AN: Bioware owns the in-game dialogue I borrowed. Enjoy!
Shepard and Kolyat stood together in the hospital for a long time in silence- he mourning his father and she mourning a friend. For people who had not lived lives as they had lived theirs, there may have been quiet, sympathetic words spoken, but that was not who they were.
Tucking her hair into her hat, Shepard squeezed Kolyat's arm and gave him a small, weak smile. Words escaped her- this was not a situation that required an empowered speech and a call to battle, this required words that she didn't know how to use. She also wanted to apologize…but those words, too, were beyond her. She wanted to express sympathy…but couldn't find the words.
She was just too tired.
"Thank you for being here, Commander," Kolyat murmured.
"If you need anything- absolutely anything-…don't hesitate to contact me," she insisted.
Shepard bowed her head and hurried from the room. She needed to be far away from that damn hospital. Nothing good ever came from being required to meet someone in a hospital- at least not according to her track record.
She pressed the elevator call button and waited impatiently for it to arrive (We manage to master space travel, she thought bitterly, and we still can't manage to speed up the damned elevators). Without thinking, she scratched her right arm and let out a curse as she winced.
"Damn it!"
She was about at the end of what she could handle that day. Between almost getting shot by Udina and Thane's death, she didn't really want to deal with ripping the hastily applied medi-gel off.
But the universe didn't really much care what she wanted and she was left standing there bleeding through her spare BDUs.
"Lia!" a familiar- and annoying- voice chirped from behind her.
Yeah. That was also on the list of what she didn't want to deal with.
Plastering on a semi-acceptable face, she turned around. "Adria, it's so great to see that you're okay."
Was it petty that seeing her covered in blood gave Shepard a sick satisfaction?
"Oh my goodness!" Adria gasped, rushing forward. "You're bleeding. Come on; let's go get you patched up."
"It's not a big deal," Shepard insisted. "It's not going to kill me."
"Lia."
"I'll just have my ship's doctor take care of it when I get back. Worst case scenario, I lose some blood and have to throw out this pair of BDUs."
Adria gave her a disapproving look that was eerily similar to Chakwas' (They must learn that look in medical school, she decided). Sighing, Shepard shrugged and nodded her head, following Adria to get all stitched up.
"Were you in the battle?" Adria asked conversationally as she ushered Shepard into an empty room.
Shepard thought hard on how to best answer the question before nodding. "Yeah, I tried to save as many as I could."
"You sound just like Kaidan," Adria said off-handedly as she walked over to some cabinets to get the necessary materials to stitch Shepard up. "I suppose it's true that all of you in the Alliance are a lot alike."
With caution, Shepard pointed out, "All of us have the same basic training."
"Yeah, but then there's the different kinds- biotic, tech, basic soldier, and all the stuff in between. Not to mention all the letters and numbers!"
This was one of the reason Shepard had limited personal interactions with civilians. They didn't grasp the magnitude and amount of pride military personnel had in their jobs. Each letter represented a different code for a vocation in the Alliance- a lot more than all the letters and numbers.
"The basics never change though," Shepard pointed out.
Adria studied the needle in her hand, staring at it as though it held all the answers- lost in thought. 'What about a family?"
Shepard was lost. "A family?"
"You all train to protect civilians- parents and kids-, but do you ever think of getting married and having kids?" Adria asked, looking genuinely impassioned about the concept.
Joker's broken words filled Shepard's mind: If I would have followed protocol and orders, you'd've lived and probably be an Admiral and married to Alenko.
She pictured Kaidan in his Alliance blues and a special smile that was reserved for her on his face as she walked down an aisle wearing a ridiculous dress with combat boots on her feet as opposed to heels (it's not like anyone could actually see them).
"Yeah," Shepard admitted quietly. "We're at war now, though. The Alliance needs every soldier."
"And the men?" Adria asked as she began to work on Shepard's arm.
"Relationships are difficult enough…let alone adding in the complication of a relationship with a civilian. Kids are a difficult all their own. Even when we're not at war, relationships and marriages between a marine and civilian usually fail…. War with that same relationship could result in the death of the marine."
"And you're okay with that?"
These were the hard questions that, on a normal day, she could have gotten out of. Sadly, though, this was a day where so many things had happened. So, she told the truth.
