Author's Notes: Since I left the last chapter on a bit of a cliff, I decided to give you all this chapter after only a day of waiting (the comments I received were great and inspired me to put you all out of your misery.
Thank you for everyone who commented, favorited, and followed (I don't think I can stress how much that makes me smile.

And, MissMeggo from AO3 (whose ff handle I don't know), I know I said probably Monday, but I finished my paper on the Art of Video Games early, hence the reason this came early.

Small Chapter 31 Recap

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, Hope," he murmured.

"For what?" Then the entirety of his words hit her. "Wait. What'd you just call me?"

"I'm sorry for not doing this as soon as I saw you on Horizon," he answered, ignoring her second question.

"Not doing wha-"

Kaidan cut her off by pressing his lips hard against hers, effectively ending the argument.

Well, for a minute, at least.

After she regained her senses, she pulled back her hand and caught him on his chin with a right hook (as soon as she did it, she belatedly thought that she could have just slapped him, but…well…that just wasn't her style). Kaidan stumbled backwards and stared at her- shocked.

She had kissed him back. Their tongues had warred with each other- his nose filled with nothing but the scent of her. She hadn't melted into his arms as she would have before, but it was still filled with a passion that no one could ever match.

Hence the reason why he was surprised that she had punched him.

Her eyes were dilated and she was struggling to control her breathing. To say that she was angry would be putting it lightly. There was few times that Kaidan thought she wasn't beautiful, but, in that moment, the only true equivalent would be to compare her to Goddess' of old.

Needless to say, Joker's words of confronting Kaidan about the past were at the very forefront of her mind. Joker had been right and Kaidan had put himself into the situation where she had the perfect opening for it.

"Hope…" he murmured, reaching out to her.

"Don't," she snapped, slapping his hand away from her. She stepped forward and pushed him out of her space. "You have no right to touch me or call me by my first name- not after everything that you've done and said."

Without thinking, he said, "I thought you said we were okay about Horizon."

Her mouth dropped open and she shook her head. "How the hell could I be okay with it? You called me a traitor- said that I turned my back on everything we stood for! You questioned who I am- what I believe and know! You walked away from me and didn't even glance back! I was devastated, Kaidan!" she shouted, shoving a finger into his chest. "I don't know what was worse on Horizon- thinking that the Collector's had abducted you and you were on that damn ship, or your words…but I'm pretty damn sure it was your words."

To Kaidan, she looked like an avenging angel and he couldn't stop himself from reaching out to her again. He needed to touch her-to prove to himself that she was real and just as passionate as she always had been.

She slapped his hand away again. "I don't want to be placated, Kaidan. You need to listen to me!"

When he nodded his head, she frowned at him. She wasn't quite sure how she wanted to say everything.

It didn't matter.

It just needed said.

"I gave the Illusive Man a single finger salute after I blew up the Collector Base. I was getting ready to head to Earth to turn in myself and the Normandy when Hackett called me up and diverted me to the Bahak system. I didn't want to kill all those Batarian's, but the choice was taken from me. I gave myself over to Alliance custody because that's where I belong- where I've always belonged. Despite what you said, I always knew where my alliances lay. I was raised in the Alliance, I died in the Alliance, and, god damned it, I needed to be back in it since I was alive again.

"Then the Reapers attacked and we headed to Mar's. After everything that I went through to get back to the Alliance- to prove that I am still the same woman- you question my motives! You question whether I really defected from Cerberus or not. It's not like I sought Cerberus out, Kaidan! I died- suffocated above Alchera just as I was entering atmo-," Kaidan visibly flinched as she confirmed what he had always feared (her still being conscious as she entered atmo), "and Liara and her friend found me and gave me to them. I would have gladly stayed dead if it meant that I never had to work with them and I would never have had to see the disgust in your eyes.

"What right do you have? At what point do you think we can just mention it in passing and that it'll all be okay? I am a living person, Kaidan- despite the persona that I display. I am a living woman who has more emotions and needs than I let everyone see…you used to know that. We haven't talked about those two times and we haven't talked about your doctor that you tried to move on with."

Kaidan stared at her with his mouth gaping open, at a loss for words. Before him stood the most amazing, strong woman he had ever known and she had let him have it in clear, concise- albeit, angry- words. She was completely right and he hated himself that he had bought into her false acceptance of her apology.

She was right and he had deserved getting punched in the face.

"D'you know what I was told today, Kaidan?" she demanded, her eyes full of fire- of an inferno. "I saw Jacob Taylor- one of my crew when we were sailing under Cerberus colors. He told me that he wanted a life and a family. When I told him that I understood…he disagreed with me- told me that the Normandy's my real love. I wanted to argue…but I…didn't. What kind of person am I that everyone thinks that I can't love anything other than a damn ship?"

