He's Not Dead Yet
If I ever even think about not finishing this story, I want everyone to send me Howlers to tell me to get my lazy arse moving. Show no mercy.
Oh, and someone was confused about how Sirius is working as an Auror when I already said that he was teaching a class on Animagus transformation. The explanation is that he is teaching the class in his spare time, for the rest of the time he is on guard duty with the other Aurors.
I also wanted to mention that it was my birthday recently. I am twenty years old, as of January 22nd.
Lastly, I wanted to mention that some lines and description are taken right from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire as I found it easier to just use what Rowling wrote for the parts unaffected by my story.
I don't own Harry Potter or Monty Python.
How Not to be Seen
Dumbledore was in a predicament. He had been hoping that a disguised Death Eater would enter the castle on the pretext of entering Harry Potter in the Triwizard; this would help drive a wedge between Harry and the other students who would undoubtedly think Harry cheated and therefore isolate the boy from his supporters. Dumbledore was also certain that this would be the time for Voldemort to rise again, meaning that the old headmaster's plans could proceed. Now, however, it looked like he'd have to take matters into his own hands.
"Ah, Ronald, thank you for meeting with me," said Dumbledore.
"Certainly, sir," said Ron. "What did you want to talk about?"
"I need you to help me with a very important mission."
Ron puffed out his chest arrogantly.
"Of course, Headmaster."
"I need you to put this into the Goblet of Fire." Dumbledore handed Ron a slip of parchment that contained Harry Potter's name and was specially charmed with a Confundus that would trick the Goblet into making the person named on it the fourth champion.
"Yes, sir, but…how will I get past the Age Line?"
"I have timed the Age Line to deactivate from midnight until one o'clock in the morning. That should give you plenty of time to sneak down there and complete the assignment."
"Yes, sir."
"Oh, and here is a permission form to be out of bed in case you run into any teachers."
"Thank you, sir."
Ron walked back to Gryffindor Tower with a smug look on his face. The great Albus Dumbledore had chosen him, Ronald Weasley, for an important mission. What Ron didn't realize was that there was a fiercely protective house-elf by the name of Dobby who was watching his every move and who had magically changed the name on the parchment.
Meanwhile, at an old manor house in Little Hangleton, a very evil man…er, sort of, was currently seething. Nothing seemed to be going his way lately. His spy had been outed before even entering the castle and now he had no way of ensuring that Potter would be in the graveyard. Voldemort hadn't even been allowed the satisfaction of killing the old Muggle caretaker who lived on the property as the old man had mysteriously won an all-expenses paid vacation to the Caribbean and wouldn't be back for the remainder of the year.
Yes, things certainly weren't looking up for Voldemort. Then, a thought occurred to the Dark Wanker…erm, I mean Dark Lord.
"Lucius!" he called out.
"Yes, my Lord?" the nervous blonde man replied.
"Didn't you say that you have a son at Hogwarts?"
"Yes, my Lord. My son Draco."
"Ah, yes, Dorko, that's it."
"Draco, my Lord," Lucius corrected.
"Don't correct me! Now, I want you to send a message to Dorko that he is to enter Potter's name in the Triwizard Tournament and finish the job that Barty failed."
"Yes, my Lord."
Lucius hurried away to send a letter to his son. With it, he enclosed a piece of parchment that was specially Confunded to trick the Goblet of Fire. He also instructed Draco to use the Levitation Charm to drop the parchment into the Goblet in order to circumvent the Age Line. What Lucius and Draco didn't realize is that nothing escapes the attention of a fanatical house-elf by the name of Dobby.
Everyone met for dinner the following evening with great anticipation. It was almost time for the champion selection. Karkaroff was still unable to access the castle and was currently brooding in his bedroom on the ship about the perceived slight; however, none of his students minded his absence in the least. Harry, meanwhile, was not the least bit worried over something happening; he had entrusted Dobby to make sure no one tried to slip his name into the Goblet (he really should have been a bit more specific in his instructions, as he was soon to learn).
Soon enough, the magnificent Halloween feast vanished from the tables and silence fell over the hall.
"Well, the goblet is almost ready to make its decision," said Dumbledore. "I estimate that it requires one more minute. Now, when the champions' names are called, I would ask them please to come up to the top of the Hall, walk along the staff table, and go through into the next chamber" - he indicated the door behind the staff table - "where they will be receiving their first instructions."
Dumbledore gave a sweep of his wand and all the lights, save for those in the jack-o'lanterns, went out, lending an eerie quality to the room.
"Show off," Harry muttered.
The Goblet of Fire began to burn brighter before the flames turned suddenly red as a scrap of parchment flew into the air and was caught by Dumbledore.
