He's Not Dead Yet

Remember, I don't own Harry Potter or Monty Python.

Oh, also, there will be a detailed look at the journals of Salazar Slytherin (Bet you all didn't think that would come up again).

Owl-Stretching Time

Also that summer, Harry's publication of the Slytherin Journals was all set to be released to the public. Harry had even made a deal with a Muggle publishing company, who thought the books were simply fantasy novels, to release them to the Muggle world. When the books were distributed to stores, they sold out almost immediately. Everyone seemed eager to know the truth about the 'Darkest of the Hogwarts founders.' What was revealed to the public was a man who had experienced a painfully hard life amidst the cruel oppression of the witch-hunts.

His father, Giseric, was a hard man who seemed incapable of showing affection. His mother, Orla, had died when Salazar was only eight. Salazar and his younger brother Arawn were sent into the apprenticeship of the most powerful warlock of the time, Corinth Emmeris. At the same time, they learned swordsmanship from Lord Alberic Gryffindor, father of Godric Gryffindor who soon became good friends with Salazar.

When Salazar was seventeen, he was presented at the magical court along with Godric; while there, they met Rowena Eaglewood (later Ravenclaw). Rowena was a very outspoken and opinionated woman who contested the sexist laws at the time and fought tooth-and-nail to try and stop her father arranging a marriage for her to the heir of Ravenclaw; however, her attempts failed and she had been forced into a loveless marriage that ended in disaster.

Salazar and Godric began a campaign to rescue new-bloods (the old word for Muggle-borns) from the hands of the witch-hunters. During a raid on a prison in Germany, where the young men were studying at the time, Salazar found a shut-off tower area where a young Helga Gutenberg (later Hufflepuff) was sick and injured. Helga had been a prisoner for thirteen years, ever since her family saw her perform accidental magic; she had been subjected to frequent torture and even sexual abuse from the prison guards. Salazar blasted open the cell and brought the frail Helga back to the castle where he and Godric were staying. Salazar became a kind of life-line for Helga and the two became like siblings. When they brought Helga to Britain, she began to study Earth Magic and Healing, things which she excelled at.

Salazar and Godric were reunited with Rowena when they found her on the run from her husband; she was pregnant with her second child at the time. The four arrived at Slytherin Castle, only to be met with the news from Salazar's brother Arawn that their father had been killed by witch-hunters while trying to protect their sister Morrigan, who was now near death herself. Salazar had to watch as his little sister slowly faded away.

Salazar, Godric, Helga, and Rowena soon began to make plans to protect the magical children of Britain and started work on a castle in Rowena's homeland of Scotland where there seemed to be much less prejudice against magic as much of the land was still deeply rooted in the druidic tradition. Thus, Hogwarts was born.

The journals revealed the intrigue of life in the magical court of the Dark Ages. Salazar had married a young woman from an old but poor magical family and had several children. His wife seemed to be quite cunning herself as she helped him through the political jungle they had to navigate. Arawn Slytherin seemed to stir up a great deal of trouble because of how stubborn he could be, and because there was a rumor circulating that he was having an affair with Rowena, something that both Salazar and Rowena's husband believed to be true. Although Rowena despised her husband, she was furious and insulted when he abandoned her and their children to run off with a prostitute. Further problems arose when Arawn's son Edgar became obsessed with Rowena's daughter Helena, who did not return his affections.

Helga was later introduced to a young Llewellyn Hufflepuff, a new-blood from Wales who had become Britain's leading expert on Herbology. Salazar paid for the couple's wedding and stood in place of Helga's father during the ceremony. Llewellyn Hufflepuff became the first Herbology teacher at Hogwarts, with Helga serving as the school nurse and the Healing instructor.

After about ten years of relative quiet, a threat to Britain arose in the form of an invasion from an army of Vikings who had decided to go one better than simply raiding the coastal towns. Along with the invaders was an elite force of Viking soothsayers and battle-mages. The Hogwarts founders armed themselves and led a magical force against the invasion, beating back their foes. The English king at the time, a young Edward the Confessor, was so grateful that he began to set up laws to protect the magicals. It was from that time onward that the witch-hunts died down (only to recommence during the beginning of the Renaissance upon the accession of Henry VII to the throne, and again during the Stuart Era).

Salazar Slytherin's final journal revealed that age had at last taken its toll and he wanted nothing more than to retire to his castle with his wife.

