He's Not Dead Yet
Sorry for the wait. I was spending the holidays with my family, plus I was getting writer's block. Well, I've found a very sneaky way of getting the romance into the story, please don't hate me for it, but romance was not my primary aim with this story as it was mostly based around my incredibly bizarre sense of humor. I am starting to worry that I'm reaching that stage all authors get at one point or another where I am just tired of focusing on the story I've put so much of my time and energy into when I have so many more ideas in the works. The fan reviews help, they're the reason why I keep feeling motivated to write (well, that and the fact that I hate leaving work unfinished if I can help it).
Also, I wasn't sure if I should keep the Bill/Fleur pairing in this story. Personally, I actually liked it when Fleur showed she wasn't some shallow floozy by refusing to give Bill up after he'd gotten mauled by Fenrir Greyback. Well, I'll mostly just hint at it in the chapter, but whether it stays for the epilogue is something I want the readers to decide.
I don't own Harry Potter.
Shut Up or We'll Close the Bar
Harry was a bit confused by the request to meet with the girls alone in the Room of Requirements. They had said it was something quite important. Harry knew he could trust the girls with his life, but why did they want to meet with him, alone, at this time of evening? They'd assured him it wasn't something to do with Dumbledore's meddling or the Triwizard. Harry, despite all the crazy and improbable things that had happened to him over the last year and a half, was still very much the awkward young man he'd always been deep down. No matter how confident he seemed to his friends and the public, he was still burdened with the memories of what he'd seen, both in the old timeline and the memories of the future the Ministry of Death had given him. Handling Voldemort, the Death Eaters, Dumbledore, and the backwards magical society he could deal with; the fact that he had to find six wives and had six very attractive close female friends didn't seem to quite connect within the parts of the male brain that Harry, like so many males before him, was inherently kept clueless by when it came to matters of the female sex.
The matter, however, would soon be solved as he knocked on the door to the Room of Requirements. The door immediately opened and Harry found himself seized by the front of his robes and yanked inside the room, the door closing behind him with an ominous bang.
No one would ever know what exactly happened or what was said-Perhaps some teary declarations of love after the revelation of the girls' attainment of their memories of the alternate future. All anyone could say for certain is that Harry left the Room of Requirements several hours later, his robes disheveled, his face covered in kiss marks, and a big grin on his face as he escorted his six mutual girlfriends back to the Founders' Quarters.
Somehow, some way, the six girls had come to an understanding about a joint relationship with Harry. Hermione's planning skills came in handy when she organized everything so that, as long as Harry was willing to agree, they would all date him at the same time, with the caveat that no girl would be given primacy over the others and that it would be a relationship of equals. As the girls were already very close friends by that point, and because they all knew how important it was for Harry to at least have a girlfriend for each of his six principal titles (the minor Houses of Evans and Florus not meriting the need for any more women to get involved), the matter simply required the consent of the young man in question as the girls had agreed that they would not force Harry into anything but merely wanted to offer the plan as the best option on the board at present.
Considering Harry's status after leaving the Room of Requirements that evening, it was fairly safe to assume the plan was met with a positive reaction.
Harry and the girls decided that, for the time being, only their closest friends would know about their relationship. They would take that time to arrange for Harry to go on separate dates with each of them, in order to test the waters as it were. Hermione's impeccable planning skills were once more put to use as the girls decided amongst themselves whose turn would come when. They agreed that, by the end of the year, they would make the relationship publically known.
Well, sure enough the day of the final task was about to arrive.
Harry suspected that somehow Voldemort would find a way to get him to the graveyard. Harry wondered just what effect the "changes" he'd made to the bones in grave of Voldemort's Muggle father would have on the ritual. Harry didn't know it yet, but the switch he'd made, combined with his Metamorphmagus abilities, would prove to be either the inspiration of a divine superpower or a completely fortuitous series of coincidences that just happened to be useful in the long run. When Harry was involved, one could never be too certain.
Draco looked over the instructions he'd received from the Dark Lord once more as he carefully tucked the package he'd received within his robes. The Dark Lord had been most insistent that Potter be in that graveyard for the ritual. Draco knew he had to get this mission right or suffer his master's displeasure.
That was why, a month earlier, he had started brewing a potion that was supposed to grant you good luck. It was called Felix something—Draco hadn't bothered to memorize the name. He was certain that, considering his outstanding grades in Potions before that Mudblood Professor Preston showed up-Honestly, the man had the nerve to mark Draco's last assignment as a T!-that he was more than capable of brewing a simple little luck potion. Draco was certainly showing Professor Preston who the competent brewer was by cutting back the usual six months to a year generally required for making the potion to just one month, as well as ignoring some of the guidelines Draco found too complicated to follow.