"You-"

"Shut up," she snapped. "You have no right to talk yet. It's your turn to listen.

"Then, when I informed him that it doesn't mean that I want to say to hell with it, he informed me that I won't- that I can't. Then I thought about it as we were coming back to the Normandy. Instead of going with you to the escape pod on the SR-1, I died to save Joker. I gave my life for a ship- just like he had been willing to do. I didn't even think twice about it- I just ordered you into the pod and left…I didn't look back. I knew you'd be safe, and I had to worry about the Normandy and Joker."

"You're both wrong- you and this Jacob. It had nothing to do with the ship when you…died," he informed her, stumbling over the word. "You did what you did for your crew. You're just as protective of your crew as a mother is of her child. Jacob doesn't know what the hell he was talking about, Hope, and neither do you."

She glared at him, her eyes desperate and angry at the same time. "Is that all I'm aloud to have?" she demanded. "A crew instead of a family? What right do I have to ask anyone to be with me when I'm so fucking dedicated to my crew?"

"Hope-"

"I don't know how the hell you know my first name- it either had to be Hackett or Anderson-, but you can take that damn word and shove it up your pompous, self-righteous a-"

"Stop," Kaidan interrupted her, gripping her upper arms and looking down at her with kind, understanding eyes. "You have every right to be angry."

She glared up at him. "I never had any doubt about that! At what point did you think that I was worried if I was right or not?"

He ignored that. "I was wrong to not listen to what you had to say on Horizon and, instead, I said things that I should never have said. I've kicked myself over and over again for walking away from you- for not looking back at you…at least once."

"Yet you still had the nerve to question me on Mars? Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of what you feel bad about."

He frowned at her, his eyebrows furrowing together. "I have no excuse for what I said on Mars. A part of me could still only see that Cerberus emblem. The other part just wanted a reaction from you.

"With James, you're so much more relaxed…more open. When you're with him…you smile a lot more…you don't try to censor your words. You don't just accept his flirtations…you answer them in kind. He's a lot like you…and obviously what you wish you could still be. When you're with him, you get to be carefree and cocky, flirtatious and tempting….

"With me, it's like your anticipating me saying something wrong- and I'm not denying that I deserve it. That doesn't make what I said any better, but it's the reason why it was said." He ran his hands up and down her arms- marveling at her allowing him to touch her. The taste of her was still on his lips and he yearned to have another taste…but he held himself back.

Shepard hated him in that instant. She could have strangled him without a second thought and called Garrus to dispose of his body.

His reasoning was sound and she probably would have reacted the same way.

If he had been the one that went through dying and being brought back…then was around a hot little Lieutenant the made him act like a different person…she would have egged him into confrontations as well.

It was just who they were.

"Which one told you my name?"

It took Kaidan a moment to catch up with her sudden switch of topics. "There's nothing wrong with your name. Hope Ann Shepard suits you."

She pursed her lips. "It was Hackett, wasn't it? That bastard."

"Hope-"

Her hand reached out and slapped him across the face.

She refused to apologize.

And he refused to let his gentle hold on her arms go.

"The fleet Admiral is going to be a new one before the end of the war because our current one is going to go missing," she hissed, contemplating different way of accomplishing it.

"You don't mean that," he murmured matter-of-factly.

Shepard frowned at him. A part of her hated that he didn't think twice about her empty threats. When he moved one of his hands up to cup her face, she flinched- making it his turn to frown.

All he could think was that there had once been a time when she would have never flinched from him. She would have leaned into his touch and ran her hands up his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'll never be able to say that I'm sorry enough." He ran his thumb across her cheek, his eyes drinking in everything about her face- everything from her bright blue eyes to the missing scars from her previous life and the new ones that he didn't know the stories of. "I don't know if you can ever forgive me- a part of me doesn't expect you to-, but I'd like us to, at least, be friends."

Feeling drained, she hesitantly rested her hands on his arms. "Kaidan-"

It was a small feeling of happiness that entered him and it would have been more so had she not hesitated.

"I don't expect an answer right now. We've both said and done things that need to be processed." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead and lingered there for more than a few moments. When he leaned back enough to rest his forehead on hers, he sounded sad…almost defeated. "After all that I've put you through, the least I could do is leave the choice in your hands- not pressure you. I won't bother you anymore."

She had no words as he leaned back and stared at her with sad, understanding eyes. "All I want is for you to be happy, Hope- you deserve nothing less than that." He released her and left, leaving her to stare at the empty space where he had been.