"It depends on the day."
Kaidan stood uneasily outside of the docking tube. Was he really sure that going back aboard the Normandy was the right decision?
He remembered her look of acceptance as Udina held the gun. She didn't even give a flash of nervousness at the potential chance that she may have died.
Or was it more than that?
Sighing, Kaidan entered the docking tube. There, again, he was choosing her.
As if he had any other choice.
Lights began flashing and a siren sounded. "You have entered a restricted zone," the ship's computer informed him in a monotone. "Please state you rank and purpose for the intrusion. Failure to comply will result in a full neutron purge of the docking tube. You have ten seconds to comply.
Well. Shit.
"Rank: Major, Spectre. Name: Kaidan Michael Alenko. Purpose: a meeting with Commander Shepard."
Snickering filled the tube. "Really? Your middle name is Michael?" Joker snorted.
Relaxing, Kaidan shook his head. "It was my grandfather's middle name. Way to scare me with the neutron purge, by the way."
"It's not really much of a joke when my hand is still hovering over the execution button," Joker informed him, sounding serious. "What do you want with Shepard?"
"I need to talk to her."
"Man, you don't get it. All of her squad- plus me-…we all know that she's not as tough as she makes everyone else think she is. In fact, she's downright soft. There was a time you might have known that too, but you must have forgotten. Problem is that it's truer now that it ever was back on the SR-1." Joker's words were cold- hard.
Truthful.
"Joker-"
"Shut up," Joker snapped. "The Alliance turning their backs on her is one thing- but you are completely different. And, even after she'd been locked up for six months- you still wouldn't believe what she had to say!"
"Joker-"
"Still not done," Joker interrupted. "If you're here to say something that's going to hurt her again, I will gladly push this damn button and record the whole damn thing."
Kaidan was stunned silent. He'd never head Joker sound so serious and sincere about a living, breathing creature- let alone a person. This was a completely different Joker than the one on the SR-1. This was a man devoted to protecting the galaxy's number one necessity: Hope (both the woman and what she represented).
"I don't want to hurt her anymore," Kaidan admitted. "I've put her through enough already."
"You hurt her again…" Joker warned, letting his unspoken threat resonate.
"I'll kill myself," Kaidan supplied.
"It'd be an easier death than if you didn't."
Kaidan nodded his head once and leaned again the wall. "The whole crew'll be out for blood."
Joker remained silent for a minute to let Kaidan realize that that was a fact. "Fifty creds say that the Commander chews you out."
"You're still making bets on Shepard?" Kaidan snorted. "You lost every single one of them you made on the SR-1."
"Call me repetitive, but I'll eventually win one of them someday."
"Make it a hundred and you're on."
"Deal."
They were all at their stations, waiting for the XO. Everyone knew Shepard's military past- honored war hero that saved the entire colony of Elysium. She was also a bit camera shy, only a few articles featured a picture (and those were usually of her just out of battle- dirty, bloody, and exhausted-, and probably not a good judge of what she actually looked like) and vids were always from a distance, so the quality wasn't great.
She was also late.
Kaidan sat beside the helmsman (what was his name again? Oh, right, Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau), waiting impatiently. They had all been instructed to gather at 1300 hours, and it was closing in on 1900 hours.
Two days later.
"Fifty creds say that the Captain tears her a new one," Joker said, glancing over at Kaidan while he waited for the new scenario read outs.
Kaidan pursed his lips. He thought back on all of his training and tried to remember if there were rules about making bets about superior officers. After a few seconds, he wasn't sure. "Hundred creds and you're on," he declared, holding out his hand and shook Joker's- carefully (he had, after all, read Joker's file and knew about his condition).
"You just lost a hundred creds; you do realize that, don't you?" Joker wondered as he studied the results of his last sim. Frowning, he tweaked a few settings and set the scenario to run again.
Kaidan laughed and looked at the results that had made Joker frown. To him, they seemed perfectly fine. Maybe a degree or two off, but still inside acceptable range.
Of course, Joker had been doing that the last two days- practically since they stepped foot on the ship.
They heard the decon chamber at the same time and had to force themselves not to turn around and watch as the captain went to the airlock to greet their last crew member.