Unfortunately for Draco, karma has a way of taking advantage of idiots.
Ron smiled proudly as he made his way into the chamber where the champions were being greeted by their families. He noticed for a moment that Malfoy was absent, but shrugged it off and thanked his luck. One less champion meant more praise for him.
Ron was greeted by his father and his three eldest brothers, all of whom were giving him nervous looks as though they feared the worst.
"Well, Ron, how are you feeling?" said Arthur Weasley.
"I'm feeling great, Dad! After how masterfully I handled the last two tasks, this one should be easy!" Ron replied proudly.
Percy rested his face in his palm and started going over the numbers for the account he was presently working on in his head. Charlie pinched the bridge of his nose and kept having to remind himself that he could be comforted by the fact that his girlfriend was waiting for him out in the stands (Red had been sent a missive by Lord Potter requesting her presence for something expected to happen after the third task).
Bill just shifted awkwardly and kept looking over his brother at the beautiful French champion. Bill managed to attract Fleur's attention and, after they both seemed to indicate a mutual interest, they had a silent conversation, Fleur glancing at his younger brother and then giving him a look that basically said "Please tell me you're not related to him." Bill responded with his own look of "Sadly yes, but I'm still a fairly decent human being who won't act like a berk to you." Fleur gave him a sympathetic expression and nodded, showing she would be interested in giving him a chance.
"I just wish Mum was here to see me in my moment of glory," Ron continued. "When's she coming home, Dad?"
"Uhh, Ron, maybe now's not the best time," said Arthur Weasley.
"Why not?"
"Well, Ron, you know your mother was arrested for breaking the new anti-love potion laws, and that one of her victims was me?"
Ron nodded along, not really understanding what his father was getting at.
"Well, the thing is…How about we talk about this after the task, all right, son?"
"Uh, I guess so, Dad."
"Champions," said Ludo Bagman excitedly. "Time to take your places!"
"Ooh, I'd better get going!"
"Good luck, Ron," his brothers all said together, though with a clear note of skepticism. Bill, Charlie, and Percy all looked awkwardly at each other, realizing they'd all had the same premonition of doom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the final task of the Triwizard Tournament is about to begin," Ludo Bagman announced. "In first place…"
Harry disengaged from the ramblings of the former Quidditch star-turned Ministry flunky. His attention had shifted to Malfoy, who was currently shooting him looks that Harry didn't care for. Harry had a strange feeling that Malfoy was up to something and knew it had to do with getting Harry to the graveyard. Oh well, Harry sighed internally, if it wasn't one thing it was another.
"…On my whistle, Cedric Diggory will be the first to enter, followed by…"
"I am definitely going to appreciate the after-party we arranged once this nonsense is over," Harry muttered to his girlfriends.
"Knowing your habit of getting into trouble, we'll all need a diversion from whatever happens," said Hermione.
"What makes you think something's going to happen?" said Tracey.
"Fourth year in the old timeline. Besides, this is Harry we're talking about."
"I see your point."
"Hey, I'm not that bad," Harry protested weakly.
"Yes you are," his six ladies retorted, causing him to give a fake pout.
The first whistle sounded and Cedric Diggory entered the maze, followed soon afterwards by the other champions. Ron and Draco were the last to enter and all there was left to do was wait and stare at the hedges. Seriously, Harry thought, who was the idiot who planned this?
Ron was running helter-skelter through the maze, having no clue where he was going. He'd been so certain of his victory, and these stupid hedges were getting in his way! It was eerie and dark and he hadn't eaten in over an hour.
"Dammit, why'd they have to think up something so stupid?" he grumbled. "Bet all the other champions are having even more trouble, considering they're not as smart as me."
He took a step forward and immediately found himself caught in a yellow mist that flipped him upside-down. Ron flailed and struggled, trying to free himself from the strange enchantment. He figured he'd better cast a spell or something, only to discover he'd dropped his wand.
"Ha, the blood traitor caught!" came the familiar, sneering voice of Draco Malfoy. "Seems I might not need this luck potion I whipped up. Well, I'll soon get Potter here and complete my mission for the Dark Lord. Even if the stupid scarhead hates you, Weasel, there's no way he'd leave you to die. He should be getting my message about now."
Harry looked up when Malfoy's eagle owl swooped over and dropped a letter into his hands. Opening it with a sense of resignation, Harry read the threat.
Dear Scarhead,
I've captured the redheaded Weasel and will be ending his pathetic existence if you don't get here in five minutes.
"I guess I'd better go stop him," Harry said.
