A/N: Again I am overwhelmed by the response this little story has received. You are all too kind. I am officially renaming this as a multichapter as I know I have too much of the story left to cover in another couple of chapters. But panic not to all those who are afraid of it escalating into mammoth proportions, I promise it won't.
And I don't normally do this but I want to mention two stories I'm highly addicted to at the moment. Please read them if you haven't already. CBI Australia by FiascoWay (thank you for the shout out for my story Trust in your A/N so I'm returning the favour here!) and Desolation by damnitjane (it is M rated so you need to fiddle with your filters for it to show up, it's well worth reading). There are lots of others too but I could go on and on and all you really probably want to do is get to the next chapter of this one. So, before I witter on further (I know, too late) here you go...
Chapter 3 – Cleaning Up & Confessing
Jane pushed his head under the shower spray, its miniscule head barely eliciting more than a light drizzle onto his blond curls. He bowed his head further, closed his eyes and allowed its tepid warmth to wash over him. He opened his eyes at the noise of droplets of water as they tip tapped their way onto the off white plastic shower tray below, their gentle rhythm almost hypnotic. He placed a hand on the clear plastic wall of the cubicle beside, sighed loudly, willing his brain to sharpen into a semblance of a man she would recognise once more and not the pathetic wreck she'd ordered to clean up for the second time in both their lives. He barely took time to consider why her opinion of him was so important to him, only acknowledging to himself that it was. After allowing the hot water to drift over him for fifteen minutes he felt vaguely human again and exited the shower, drying himself off with a coarse towel that had seen too many washes and was so thin it left patches of damp skin across his body. He had grown to hate this cheap motel room.
He dressed in a freshly laundered shirt and pants, the items crumpled from a lack of dry cleaning and an iron but clean at least.
He found her standing over his kitchenette hob, kettle on the boil, her face staring at the wall in front of her, thoughts elsewhere. He glanced over at the dresser, noted the remaining miniatures of alcohol were no longer there. Disposed of down the sink he assumed. Not for the first time in her life she'd done that for a man no doubt. Her shoulders sagged and her posture spoke of weariness and worry, the strength she'd given him depleting her own as if she'd just passed a baton in a race and was rapidly running out of steam.
She turned to find him watching her from the doorframe and jumped slightly. "Jesus, Jane, you and those damn shoes of yours. I swear sometimes you only wear them so you can creep up on people."
He smiled softly at her, trying to hide the shame he felt that she'd witnessed him at his lowest, his mask shattered.
She blinked rapidly in succession before smiling back, compassion written all over her face. She said nothing for a moment as she turned back to the stove, the kettle whistle the only sound in the room. "Help me with the tea," she said dispassionately, more of an order than a request.
He moved immediately to fetch cups from a cupboard, milk from the fridge, could see her hoping a mundane task like making tea would help him feel more like the Jane she knew again.
As he splashed milk in the cups she followed behind with teabags. He poured the just boiled water into them, handing her the one without the chip. Their eyes met again. She went to take a sip from the cup but he took it back off her just as it reached her mouth, placing it and his own on the counter beside them. He stepped forward, bridging the distance between them and saw her eyes widen in surprise. He put his arms around her, pulling her flush to his body, his hands across her back as he squeezed tighter. Tense at first at the unexpected hug she quickly relaxed into his embrace, putting her arms around him in turn. A tear escaped and she brushed her eye over his shoulder to hide it from him.
"Hey, it's a clean suit, don't mess it up on me." His voice was soft, teasing, a little shaky and she wasn't entirely sure his eyes were dry either as he moved his cheek across her hair.
He breathed her scent in fully, closed his eyes and remembered all the nights of the past six months where he'd wanted to be exactly where he was right now. His thoughts ran to murkier, more perilous waters as he ran a hand through her hair, felt her heart thump against his chest as he did so. His own heart rate sped up and an image of hoisting her onto the counter top played in his mind, of kissing her until they both couldn't think straight or form coherent sentences, of for once allowing passion take the place of prudence.
She pulled back from him, her face flushed as she averted her eyes. He knew instantly he wasn't the only one just entertaining lustful thoughts.