The Slytherin Journals would remain the magical world's bestseller for a long time, and they were even more of a hit in the Muggle world. Harry used some of the profit to replenish the Slytherin family vault, which had been seriously depleted over the years; the rest, however, he set aside to fund some new programs for Hogwarts, a number of which would help the Muggle-born and raised.

Molly Weasley was very annoyed. She had sent a ton of pastries to Harry on his birthday that all contained a dosage of love potion keyed to Ginny. The fact that Harry simply responded to her gift with a note of thanks instead of a long letter pleading to come to The Burrow to talk to Ginny was the cause of much vexation for the portly red-head. To make matters worse, she completely ruined the next batch of love potion, stronger than the last one, because that infernal portrait of her late mother-in-law kept making silly noises that distracted her. It was Molly's deepest belief that the reason Fred and George were such ne'er-do-wells was because of Cedrella Weasley; the older woman had taken it upon herself to teach the twins the 'joys' of pranking years ago when she had conjured a swarm of fruit-bats to wreak mayhem in the kitchen when Molly was trying to cook Christmas dinner. Okay, so Molly had undermined Cedrella's authority in her own home by claiming the right to make the Christmas dinner, but that was no excuse.

Molly fully intended to see her daughter become Harry's girlfriend by the end of the coming year. Ginny was equipped with a large range of different love potions to use on Harry; hopefully one would be successful.

September 1st dawned bright and early. The ride on the Hogwarts Express was not as interesting this time around as it was in the old timeline, not that Harry was complaining. Harry had been wondering how Draco Malfoy would react to him since dear old Lucius was now on the run. Oddly enough, Malfoy seemed to be very quiet in regards to Harry; Harry supposed it was because Draco had believed his father to be practically invincible and the shock of him being named a convict made him decide to keep his head down (with the exception of baiting Ron).

The end of the Quidditch World Cup did involve the Dark Mark being conjured, though Harry found out that it was Ron's wand that had been stolen and used to perform the spell. Harry knew he needed to be watchful of whatever Crouch Jr. might be up to this time around. Luckily, he had an idea for how to ensure his name didn't come out of the Goblet of Fire.

The only thing to cause any sort of excitement that day was that it had started pouring rain. Peeves had welcomed everyone by pelting them with water-balloons. However, for some reason, Peeves didn't seem to launch any at Harry or his friends; on the other hand, he took particular care to make sure that he got Ron and Malfoy right over their heads, repeatedly.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts," announced Dumbledore once dinner had been finished, though his cheerful attitude seemed very forced. "I have few start-of-term notices to make." He went through the standard rules and such.

"Anyone seen Filch?" said Fred while Dumbledore was rambling.

"Filch won't be working here anymore," said Harry smugly. "I found that he was unsuitable to work in a school in addition to the fact that Hogwarts actually had no need for a caretaker as the house-elves manage the cleaning and cooking and general maintenance. Therefore, Filch has been sacked."

"That's rather harsh, Harry," said Hermione.

"Don't worry; I managed to find him a job that he actually likes doing." Harry had figured that someone like Filch would be much better suited to working as caretaker of Azkaban Prison; however, Harry never expected the letter of thanks for providing the man with the "best job in the world" that Filch had sent him.

This statement received much rejoicing from the students who heard it and then promptly shared it with everyone else.

Dumbledore soon reached his final announcement of the evening, the Triwizard Cup. Once everyone had settled down, Dumbledore seemed to be about to dismiss them.

"Before you conclude, Headmaster, I have a few things to add," Harry declared and strode up to the podium. Dumbledore was very put-out, but moved aside when he caught the warning look on McGonagall's face. "For those who don't know, my name is Lord Harry James Potter and I am the owner of this school." Dumbledore seemed ready to protest, but McGonagall stamped on his foot, painfully, to keep him from doing something. "Effective this year are some changes to the way this school operates. Visits to Hogsmeade are now open to all year groups provided you get your form signed and will take place every weekend as long as the students do not misuse this privilege." There were huge cheers at that.

"We also have a few staff changes." He gestured towards the row of new teachers. "Mr. Preston has agreed to become the full-time Potions professor in light of the arrest of Severus Snape." This was met with boisterous cheers from everyone who had hated Snape.

"In addition, the History of Magic course has been altered dramatically. Please join me in welcoming the new History department." Several of the new professors stood. "Professors Eversley, Homer, and Phipps will be in charge of the new history courses. Ancient History and World History will be taught by Professor Homer as electives for third year and up, as well as the new Ethics course which will be a required course. Professor Eversley is taking over the History of Magic class and will also be in charge of the optional Political Science class. Professor Phipps will be teaching Modern History, British History, and Women's History. You will be able to choose which history course you wish to take each year.

