Chapter 10
I do not own Supernatural in any way.
A/N-In this chapter, we see Castiel start to fall, like really fall. Italics are Castiel narrating.
I'm an angel with a shotgun,
fighting til' the wars won,
I don't care if heaven won't take me back.
I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe.
Angel with a Shotgun
You know, I've...I've been here for a very long time.
And I remember many things.
I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach and an older brother saying, "don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish." I remember the Tower of Babel...All 37 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time.
And when it fell, they howled 'divine wrath'.
But come on - dried dung can only be stacked so high.
I remember Cain and Abel...David and Goliath...Sodom and Gomorrah. I remember the day my Celeste was born. I remember the first time we were together, the way she looks at me.
And, of course, I remember the most remarkable event- remarkable because it never came to pass.
It was averted by two boys, an old drunk, a young female archangel in love, and a fallen angel.
The grand story.
And we ripped up the ending and the rules...And destiny...leaving nothing but freedom and choice.
Which is all well and good, except... Well, what if I've made the wrong choice? How am I supposed to know? I'm getting ahead of myself.
Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything.
"Hello, Dean. Are you all right?" Castiel asked, appearing in the Impala with Celeste.
"Yeah, I'm...I'm fine. How are you?" Dean said.
"Just wanted to check in", Celeste told him.
"So, any word on, uh, Satan Jr being alive?" Dean asked.
Celeste looked away as Castiel told Dean another perfectly formed lie.
"I'm...looking, believe me. I just don't understand how Crowley could've tricked me", Castiel said.
"Well, he's a tricky son of a bitch, that's how. Doesn't matter. But if he is up and kicking, then what does matter is finding him, ripping his head off, and shoving it up his ass", Dean said.
"What about you? Have you found anything?" Castiel asked.
"No, nothing yet", Dean said.
"Where's Sam?" Celeste asked him.
"He's keeping busy. He's tracking a Djinn in Omaha as we speak. In fact, I'm heading out there right now to meet up with him", Dean said.
"Well, I'd come if I could", Castiel said.
"Yeah, no, I-I get it. No worries. But, Cass, you'll call, right? If you get into real trouble?" Dean asked.
"Of course he will, Dean", Celeste said when Castiel didn't say anything.
Castiel and Celeste appeared in Crowley's lab next.
He was examining Eve's corpse when they walked in. "Howdy, partners", Crowley said when he saw them.
"Don't pull me into this", Celeste snapped.
"What have you found?" Castiel asked.
"I've found a lot of things. For example...Eve's brain? Dead as a tinned kipper. And yet. For some reason...She keeps laying eggs", he said pulling eggs out of her body.
Celeste's nose crinkled in disgust the way Castiel loved.
"Watch this", Crowley said. He took a poker and placed it on Eve's brain.
The shackled vampire seized violently.
"Chocula here feels every tickle", Crowley said.
"What is that good for?" Castiel asked.
"Apart from the obvious erotic value, you got me", Crowley said.
"You call that erotic?" Celeste asked.
"To each his own, love", Crowley told her.
"You said Eve could open the door to Purgatory", Castiel said.
"Correct. I did. And I'm confident that she could have if she was still alive! Single best chance to get over the rainbow, and the Winchesters killed her!" Crowley yelled.
Celeste found it hard to deny that Crowley was scary when mad.
"It was unavoidable", Castiel said.
"She was attacking Dean", Celeste said.
Castiel turned on her and gave her look that said, 'Shut-up'.
"You screwed up, Cass. You let the hounds mangle the pheasant, and now I am up to my elbows in it", Crowley said.
"What is your point?" Castiel said.
"The point is...You're distracted, and that makes me nervous", Crowley said.
"I am holding up my end", Castiel said.
"Ah, yes. But is that all you're holding? See...the stench of that Impala's all over your overcoat, Angel. I thought we'd agreed - no more nights out with the boys", Crowley said.
"I spoke with Dean. I needed to know what they know", Castiel told him.
"About what? About me, maybe? 'Cause I happen to have it on good authority that your two little pets are currently trying to hunt me down! Forgive me, but I think you might have a little conflict of interest here", Crowley growled.
Unable to control herself anymore, Celeste stepped forward.
"The boys know nothing. Absolutely nothing", she told Crowley, "And Castiel's not distracted. He's got me. I'll keep him on track".
"You'd better…or else I'll have your wings and your head on a silver platter", Crowley threatened.
Crowley had a point, of course.
My interest was conflicted.
I still considered myself the Winchesters' guardian and Celeste's.
After all...they taught me how to stand up...What to stand for...And what generally happens to you when you do. I was...done. I was over.
And then the most extraordinary thing happened.
I was put back.
And we had won. We stopped Armageddon. But at a terrible cost. And so I knew what I had to do next.
Once again, I went to Harrow Hell, to free Sam from Lucifer's cage.
It was nearly impossible, but I was so full of confidence, of mission.
I see now that was arrogance...Hubris...Because, of course, I hadn't truly raised Sam - not all of him.
