He's Not Dead Yet
You know, I really do enjoy writing this story. My only problem is that I am not sure how to write romance as I am not overly fond of the sappy, fluffy, lovey-dovey stuff that I have seen in many works. And I also don't really want to jump headlong into the relationships like I've seen happen before. It's quite the conundrum.
Just remember while you're reading this chapter not to take this story seriously.
Oh, and I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter or Monty Python.
Have You Seen the Sugar-Bowl?
Before he knew it, Harry was on his way back to Hogwarts. Harry noticed that a great deal of people were very pleased to see him; especially girls. During the train ride, Harry counted no less than twenty female students (not counting Hermione or Luna) had stopped by their compartment simply to talk to him. Ron still didn't sit with them on the train; it seemed he was still angry at Harry for no discernible reason (not that Harry or anyone else really cared).
The feast that evening actually was rather interesting. Dumbledore had apparently been issued an order by the Gringotts goblins to deliver the Potter grimoire to Harry in full view of the Great Hall with an admission of his guilt. Needless to say, there were many shocked faces.
That night, Harry had decided to read the grimoire as it was the ultimate compendium of his family's knowledge. The leather-bound volume was sealed with an intricate lock that had a small, sharp piece to it so that the reader could confirm he/she was a Potter through a blood test. On the cover of the book was the inscription: Credo Quia Impossible Est. This was the noble motto of the Potters which, translated, meant: I believe it because it is impossible.
Giving the book the required drop of blood, causing it to unlock, Harry turned to the first page which was a detailed history of how the Potter family was started.
"Of all the magical families in Britain, none is older or has had more impact in the country than the Potters. Our story began in Roman-occupied Judea with the birth of a young prophet; this prophet's name was Brian Cohen…"
It was really getting late by the time Harry finished with the origin story of the Potter family.
"…And so, after Brian had been crucified, his lover, Judith, discovered she was with child. She gave birth to a son, Michael Cohen, who later traveled with Joseph of Arimathea to Britain so they could hide the Holy Grail. Michael married a British chieftain's daughter, Gladys, and their daughter, Anna Cohen, married a Roman merchant named Gaius Potus Maximus, a dealer in wine. It is from the name 'Potus' that 'Potter' is derived. And thus began the Potter family."
Closing the book with a slight snap, Harry realized he may have just learned more about his family history than he wanted to. He supposed the old saying was true: "Be careful how hard you shake the family tree or howler-monkeys will fall out."
After his morning jog the next day, Harry headed in for breakfast; he wasn't surprised to see a great number of girls staring at him, all of whom had attended the New Year's ball he had thrown.
He sat down next to Hermione and across from Neville and began to fill his plate. Suddenly, he felt an annoyance in the force.
"You just had to go and show off, didn't you, Harry?" snapped Ronald Weasley. "Not satisfied with being the bloody Boy-Who-Lived, you have to go and do this!"
"Do what, Weasley?" Harry replied coolly.
"You know bloody well what!"
"Mr. Weasley," came the calm but clearly irritated voice of Professor Babbling. "Kindly cease this interruption. You are behaving in a most reprehensible manner that is not acceptable for any student, let alone a Gryffindor."
"Who are you to tell me off?" Ron rounded on her.
"I am your Head of House, Mr. Weasley."
"Yeah, right," he snorted. "McGonagall is Head of Gryffindor."
"I am afraid you are mistaken, Mr. Weasley. Had you been paying attention at the House meeting, you would have known that the Deputy Headmistress relinquished the Head of House position to me."
Ron stared at her blankly.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for your disrespect and I will give you a detention if you don't stop disrupting breakfast. Good day."
The Runes professor made her way back to the staff table, leaving an irate Ronald Weasley behind. Ron gave Harry one last scathing look and then moved away to start loading up his plate.
Soon enough it was time for classes to start.
Ron's ire only increased when Harry presented his new Firebolt. As Harry joined the rest of the Gryffindor team as they were about to set off for practice, every eye was on the magnificent broomstick. Wood was practically dancing with glee at the notion of having a Firebolt on his team.
"That cup is practically ours," he kept saying all the way down to the pitch.
The word that Harry now owned a Firebolt had reached every ear in the school before lunchtime. Harry found the attention rather irksome, just like in the last timeline.