"Must you?" said Daphne. "You could just leave him there and hand the letter over to the authorities."
"I had a feeling this day was coming. But, you all could let Madam Bones and the Aurors know and give them the letter. I have a feeling I know what's going to happen. Some points in history just can't be averted. Besides, I've got a plan."
The girls exchanged looks. While they trusted Harry and knew he wouldn't deliberately cause any harm or danger to himself or others, walking into Draco's rather poorly-planned trap to get him to Voldemort's rebirth ritual didn't seem like a very good idea. However, they allowed Harry to head off towards the maze before they went straight to the Aurors. After all, they knew Voldemort had to be brought back into some sort of physical form before he could finally be defeated, they just hoped Harry knew what he was doing.
Harry quickly located Malfoy and the captured Ron Weasley, who was still hanging upside-down in midair.
"Ha, at last I've got you, Scarhead!" Malfoy exclaimed.
"Can we get this over with?" said Harry. "I've got six very attractive witches waiting for me back at the stands."
"Oh, believe me, Potter, it will all be over soon." Malfoy gave a smarmy grin. "But first, I want payback for how you've humiliated me."
Harry was surprised when Draco lunged at him, not expecting the arrogant ponce to fight in a way that didn't involve hexing someone when their back was turned. Harry, however, simply shot out a hand and held Draco off at arm's length until the boy backed up.
"Wait, I wasn't ready!" Draco insisted. "I forgot my secret weapon!" Draco pulled out a small bottle of what looked like a gloopy bit of muck. When he unstoppered it, though, a curious thing happened. In the slight tussle between the two youths, a stray hair of Harry's had fallen onto Draco's sleeve. In a sheer bit of coincidence, that same hair came loose as soon as Draco open up the bottle of potion, promptly falling inside. The potion suddenly glowed a bright gold. "Aha! My Liquid Luck potion works!" Draco then tipped the potion back in one swallow.
Harry stared blankly. He knew Felix Felicis didn't go from greyish goop to shining gold like that. It quickly dawned on Harry that, somehow, Draco had gotten the recipe mixed up. Draco had just drunk Polyjuice that, considering its color, Harry was certain was for his own identity.
Harry was quickly proven correct when Malfoy's form shifted to that of Harry's.
"I suppose I shouldn't rough you up too much, Potter. The Dark Lord needs you in one piece."
Draco clearly hadn't realized he'd changed shape. The git must've misunderstood the feelings associated with the transformation. Harry just sighed and slowly shook his head.
"Fine, Malfoy, do your worst."
Draco grinned and lunged at Harry, this time holding up some random object that Harry assumed was the portkey to the graveyard. Harry was proven correct once again when he felt the hook-like sensation behind his navel and soon landed with a thump on a familiar stretch of ground. Malfoy was just standing up to dust himself off when Harry shot a body-bind and silencing hex at him. Harry quickly stood and morphed into Malfoy's form. Just in time as Lucius suddenly appeared, holding the evil-looking bundle that was Voldemort's current, baby-like form. Harry noticed that Nagini was nowhere to be seen, clearly because Wormtail hadn't been around.
"Ah, Draco, well done," Lucius said. "You actually did something right."
Harry just gave his best Draco impersonation and grinned smugly.
"Lucius, tie Potter to the headstone!" Voldemort hissed.
On the ground, the real Draco struggled in vain, trying to tell them that he wasn't Harry Potter. Harry didn't feel the least bit guilty about watching Draco be tied up to the headstone, nor when his blood was taken for the ritual. Harry had to fight back a maniacal grin when Lucius levitated a bone from the grave of Voldemort's father into the cauldron, remembering what he'd replaced the real bones with.
The cauldron frothed and bubbled, before a curious bout of red lights started shooting out of it. The cauldron then rumbled and melted. And in the midst of a cloud of black smoke, a dark mass huddled.
"It is complete! I am restored! I am-" Voldemort suddenly stopped in the middle of his exclamations. Instead of returning to his full, snake-human hybrid form, Voldemort had been transformed into some strange, red-eyed…wombat? "LUCIUS! What's happened to me?!"
"I don't know, my Lord," Lucius stammered, wincing in pain at the stump where his hand had once been. "Something must have gone wrong."
"But—but, how?"
It was at that moment that the real Draco transformed back. The evil man and the wombat both stared at Draco, then over at Harry who slowly morphed back to his true form, a smug smile on his face.
"See ya 'round, Voldie, Lucie," Harry said genially, before grabbing Draco by the shoulder and summoning the portkey which transported them back to Hogwarts.
Voldemort let out a high-pitched and very unintimidating scream of rage.
