Chapter 4 - Love & Leaps
Lisbon moved back a step, afraid being closer to him might push her into making a similar declaration of her own. "Um," she stammered again, her brain frantically thinking of what else to say in response to his statement.
"Why would you say something like that?!" she finally said, her tone accusatory as she went on the defensive in place of admitting his significance to her.
Jane picked up his cup from the counter and shrugged as he took a long sip. Now that he'd actually shared with her what he hoped his future might look like someday he felt strangely at ease that he'd voiced it and that he no longer had to hide his true affection for her. He felt light suddenly, a burden lifted from his shoulders, one less secret to hold onto. "Because it's true. You've always wanted the truth from me, correct?"
Lisbon, on the other hand, was panic stricken. "Yeah, but...but I never expected something like that to come out of your mouth."
"Really? Is it that hard to believe that I've grown to have feelings for you? We've spent practically every day together for years. We talk, joke around, tease, even flirt on occasions...I trust you implicitly and you know how hard that is for me. You're my best friend, Lisbon. You mean...well you must know how much you mean to me. Frankly, what I find harder to believe is that you're so shocked."
She shook her head, her cheeks growing redder every second. Her heart was both racing and swelling at his heartfelt words. Her mind was in a spin. She had been attracted to him for years and this time apart had only solidified those feelings and made her face the hard truth that she had clearly fallen in love with him. But she never imagined coming here would result in her leading to make an affirmation to that affect or for him to intimate he felt the same way. She wasn't ready for that, and certainly not until she knew more about his plans where this Lorelei woman was concerned. Plus he hadn't exactly said he was in love with her either, just perhaps that things were heading that way. She had always deemed it better to act cautiously where her heart was concerned and had protected it since she was as old as she could remember. And with Patrick Jane she had found it better not to show her hand straightaway, experience telling her to wait in case he pulled out a Royal Flush and demolished her.
She finally replied, "Well I am shocked. What on earth do you expect me to say back to something like that, Jane?"
"You don't need to say anything back. In fact, I'd much prefer it if you didn't. Would probably only complicate matters further at the present time considering my current predicament with Red John."
She took a deep breath, pushing the information he'd just shared with her to the back of her mind. She would have time later at some stage to have a full blown panic attack and eat a tub of rocky road to come to terms with it. She stuttered, "So, Lorelei?"
He nodded slowly, his face solemn once again. "Yes. Lorelei."
"What do you intend to do about her?"
He sucked in a breath and looked her straight in the eye. His voice emotionless he responded, "I intend to do whatever it takes if it secures me a meeting with Red John."
"Whatever it takes?" Lisbon frowned. "What precisely does that mean?"
A second's pause. "If I have to have sex with her to get me in a room with him then I will."
She gaped at him, unable to form words for the second time in minutes. Her heart, that was soaring seconds before, plummeted like a rock thrown over a cliff. Although the pain his absolute honesty caused her it was tempered by some relief she hadn't made a fool of herself by admitting her feelings for him just moments previously.
"It won't mean anything," he continued, his voice soft now.
Her legs almost crumpled under her and she backed away and sat on the side of the bed, unable to look at him. "You're a damn fool if you honestly believe that," she bit back with sharply when she was capable of speech again.
He sighed loudly and sat down beside her. "I'm absolutely serious, Teresa. It won't mean a thing to me," he reiterated, his voice quiet but resolute.
She shook her head next to him. "You're wrong," she whispered.
He touched her hand and she drew it away instantly, placing it on her lap. He sighed again and ran the hand down his cheek instead. "It would be a means to an end and absolutely nothing else."
Finally she turned her head towards him, shot him a withering look, tainted with undeniable hurt. "You've just told me you haven't slept with a woman in almost a decade. You truly believe that you'll be able to sleep with this Lorelei person without it affecting you? Because that's just crap, Jane. Even you won't be capable of detaching yourself emotionally when you have sex with someone. Especially not after all this time."
"You manage it. You have the occasional one night stand after all."