In addition to Quidditch, Defense Club was getting back in the swing of things. Stearns and Lupin had the students divide up into teams and send mild hexes at each other in a simulated battle; Stearns had adapted the idea from something called 'Laser Tag' and the students had a blast.
Harry and Hermione's Occlumency lessons were going well and they'd even brought in a few more students like Neville and Luna, who needed to have their minds protected more than ever now that they knew the truth (although, Stearns had told Luna that anyone attempting to infiltrate her mind would probably get a migraine simply because how her thoughts seemed to be all over the place). Potions with Mr. Preston had certainly become more interesting; Preston had decided to start having his students pick and choose which potions they wanted to brew as long as he felt the potion was within their level of ability.
Indeed, everything was quiet for a long time. That is, of course, until a certain Curse-Breaker stopped by the school.
"Bill!" came an exclamation from the younger Weasley children. Ginny came rushing over and tackled her favorite big brother in a hug.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"I'm here to check the Chamber of Secrets," Bill replied. "It seems that Harry Potter is interested in seeing if there are any hidden rooms or something in the Chamber and so Gringotts sent me over to make sure there aren't any curses."
No sooner had Bill said the name "Harry Potter" than Ron was in a bad mood.
"Why does everything that happens around here have to do with Harry?" Ron snapped.
"Ron," Percy said. "Harry's business is his own. Just because Bill is here to see him it doesn't give you a reason to be angry."
"Yeah, Ronnikins," Fred added.
"You and Harry are supposed to be-" George continued.
"Good friends."
"We were friends until that ponce had to start showing off," Ron replied.
As Harry approached, Ron sulked off.
"You must be Bill," Harry said as he and the eldest Weasley shook hands. "Gringotts sent me a letter that a Curse-Breaker would be coming by."
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Potter," Bill replied. "I've heard a lot about you."
"And I have heard a great deal from your siblings about you. Well, shall we head down?"
"Certainly. After you."
Harry led Bill to the entrance of the Chamber of Secrets.
"I can't be sure yet if I can break all the curses by myself," Bill said. "If they're too strong, I will have to call in some back up."
"If there are any curses," Harry responded, "they will most likely be Parselmagic. And I guess that's where I come in."
"Oh, by the way, Mr. Potter, Gringotts also informed me that they have located another of those 'secret devices' you were looking for. They said they found a shack in Little Hangleton that possesses a great deal of Dark Magic inside it but the dangers cannot be dispelled very easily. They suspect that a Parselmouth will be able to break through the wards better and asked me to inquire if you would be willing to go there with a group of Curse-Breakers to investigate."
"Of course; when do you need me to be there?"
"Next weekend, if that's all right with you. The others are still trying to figure out some of the readings we got from testing the wards around that place. Oh, and Director Ragnok asked me to tell you that the ritual to take care of those 'secret devices' of yours will be ready shortly after Easter."
"Excellent."
Harry and Bill made their way towards the statue in the chamber. Harry spoke the incantation to open the statue's mouth and Bill conjured a rope ladder. He then asked Harry to wait at the bottom while he checked the place for curses. Lo and behold there were no less than fifty different defense mechanisms in place. Obviously Slytherin was the paranoid sort.
Bill informed Harry that he would be back the next day with his team and they could get those curses taken out, though they would need Harry to take care of the Parselmagic spells.
Meanwhile, Fay was on her way back to the Gryffindor common room when she suddenly heard laughter, and not the good kind. Rounding a corner, she saw that Cho Chang girl and her tag-along; they had clearly just knocked another girl to the ground and were now going through said girl's bag.
"Loony," Cho sneered, "You really should've learned by now that freaks like you are a disgrace to Ravenclaw."
Fay's eyes narrowed. If there was one thing she couldn't stand it was a bully. At her primary school, she'd been routinely victimized by a clique of Mean Girls; they had called her a 'freakishly tall, spot-faced loser' many times and, as childish as the insult was, it had always gotten to her.
Fay looked closer and saw that 'Loony' was none other than Luna Lovegood. Now that really irked her. She might find Luna rather eccentric, but the little blonde girl had really grown on her during their time in Defense Club.
"Leave her alone, Chang," Fay growled.
Cho and Marietta turned.
"Oh, hello, Dunbar," Cho said haughtily.
"Or should we say 'Dumb-bar'?" Marietta added.
The two laughed.
Fay raised one eyebrow, silently wondering how those morons had ended up in Ravenclaw.
