He's Not Dead Yet
I get it! I don't own Harry Potter or Monty Python, ya blimey, pusillanimous bastards!
*Looks sheepish* I'm sorry. I get a little…on edge. After all, I haven't slept since 1945.
What is the Main Food that Penguins Eat?
When Harry's vision cleared, he was sitting on a very familiar wall on a very familiar street. In an alleyway across from him, Harry saw a very, very familiar dog. Harry, thinking quickly, opened his trunk and pulled out a small packet of biscuits he remembered he had stolen from the kitchen and hidden in his trunk in that timeline. He opened the packet, held out a biscuit, and gave a soft whistle. The dog eyed the biscuit hungrily (Harry knew Sirius probably hadn't seen real food in ages) and darted forward to accept the offered food.
"Hey, Padfoot," Harry said as he gave his 'dog'-father another biscuit.
The dog froze and his eyes met Harry's.
"Yes, Sirius, I know who you are and that you're innocent."
The dog began to wag his tail; his eyes looked tearful.
"I can't tell you how at the moment, but I have a plan. I'll need you to pretend to be a dog for a little while longer, okay?"
Sirius nodded.
"Okay." Harry stood up, uttered "Lumos," and held out his wand to summon the Knight Bus.
A few moments later, there was a crack and the violently purple triple-decker appeared.
"Welcome to The Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand, step on board, and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike, and I will be your conductor for this evening."
"Hi," Harry said; he wasn't sure why, but it was actually reassuring to see Stan again; the pimply-faced teen was yet another innocent person whose life he could save. "Er…is it alright if my dog comes with me?"
"Sure 'fing, s'long as 'ee don't cause no trouble," Stan replied.
Stan helped Harry load the trunk onto the bus and directed him over to one of the beds.
"Eleven Sickles," Stan said.
Harry handed him the money and took his seat; Sirius jumped onto the bed after him.
"Take 'er away, Ern."
Harry still wasn't used to the Knight Bus and had to cling to one of the bedposts to keep from falling onto the floor. Sirius gave a soft bark that sounded very similar to a chuckle. Throughout the duration of the ride on the Knight Bus, Harry noticed that Stan was watching him curiously, as if trying to figure out where he'd seen him before. Soon enough, they arrived at the Leaky Cauldron; and who should be there? Why, none other than the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge.
In a matter of minutes, Harry was in a private room in the Leaky Cauldron, having a conversation with the Minister. Harry had to suppress a very real urge to throttle the man for everything he did in the previous timeline. Fudge, once again, asked Harry to stay in Diagon Alley and not venture out into the Muggle world.
"Sir," Harry asked towards the end of the conversation, "I was just wondering, do you know where I can find the law firm of Bayly, Black, and Prewett?"
"Oho, why would you wish to know that, Harry?" the Minister inquired.
"It's just that there are some things I need to sort out and I feel I should consult with legal experts."
"Well, I don't see any harm in telling you, Mr. Potter. Bayly, Black, and Prewett are three blocks up from the entrance to Diagon Alley in a rather stately office building. You can't miss them."
"Thank you, Minister. Good night."
"Good night, Mr. Potter."
Harry followed Tom the barkeeper up to the same bedroom he had the last time. Harry had requested some food for his 'dog,' which Tom quickly supplied. Once they were alone, Sirius changed back into his human form.
"Well, Pup," Sirius said with a curious smile, "I think you said something about an explanation?"
The guys at the Ministry of Death had informed Harry that Sirius was trustworthy with keeping the truth a secret. Even though the man was very addled from his experience at Azkaban, he would do anything for Harry. The next couple hours led to a discussion about what all happened in the previous timeline.
"So, let me get this straight," Sirius said once Harry finished his story. "I was killed…by drapery?"
"Because you weren't taking your fight with Bellatrix seriously," Harry finished.
"Right, and then Dumbledore planned to have old Snivellus kill him. Then you went on a hunt for Voldemort's Horcruxes, which led to a horrendous battle at Hogwarts. And, lastly, you found out that you had a Horcrux in your head and turned yourself over to Voldemort to be killed."
"Yeah," Harry said with a sheepish look.
"What in bloody hell were you thinking?"
