"Do you want milk, too?"
Little Sienna Bolton looked up at me and smiled, "yes, please!"
I turned around to get the milk out of the fridge and then moved over to the oven to check the cookies in there. 2 more minutes. I went over to the cupboard and grabbed a cup and placed it on the counter so I could pour her some. Cookies and milk. What else could you want on a Friday night? Especially if you're a six year old who doesn't need to worry about calories right now.
"I just love cookies so much," she tells me as she climbs up on one of the stools, "do you?"
"Yep, chocolate chip cookies are my favorite," I tell her, leaning over the counter and looking at her, "they're just so good."
"When is my brother coming home?" she asks me, putting her little hands under her chin and looking at me with her beautiful big eyes, "he loves cookies a lot, too. Can we save him some?"
I laughed and nodded. "Yes, we can save him some. He's with some friends. But he should be here soon."
She looked excited about that. I know she loves her big brother a lot. So cute!
Troy's at a birthday dinner for a friend and my parents are actually on a double date with his parents because... surprise, they've become best friends, and so I offered to watch Sienna. They didn't really have anyone so why not? I'm good with kids. I love kids. And I love her. She's the cutest, most easy going child I've ever met. And so smart and articulate. She could talk your ear off. Ha.
And the fact that they trust me with her makes me so happy because Troy told me she hardly leaves her with anyone. She only really has play dates with people she realllly knows so this is kind of major, right? I think it is.
And so far, so good. We played Just Dance on the Wii, colored for a little bit, and now we're making cookies and about to watch a move together as we wait for Troy to get home.
"Can I have a blanket?" Sienna asks me as we sat on the couch after eating our cookies, about to watch the movie she picked.
"Sure," I tell her, but then realize I have NO idea where the blankets are.
"My brother has one," she says.
And so I go down the hall and up the stairs into his room and look for it, not thinking anything of it. I mean, I've been in his room plenty of times. With his parents here. Okay, not plenty. But a handful. And I don't think he would care if I was in here looking for some blanket. If he did, he would have locked the door before leaving since he knew I'd be here all night with Sienna.
There was a blanket on his bed and one that was hanging off a chair next to his desk and I didn't really know which one to grab.
I decided with the one on the chair at his desk and when I grabbed it and turned around to leave, a few papers fell. Oh oops, I guess the blanket hit them or something. Ugh.
Gabriella, stop, I told myself as I realized that one of that papers was a note to someone.
A full on letter.
No. I shouldn't read it. I can't. I don't want to. But I do. I do want to. Who writes letters nowadays? That's why this is intriguing me soooo badly. But I really shouldn't. I shouldn't invade his privacy. If he knew I read this, went "snooping," he'd be so mad. Ugh.
What's a freaking girl to do?! I take another look down at it and realize I see my name. It's popping up at me.
MY NAME. He's talking about me. Oh my gosh. Now I can't look away.
I'm going for it. I'm reading it...
This is honestly the lamest thing I've ever done. Write a letter? I don't think I've written a letter since I was in elementary. But what choice do I have, right? You're across the pond and I'm still pissed about that, but whatever. How are you? Please tell me you're coming home soon. Taking a year off from college and exploring in Europe didn't seem like that big of a deal, but I miss you. And telling you everything IN PERSON. Anyway, let's see. I got your letter, obviously, since I'm responding and I'm glad you're having fun. Everyone here misses you and can't wait for you to come home. But we're all good. Sienna just turned six. Can you believe that? I mean, you were there with me in the hospital when she was born and now she's SIX. My whole family is now with me in New York, which I could not be more excited about. I do love New York, by the way. I know I was a bit hesitant about it, but I love it. Yeah, I miss Chicago, but thank God I can always just go back and visit. I expect a souvenir, by the way...
Oh, yeah... Gabriella. She's honestly so great, Kris. I can't wait for you to meet her because it's impossible to write down everything I want you to know about her. I mean, it's not. I can easily name them off the top of my head, but I hate writing.
She's great, though. These past few months have been the best. And easily the best thing about my move here. I think she's the reason why I actually really like it here. She's just... her dad's New York royalty, basically, but she's the most down to Earth girl I've ever met and she's always down for whatever. She's kind... she makes me laugh, a lot. Like, we just feed off each other. We're constantly laughing and that's the best thing, right? I sound so cheesy probably, but I honestly don't know how I got so lucky. Kinda makes me rethink all my old girlfriends. She's so different from them and in such a good way. I'm happy. And I know I made it seem like I never wanted to date again, and at the time, I thought it was true, but no. I'm so glad I just got over that. She's the best. You're going to love her. I know you will.