"We also have Dr. Thripshaw, who has kindly agreed to offer his services as our new Biology professor and head of the science department. Potions, Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Astronomy, and Alchemy all fall under this category. Please welcome our new Chemistry teacher, Miss Curie, our new Physics teacher, Mr. Cavendish, and our returning Alchemy teacher, Miss Ripley. Because of the addition of the new Science courses, you are required to have one non-magical science each year. Those who do not wish to pursue a career involving knowledge of potions are permitted to drop the class at the end of fourth year, but they must still have at least one non-magical science. Alchemy will be available as an extension of Potions.

"There has also been a newly-added Arts department. This encompasses Drawing, Painting, Performing Arts, Music, and Magical Photography." Colin Creevey looked over-the-moon when he heard the last course on that list. Harry then moved on to introducing the new teachers of the arts.

Harry then progressed through several other new courses.

"There will be an Introduction to the Magical World course that is required for all students of non-magical background or upbringing that will be taught by Dame Irene Stoat. Professor Burbage has also asked me to announce that she has overhauled the Muggle Studies class and changed it to Non-Magical Relations, which is now mandatory for those who were not raised in a non-magical environment." Some of the pure-blood bigots protested at that. Harry quickly silenced them. "It is important to understand how closely we are connected to the non-magical world and how to deal with moving about in it. At the Quidditch World Cup this past summer, I noticed that the Statute of Secrecy came very close to being broken and that was before the Death Eaters showed up.

"There are also a number of extra-curriculars being added. Mr. Stearns has agreed to offer Occlumency classes as well as continue instruction in the Defense Club." There were wildly loud cheers at the news that Defense Club would be continuing. "He has also agreed to serve as a secondary Defense Against the Dark Arts professor in addition to Professor Lupin." Harry then went through the new extra-curriculars, including sports teams and clubs, only concluding when he reached the subject of Quidditch. "As there will be no Inter-House Quidditch Cup this year, I am pleased to announce that there will be a Quidditch Club that will allow students to form their own teams and play in scheduled matches."

This was met with the loudest applause so far. So many of the students had nothing to do as the only really big thing Hogwarts had to offer was Quidditch, and even that was restricted to seven students from each House. Hogwarts didn't even have a school play as the last time that had happened it had ended in disaster.

"Before we leave for the evening, there are also a few new policies," Harry continued. "First and most important of all is that we have zero-tolerance for bullies. Anyone found violating this will face expulsion at worst depending on the severity. Next, we will be issuing progress-reports; these will inform students of what things they need to improve on and what their strengths are; they will be distributed at the end of the first semester. It has also been decided that there will be a revision of the prefect system to ensure that those gifted with the badge were deserving of it; should anyone be found to be abusing their position, they will be relieved of their duties. There is also a new policy on detentions and the awarding and docking of House points."

To sum up Harry's new policy, detentions had to be approved by both the student's Head of House and the Deputy in order to prevent unfair or biased professors from getting away with things like Snape had done. The same would apply with the new demerit system; the three strikes and you're out would be much more effective and much more fair than the House points. Speaking of House points, they would no longer be in effect and would be replaced by Awards of Merit. Students with the highest achievements in each year, House, and subject would receive a special award at the end of the year. Even the students felt that it sounded much better than the House Cup as it was on a more personal level and wouldn't cause students to be ostracized for losing too many points (like what happened to Harry and his friends in first year).

Dumbledore was absolutely furious. Harry had just undone centuries of tradition and basically undermined Dumbledore's authority as Headmaster.

"Harry, you cannot possibly think you can make all these changes without the approval of the Board of Governors-" he started.

"You will address me as Lord Potter, sir," Harry retorted. "And I think you'll find that the Board no longer has any say in the matter as it has been disbanded. The Board of Governors was put in place as an advisory, but they have failed in their responsibilities and I ordered their immediate disbandment. They have been replaced by the Parent and Teacher Association, of which all the members agreed to the changes and many of whom suggested them to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get to bed."

All the original professors were glaring at Dumbledore. They couldn't believe the bullshit he'd tried to pull. All of them had been at the PTA meeting where these changes began and they agreed wholeheartedly with Harry's new policies. Hogwarts was due for an overhaul.

