Author's Note: In honor of the final ME3 DLC out today, I decided to give you all this chapter early (have no fear, there will be a chapter on Friday as well. Enjoy!

The debriefing room was deafeningly silent as they all waited for Shepard- who was five minutes late. Never before had Kaidan understood the saying deafeningly silent, but he did in that moment. He felt as though everyone's eyes were on him…accusing him.

He moved his eyes from the floor to his hands and tightened them into fists- trying to rid himself of guilt. He felt responsible- of not for his…relationship (Is that what it is? Are we a thing?), Ash might still have been alive and he might have been dead.

No.

Shepard didn't make decisions like that (he had to keep repeating that to himself so that he believed it). Alliance protocol stated that a superior officer was always first priority…and Kaidan outranked Ashley. Shepard made the right call according to the Alliance.

The door to the debriefing room opened to reveal Shepard. To Kaidan, it looked like she was barely holding herself together. Oh, she put up a good enough front (he doubted that anyone else could see the fragility of her façade), but he had spent many hours memorizing her expressions and body language.

…he hoped that it wasn't as creepy as it sounded in his mind….

"Commander," he greeted, rising.

She looked at him apologetically- her blue eyes begging him to understand (understand what, he was unsure). She plastered on a smile that, had Kaidan not known her, looked real enough as she took her seat.

After taking a few minutes to study her squad, she sighed. "So, Saren got away." She paused, pursing her lips momentarily. "We lost a valuable member of our team today. Ashley Williams was one hell of a soldier and she was a good friend. She gave her life to save the rest of us."

"She was a hard person to get to know," Garrus said quietly, staring down at the floor. "Very xenophobic…but she was coming around." He looked up and straight at Shepard. "Even asked me how I kept the Mako so well calibrated."

Shepard looked like she was having a hard time swallowing for a moment. It was obvious that she hadn't realized that Ash had been trying to expand her horizons…

…because Ash knew that Shepard trusted and respected the aliens on her squad.

"I even heard her talking to Tali about possible upgrades for Tali's shotgun," Garrus added.

Liara gave a sad smile. "She talked to Wrex and me about what it was like to live such long lives."

Shepard's hand tightened into fists and she closed her eyes. "This is another reason that we need to end Saren as soon as we can. He cannot get away with killing her."

Kaidan stared at her silently, forgetting about everyone else in the room. "But why me? Why not her?" he asked quietly.

She looked at him, startled. "Kaidan, I…this is a discussion that we will have later…in private."

….

Kaidan paced restlessly in front of the door to Shepard's cabin, and he was receiving more than a few strange looks from soldiers in the mess.

He was torn.

Part of him still thought of her as Commander Shepard- complete badass and the Alliance's Golden Girl (and who the hell, in their right mind, would question her?). On the other hand, a part of him thought of her as Shepard- a woman who couldn't dance, didn't have an ounce of vanity in her, and who reserved a special smile just for him.

The door opened and Shepard looked at him with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Lieutenant," she greeted him, "come on in and we can discuss those tactics we were discussing earlier." She nodded to an ensign behind him.

They walked into her cabin and she activated the lock and muted the comm (both receiving and transmitting. "Kaidan," she nodded for him to speak his mind.

"Why me, Shepard?" he asked, trying to keep the guilt and accusation from his voice. "Was it because of me- because of us?" He grabbed her upper arms and couldn't stop his words. "She was your best friend!"

Shepard looked up at him with shocked, teary eyes. "Kaidan, I can explain," she whispered.

"Really?" He released her arms and paced like a caged tiger. "You and me- we- have…something, and Ash is dead. Kind looks bad, don't know you think?"

"It wasn't your fault and it wasn't my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren."

"Bull shit," he snapped.

"You were at the bomb site- you're the superior officer-…you took priority." Her tone was persuasive and Kaidan knew it to be a lie- just her way of manipulating people.

Kaidan did an abrupt about-face and grabbed her arms again. "Quit lying!" he begged. "You don't have to put on this act for me!"

A tear fell from her left eye, causing Kaidan to release her quickly. Had he hurt her? What had he done?

"I'd never leave you behind…I couldn't." She paused and looked away from him. "For more than one reason. You outranked Ash, you were with the bomb, and, damn it, because you make me feel human, Kaidan! You don't treat me like a god damn idol or soldier- you treat me like another human…like a woman."

Kaidan stepped back to her and wiped her tears before taking her into his arms. "I'm sorry," he murmured into her hair. "I'm so sorry."

"What would you have done?" she asked him, her voice muffled against his shirt. "If it came down between Ash and me…who would you have saved?"

It wasn't a hard decision. His head and his heart were telling him the same thing.

"You," he whispered, tightening his arms around her. "I would always choose you- no matter the circumstance."

Even if it came between her and his career….

…he would always choose her.