Anyway, other than my family moving here and Gabriella and I doing great, not much has been going on so I don't really know what else to say except that I miss you, be safe, and I can't wait to see you. But I'm sure you and Jordan are having the time of your lives over there so soak it all in. Write me back if you want, but I can almost guarantee you that I'm not going to. Phone calls are way easier, Kris. Please remember that. Oh, and don't get pregnant. You and Jordan are way too young for that. Okay. Love you. Bye!
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.
I put the letter down right away, where I think it was, put the blanket back on the chair, grabbed the one on the bed instead and got the hell out of there. Ahhhh I cannot believe I read that. I read the whole thing and I'm such a terrible person.
A part of me is SO happy I read it since reading his feelings FEEL so good, but a part of me feels so guilty. It wasn't anything major but still. This is a letter to his best friend who's in Europe. I shouldn't be reading it. I have no business reading it. And I hate myself for it. But yet, here I am smiling to myself like an idiot because of what he said. He likes me. He really likes me. And I really like him. And everything he said in that letter about me made me want to cry.
Kristin Davis was his best friend. Someone he's known since he was a baby. Her mom and his mom are the best of friends. And so no, I'm not jealous. I know everything about her. I know that if they liked each other and ever wanted to try, they would have done it by now. They're just friends. Brother and sister.
And so the fact that he's telling her all this... well, that makes it even better. He tells her everything. And he told her about me.
Good things about me.
"Thank you," Sienna tells me, grabbing the blanket from me, "I'm so cold."
"You're welcome," I sit down next to her.
I couldn't stop thinking about this letter, though, and smiling. I feel like I was supposed to see it, to be honest. I debated about walking away, but I couldn't. So I think I was supposed to know it over and see it. I mean, it almost felt like fate because I'm over here, feeling so strongly about Troy and I know he likes me, too, and he's voiced that he's here to stay, but I'm at the point where I've been maybe wanting to tell him that I am in love with him.
I'm pretty sure I am in love with Troy Bolton and this letter just solidified everything.
"Hey guys," we heard a voice from behind us.
Sienna immediately jumped up, dropping the blanket on the ground and went to say hi to her brother as if she hadn't seen him in such a long time. It was cute. I grabbed the blanket, put it on the couch and went over to join them in the foyer area.
Troy put Sienna down and then turned to me with a smile on his face and went in for a kiss. "What are you guys doing?"
"Nothing, we were just about to start a movie, actually."
"Cool, I'm just in time then. What movie?" he asks as he leads us back to the living room, "please don't tell me it's Frozen. If I have to watch that one more time, I seriously think I'm going to break it."
I laughed as we all sat on the couch together. Sienna at the end of the couch, and Troy and I in the middle.
Sienna put the blanket over her again and grabbed the control to push play, "we are watching The Little Mermaid, I love it so much!"
"Well, good," he says as he puts his feet up getting comfortable, "how was she?"
"Oh, she was fine," I whisper back to him, "better than fine. No trouble at all. We played, we ate, made cookies, and now we're watching the little mermaid."
"That's good, thank you again. We really appreciate it."
Oh, anytime. Seriously. Sienna Bolton is the cutest! "You're welcome. How was dinner?"
He yawned and then leaned back and put his arm over me, behind the couch, "it was good. I had never been there, but it was really good. I'm sure you've been there, but we have to go back. I want to take you there."
Knowing what I know, it just made me smile so much bigger than I originally would have. Which is so weird because he just wants to take me to dinner, but now every small gesture just has so much more meaning. He wants to take me to dinner because he likes me, because he loves hanging out with me, not because he thinks he has to because he's my boyfriend, you know?
"I haven't been, actually, so I can't wait to go."
He looked over at me, smiled and then leaned down and kissed me quickly.
Man oh man. This guy is making my heart beat SO fast. Ugh.
I can't take it.
It's been a week and a half since I found that letter in his room and I'm pretty sure he has NO idea about it.
And I feel guilty about it everyday, but now that I have this information, I feel as if I'm on top of the world. I feel like this is real. This relationship I'm in with him is everything I want and more. And it's giving me the confidence I need to tell him I'm absolutely, madly in love with him.
What better place to tell him than this right now, this weekend, when his family is in Chicago for an anniversary party and we have his place to ourselves?
"I'm not sure what I'm in the mood for," he comes over to me with two menus in his hands, "pizza or Chinese food?"