Sometimes we're lucky enough to be given a warning. This should have been mine.
"Please. I'm begging you, Castiel. Just kill the Winchesters", Crowley said.
"No", Castiel growled.
"Fine. Then I'll do it myself", Crowley said.
"If you kill them, I'll just bring them back again", Castiel said.
"No, you won't. Not where I'll put 'em. Trust me", Crowley said.
"I said...No. Don't worry about them", Castiel reassured him.
"Don't worry about - what, like Lucifer didn't worry? Or Michael? Or Lilith or Alastair or Azazel didn't worry?! Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn't underestimate those denim-wrapped nightmares?!" Crowley yelled.
"Just find Purgatory. If you don't, we will both die again and again, until the end of time. The Winchesters won't get to you", Castiel said.
"Let them get to me! I'll tear their friggin' hearts out!" Crowley yelled.
"Come on Celeste", Castiel said.
The two walked out.
Castiel dropped Celeste off at her house before he popped in on the Winchester's.
So - they already suspected.
And the worst part was Dean, trying so hard to be loyal, with every instinct telling him otherwise.
If there was a demon counterpart to Bobby Singer, Ellsworth would be it. These demons would lead the Winchesters to Crowley, and Crowley would tear their hearts out.
I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Celeste… Or to protect myself. I-I don't know anymore. Hiding...Lying...Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure.
After supposedly "saving" Sam, I finally returned to heaven.
Of course, there isn't one heaven.
Each soul generates its own paradise.
I favored the eternal Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who drowned in a bathtub in 1953.
If I was allowed a heaven, it would be Celeste and I together…with a family.
If I knew then what I know now...I might have said..."It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it."
Those first weeks back in heaven were surprisingly difficult.
Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.
And then there was Raphael...
I'm not ashamed to say that my big brother knocked me into next week.
The Winchesters tried to call me. But I didn't go to them...Because I knew they would have questions I couldn't answer...Because I was afraid. I didn't allow Celeste to go either.
Suddenly, demons started attacking the Winchesters and Bobby.
"That's it", Celeste said. She appeared in her hunting gear. She whipped out her blades and went to work on them.
Crowley sent his very best.
I was caught as much by surprise as the rest of them.
And it left me with yet another choice.
I could reveal myself and Celeste and smite the demons.
Of course Crowley wouldn't like it.
But on the other hand, they were our friends.
For a brief moment...I was me again.
And it seemed Celeste was enjoying herself for once.
"It is good to see you, Cass", Dean said, "Celeste".
"Likewise", Celeste said, breathing heavily and eyes sparkling.
"You all right?" Castiel said.
"Yeah. Perfect timing, Cass", Sam said.
"I'm glad I found you. I come with news", Castiel said sharing a look with Celeste.
"Yeah? What?" Dean asked.
"I firmly believe Crowley is alive", Castiel said.
'Great. Now Crowley will definitely have my wings and head', Celeste thought.
"Yeah. You think, Kojak? Well, Bobby, what do we think about Cass saving our asses...Again?" Dean asked.
"I think we owe you an apology", Bobby said.
"Why?" Castiel said.
"We've been hunting Crowley this whole time...And keeping it from you", Sam said.
'So we've all been lying to each other', Celeste thought, 'The plot thickens'.
"We thought...You were working with him", Bobby said.
"You thought what?" Castiel asked them.
"I know. It's crazy, right?" Dean asked.
"It's just that you torched the wrong bones. It doesn't matter. We - we were wrong", Bobby said.
"You know...You could've just asked me", Castiel said.
"And we should have. We never should've doubted you. It's...I just hope you can forgive us", Dean said.
Wonders never cease. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie.
"It's forgotten", Castiel said.
"Thanks", Dean said.
"Yeah. Thanks, Cass", Sam said.
"It is a little absurd, though", Castiel said.
"I know, I know", Bobby said.
"Superman going to the dark side", Castiel said, accidentally revealing to them that he had been watching them, "I'm still just Castiel".
"I guess we can put away the Kryptonite, right?" Dean asked.
"Exactly", Castiel said.
Of course, I didn't realize it at the time. But it was all over. Right then - just like that.
Castiel stormed into Crowley's lab with Celeste following.
"You sent demons after them?" Castiel growled.
"You kill my hunters. Why can't I kill yours?" Crowley asked.
"They're my…our friends", Castiel said remembering Celeste was with him.
"You can't have friends, not anymore. I mean, my God. You're losing it!" Crowley yelled.
"I'm fine", Castiel said.
"Yeah. You're the very picture of mental health. Come on. You don't think I know what this is all about?" Crowley asked.
"Enlighten me", Castiel snapped.
"The big lie - the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cass, the righteous Cass. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore", Crowley said.
Castiel shoved Crowley against the wall.
"I'm only gonna say this once. If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement - everything. I'm still an Angel, and I will bury you", Castiel snapped.
I asked myself, "what was I doing with this vermin?"
As if I didn't already know the answer.
Raphael was stronger than me.
I wouldn't survive a straight fight. So I went to an old friend for help. But watching him, I stopped. Everything he sacrificed, and I was about to ask him for more.