As she opened her mouth he put a hand up to stop her going off again. "It's not a judgment about you, Lisbon. Just an observation. When you've had a terrible day sometimes you want a warm pair of arms. It's human nature to desire that and not something you should be ashamed of."
"I'm not ashamed of it but it's hardly the same thing, Jane," she sighed.
"Why not? To be blunt you get what you need from whoever it happens to be and you leave with barely a thought about it afterwards. Same will be true of my situation."
She was too angry to be embarrassed by his thoughts on her sex life.
"Well, I wouldn't categorise it as being as simple as that but the difference is that it's my choice who I decide to share a bed with, no one else's. I'm not sleeping with someone because it's what a serial killer wants me to do! And I don't leave it years from one encounter to the next which is bound to play with anybody's mind. Never mind that I haven't been carrying a torch for someone I've lost during pretty much all that time into the bargain!"
She got off the bed and began to pace at the end of it, her hands turning into fists. "Jesus, Jane, he's playing you and you're allowing him to do it. Falling in line with what he wants. Getting you to play his game and turn you into whatever the hell he wants you to be. Just like always!"
Jane stood up and frowned. "Just like always? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And I'm playing him this time. Not the other way around."
She scoffed, "Yeah, you tell yourself that. Sleep with his whore and see if you feel any different. You'll tell yourself afterwards you don't in any case. Might even convince yourself that it was your only option. Just keep on pretending he isn't killing a decent part of you every day he drags you into his sick mind games."
Before he had a chance to respond she continued, her voice rising and gathering pace.
"Go on; continue to let him dictate how you live your life. Every action you take you consider his thoughts on what he'll read into it. It's like some kind of abusive marriage that you can't seem to get yourself out of! You allow him to interfere with every aspect of your existence and use him as an excuse not to move on with your life at every turn!"
Jane stormed up to her, fire in his eyes. "You think I don't want to move on from him! You think I want to live and feel this way every day! You saw what the last six months did to me. You think I didn't want to be back in Sacramento instead, to see you every day and not be living in this dump, miserable and alone! You think if I could I wouldn't like to just stop for a minute, forget about him and-"
He stopped talking, his eyes fixed on hers, his breathing erratic. They trailed to her mouth, parted open slightly as she still breathed heavily from her own rant.
"Stop and do what?" she asked quietly as she caught her breath, moving a step closer, noticing the anger had turned to undisguised desire in his eyes in this instant.
He took a deep breath and licked his lips. Tentatively he moved a hand to her cheek, trembling as he traced its fingers down its curve. Lisbon's heart rate increased and she swallowed at the sensation of his rough fingers caressing her so gently. She was afraid to move a muscle in case he snapped out of the trance he suddenly appeared to be in.
"Kiss you," he finally breathed, his eyes fixed on her cheek as he continued to stroke it.
"Then just kiss me," she whispered. His eyes darted to hers immediately. She saw the fear in them, the trepidation of what it would mean for their friendship if he crossed that line, of what it would mean to him and his con.
"It might go and ruin what we have already," he countered quietly before he removed his hand and sighed loudly.
Deflated at the loss of his touch as the charged moment between them dissipated she replied, "You're still planning on sleeping with a mistress of a serial killer seconds after telling me you wanted to be with me someday. I'd say we're already pretty screwed up in the friendship stakes or whatever the hell this is between us now."
He nodded, laughed softly without any humour attached to it and looked down. "Hmm. When you put it like that..."
"Yeah," she exhaled and made a move to go towards the kitchenette. As soon as she took a step away he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back towards him. "Jane, what are you-"
Her words were stopped by Jane's lips finding hers. He pulled her fully against him, wrapping his arms around her and kissed her again, more firmly than the first hesitant swipe of his lips. They drew apart for a second as Lisbon stared at him in surprise. He smiled and kissed her again, deeper and more passionately, longing in his eyes before he closed them and plunged his tongue into her mouth. After a second she responded, her hands going around his neck and playing with his hair, still damp from the shower as he continued to kiss her more urgently and desperately. In a matter of seconds he moved her towards the bed and they tumbled onto it together, all hungry kisses, heat, only increasing as the release of years of pent up craving took over them, each tearing at the other's clothing, thoughts only on wanting the other's bare skin against their own. In their haste they began laughing as they had trouble breaking apart long enough to get their clothes and shoes off.