"I was thinking that if there was a chance for Voldemort to be defeated, then I would take it; even if it meant losing my life. What was one boy's life in comparison to all of magical Britain, or even the world?"
"Harry…"
"No, Sirius, it's okay. After I 'died' I was shown into an office at the Ministry of Death. While there, I learned what exactly was going on. Dumbledore had been manipulating my life from the moment he placed me on the Dursleys' doorstep. He knew perfectly well that I would be starved, neglected, even beaten."
Sirius winced and growled internally. Those Dursleys were going to pay for what they did to his Pup; but not as much as Dumbledore who was responsible for putting him there in the first place.
"My advisors at the MoD said that my so-called friends, the Weasleys, were actually spying for Dumbledore as well as being used to influence me. Well, most of the Weasleys are actually trustworthy; it's Molly, Ron, and Ginny who are the problems. Arthur Weasley is cowed by his wife and has no idea what's going on. Percy may act like a pompous git at times, but when he broke away from his family it was actually because he was protecting them (it seems that he knew his promotion was an attempt to spy on the family and so he made it seem like he was angry with them in order to keep them safe and to spy on the Ministry himself). The twins, Fred and George, are rather irresponsible; but, if they can be convinced to try harder, they will actually be even more successful; their loyalty is to their family, unless they find that said family is doing something wrong; plus, they are huge fans of the Marauders and will probably do anything you tell them to once we've cleared your name. Bill and Charlie are nice guys who just want to live their lives and work at the jobs they love; both care about their family, but have some issues with their mother because of how much she tries to convince them to quit their current jobs and work for the Ministry; they would probably take our side, too.
"Molly Weasley has gotten it into her head (probably Dumbledore's doing) that I am destined to marry her daughter. She also probably has her eyes on my money and influence."
"Wouldn't put it past her," Sirius interjected. "Molly Prewett was used to living in a high-standard way. After all, her uncle, Ignatius Prewett, did marry my Aunt Lucretia. And the Blacks never married anyone who was not of a high position and good fortune. Well, except for Cousin Cedrella, but she got disinherited."
"Yep, after she married Septimus Weasley." Harry was shaking his head amusedly. Somehow, it always came back to Weasleys. "As for Ginny, the girl has been obsessed with me since she was little; it probably didn't help me that I rescued the girl from Tom Riddle last year.
"And as for Ron; well, what can I say? He's been pretending to be my friend in the hope of getting some of the spotlight, he's been reporting my actions to Dumbledore, and he's hurt my only real friend. Next time I see that bastard, I don't know if I can restrain myself from attacking him."
"Just remember what happened to me, Harry," Sirius pointed out solemnly. "I acted rashly after finding out a friend had betrayed me, and I ended up in Azkaban."
"And that's something we're going to fix. Tomorrow we're going to Bayly, Black, and Prewett; we'll sort out some of my problems and get a defense lawyer to build a case for you."
"Anything else I should know about your plans?"
"Yes, I hope to reform the magical world and bring Hogwarts into the twentieth century. Also, I'm the Heir of the Hogwarts Founders and the Peverells and I will need to have no less than six wives."
There was an awkward pause before Sirius finally spoke.
"I need a drink."
The next morning found Harry up bright and early. Harry knew he shouldn't show up at a law firm in his cousin's cast-offs, but he didn't have anything nice to wear other than his school uniform; Harry felt that a trip to Madam Malkin's was in order in the near future. After a quick shower and an attempt to tame his hair (helped largely by his new Metamorphmagus ability), Harry was dressed and ready to set out. Sirius had asked to tag-along in his Padfoot form. It was fairly early and not many people were out in Diagon Alley yet. Harry and Sirius made their way cheerily up the street.
Soon they came to a large, limestone building that had a fairly Roman style to it; above the door, in fine gold letters, was the message: Bayly, Black, and Prewett, Attorneys at Law. Nervously, Harry rang the bell; a few moments later and the greened-copper doors were opened by a young house-elf. Harry was reminded painfully of Dobby; Harry promised himself that Dobby would not die for him in this timeline.
"Can Nixi helps young master?" the elf squeaked.
"Um, yes, I would like to request legal representation from this law firm," Harry replied.
"Please follow Nixi, sir, and she wills takes you to Missy Bayly."