"Captain Anderson," she said in way of greeting, her warm, alto voice crisp and precise- you could practically hear the salute in her voice.
"Commander Shepard, it's good to see you again," he replied and both of the men knew that Shepard was at parade rest. Kaidan also smirked at Joker. Still nothing about her being late. "You're late," the captain continued which caused Joker to smirk.
"The mission went FUBAR, sir," she replied, and everyone could hear the exasperation in her voice. "I need to talk to command and convince them that sending me on a stealth recon mission with a helmsman straight out of the academy is a bad idea- kept going on and on about it being his first mission and," her voice took on a sarcastically silly, over-excited 'fan-girl' voice, "'It's with Commander Shepard- hero of Elysium!'" She sighed tiredly. "I just want a good, seasoned pilot."
Joker waggled his eyes suggestively. He seemed more than willing to be her seasoned pilot.
Captain Anderson chuckled. "That bad, Commander?"
"Well, the shuttle was practically on fire by the time we made it back aboard the Washington and that was after I had to scrub the mission. I tried to salvage it, but that didn't happen. The FNG didn't seem to understand what a covert mission was." She sighed. "Mission is being reassigned to Brooks in three months unless I'm free."
"Good to have you aboard. Since we're here, let me introduce you to two of the crew members," Anderson said.
Kaidan jumped to his feet and snapped a salute; meanwhile, Joker slowly got to his feet and gave a salute as well. He finally looked at her.
She was a small thing- maybe 5 foot 7 (9 at the max) inches tall and thin (muscular, but still thin). With hair that was as red as fire and blue eyes that were deep and intense.
She was beautiful.
He had always imagined her extremely tall, and probably pretty- not beautiful. She was always described as larger than life- apparently completely figurative.
Shepard snapped a salute to the two men and nodded. "At ease," she instructed, looking them both over with a look that said that she would miss nothing.
"Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau- our seasoned pilot," Anderson said with a small grin, gesturing to Joker.
"Call me Joker," he said in response, taking off his hat and running his left hand through his hair nervously.
Shepard shook his hand with a small smile. "I'll have to remember that, and you're going to have to tell me the story of how you got that name."
Anderson gestured to Kaidan. "Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko."
Shepard studied him carefully, seeming almost surprised at what she saw. Kaidan wasn't quite sure how to analyze her look but, honestly, it didn't matter- she was the XO after all (not to mention the fact that she was the Commander Shepard).
She held out her hand and his own engulfed hers. Despite how much smaller her hands were than his, he could still sense the restrained power that was in them. After a moment (almost a moment longer than necessary), she took her hand back. "I read your file, Lieutenant," she said. "You're a biotic- L2."
Kaidan tensed. "Yes, ma'am," he confirmed.
She nodded. "I look forward to working with you in the field- I've never worked with a biotic on my squad." The way she said it, it almost seemed like she wanted to add, Should be fun.
"It's not as exciting as you might think," he stammered, trying to pull his eyes away from her.
"Bending dark energy to create small mass effect fields with your mind isn't exciting?" she questioned, looking at him seriously.
It was in that moment that he knew he was feeling something for his commander. Most of his superiors looked at him like he was an aberration of humanity, she just looked merely curious- not awe-struck or frightened.
Then again, she was a complete badass and knew how irritating it was when people looked at others in awe or fear because of their abilities.
Kaidan laughed and shook his head. "I suppose I'm a bit jaded."
Shepard smiled at him- a smile that lit up her entire face- and nodded. "As I said before, I look forward to working with you- both of you."
She and the captain turned and walked away. Kaidan and Joker sat down, not quite sure what to think of their XO. "You owe me a hundred creds," was all Kaidan could think to say.
Joker looked over at Kaidan with a studious look that almost matched Shepard's in its intensity. "Fine. Just keep your tongue in your mouth next time you're looking at her."
Kaidan gave him a dirty look, but otherwise ignored the comment. It wasn't his fault that the new XO looked like one of the sexy military holos he had when he was younger- even despite the fact that she was in regulation uniform and wasn't letting her breasts spill out.
"Joker," Anderson's voice said over the comm, "set a course for the Citadel."
I will not drink, Shepard repeated silently in her head as a mantra as she made her way to the Normandy.