"The champion for Durmstrang," he declared, "will be Viktor Krum!"
"No surprises there!" yelled Ron as a storm of applause and cheering swept the Hall.
Harry saw Viktor Krum rise from the Slytherin table and slouch up toward Dumbledore; he turned right, walked along the staff table, and disappeared through the door into the next chamber.
As the cheering died down, the Goblet again turned red as another piece of parchment shot out of it.
"The champion for Beauxbatons," Dumbledore read, "is Fleur Delacour!"
"Oh look, they're all disappointed," Hermione said over the noise, nodding toward the remainder of the Beauxbatons party. "Disappointed" was a bit of an understatement, Harry thought. Two of the girls who had not been selected had dissolved into tears and were sobbing with their heads on their arms.
Fleur also walked up to the headmaster before turning and heading off in the same direction as Viktor.
For the third time the Goblet's flames turned red as the supposedly final champion was decided.
"The Hogwarts champion is Cedric Diggory!" Dumbledore called out as the Hogwarts students burst into applause.
Cedric, too, made his way after the other champions.
"Excellent!" Dumbledore called happily as at last the tumult died down. "Well, we now have our three champions. I am sure I can count upon all of you, including the remaining students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, to give your champions every ounce of support you can muster. By cheering your champion on, you will contribute in a very real -"
But Dumbledore suddenly stopped speaking, and it was apparent to everybody what had distracted him.
The Goblet of Fire had turned red once again. Unnoticed by anyone, Dumbledore was smiling that his plan was evidently working. That smile, however, disappeared as two scraps of parchment flew out of the Goblet and into his hand.
Dumbledore's eyes widened in shock and horror as he read out the two names.
"Draco Malfoy and Ronald Weasley!"
The instant Harry and his friends got back to the Founders' quarters, they all burst out laughing. Ron and Draco had both reacted very differently when their names were called. Draco had blanched and looked very uneasy, while Ron had been absolutely ecstatic. The judges had all been outraged that something like this could happen, while Dumbledore had gotten very morose and hadn't said much to anyone. The overall decision was that Ron and Draco would have to compete as they had both been declared champions.
"I can't wait to see how they'll mess this up," Harry said gleefully.
"But, Harry, didn't you say that the tasks will be incredibly dangerous?" Hermione inquired.
"Yes, and I won't lose a bit of sleep if something should happen to the red-haired garbage disposal or the albino ferret."
"Harry, I think your vendetta against Ron and Draco is making you overlook one important thing."
"What?"
"We're supposed to be making a good impression with the other schools. How do you think this will look to them?"
"She does have a point, Harry," Neville conceded.
"I wouldn't be too worried about it," said Luna.
"Why do you say that, Luna?" asked Harry.
"Because of the retaliation tactics. The rest of the school won't take kindly to Ronald and Draco after this and will be only too willing to make an example of them."
"What about the anti-bullying policy? You know full-well that any form of bullying is to be punished, even if the victims are gits who deserve it."
Luna just smiled brightly.
"Every rule has a loophole."
While the new anti-bullying policy called for an end to discrimination, cruel and demeaning pranks (as opposed to innocent, harmless ones), violence, and various other actions that could be deemed harmful to a person's mental and physical wellbeing, it did have a few concessions; one example being a situation of self-defense, defense of someone else, or the protection of personal or school property.
Ronald and Draco had to learn that the hard way.
Draco had gotten over his initial fear and had come under the impression that this was both a good thing for his reputation and his mission. He had attempted to rally his former supporters into wearing Weasley Stinks/Support Draco Malfoy badges; however, as much as the other Slytherins wished they could insult Weasley, there was no way they would support a ponce like Malfoy (even those who still followed Voldemort wouldn't be caught dead rallying behind Malfoy). Malfoy, in his anger, had tried to order a group of first year Slytherins to wear the badges and, when they refused, attempted to hex them; this was a huge mistake as one of the first students he attempted to hex was Astoria Greengrass, and it just so happened that Daphne entered the common room at precisely that moment. Draco ended up with many, many injuries and a week of detention.
Ronald had started vying for attention the morning after he had been named a champion. He had strolled into the Great Hall, slapped several attractive girls on the backside, and jumped onto the Gryffindor table calling for people to praise him. The result of this was that his brothers both Stunned him ("It was for his own protection," Fred assured the teachers. "If he kept talking, he would've been badly injured.") and Ron now had several angry witches plotting his demise.