Harry and Sirius followed Nixi into a finely-decorated waiting room; behind a marble desk was a young woman with soft, grey-blue eyes and Weasley-ish ginger hair that stuck out in odd angles in way that reminded Harry of a Muggle singer by the name of Janis Joplin.
"Missy Bayly, a young man and his dog to see yous."
"Thank you, Nixi," Miss Bayly said.
"Can Nixi get anything for Missy Bayly?"
"No thank you, Nixi; that will be all for the moment."
Nixi disappeared with a pop and Miss Bayly turned her attention to Harry and Sirius.
"Good morning, young man, may I help you?"
"Um, yes, my name is Harry Potter," Harry noticed she went wide-eyed when he said that, "and I was hoping to get some sort of legal representation as I feel there are some things that I will need help in carrying out."
"Certainly, Mr. potter, anything in particular?"
"I would like to see my parents' will and have it carried out. I was only just recently made aware that they had one, in fact."
"Certainly, Mr. Potter, who is your guardian?"
"I have been living with my Muggle relatives for twelve years, but I believe Albus Dumbledore claimed status as my Magical Guardian."
"Very well. Anything else?"
"I would like to discuss that later."
"Alright then." She began to look through a binder. "You're in luck, Mr. Potter; my father, Hamilton Bayly, is available and he is one of the best lawyers in our firm, if I do say so myself."
She led him into a rather cluttered office where a middle-aged gentleman was busily writing something down.
"Mr. Bayly," she said in what was clearly a mock-formal tone, "Mr. Potter is here to see you this morning.'
"What?" the man said startled.
"Mr. Harry Potter to see you."
"Oh, do come in, have a seat."
"He's hoping you will help him in executing his parents' will. It seems that Albus bloody Dumbledore has screwed-up again."
"Frieda, mind your language."
She then turned and offered Harry a hand.
"By the way, I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself before. I'm Frieda Bayly; but everyone just calls me Red."
Harry took the offered handshake.
"Nice to meet you, Red; and, please, call me Harry."
Red smiled and turned to exit the office.
"So, Mr. Potter," Mr. Bayly continued, "you wish to examine the contents of your parents' will? I will be only too happy to help you. Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't hear the will when you were eleven and officially declared a wizard."
"As I mentioned to your daughter, I was only recently made aware that my parents had a will. As for why I haven't heard it yet, your daughter was quite right to say it was Albus Dumbledore's fault. You see, he claimed the status of my Magical Guardian when my parents were killed and I believe he had the will sealed. I have spent the past twelve years living with my Muggle relatives because Albus Dumbledore thought it was the best place for me." Harry noticed that Sirius was growling softly. "As it happened, I grew up thinking that magic didn't exist and being told that my parents died in a car accident that they caused because they were drunk."
"Mr. Potter, I was on fairly good terms with your family," Mr. Bayly said; his eyes were dark. "Your grandmother, Dorea Potter nee Black, was the one who introduced her brother Marius to my father and helped this firm get started. Anyone spreading such falsehoods about James and Lily Potter are going to find themselves in a great deal of trouble." His voice sounded as much like a growl as Sirius'.
"And…lying to me wasn't the only thing they did," Harry stated. Swallowing his pride, Harry related the incidents that had happened to him over the years he had lived with the Dursleys. By the end of it all, Mr. Bayly had to pour himself a glass of sherry.
"Mr. Potter, I can guarantee that you will never be going back to your aunt and uncle," he said. "Furthermore, once we have ascertained the content of your parents' will, we shall push to have you declared an emancipated minor."
"I would also like to request a Gringotts inheritance test," Harry added. "I was informed by an anonymous source that I am an heir to more than just the Potter family."
"Of course, Mr. Potter; I will put you in touch with our company accountant/liaison to Gringotts." He then pressed a button on his desk. "Josiah, I need a word."
"Be right up, Hamilton," a voice replied.
A few minutes later and a well-dressed man with greying red hair swept into the room. Harry remembered that Ron had told him how Mrs. Weasley had a cousin who was an accountant, but the family never talked about him.
"Yes, Hamilton."
"Josiah Prewett, meet Harry James Potter."
"Merlin's Beard!" exclaimed Mr. Prewett as he shook Harry's hand.
"Um, by any chance, are you related to Molly Prewett?" Harry asked.