"What was that for?" she asked, picking up her cup and taking a long sip, her hand trembling slightly.
He fetched his own and shrugged. "Because when I tell you the full story it might be the last time I get the chance."
"That bad, huh?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow.
He sucked in a breath. "Yep. That bad. You're going to be angry."
"Well, if it helps I'm already pretty angry."
He pointed at his black eye. "I fear you might want to give me a matching set." It was a small joke but it felt so good to establish rapport with her again.
"I have to say I am a little envious I wasn't the one to inflict that upon you," she smiled, pointing at his eye.
He grinned back. "Well, the day is young, Lisbon. Don't lose hope just yet." More seriously, he gestured to the table at the window. "Let's talk then, shall we?"
As they sat sipping their teas Jane filled her in on his plan, to fake a breakdown, get fired, to effectively give up the life he'd been living, to lure Red John to come looking for him. For a long moment she said nothing.
"That's the dumbest plan I've ever heard," she finally replied.
"It's working," he replied evenly.
"Is it? Really? Because Jane what I walked into wasn't a man faking a breakdown. It was a man in the midst of one!"
He sighed and nodded. "Look, I accept I haven't exactly been myself lately. That the pressure of keeping this up has been getting to me." He leant forward, his eyes focused on hers. "But I'm close, Lisbon. I'm so close I can feel it."
She exhaled loudly. "What makes you think that?"
"It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you go back to Sacramento. Let me follow through with this. You being here may make me lose this chance. I'll call you in a few days; week at most, let you know how I'm doing. I promise."
She snorted at his words. "Yeah, right. Why on earth would I believe a word you say? You played me, Jane. For six months you let me worry myself sick. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat-"
"I'm sorry," he said, interrupting her softly. "I couldn't risk telling you the truth. If you behaved in any way that was anything less than authentic then he'd know this was a con. We know he has friends at the FBI, more than likely CBI too. They'll have been watching you the most for your reaction. So I had to fool you. If I could fool you I could fool anyone."
She pondered his words, ignoring the hurt they caused. Then she uttered, "Bullshit."
"Excuse me?" he gaped.
"Bullshit, Jane. What you said may partly be the truth but not all of it. You didn't tell me because you didn't trust me enough to do so. Because you can't help but be secretive and controlling. Because, at the end of the day you don't give a damn about who you hurt as long as you get what you want."
"I do trust you," he countered.
"You have a funny way of showing it," she huffed.
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I've never made any secret of the fact that I'll do whatever it takes to catch him. I made a judgement call not to tell you my plan because I know you'd have tried to stop me or insisted on helping me in secret. And...well if a plan means hurting you then...I can't help that or dwell on it at the time...but it's certainly not something I ever want to do willingly. It doesn't mean I don't care about you or trust you. There's no one else I care about or trust more. You must know that by now, Teresa."
She knew he was sincere but his words didn't make the pain she'd felt for the last six months suddenly disappear. "What did you expect to happen after this? Say this grand plan of yours fails to catch him. What was your plan, then? Did you expect to come back to CBI, apologise and think I'd just take you back with open arms?"
He chanced a small smile. "Well, I don't know about open arms but I figured there would be a requisite amount of grovelling for a little while."
She glared at him but was angrier with herself. "You know what? You're right. You'd have come back, flashed that damn charming smile of yours, acted remorseful for a few seconds and I would have gone along with it as usual. I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot. You're a good person."
"They're not mutually exclusive," she sighed.
"You think my smile is charming?" he grinned.
"Oh, shut the hell up, you know it is."
He laughed softly. "You have a pretty charming one yourself on the rare occasions you let it show."
"Yeah, well I haven't had much to smile about lately."
"Nor have I," he said quietly, looking down.
She puffed out a breath, moving away from the misery they'd both lived the past six months. "You know I'm going nowhere until you tell me the rest. So, why do you think you're close to catching him?"
He hesitated, his instinct to lie to her immediately kicking in, to withhold as much as the truth as possible. Secretive and controlling. The words she just used to describe him rolled around his head. She'd just brought him back from the brink of despair and a part of him still wanted to deceive her. He wished she could see he didn't deserve her time or her worry.
Finally he exhaled and nodded. "Because I've been approached by one of his disciples."