But, oh, how it would solve a bunch of her problems- or, at least, make her forget that she had any problems to begin with. If she drank enough, she might get lucky enough to forget her own name- and, if she could manage to forget her name, she might also forget about the Reapers, and the loss of her friends…and dealing with Adria.
A few times, without thinking, she started towards the bars before she managed to wrangle herself in. She had other duties. She couldn't focus on the loss….
…Though it felt like a dishonor to them.
She would place a plaque with Thane's name on the memorial wall (just like she did with Mordin's), stand silently in front of the wall for a few minutes, and then move on to her next duty.
…As though honoring the memories of her friends was really a duty. No, it was real…real grief and sorrow.
She sat down on a bench in the docking bay, hunched her shoulders, and hid her face in her hands. She wanted to go back in time.
How pathetic was it that she kept thinking that?
Back to a time when she was able to save everyone- soldier and civilian alike. Back to when she didn't need people to make sacrifices so that more could live.
But, would she really be willing to lose her experiences on the Normandy? Lose Garrus, her best friend? All the others?
Kaidan? Or, at least, the memories she had of him.
It always came down to those questions.
Sighing, Shepard stood up and replaced her Commander Shepard expression and walked confidently to the Normandy.
Another day. Same questions. Still no answers.
Story of my life.
Kaidan looked over as he heard the door to the docking tube open. A small smile made its way onto Shepard's face before it left just as quickly. "Kaidan," she greeted him. "Hey, I wondered where you went." She paused and studied him for a moment. "What's up?"
Straightening up, Kaidan shrugged. "I'm just trying to wrap my head around what just happened," he admitted.
"You sound angry," she murmured, sounding worried as she took a step back.
He hated how she back away from him and repeated the same words that she had on Horizon. He hated how his tone had her bracing for impact.
Stepping away from the wall, he uncrossed his arms. "Not angry," he assured her, "it's just every day you have an armed standoff with someone like you- and then Udina to boot." He began pacing in the limited space. "How it all went down, it's got me…I don't know."
She nodded her head. "Okay, talk to me. Let's have it."
"If I hadn't backed down, could you have shot me?"
"No. I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters. Main thing is that we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."
"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard," he insisted, feeling his temper rise. When he saw her take another step back to the point that she was pressed against the wall, he forced himself to cool down a little. "Later, when you have to live with yourself." He looked out the window. "Knowing that you acted with integrity- then it matters."
"You're talking about Udina," she said gently, still not moving towards him. "You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot. You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing."
You had to take the shot.
No, he didn't really have to take the shot. He had still been unsure about what was happening. No, he took the shot because of the look Hope had had in her eyes.
And, here she was, giving him a way out.
She would never hold it against him that he hadn't believed her- even after everything. After all his words in the hospital- he had almost been willing to let her get shot.
And, damn it, if he wasn't going to let it go.
…for now, anyway.
"All right, thanks." He turned to Shepard and studied her face, drinking in the details- her exhaustion and her hidden pain. "Look, Shepard, there's another reason I'm here."
She flinched. Damn it, she flinched! She was anticipating his words and she fucking flinched!
"Oh?" she all but whispered.
"Hackett offered me a position," he informed her, trying to ignore the second flinch, "but I'd turn it down in a second if there was even a chance to join you on the Normandy again."
She blinked rapidly a few times before nodding her head. "Couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you."
"Thank you, Commander," he said. He hesitated for a minute before offering her his hand. She, too, hesitated before taking it (the look in her eyes as surprised at what she saw as when they had first met). "And, Shepard…I need you to know that I will never doubt you again. I meant what I said back there."
I choose you.
The unspoken three little words hung in the air as they stared at each other, neither taking back their hand. Her small, ghost-smile returned as she nodded her head almost unperceptively.
"Good to know," she said as professionally as she could. "Welcome aboard, Major."
Kaidan saluted her. "Aye, aye, ma'am."
As Kaidan made his way into the airlock, he could practically feel Shepard's eyes on his ass.
Good to know that some things never change.
Author's note: Okay, this chapter was a tad bit longer than I originally anticipated (but, I suppose, it kinda makes up for last week's short chapter). The reason for the length was the flashback section that I've been working on for a while for this very chapter!
Thank you all for the comments, favs, and follows!