Mr. Prewett's face darkened.
"Kindly never mention that cow again, Mr. Potter; she, like everyone except her brothers (God rest their souls), shunned me because I was born a Squib. She is a vicious, self-absorbed, overbearing harridan."
"I'm sorry, sir, it's just I heard she had a cousin who was an accountant and I thought…"
"It's alright, Mr. Potter." He waved his hand dismissively. "Now, what is going on, Hamilton?"
Mr. Bayly explained the situation and Mr. Prewett agreed to immediately head over to Gringotts to schedule a meeting in the Inheritance Department. Harry then decided to bring up another issue.
"Mr. Bayly, I was wondering if you knew any details about the trial of Sirius Black," he said.
"Why, no, Mr. Potter; why would you want to know that?"
"Sirius Black was allegedly responsible for my parents' deaths; I just wanted to know if he ever gave a reason for it."
"It's about time someone asked!" another voice interrupted.
Harry turned and saw the voice came from a rather irritated-looking painting of a man who looked very much like Sirius, but more clean-shaven and with shorter hair.
"Marius," Mr. Bayly said, "what are you doing here?"
"I heard my baby sister's grandson was here today; I'll be damned if I just sit in my portrait in my son's office when my grand-nephew finally decides to drop in. Hello, Harry, I haven't seen you since you were no bigger than a Quaffle."
"Um, hello, Mr. Black," Harry replied.
"It's Uncle Marius, Harry. And what's more, when I come by to meet one grand-nephew of mine, I find an opportunity to help another. In all the time I knew Sirius, I know he would never have betrayed little Jamie. Those two were like brothers."
Hearing that, Sirius decided to change form; much to Mr. Bayly's surprise and alarm.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Uncle Marius," Sirius said. "And he's right; I never betrayed James and Lily."
Mr. Bayly was rubbing his temples; it was going to be a long day.
Two hours and a great deal of tea and sherry later, Mr. Bayly had a clear-cut case to present to the Wizengamot. Harry had also brought up the issue of protecting his image in the media; Mr. Bayly said that Harry could sell the rights to use his name and image and any unauthorized usage would be subject to lawsuits. Harry knew just the media source he would sell the rights to.
Deciding to take a break for lunch before continuing with the plans he was making with Mr. Bayly, Harry stepped out into Diagon Alley with Sirius (in his dog form) trailing behind. The two had a quick meal at the Leaky Cauldron when who should they encounter on their way out? Luna Lovegood was out and about in her rather eccentric attire. Harry never really noticed before, but Luna was quite pretty. Deciding it was as good a time as any, Harry went over to introduce himself.
"Hello," Harry said to Luna, "You're Luna Lovegood, aren't you?"
"Yes," she replied in her rather distracted and dreamy voice, "and you're Harry Potter."
"I believe I've seen you at school. You're in Ravenclaw."
"Yes, we have a very pretty common room."
"As long as it doesn't have any wrackspurts in it, I'm sure it's wonderful."
Luna's face immediately lit up in a smile at the fact that there was someone who obviously didn't think she was crazy for believing in things like wrackspurts.
"I'm afraid that quite a number of my fellow Ravenclaws have nasty cases of wrackspurts. And what makes it worse is that those who do have no interest in getting cured."
"Luna, by any chance, are you related to the owner of The Quibbler?" Harry, of course, already knew the answer.
"He's my daddy."
"I was wondering if I could negotiate selling the rights to my name and image to The Quibbler. You see, far too many people have been making money off of printing things about me that are completely made up; I want to ensure that anything about me is printed by a trustworthy media source."
Luna's smile became even bigger.
"I'm sure daddy would be happy to help you, Mr. Potter."
"It's Harry, Luna; my friends call me Harry."
"I've always wanted friends," she said with a gentle sigh. "Does your Animagus want to sell the rights to his name and image, too?"
"Huh?" Harry said in disbelief.
"Your Animagus, the Grim sitting next to you?"
"How did…?"
"Oh, was I not supposed to know? I'm sorry."
"No, no, Luna, it's alright, just please keep that quiet."
"Alright, Harry. I'll go find daddy so you can talk to him about that negotiation."
With that, she skipped off.