I grab both menus and scan them real quickly. "I'm fine with pizza."
He smiles at me, grabs the pizza menu and looks over it, "okay, should we get a medium? Small? Mozzarella sticks? Cheesy bread? Wings?"
One of my favorite things about Troy is that he's an eater and he lets me be one too- no judgement. I mean, obviously the guys I've been with haven't told me anything about my eating habits, which could be really bad, but they've given me this look. This look that pretty much means, are you sure you want to eat all that? I don't want you to get fat on me. I'm being dead serious. But with Troy... it's, like, he forces me to eat all this junk with him. As if he doesn't care if I were to gain weight.
"Whatever you want," I laugh as I grab my lemonade from the coffee table, "I'm fine with whatever."
"Okay," he grabs the menu from me and starts walking away, "Hawaiian, right?"
"Yes," I nod, happy about his compromising.
I love, love, love Hawaiian pizza and if it were up to him, he'd get plain cheese or pepperoni but because I love it so much, he gave it a chance and he said he doesn't mind it at all. So I'm glad he's on board. Because ordering two pizzas is a little much. And this place doesn't do half and half pizzas, unfortunately.
He went back to order the pizza and I leaned back on the couch, kicked my feet up and finished watching this episode of Friends.
But I wasn't even concentrating, really. I was too busy thinking about how our night was going to play out.
What if he doesn't love me?
What if he really likes me, but he's just not there yet and I look like a complete fool telling him I'm in love with him after a couple of months. Five months. No, four. I don't know. We're in February. I met him in September. But of course we didn't start dating til a little while later. And now I'm freaking out about the whole thing. Ugh. I don't know. I want to tell him, but it's nerve wracking.
I want to tell him because I feel it so badly that I don't want it to slip in conversations in the future. That would be SO bad.
So it's better to tell him now that I'm in love with him.
But now I'm also thinking about everything that could go wrong. I used to think about the things that could go right- he'd say it back, we'd kiss, cuddle and all that. But ugh, it could very well go badly. He could freeze, tell me I'm moving too fast and then kick me out of his place, I don't know.
Shit. What do I do now? WHAT DO I DO?
Whatever. I have a couple hours to decide. I'm definitely not going to tell him before the pizza.
"They said it should be about 30 minutes," he comes over to me and takes a seat next to me, "are you hungry now?"
"No, I'm okay," I tell him, "I had sushi around 4 with Savannah."
He laughs and shakes his head as he leans back and puts his feet up, "I honestly don't know where you put it all, it blows my mind."
I lean back a bit, too, and rest my head on his shoulder. I just feel like cuddling for now. I feel like just sitting here and not saying anything. It's one of my favorite things to do with him. Just laying on him, him with his arm around me and we're cuddled up watching a movie or some kind of TV show.
"You smell really good," he tells me.
I look up at him with a small smile, laughing inside because I sprayed 2 more sprays than I usually do of perfume and thanked him. "You always smell good."
He laughed and just gave me a kiss on the forehead. My favorite thing EVER.
God. I loved him. So much.
Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend was sent from Heaven to me. Because he is close to perfection.
Honestly, I sometimes just sit there, stare at him and think about how lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it that I have him. That he's ALL mine.
And that's exactly what I'm doing right now.
He's leaning forward against the counter in the kitchen and he's smiling at his phone, giggling at his sister who he's face timing with. She's telling him all these things that are making him smile and I'm over here in the living room watching from a distance, smiling at him smiling.
He loves his sister so much and in turn, it makes me love him so much.
"Hey, bugs," I hear him say to her, his cute nickname for her, "I have to go, okay? But I'll see you tomorrow night when you get back."
I don't know what she said back since I was giving them their space, but a minute later, he emerged in the living room carrying a bowl of chocolate covered strawberries which were my all time favorite. "My mom made these before she left, thought you might like them."
Ugh. She's the sweetest. She really is. "I love her."
He laughed as he handed my the bowl and took one out for himself, "She loves you, too."
I put the bowl down after scarfing one down and now's the perfect time to tell him. We're talking about people loving each other, the TV is currently off and it's just the two of us. On the couch. Pretty much face to face. So it's perfect, right? I have to do it. I want to do it. And I want to tell him tonight.
He's looking over at me and I can tell he knows something's on my mind.
So I take a deep breath, I close my eyes for a second and when i open them, I'm met with his blue eyes looking into mine.
"I love you."
There is it. It's out there and now I'm a ball of nerves.