Of course, fellow students were the least of Ron's and Draco's problems. It just so happened that, the day after, both boys received Howlers from their respective mothers. Throughout breakfast, the Great Hall was filled with the mingled shouting of both Molly Weasley and Narcissa Malfoy, with either woman berating her son for his foolish decision to enter the Triwizard. Draco had never felt so thoroughly embarrassed in his entire life, while Ron merely turned an ugly shade of puce and shoveled down another helping of eggs and bacon.
Harry had offered a sincere apology to the delegations from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, assuring them that this was wholly unexpected and that neither Ron nor Draco represented Hogwarts despite being students there. Surprisingly, the two other schools believed him (well, with the exception of Karkaroff); in fact, the visiting schools were very understanding as they both had students like Ron and Draco who had been left behind specifically to avoid causing embarrassment.
The day of the Weighing of the Wands brought back many unpleasant memories for Harry, until he remembered that he wouldn't have to go through any of it, causing him to smile throughout the entirety of the day, something which worried his friends.
"Harry, are you all right?" Hermione asked as they reached Potions class.
"Never better, Hermione. Things in my life are certainly looking up. In case you've forgotten, I told you what it was like for me in the last timeline when I'd been named the fourth champion."
"Oh, right. I guess I can understand why you'd be happy, then."
"Oi! Potter!" came a familiar voice. Harry turned around to see Draco Malfoy swagger up to him. "I guess I finally got one over on you, eh, Potter? Who's the champion this time?"
"Cedric Diggory?" Harry said bemusedly.
"No! Well, yes, but I am as well! And I'll show that idiotic pretty-boy who the real Hogwarts champion is."
"Malfoy, you and Weasley will never, I repeat, never be champion of Hogwarts. You may be in the Triwizard, but Cedric Diggory is the one representing the best that our school has to offer."
Unbeknownst to Harry, a large contingent of Hufflepuffs happened to be passing at that precise moment and the news quickly spread.
Malfoy, however, feeling empowered by his mission from Voldemort chose that moment to forget the power that Harry had and attacked. Just like last time, Malfoy shot off a tooth-enlarging spell that hit Hermione, provoking Harry to attack with a nasty pimple hex that struck Malfoy cleanly on the nose.
"What's going on out here?!" demanded Mr. Preston, emerging from the Potions classroom.
"Malfoy attacked Harry!" someone in the crowd shouted.
"He got Hermione instead," Harry added, holding up his friend who was desperately trying to hide her rapidly growing teeth.
"Please escort Miss Granger to the hospital wing," Mr. Preston instructed.
"Potter attacked me as well, Professor," Malfoy retorted. "Look what he did to my face!"
"You were asking for that by hexing a fellow student." Mr. Preston looked over Malfoy's face. "I'd tell you to go to the hospital yourself but I recognize that hex. It can't be dispelled magically so you'll just have to wait for the acne to go away on its own."
"Mr. Preston!" called out a younger student, who'd suddenly appeared on the scene. "It's time for the Weighing of the Wands. All the champions have to be present."
"What's so important that it must drag two students away from class?"
"I'm not sure, sir. But Mr. Bagman said something about a reporter and photographs for the Daily Prophet."
Mr. Preston and all the other students fought to suppress their grins.
"Very well, then. Mr. Malfoy, you may go."
Malfoy sulked as he followed the other student. Along the way, the two of them met up with Ron Weasley, who was following Colin Creevey for the same reason. The two fourth year rivals glared at each other and began to boast about how either of them planned to outshine the other. Needless to say, Colin and the other student were relieved when they finally got to the classroom where the meeting was being held.
Meanwhile, Harry was holding Hermione's hand as Madam Pomfrey shrunk her teeth. Harry smiled slightly as Hermione asked the nurse to keep shrinking them so that they weren't as large as they had been before Malfoy's hex.
"You didn't have to do that," Harry said as they headed back to class. "Your teeth were just fine the way they were."
"I know it's silly," said Hermione. "It's just that I used to get teased a lot when I was little because of how big my front teeth were. My parents always said I should get braces, but I feel like this was much easier." She hadn't stopped smiling since they'd left the hospital wing.
"Well, I suppose it was worth it if you smile like that more often." His expression then became somber. "I think I need to have a word with Malfoy's mother about his behavior."
Later, as they were all headed down to dinner, Harry found himself accosted by another person who ranked on his "Most Hated" list. Rita Skeeter had decided to make her unwelcome appearance.
"Lord Potter, what a pleasure to finally meet you," she said with a hungry gleam in her eye. "You wouldn't mind giving a quick interview about the tournament, would you?"
"Actually, I would mind," Harry replied evenly. "You see, I've signed an agreement with The Quibbler. If anyone other than that magazine publishes something involving me without my express permission, that person will be in for a very severe lawsuit."