I couldn't go to Celeste. She was adjusting to her life as the daughter of Gabriel.
Every night, Gabriel would tuck her in and kiss her head. She was accepting him being her father. "Night Gabe", she said. She wasn't quite ready to call him 'Dad' yet. "Goodnight sweetheart", he said.
I would watch over her as she slept liked I did when she was a child.
A smile always came to my face when she stirred and muttered my name, as if sensing my presence.
From what I could tell, they were happy.
I was no fool. I knew who Crowley was and what he did. But I was smarter than him, stronger. I see now that I was prideful.
And in all likelihood, I was a fool.
I wish I could say I was clean of pride at that moment... Or the next.
And so went the long road of good intentions...The road that brought me here.
On top of all this, my greatest fear lingered in the back of mind.
Losing Celeste because of my actions.
"Castiel, uh...We need you for a little powwow down here, so come on down", Dean said.
"Hello", Castiel said appearing with Celeste.
"Oh, Johnny on the spot", Bobby said.
"You're still here", Castiel said puzzled.
"Yeah, we had to bury the bodies", Sam said.
"And we found a little whiskey. Thanks for coming", Dean said.
"How can I help?" Castiel asked.
"Oh, look. We, um - we have a new plan. We think we've finally figured out a way to track down Crowley", Dean said.
"What is it?" Castiel said.
"It's you", Bobby said lighting a match and dropping it.
A ring of Holy Fire appeared the two angels.
Celeste yelped and jumped back. Her heartbeat sped up and her eyes became wide.
It pained Dean to have to hurt Celeste in the process.
"What are you doing?" Castiel asked.
"We gotta talk", Dean said.
"About what? Let me go!" Castiel yelled.
"About Superman. And Kryptonite", Dean said.
"How'd you know what I said?" Bobby asked.
"How long you been watching us?" Sam asked.
"You know who spies on people, Cass? Spies", Dean said.
"Okay, just wait. I don't even know what you mean", Castiel said.
"What about this demon craphole? How is it so, uh..."Next to godliness" clean in here?" Sam asked.
"And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?" Bobby asked.
"It's hard to understand. It's hard to explain. Just let me go. Let me out and I can…" Castiel said.
"You got to look at me, man. You got to level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley. You son of a bitch", Dean said when Castiel wouldn't look at him, "And Celeste? You too?"
"I only followed Castiel. I never had anything to do with this", she explained.
"Let me explain", Castiel said.
"You're in it with him? You and Crowley have been going after Purgatory together? You have, huh? This whole time", Castiel told him.
"I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you", Castiel said.
"Protect us how? By opening a hole into monsterland!" Sam yelled.
"He's right, Cass. One drop got through, and it was Eve. And you want to break down the entire dam?" Bobby asked.
"To get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me", Castiel said.
"Trust you?! How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?" Sam asked.
"I'm still me. I'm still your friend. Sam...I'm the one who raised you from Perdition", Castiel told him.
"What? Well, no offense...But you did a pretty piss-poor job of it. Wait. Did you bring me back soulless...On purpose?" Sam asked.
"How could you think that?" Castiel asked.
"Well, I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cass", Sam said.
"Listen. Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice", Castiel said.
"No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one", Dean snapped.
"You don't understand. It's complicated", Castiel said.
"No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!" Dean yelled.
"It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?" Castiel asked.
"I was there. Where were you? You should've come to us for help, Cass", Dean said.
"Maybe. It's too late now. I can't turn back now. I can't", Castiel said as a demon smoke cloud appeared.
"It's not too late. Damn it, Cass! We can fix this!" Dean yelled.
"Dean, it's not broken! Run. You have to run now! Run!" Castiel yelled.
Dean, Sam, and Bobby ran out the door, leaving Celeste and Castiel trapped.
Crowley entered the house. "My, my. Playing with fire again?" he asked. Crowley snapped his fingers and put out the flame.
"If you touch the Winchesters..." Castiel threatened.
"Please. I heard you the first time. I promise - nary a hair on their artfully tousled heads. Besides, I think they've proven my point for me. It's always your friends, isn't it, in the end? We try to change. We try to improve ourselves. It's always our friends who got to claw into our sides and hold us back. But you know what I see here? The new God/Goddess and the new Devil, working together", Crowley said.
"Enough. Stop talking. And get out of my sight", Castiel growled.
"Well...Glad I came. You're welcome, by the way. You know the difference between you and me? I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?" Crowley asked.
Celeste transported herself home. She wanted her mother, she wanted Gabriel, Balthazar, anyone. She wanted someone to tell her that it would all be okay. That she was doing the right thing. She collapsed in tears on her bathroom floor.
So, that's everything. I believe it's what you would call a...Tragedy from the human perspective.
But maybe the human perspective is...Limited. I don't know.
That's why I'm asking you, Father. One last time.
Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path?
You have to tell me. You have to give me...A sign. Give me a sign.
Because if you don't...I'm gonna ju- I'm gonna do whatever I... Whatever I must.