He's staring at me, I think I caught him by surprise, but he doesn't look totally against it. He's just sitting there, and I can't really tell what he's thinking, he has no emotion on his face. He's just silent. And he hasn't take his eyes off me. And I hope to God he says something soon so I don't seem like such a fool for telling him I love him. Gaaah.
But then, he suddenly springs forward, grabs my face and kisses me. So intensely. Probably the most passionate kiss we've ever had.
And when he pulls away, he brushes some hair out of my face, looks down at me and utters the same words, "I love you."
My heat just soared. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I definitely knew we had something special going on. I knew that things were heading in the right direction, but it's scary. Saying, I love you, and feeling it mean that you don't see an end to it. And that's terrifying.
I smiled at him, leaned in and kissed him once more, "do you really?"
"Yes," he laughs at me as if I'm being an idiot, "of course I love you. I'm so in love with you."
"That feels so good to hear you say because honestly, I've been wanting to tell you for a little while now and I thought it was going to be too soon and I'd freak you out and then you'd..."
He leaned in and kissed me to shut me up because I was rambling and then smiled against my lips, "I've never felt this way about someone before, honestly, and I want you to know that. I'm in love with you, wholeheartedly and hearing you say those words just made me fall a little deeper."
I couldn't believe this was happening. I knew if he didn't say it back, he'd do it really nicely and I wouldn't leave crying, BUT it went better than I thought...
"We're so cheesy," I laugh. I hated being cheesy, but it's hard not to be with him.
"Only with you," he laughs as he gives me one last kiss before back away and leaning back on the couch.
And for the next 20 minutes, we just laid here and cuddled. The TV wasn't on. Our phones weren't in reach. It was just the two of us. Talking. Cuddling. And enjoying each other's company, which is everything I've ever wanted in a boyfriend. This. Just being together without having to say much. It's perfect.
Then all of a sudden, I felt something. I felt something inside of me that was telling me to just go for it. To just do it.
Be intimate with him. Make love. Have sex. He's mine and I'm his.
And I want to prove it.
"Troy," I whisper to him as I sit up just a bit. His eyes are closed and his head it resting on the end of the couch. "Troy..."
He opens his eyes and sits up a little bit. I don't think he was sleeping, I just think he was resting his eyes. He looks over at me. "Sorry, yeah?"
Fuck. I don't know how to bring it up. I mean, obviously I know he did it with his ex girlfriend and I did it with Ryan. It won't be our first time. But he'd want to do it with me, right? I'm not going to embarrass myself by being forward with him?
"Um," Is all I manage to spit out, and when his blue eyes are looking into mine, I feel like I can't say anything else. I don't know what to say. "I, um..."
"What?" he smiles at me, I think knowing where I'm getting at.
Ugh. I want him so bad. I know I'm ready for this with him. I know I won't regret it. I know it'll be a good thing. It'll only bring us closer together. I know that. Yet I'm still terrified. What if he doesn't want me like that? I can't see why not if he lives me. But maybe he's not open it giving it all away just yet.
I take a deep breath, close my eyes for a second and when I open them, Troy's leaning forward and his lips are on me.
"Come on," he mutters against my lips, "I love you."
And suddenly, everything was magical. Sparks were igniting, I felt electric shocks all over my body, my heart was pounding, basically coming out of my chest. I could barely breathe. Everything. Everything was changing. And I couldn't be more excited for it. I loved this man. I loved him so much.
We got to his bedroom and he didn't even bother turning the lights on. We went straight to his bed.
This was it. We were about to do it.
No. We were about to make love. Troy and I were going to make love. Not have sex.
Sex is what I had with Ryan. And that was only once because I hated it and I felt SO guilty for doing it before I was married. But now that's out the window and I know it'll be okay with Troy. I know this isn't the only thing he wants from me. I can feel it. It's so much more than sex for him. And for me. And I want this more than anything right now. I want to let him know that I'm his completely and I want to know that, too.
"Are you absolutely positive?" Troy asks me as we're laying in bed.
I look into his blue eyes and a second later, I have my answer. Yes. I'm one hundred percent positive. I've never been more sure of anything. "Yes."
He smiled at me and then captured my lips with his and in the middle of some, he took off his shirt.
This was it. We were going to have sex. I was going to have sex with my boyfriend and there was no going back now. Not that I wanted to go back, but still. It's still a little frightening. What if he hates it with me? Then what? What if I hate it? Ahhh. I'm second guessing everything now.
But then he stops kissing me for a minute and looks into my eyes again. "I love you."
Nope. Not second guessing anything anymore. "I love you, too."
This was going to be the best night of my life.