Skeeter did not look at all pleased and Harry had a feeling that it wouldn't be the last he saw of her. But Harry wasn't too worried; after all, she couldn't write anything about him and he knew about her being an illegal Animagus.
Narcissa Malfoy was quite shocked to receive a letter from Harry Potter that evening, and thoroughly annoyed when she discovered just what her imbecilic son had both done and tried to do. Narcissa had never wanted to marry Lucius and hated every moment she spent married to him; the fact that he was always letting their son toss around the Malfoy name like it was an automatic pass to get whatever he wanted only angered her more. As much as Narcissa cared about her son, there was no denying that the boy was stupid, arrogant, headstrong, and not likely to amount to anything.
Narcissa took a moment to ponder over what she wanted out of life and her mind was instantly set as she pulled out two sheaves of parchment and began to write.
The first letter was an apology to Harry over her son's behavior. The second, however, was one to her cousin.
Dear Lord Black,
As a daughter of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, I humbly request your permission to seek a divorce against my husband and to be reinstated into the family as a Black. It was never my intention to marry Lucius Malfoy and is something I deeply regret. I bear no ill-will towards you and yours, nor do I have any genuine devotion to the one who calls himself Voldemort. I feel that any further continuation of my being married to Lucius Malfoy would be of utmost disgrace to our family and to you.
Yours sincerely,
Narcissa Cassiopeia Malfoy nee Black
The article in the Daily Prophet was only regarded with amusement because of how ridiculous Malfoy looked and how both his and Ron's image in the photograph kept fighting over who was closer to the front of the picture. For any genuine news on the Triwizard, people relied upon The Quibbler.
Of course, Ron and Draco both had to share a section in the article that was only about a paragraph long; and the accompanying photograph involved the two joint champions pushing each other out of the way.
In a surprising twist of fate, the section read, two other students were selected in addition to Hogwarts champion Cedric Diggory. These students are Slytherin fourth-year, Dorko Malfoy, son of the convicted Death Eater Lucius Malfoy, and Gryffindor fourth-year, Ronald Obvious. It is unclear how both boys managed to trick the Goblet of Fire into making them champions, but we wish them the best of luck.
It wasn't until after the paper was already printed and distributed that Rita realized she had accidentally given Ron the last name of her Squib cousin in Neepsend, Sheffield by mistake. However, she brushed off the typo, deeming it unimportant, and returned to her primary task of getting even with Harry Potter for refusing to give her an interview.
The Saturday before the first task had arrived, and it saw Harry and his friends all heading down to Hogsmeade. It was a chilly November morning and everyone was bundled up against the cold. Hogsmeade certainly looked different than it had just last year, there were a good deal more shops and the addition of a park that had been spelled to produce flowers all year round was a welcome change. But it was the ice-skating rink that attracted the most attention lately.
"I'm not sure about this, Harry," said an anxious Daphne. "I've never been ice-skating before."
"What a coincidence," he said. "Neither have I."
"What?!"
Before Daphne had time to protest, however, Harry had led her out onto the rink. The others all cheered as Harry and his lovely companion slowly began to glide across the ice. Luckily, the rink was warded with an anti-slipping spell, so that was definitely a plus.
"My turn next!" Tracey called after them as they skated past.
Sirius and Bathsheba were also out on the rink, but they were performing much more skillful moves than the students. Remus merely watched his friend in amusement while Nymphadora (call-me-that-and-you-die) Tonks chatted amicably with him; when Remus asked why Tonks wasn't out on the rink herself, she pointed out that, even with the anti-tripping spell, she would probably still make a fool of herself, something which Remus adamantly refused to believe.
It was a cheerful lot that made their way into the Three Broomsticks for butterbeers, unaware that they were being followed by a certain reporter. Harry was having a great deal of fun that day, so he had unintentionally let his guard down as he sat amidst the large group of friends who were all crowded around several neighboring tables.
He was suddenly drawn out of his reverie by the flash of a camera and the most unwelcome sight of Rita Skeeter.
"Hello again, Lord Potter," she said with a toothy grin. "Do hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"As a matter of fact, you are," Harry retorted. "And I must remind you that any unauthorized use of my name or image will be swiftly dealt with."
"Oh, not to worry, Lord Potter. I can assure you that your image will be left out of this photograph."
Harry didn't like the way she said that.
Without another word, Skeeter and her photographer made their departure.
It wasn't until late in the evening when Harry remembered he had yet to inform Cedric of the dragons. He had just risen from his seat to go in search of the Hogwarts champion when he paused, wondering if the first task still involved dragons. He had just contemplated throwing on his Invisibility Cloak and going out to scour the woods, when a letter arrived for him.