"You have?" she replied, eyes wide, surprised both by the fact she hadn't had to prise the truth out of him and by his revelation. "What happened? What did they want from you?"
"Well, actually they haven't even specifically told me they know him yet."
"But you said- Okay, what happened exactly?"
He picked up their cups and dropped them in the sink before filling and putting the kettle back on the boil. He stood at the foot of the bed. "A woman named Lorelei has been watching me for a few weeks now in one of the casinos off Fremont Street. She has a job as a cocktail waitress there. Just before I was arrested she struck up a conversation with me. So, we never got to finish our discussion-"
He stopped talking suddenly and frowned; obvious to Lisbon he was pondering something important.
"What Jane?" she prodded.
"Maybe that was part of the plan. For me to get arrested. For me to sink even lower. At the time I thought it was pure dumb bad luck that a man I owed money to would suddenly show up that night but...perhaps he'd been told by Red John or one of his disciples to find me there at that specific time. I didn't meet him in that casino, swindled him in one at the far end of the Strip. When I think more clearly now it was a hell of a coincidence that he confronts me the night Red John sends someone to talk to me and you know I don't believe in coincidences. Not where Red John is concerned."
Lisbon moved from the chair to face him. "Do you have any idea how paranoid you sound? You sound like one of those conspiracy nuts, Jane."
He tilted his head from side to side. "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me," he smirked.
She rolled her eyes. "You're trying to make pieces from different jigsaw puzzles slot into place. Let's take the girl first. She more than likely works off tips. She sweet talks customers to get them."
"She wasn't after a tip, Lisbon. Besides anything else I'm not exactly flashing my cash around here."
"Okay then. Well then maybe she just likes you. Is attracted to you." She added, blushing, "Takes all sorts, I guess."
"Now I think you're the one that's crazy. You saw the state of me when you arrived here. What young attractive woman in her right mind would want a piece of that?"
She averted her eyes and licked her lips, only just stopping herself from asking just how young and attractive this woman was. Warmth rose in his heart at the sight of her barely contained jealousy. "Lisbon, trust me, I know she works for Red John."
"How can you be so sure if she hasn't told you that yet?"
Now he was the one who was uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going. The whistle of the kettle saved him temporarily. He washed the cups and filled them up again. She stood at his side in the kitchenette as he dipped the teabags. "Because she's a test for me," he said quietly, not looking at her.
"A test, what kind of test?"
He handed her a cup. "I suspect Red John wants her to seduce me." He kept his eyes down, his voice almost a whisper. And thought here we are peering through the looking glass, about to crash right through it.
"What?! Wh-at are you talking about?!" she stammered.
He lifted his eyes to meet hers, tried to keep his tone emotionless. "The last person I had sex with was my wife," he stated.
She had always suspected that was the case but to have it told to her so blatantly caught her off guard. She flushed that they were talking about sex. Redder when it was Jane's sex life. Or lack thereof.
"You don't need to look embarrassed, Lisbon. I'm not." He shrugged, clearly not self conscious that it had been years since he'd made love to someone.
"You didn't need to tell me something like that, Jane," she ventured.
"I did if you want me to discuss Lorelei's plans with you. Allow them to be put in perspective of the bigger picture."
She nodded in consent. "Okay. So what has one thing got to do with the other? He wants to make sure you're really ready to move on from Angela? It's a test to show him that you have by having sex with this woman after all these years celibate?"
"Partly that, yes."
She put her cup on the counter and leaned against it, riveted to the spot. "What else?" she frowned.
He played with his wedding ring for a few seconds, his gaze off to the side, mulling over his next statement. He closed his eyes briefly and swallowed before he looked at her again. "He also wants to make sure I'm not holding out for someone else at a later stage. That I've given up on that dream too."
She narrowed her eyes at him, trying to read the meaning behind his enigmatic words.
"Do you need me to draw you a picture, Teresa?" he added softly, smiling affectionately at her.
She gaped in shock, her mouth opening and closing like a fish in water. "Jane, um..." She just managed to get out.
"Bet you wish you hadn't thrown the rest of the drink down the sink now," he smirked, covering some of his own awkwardness from his admission.