Harry had forgiven Xenophilius Lovegood for his actions in the previous timeline; he was just a man who wanted to protect someone he loved; Harry could relate to that. Mr. Lovegood was only too pleased to help Harry and joined him at the meeting in Mr. Bayly's office. When Sirius changed back into his human form, rather than be terrified Mr. Lovegood smiled and greeted 'Stubby Boardman.'
"I always knew you were innocent, Mr. Boardman," Xenophilius said. "I've been working on some research and planned to release an article in the coming years. I'm afraid I had to push it back a bit because of a pressing article about a sighting of Blibbering Humdingers."
Sirius gave Harry a look that plainly said 'are you sure about this?'
After a quick assertion that Sirius was not Stubby Boardman, the painting of Marius Black burst into laughter.
"I know why he thinks you're Boardman," the portrait chuckled. "My daughter, Estella Black, married a wizard named Silas Boardman and their eldest son, Stephan, was affectionately dubbed Stubby in his teenage years because he absolutely refused to shave. And the funny thing is he looked just like Sirius. It was even more confusing when the boys went to school together."
Sirius started laughing and told a quick story about the time he had Stubby swap uniforms with him so he could sneak into the Hufflepuff dormitory.
Mr. Bayly's older brother, James Bayly III, was soon called in to draw up the media contract (as contracts were his area of expertise). Within an hour, The Quibbler had exclusive rights to Harry Potter's name and image. After that meeting was over and the Lovegoods departed (with a promise from Harry to Luna that he would write), Josiah Prewett was shown in and nearly had a heart-attack when he saw Sirius Black. After a quick explanation, Mr. Prewett divulged the arrangement with Gringotts.
"You are scheduled for a meeting on Wednesday at 2.00 pm with Director Ragnok. Until that time, I suggest that you make a point of going in for a robe-fitting unless you already own decent business-attire. I recommend Twilfit and Tattings; they are a little pricey, but the quality of the clothing is worth it. If you are favorable to the idea of having me as your legal representative there, I shall await you at the Leaky Cauldron at 1.15pm.
"As for the will, that shall be read after your meeting with the Director. Director Ragnok was most interested in meeting with you, Mr. Potter; he did not tell me everything, but he did say that, when he checked your bank file, he noticed some errors. I seem to recall Director Ragnok shouting at one of his subordinates about a 'greedy, conniving, old bastard' and 'stealing from valuable clients' or something to that effect."
A look was exchanged throughout the room. Everyone knew exactly who it was that Ragnok was angry with.
"There's one more thing I would like to discuss today," Harry said. "Who do I have to speak with about issuing restraining orders?"
Libra Black had encountered a number of cases in her time, but none were as appealing to her as the idea of finally seeing that bastard Severus Snape get a good kick in the ego. Her grandfather, Marius Black, may have been a Squib, but Libra was a Hogwarts Alumna of the class of '88. During her years in Hogwarts, one professor had so infuriated her that she was oh-so-tempted to take a leaf out of her forbears' book and resort to some very unpleasant measures in retaliation to the actions of said professor.
Since she was a Black, Libra had been something of a social pariah due to the connections with what was considered a Dark family. But the stigma of her name had also earned her the vicious harassment of the Potions master of Hogwarts; it was not until her 'allegedly' evil cousin, Sirius Black, presented himself in her office that she learned the reason for such derision. After one meeting with the man, Libra knew at once who her favorite cousin was. When her cousin's godson, none other than Harry Potter himself, asked her to draw up a restraining order against Severus Snape, Libra felt that someone upstairs must really like her.
As the young legal official drew up her statements for the Wizengamot, while sipping on some very good sherry, she was imagining just what the look on old sour-grape Snape's face would be when he found out he couldn't bully Harry Potter anymore.
Yes, life was good.
Author's Note: Just thought I should point something out. Yes, Frieda is meant to be a self-insert (I have decided to make cameos in some of my fics), no, that is not my name; my name is actually Laura, but I needed to give my OC a name that sounded like it could be turned into 'Red' so I could be 'Red Bayly.' Also, the name Hamilton is one from my family (Hamilton Winston was my great-great-great grandfather). Ironically, my dad was a lawyer in real life just like my OC's dad is.
I have also decided to cut back on the use of my OC in this fic as I think she came across as annoying in the original.