"We were just teaching Loony a lesson," Cho continued. "Just making sure she knows when she's not wanted."
Fay's blue eyes were icy as they glared at Cho.
"Oh, someone around here is definitely not wanted," said Fay. "But it's not Luna."
"What are you going to do about it?" Marietta quipped.
Fay gave a wry smile that caused both the bullies to become slightly unnerved. You see, it's never a good idea to piss off a genuine Gryffindor.
Her wand shot to her hand faster than Cho and Marietta could blink and with a swift CRACK the deed was done. Marietta had become a rather ugly-looking vole that gave a terrified "EEP!" when she realized what had happened, while Cho's hair had been turned into a vivid green afro and she now sported a clown's nose and make-up and was dressed in an outlandish fairy costume.
Pocketing her wand and trying not to think about how many detentions she would get for doing that, Fay turned to Luna and helped the silver-eyed Ravenclaw to her feet.
"Thank you for that, Fay," Luna said. "I knew that you were the best choice."
Fay shook her head, slightly baffled.
"Best choice for what?"
"Oh, I am not permitted to say just yet. Don't worry, though; you and the others will find out soon enough."
Luna picked up her bag, thanked Fay again, and skipped off. Fay stared after the young girl, still not understanding what she meant but bemused all the same.
The following day, Bill returned with a team of his fellow Curse-Breakers. Harry led them back down into the Chamber of Secrets and, after several long hours of work, they finally managed to get through to a hidden room. It looked like an old, private study. There were piles of books and mountains of scattered notes. Harry examined several curious texts that seemed to be about ways to improve Occlumency shields and guides to the use of Mind Magic. But, what were most surprising were Slytherin's journals. The journals revealed that Slytherin, contrary to popular belief, was not a pure-blood supremacist at all; Slytherin was simply worried about the effect that the Muggle witch-hunts would have on the Muggle-born and that some of the students might be used as spies by their parents in an attempt to find other witches and wizards and have them killed. Slytherin did have a strong dislike for Muggles, but it was mostly because of what the witch-hunts had done to his loved ones. Slytherin also mentioned in his journals a very interesting thing about his heritage.
A new article in The Quibbler was released soon after. Underneath a photograph of Harry Potter and the Curse-Breakers in Slytherin's secret room was the entry:
The Secret Chamber of the Chamber of Secrets
By Xenophilius Lovegood
This past week, an investigation was launched at the urging of Mr. Harry James Potter to see if there was more to the fabled Chamber of Secrets than met the eye. At first, it was believed that the chamber held only Slytherin's monster, the basilisk that terrorized Hogwarts last year, but what was found was truly startling. After the removal of a great many curses and wards placed around the head of the giant statue where the basilisk had been hidden, a secret room was found. Inside were Salazar Slytherin's private study and his vast collection of magic and all the notes he took during his research in various branches of spell-creation.
But the surprises don't stop there. What was also discovered were Slytherin's journals which detailed how he came to dislike Muggles; his family had been virtually wiped-out in the witch-hunts and his dear friend, Helga Hufflepuff, had been subjected to thirteen years of imprisonment and torture at the hands of the same until Slytherin himself rescued her. The famous 'fight' between Slytherin and Gryffindor that allegedly caused Slytherin was not, as most thought, due to the acceptance of Muggle-born students; in fact, there was no fight at all. Slytherin had left Hogwarts because he had decided to retire from teaching so that he could spend more time with his family, whom he missed a great deal.
Also, Slytherin's alleged hatred of Muggle-borns is completely without foundation. Slytherin was concerned for the well-being of the Muggle-born students as he felt their families might try and force them into working as spies so that the witch-hunters could track down and kill more witches and wizards. Salazar Slytherin himself was not even a pure-blood as most have presumed; he was, technically, a half-blood. Slytherin's father, Lord Giseric Slytherin, had married a young woman named Orla, an Irish cambion (what we now call a 'half-breed'). Orla's father was a Muggle-born who had married a being known as a Serpentine Lamia (a shape-shifting creature that, in its true form, takes the appearance of a beautiful woman who is snake from the waist down). Slytherin's legendary ability to speak to snakes was not the result of any Dark magic, but was inherited from his mother's family. The assertion of pure-bloods that Slytherin House is the House of the solely pure-blooded is completely false.