Kaidan stared at Hope the entire time he was thinking. His face went through a wide range of emotions, but he never looked beyond her eyes.

He wondered if she even remembered those words…that promise.

Of course she did.

She wouldn't hold him to that promise, though. She was giving him a chance to make a decision- help her take Udina into custody (to get it all straightened out)…or let her do it.

…To choose her or walk away from everything they had…everything that they might have in the future.

She wouldn't beg him to make a decision- that wasn't her style. No, she did all the begging she ever would when she told him that she could explain what was happening…when she said please. She just needed him to decide what he was going to do.

When Shepard looked at him like that, it was rare that he would refuse. He had already done it once and it very nearly ripped his heart out of his chest. He couldn't do it again.

Damn it.

"I better not regret this," he murmured as he lowered his gun and turns to Udina.

"You won't," she promised as she relaxed her gun arm down to her side.

"Udina," Kaidan says in a no-nonsense voice, "step away from the console and keep your hands where I can see them." He trains his gun on Udina's chest and realizes that it was much easier to hold a gun with the barrel facing Udina than it was with the barrel facing Hope.

"Well, it's good to see where your loyalties lay, Major," he snapped, and begins messing with the terminal to open the elevator doors.

Tevos steps towards Udina- obviously trying to calm the situation- and he pushes her to the ground. Udina pulls out a Paladin pistol from beneath his coat and points it straight at Shepard. "Don't move," Udina warned.

"He's got a gun!" Kaidan said (realizing that he was stating the obvious) and tightened his grip on his own gun.

"You know," Udina said conversationally, "this could have gone so much better if you had stayed with Cerberus, Shepard. We could have been allies, Shepard."

Shepard cocked her head to the side and gave a small half-smile. "Or I could just blow your damn brains out," she offered sweetly. Kaidan saw her grimace that lasted little more than a fraction of a second and that's when he noticed the small puddle of blood on the ground to her right.

That was about the point that he realized that he had shot her when he had shot at the roof of the elevator. Blood trickled out of her right arm, down her armor, and to the ground…and she did nothing to stop it.

"Or you could have taken a little longer curing the Krogan. If you had, we wouldn't be in this little situation."

"Problem with that little plan is that Major Alenko and the other Councilors would be dead, and you would be with Cerberus, in possession of the Citadel. I have a bit of a problem with all of that," she continued just as conversationally

Kaidan could see Udina's finger twitching for the trigger and he looked between Shepard and Udina, trying to figure out what to do. He caught Garrus' eye and had to look away from the harsh condemnation in his eyes.

"You can't stop this, Shepard." He pulled the gun up a little further. "The Council must fall so we can save humanity."

All expression slipped from her face and Kaidan knew that she was anticipating the shot. "We need to save more than just humanity," she informed him.

She wouldn't roll out of the way. Udina didn't know how to shoot and, if she moved, he might hit someone else. Shepard would take a bullet just so no one else would have to.

Kaidan ground his teeth before looking right at Shepard. "I choose you," he said aloud and whipped his gun around and shot Udina.

He chooses me? Did I hear him right?

Kaidan stood with his back to Shepard as he stared in disbelief at the lifeless body of the councilor. When she laid a hand on his shoulder, he tensed under her touch before glancing back at her long enough to realize who she was and relaxed.

"Kaidan?" she murmured, just for his ears.

"I made you a promise," he answered. "I made a promise that I've already broken once. I choose you- no matter the circumstance."

She let her hand fall away from him. "I would never expect you to uphold that- not then and…and definitely not now…not after everything."

"I chose you," he repeated.

"Kaidan-"

"I'm good," he interrupted, still not looking at her.

The elevator door started to open suddenly and Shepard, Kaidan, Garrus, and James all stepped to form a barrier between the people trying to get in and the remaining councilors.

"The door!" Tevos shouted.

Thankfully, when the doors opened, it was just Bailey.

"What the hell, Bailey?" Shepard asked, lowering her gun.

He gave her a tired smile. "It was still pretty damn difficult to get through the halls- even though you killed a good number of Cerberus. Looks like you, uh…took care of things."

Kaidan turned to face Shepard again with suspicion. "You said Cerberus was targeting us…where'd their soldiers go?"

"They beat feet into the Keeper tunnels when they figured out C-Sec was back in control of HQ and we were coming," Bailey explained before looking at the Councilors. "Shepard just saved the lot of you…again."

Bailey and the Councilors talked, but Shepard couldn't stop looking at Kaidan. He was alive….

…he had chosen her.

"Shepard, you're friend Thane is in Huerta…if you want to go see him," Bailey informed her.

She pulled her gaze away from Kaidan and swallowed hard. "I'll…I need transport…I need to go see him right away."

Shepard didn't spare Kaidan another glance as she followed Bailey to a car so that she could see Thane.

…if he wanted to talk to her…he could find her later….