"Thanks, Hedwig," Harry said, taking the letter.
Dear Harry,
As I am sure you are aware, I am on very good terms with Charlie Weasley of the Romanian Dragon Preserve. Just thought you might want to know that he is planning to be there for the first task to "make sure his brother comes out of it all right." They've been having a bit of trouble with some negotiations at the preserve, but the situation should be resolved before the coming Tuesday.
Oh, and send my best wishes to Cedric Diggory. It's about time Hufflepuff got some recognition.
Sincerely,
Red
Harry suppressed a chuckle. Leave it to Red to send him the least subtle coded message ever. As Harry went off to find Cedric, he wondered if he should tell Ron and Draco; sure, they may be complete and utter bastards, but on the other hand…well, Harry was sure he'd think up a reason to tell them before Tuesday.
And while all that was going on, Ginny Weasley was scheming. She was determined to win Harry Potter's affection by the end of the year. Unfortunately, she hadn't been able to slip him any of the love potions her mother had sent her to Hogwarts with. Ginny had decided she would try to win Harry over the old-fashioned way before risking another attempt at love potion. She'd recently purchased some new clothes and makeup and was now taking every opportunity she could to attract Harry's attention, hoping he would finally take notice of the fact that she was every bit of a woman as that bushy-haired bookworm Hermione, or that addle-brained bimbo Luna, or even those two Slytherin sluts Greengrass and Davis.
Ginny had complained to Ron about how Harry wasn't noticing her, but Ron was more focused on his own wounded pride. She'd then brought up how much time Harry was spending with, not only Hermione, but several of the most attractive witches in school, and Ron had gotten furious and promised to help Ginny get Harry to notice her simply out of spite.
The youngest Weasley certainly wasn't without encouragement in her pursuit of Harry. Headmaster Dumbledore had called her to his office and instructed her to win Harry over by any means necessary as it was imperative that Ginny become the new Lady Potter (in addition to Lady of all the other families Harry was Lord of). Dumbledore had been most insistent that Harry only have one wife for all the titles, with Ginny being the prime candidate. The reason for this particular choice was that Ginny was firmly with the Light side, her mother and her brother were still avidly pro-Dumbledore, and the fact that she was very easy to manipulate. With Ginny Weasley as Lady of all those families, Dumbledore would have a means of controlling all that wealth and power as long as Harry was swayed by Ginny who would be swayed by Dumbledore.
The only problem with that plan was that Harry seemed to have no apparent interest in Ginny whatsoever.
After a long argument with Hermione over the moral dilemma of whether or not to tell Ron and Draco, Harry finally gave in on Monday morning, his "saving people thing" and Hermione's insistence that it was "only fair" outweighing his desire to see the traitor and the mini-Death Eater get roasted.
"Ron," Harry said as politely as he could, "just wanted you to know that the first task involves dragons."
"Ha! Yeah right, like I'd believe that," Ron sneered.
"No really, Ron, there are actually dragons."
"I'm not falling for it, Harry. You're just trying to scare me because you're jealous that I'm champion and you aren't."
"I wouldn't joke about something like that, Ronald Weasley," Harry said angrily, startled by how much he sounded like Hermione in that moment. "I'm just trying to warn you because the other champions know and I wanted it to be fair. But, if you don't believe me, that's your problem."
As Harry turned and walked away, Ron got annoyed.
"There's no way they'd make us fight dragons," he said. "I'm not falling for it."
Harry decided to be a bit more indirect with Draco, knowing that the git would react the same way. Instead, he arranged for Malfoy's girlfriend, Pansy Parkinson, to "overhear" a conversation.
"So, Harry," Neville said once they were certain Parkinson was listening, "what do you suppose the first task will be?"
"I don't 'suppose' anything, Neville," Harry replied. "I know what the tasks are all going to be."
Pansy froze, listening intently.
"Are you going to tell Weasley and Malfoy?"
"I tried to tell Ron, but he wouldn't listen. As for Malfoy, I would tell him but I doubt he'd listen either. They both hate me enough to think I'd joke about something so dangerous. A pity there isn't someone who could send the message for me," Harry said a little more loudly to ensure Parkinson heard. "Oh well, I hope those dragons like the taste of morons."
"Are there really dragons, Harry?"
"There most certainly are. One for each of the champions. Guess it's going to be quite a show tomorrow."
Pansy quickly hurried off to tell Draco of his impending doom…um, challenge.
Harry, realizing he'd done his good deed for the day, made his way to his Ethics class.