Here is an excerpt of page 299 of Slytherin's journal from year 998 that really sheds some light upon the true Salazar Slytherin.
"Twas a large host of new-bloods (Muggle-born) this year. It truly was a boon that Godric enchanted that hat to sort the students for us as many were qualified for mine own House. During the ceremony, I noted well how mine eldest son's eyes lingered on a fellow year-mate of his, a young farmer's daughter in Helga's House; my father would surely turn in his grave if he knew mine heir was taken with a girl from the peasantry, but I have no such qualms. Godric had taken too much ale at dinner, as he is often prone to do, and I was the only one willing to take the lout back to his chambers as he is well-known to become violent when drunk. At last year's Welcoming Feast, Godric blackened mine eye in one of his fits; though he offered sincere penance for it afterwards, it made no effect upon his bad habit.
"A second ill befell our noble gathering that night. Rowena's sister, Reagan, had sent an owl to her, stating that Rowena's husband, that oafish fool, had run off with a prostitute. The dear woman flew into one of her rages and has already threatened to gut any unfortunate individual who dares to mention the incident. Young Helena was bitterly distraught by her father's abandonment and I had to give the poor child a Calming Draught. Helga is currently watching over Helena and her baby brother Oberon as Rowena is too angry to see anyone in her present state of mind. I am worried this news will cause a resurgence of Rowena's ill health; the last thing we need is for her to fall prey to the Consumption again; magic may be powerful, but it cannot cure all that ails us."
This was a brief look into the life of a man who has been unjustly hated for who knows how long. The true Salazar Slytherin was a kind and humble man who bore no ill-will to anyone because of blood status. We have also been informed that the rightful owner of the Slytherin Collection, as it will be known, has stated that full copies of the Slytherin journals will be released so that the magical world will know the real story behind the Founders of Hogwarts.
Albus Dumbledore set the copy of The Quibbler down on his desk. It really was eye-opening that Salazar Slytherin was nothing like the history books portrayed him. This would cause a damaging blow to much of the pure-blood propaganda. But the news that someone other than he had claim to the Slytherin Collection was what truly rankled the aged headmaster. Dumbledore had noticed that the Founders' seals had vanished from his Wizengamot robes; this meant that he no longer had any ability to cast votes or even any reason to be in the Wizengamot. The only person Dumbledore could think of that could claim the Slytherin Collection would be a descendant of Slytherin; but the only descendant of Slytherin was Voldemort, right? Right?
The article about Slytherin really had done its work. Everywhere you went, it seemed like the only thing the Slytherin students could talk about was what had been uncovered about their precious House's founder. Draco Malfoy, however, was unusually silent; he kept looking down at the floor as though he'd just suffered the worst kind of betrayal.
The reaction of the other Houses was surprising, too. It seemed that people began to treat the Slytherins with more trust than they had before. Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs alike had decided to open up more to their fourth House; several Slytherin girls were seen studying with some Ravenclaws, a group of Gryffindor boys were seen joking around with some boys from Slytherin. Harry even noticed that Cedric Diggory was escorting a Slytherin girl named Justine Max down to Hogsmeade that weekend.
The only person who didn't seem to take this news well was Ronald Weasley. Ron seemed to have gotten it in his head that this whole thing was a big set up to make people trust the 'dirty, evil snakes' and that Harry had clearly been brainwashed by those 'evil, Dark magic pricks' into supporting this whole thing. That his own brother was involved in the discovery seemed to have escaped Ron's mind.
The following weekend, Bill returned to get Harry for the expedition to the Gaunt shack at Little Hangleton. Harry had cleared it with both Professor Babbling and Professor McGonagall a few days earlier. Harry and Bill made their way outside the boundaries of the school and Bill Apparated them out.
"Good to see you again, Harry," said Curse-Breaker Maynard.
"We've got quite the ward-scheme here," added Curse-Breaker Galahad. "We'll need you to use Parseltongue to get us in. After that…well, we're not entirely sure what we'll come up against."
Harry gave a short nod and turned towards the house. He wondered how Dumbledore had gotten in without using Parseltongue in the other timeline; it was probably because, though the wards were rooted in Parselmagic, the spells themselves could be overcome, though not easily.
Harry began to think to himself.
If I were an evil, self-absorbed megalomaniac, he thought, what would my password be?
"Open in the name of Lord Voldemort, heir of Salazar Slytherin," Harry said.