Harry simply made his way out of the Great Hall, ignoring the curious looks he was getting, and led his three closest friends out with him. Harry had told Hermione, Luna, and Neville about the Founders' Quarters and invited them to stay there with him. Hermione had been immediately drawn to Ravenclaw's chambers and darted up the steps, Luna following quickly behind her. The Founders' Quarters must have been bigger than Harry originally suspected because there seemed to be a number of extra rooms (Harry later learned that these were rooms for family or very important guests); Neville chose one that was attached to the Gryffindor chambers and even had similar decorations. Luna had asked Hermione if they could share a room as she enjoyed having company that didn't want to pull cruel pranks on her; Hermione had grown very fond of Luna and was more than happy to be her roommate.

Omake (just an old request by one of my original readers):

A long way away, in a magical school called Hogwarts, an aged headmaster was very vexed. Albus Dumbledore had come upstairs to his office to find that his pet phoenix, Fawkes, had disappeared. Fawkes did not respond when Dumbledore called him and that worried to old man; after all, he was supposed to be the Leader of the Light. How could people trust him if he didn't have a phoenix? Okay, granted, Fawkes wasn't his to begin with and had been at Hogwarts for a long, long time, but nobody needed to know that!

In order to maintain his image as the Leader of the Light, Dumbledore decided to stop by a pet shop that dealt in rather…questionable trading of animals. However, not long after leaving the shop, Dumbledore realized that his new phoenix was not as lively as the shopkeeper had made it out to be. In fact, it was stone cold dead. Letting off a huff of annoyance, Dumbledore returned to the pet shop.

"Hello, I wish to register a complaint?" said Dumbledore as he strolled into the shop, the cage containing the dead phoenix clutched in his hands. "Hello, miss?" he said to the clerk on duty.

"What do you mean 'miss'?" said the man.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint."

"Sorry, we're closing for lunch."

"Never mind that, my lad; I wish to complain about this phoenix that I bought, not half an hour ago, from this very boutique."

"Ah, yes, the Australian dingo-pecker, what's wrong with it?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it."

"No, no, it's resting, look."

"Listen, my lad, I know a dead phoenix when I see one and I am looking at one right now."

"No, no, sir, it's not dead, it's resting."

"Resting?"

"Yeah, remarkable creature, the Australian dingo-pecker, beautiful plumage, innit?""

"The plumage doesn't enter into it. It's stone dead."

"No, no, it's resting."

"All right, then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up." Dumbledore held up the cage and began to speak loudly at the phoenix. "Hello, phoenix! I've got a nice bunch of grapes for you, pretty phoenix!"

"There, it moved!"

"No, it didn't! That was you pushing the cage!"

"I did not."

"Yes, you did!" Dumbledore then opened the door of the cage and wrenched out the dead phoenix. He held the creature up close to his face and began to shout. "Hello, phoenix! Phoenix!" He banged it on the counter a few times. "Hello, phoenix, wake up!" He tossed it into the air and it fell with a thump. "Now, that's what I call a dead phoenix."

"No, no, it's stunned," the clerk replied.

"Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That phoenix is definitely deceased; and when I bought it, not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk."

"Well, sir…it's probably pining for the outback."

"Pining for the outback? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?"

"The Australian dingo-pecker prefers kippin' on its back. It's a beautiful animal, lovely plumage."

"Look, I took the liberty of examining that phoenix. And I discovered that the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there."

"Well…well, of course it was nailed there. Otherwise, it would muscle up to those bars and VOOM!"

"Look, matey," Dumbledore said, stooping down to pick up the dead phoenix, "this phoenix wouldn't voom if I put four thousand Cruciatus Curses through it. It's bleeding demised."

"It's not, it-it's pining."

"It's not pining, it's passed on. This phoenix is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late phoenix! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-phoenix."

"Well, I'd better replace it, then," the clerk said.

"If you want anything done in this country, you've got to complain until you're blue in the mouth," Dumbledore said to himself.

"Sorry, guv," said the clerk after he finished checking his stock. "We're fresh out of phoenixes."

"I see, I see, I get the picture."

"I've got a slug."

"Is it magical?"

"Not really, no."

"Then it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it?"

"Listen, I didn't want to be pet shop owner. I wanted to be a lumberjack…"

I think we can all guess where it went from there.

Author's Note: What did you all think of the plotline of the Slytherin Journals? I know they seemed very dark, but do you have a better way of representing Slytherin's life?

The scene with the dead phoenix was completely ripped off from the Dead Parrot skit and just something I had to add especially because of the requests I got for it.

And how about those school reforms, eh? Stuff's goin' down and it doesn't look good for Dumbles.