him a small smile. "You are jealous," he stated matter-of-factly. "There is no need for you to be- nothing happened between her and me.
"Sadness is evident in her eyes- had I not known the expression, I would not have seen it. It never fades and, at times, she even flinches at certain words. My heart breaks for her. She is fierce, yet gentle. She is the embodiment of contradiction. She is in love…but not loved- not by he who matters," Thane says suddenly, his eyes unblinking. "Forgive me; I slip so easily into my memories of that time."
Kaidan just stares at him- taken aback by Thane's words. "Did she ever say who hurt her?" he asked, trying to sound obvious.
Thane blinked both of his eyelids before giving him a sad smile. "No, but it is obvious that it is you- you hold the same sadness in your eyes that has yet to be eradicated from hers. I could see the fierce determination in protecting you every time she came to visit and the sadness that grows ever worse every time she walks out the hospital doors."
"I don't know if I love her, or the memories that I have of her from a few years ago," Kaidan admitted.
Nodding, Thane gave him a pat on the shoulder. "If she is not the woman you fell in love with in the beginning, it doesn't mean that she's any less amazing. She is a woman that you would be willing to take a bullet for but would never be able to because she would push you out of the way to save your life."
"Like you said- she's tenacious and a protector," Kaidan gave a mirthless laugh.
Thane nodded and blinked before saying, "I'm holding you up, I'm sorry. You just needed to know that she is suffering as well."
Kaidan felt his shoulders droop and he shuffled into the elevator and leaned heavily against the wall as the door closed.
Why is it that every time he talked to someone that Shepard knew or knows, he felt as though he was under judgment, and always coming out the other side feeling smaller than a damn flea?