"Excellent, Harry," said Bill. "The wards fell right down once you said whatever it was that you said. Now, quickly, everyone, walk this way."
"If we could walk that way…" the other Curse-Beakers started before Bill pointed a warning finger at them. "Sorry."
The group made its way into the dilapidated house. Inside it was even more decrepit than Harry had remembered from Bob Ogden's memory.
"Look!" exclaimed Curse-Breaker Maynard.
He pointed to the wall where there was a series of strange writings.
"What does it say?" asked Bill. "What language is that?"
"It's Parsel-writing," said Maynard. "Quickly, Harry, read it."
Harry came forward and began to read.
"It says: To anyone who enters this place, know that your search will only be successful if you can escape the…Arrrghhh."
"What?"
"The…Arrrghhh."
"What is that?" asked one of the Curse-Breakers.
Harry shrugged.
"That's what's written on the wall."
The Curse-Breakers began to look at each other in confusion.
"Isn't there a St. Arrrghh's in Cornwall?" asked Curse-Breaker Lance.
"No, that's St. Ives'," Bill corrected.
"Ooooh!" exclaimed another of the Curse-Breakers.
"No, it's Arrrghh, at the back of the throat," said Curse-Breaker Lance.
"No, no, 'ooooh' is surprise and alarm."
"You sure you don't mean more of an 'AHH!'?"
"Oh, yes, AHHHH!"
"Ooooh!" shouted Bill and everyone jerked around to see what he was staring at.
There, before their eyes, was a giant monster.
"It's the Legendary Black Beast of…Arrrghhh!" Curse-Breaker Maynard exclaimed as the beast grabbed him and prepared to devour him.
"RUN AWAY!" shouted Bill.
They ducked and ran. They hid behind anything they could, but to no avail.
And the horrendous black beast lunged forward; escape for Harry and the Curse-Breakers seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the author suffered a fatal heart-attack after eating leftover Chinese food from last night…(Urk!) The fictional peril was no more; the quest for the Holy Gra…I mean, for the Horcrux could continue.
Curse-Breaker Maynard dropped to the floor from the place in the air where, not a moment ago, the horrific monster had been holding him.
"Oh, bloody heck, I really need to get a new job," he said, staggering to his feet.
The beast now gone, Harry and the Curse-Breakers set to work. Eventually, they picked up readings of powerful Dark Magic beneath one of the floorboards. It was there that they found the ring. They sensed a powerful Degeneration Curse and a 'Put-Me-On' Compulsion Charm on the ring and had those off after a good half hour of tinkering. They then secured the ring in a special box and left the shack.
As Harry bid farewell to the Curse-Breakers, he realized that he had forgotten something important. He still had to do something to mess up Voldemort's resurrection and the best way to do that would be to replace the 'bone of the father' with something else. He asked Bill to wait for him and quickly set off for the graveyard.
With a smirk on his face as he headed back from replacing the bones, Harry wondered just how badly Voldemort's rebirthing ritual would get screwed up.
It wasn't long before the anticipated Ravenclaw-Gryffindor Quidditch match was due. The two teams strode onto the field and Harry noticed that Cho Chang's hair was still slightly greenish in hue (Luna had told him about what Fay had done the other week) which completely ruined the effect of Cho's flirtatious wink at Harry, not that he would have ever looked twice at her after all the bullying she had heaped on Luna.
The match went much the same as last time, except that Draco and his goons didn't attempt to sabotage the match with their dementor impersonations.
The victory was just as sweet as last time and the party in Gryffindor Tower went on even longer. When Professor Babbling came in to tell the students they should get to bed, she was surprised to be met by Sirius (who had come to watch the game and had been afterwards invited to the party) who, in a slightly drunken stupor, flung his arms around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss in front of all the Gryffindors, who wolf-whistled and cheered at the spectacle.
When Sirius finally pulled away, Professor Babbling was flushed with a pink tinge in her cheeks.
"Well, I suppose you can all stay up for a bit longer," she said.
Author's Note: The next chapter will skip forward to around the Easter holidays. As I am sure you have all been able to figure out, much of what was in the third book can no longer have happened because of the whole premise of the story.
Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I liked a number of the suggestions that people have put forth and will be considering them as I write. It's not easy to write from this point as just about all the previous chapters you have read I had pre-written to some extent before posting them and merely expanded the details a bit once I got feedback from the reviewers.