"It never looks like this in movies, does it," Jane muttered as he lobbed a shoe across the floor while trying to take Lisbon's bra off with his other hand. "So uncoordinated in reality."
Lisbon laughed as she had trouble with Jane's belt buckle, all the while trying to toe off her own shoes. Then a grain of reason began to permeate her thoughts and she stilled Jane's hand on the hook of her bra. "Hang on."
"I can do it. Used to be a dab hand at doing this one handed. Just a little out of practice."
She rolled her eyes. "Not that," she said, taking a breath to centre herself. "Are we crazy contemplating this? Especially after everything we've discussed today. And we haven't resolved a damn thing. We're getting carried away and we're acting impulsively. Neither of us is thinking straight."
Jane released a breath and nodded. "You're most probably right." His eyes drifted nonetheless to her impressive décolletage enclosed in black lace.
"Jane!" she exclaimed, noticing where his eyes were fixed and gaining his attention.
He smiled sheepishly at her and shrugged.
Then he said seriously, "Okay, would this have happened if I'd stayed in Sacramento? Would we have taken this leap forward at this stage in our relationship with Red John still out there? Would we be doing this if we hadn't been apart for so long? If you hadn't come here today and saw the mess I was in? If I hadn't told you what my plan was? The answer to all those questions is unmistakably no."
He continued, his eyes staring at hers with an intensity she had never seen. "Am I afraid? Are you? Are we rushing into this because we're not certain what's going to happen next between us? Is this the craziest notion we've ever entertained? Should you go back to Sacramento instead, keep far away from me and Red John? Yes, most probably, to all of those."
He took a large intake of breath. "But at this instant I only have one question for you. Do you want to stop?"
"I...I don't know," she replied honestly but looking at him with his shirt off was almost giving her palpitations. "Answer me this first. Do you still intend to sleep with that girl?"
He thought for a second then shook his head. He kissed her softly. "As soon as I kissed you I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with that." He narrowed his eyes at her but smiled. "And I suspect you already guessed that would be the case when you told me to kiss you."
She shrugged. "Well, perhaps hoped more than guessed."
"You were right; it's too far over the line, even for me. But if you hadn't come here I don't think I'd have realised that. I was too far invested in the con. Then like you said I'd have justified my decision even if it tormented me afterwards. Especially if it turned out it didn't ultimately get me Red John."
Lisbon smiled, released a breath of relief and tears pricked at her eyes. "But...then what will you do? How do you intend to get to him if that's what he wants you to do? After six months-"
"Haven't the faintest idea at this moment. Guess I'll have to adapt, think of another plan. I'm sure I can still use her somehow, though. She's a good lead. Best one I've ever had."
He tapped a finger to his lips thoughtfully. "Although-" he said, the word slowly rolling off his lips.
He paused then sighed loudly.
"What?" Lisbon frowned in concern, leaning in towards him.
He suddenly smiled wolfishly at her. "Well right now my mind is more interested in discovering if that bra of yours is part of a matching set than setting a trap for him. It's kind of a distracting thought. Might be able to concentrate better if I knew for sure."
Lisbon grinned widely. "Really? Well then as I see it we have two options. One I could simply tell you or-"
"I'll go for option two," he interjected, pushing her flat onto the bed, making her shriek in surprise. "And find out for myself."
A/N: So, yeah, I went there. And instead of an emotional and heady love scene I wanted to write a little more of a funny one for a change to break up some of the tension prevalent in the first few chapters. Now, is sleeping together the best thing to do under the circumstances? Hmm. I'm in two minds myself but I'm in a holiday mood as I look at the beautiful Irish scenery around me so I'll blame that! Might weave that little dilemma into the story in the next chapter as they come to terms with sleeping together.
And what will that mean for the Lorelei storyline? Safe to say we are in extreme AU territory by now...hope I haven't made it too OOC but that you'll continue with it in any case. Couple more chapters to go. Thanks again for your lovely comments and words of support for this one.