Harry immediately found himself swept into a group hug by his worried girlfriends. Draco was still thrashing about in a body-bind, silently screaming his head off.
"Mr. Potter, what happened?" Amelia Bones asked as soon as she and the other adults approached.
"I think we would all like to know that," Dumbledore added.
"You want to know what happened?" Harry said evenly. "Malfoy here had the brilliant idea of attempting to kidnap me. Incidentally, you might want to go and find Ronald Weasley. I imagine he's still caught in the yellow mist obstacle."
Harry saw one of the professors head off towards the maze.
"I think this would be a conversation better given in private," Harry continued. "Madam Bones, Minister Fudge, Professor McGongall, Headmaster Dumbledore," the last he said with a note of annoyance. "If you would all follow me, these lovely ladies here, and my close friend and ally, Neville Longbottom, up to the headmaster's office. I suggest you also bring a few Aurors. Also, Miss Bayly, if you could join us?
"I also recommend getting Malfoy to the hospital wing, preferably tied up so he can't make an escape after what's gone on this evening."
Malfoy was levitated away by Madam Pomfrey while Harry and the group made their way up to the headmaster's office. Once there, everyone took their seats and Harry launched into his story. He told them more or less everything, except the part about knowing it was Voldemort who was behind it all until the ritual actually started. Morphing into Draco's form was excused away by Harry's insistence that, considering Harry himself was the target, it would be safer to look like the one responsible form the kidnapping as Draco had somehow taken some sort of Polyjuice potion to look like Harry, clearly without realizing his mistake. Harry also insisted that he would not have allowed Draco to come to any real harm as he was still technically a Hogwarts student, but one who should be brought in for questioning by the authorities.
When Harry got to the part about Voldemort's resurrection, Minister Fudge looked about ready to wet his pants.
"But—but that's not possible! I mean, You-Know-Who is dead!"
"Yes, Minister," said Harry. "Well, virtually, Minister."
"He's not completely dead?"
"No, he's not completely dead, Minister, but he's not at all well. Seems he's had a strange reaction to the ritual and his new form is not…not quite as intimidating as it might otherwise have been."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, how do I put this? Something must have gone wrong because, well, Voldemort has somehow become a human-wombat hybrid."
Everyone just stared at Harry.
"I know, it sounds strange, but what do you expect with magic?"
"So…You-Know-Who is back?" Fudge said with a trembling voice, not wanting to believe it.
"I'm afraid so, Minister. Mostly because the headmaster here couldn't be bothered to share the information he had."
"I beg your pardon, Harry?" Dumbledore exclaimed.
"Professor, did you or did you not inform the Ministry when Voldemort's wraith had apparently been possessing Professor Quirrell during my first year, at the same time that you'd decided to hide the Philosopher's Stone in Hogwarts, knowing full well the danger it would pose to the students?"
"I-well I…"
"Did you or did you not bring Tom Riddle's cursed diary to the attention of the Ministry even after it had possessed a student and caused her to unleash the basilisk on the school?"
"I-"
"Sir, I'm afraid your negligence for student safety and your lack of initiative to bring the knowledge of things that could have aided in Voldemort's return to the attention of the Ministry to be completely reprehensible and in conflict with your position of headmaster. I am afraid I'm going to have to call for your resignation and prosecution. Miss Bayly, you have the necessary paperwork?"
"Right here, Lord Potter," Red replied, holding up a stack of forms.
Amelia's grin was quite nasty as she called in Tonks, Sirius, and the Longbottoms, who were on duty for the task that evening.
"Ladies, gentlemen, I believe we have someone here who needs to be escorted to the Ministry holding cells," Amelia said.
"Ahh, I had hoped we wouldn't have to hit this little snag," said Dumbledore. "You see, I have no intention of being ares-"
He was cut off when Sirius shot a body-bind curse in his direction. Only Dumbledore's situational awareness kept him from being hit. After all, he hadn't expected the Aurors to start firing before he'd finished his little speech. He had been trying to summon Fawkes to help him out, but the phoenix just glared at him. So, Dumbledore did the only thing that would make the entire situation much less risky for him. He Disapparated.
"Damn it!" Harry shouted. "Should've known he'd do that, the bastard. I can't believe I forgot that the headmaster can Apparate and Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds." Harry raised his wand. "I, Harry James Potter, Heir of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, hereby strip Albus Dumbledore of his title as Headmaster as he has been found to be remiss in his responsibilities to the school and its students. I hereby offer the post to Professor Minerva McGonagall."
Professor McGongall raised her own wand.
"I, Minerva Isobel McGongall, accept the post of Headmistress of Hogwarts as offered by Harry James Potter," she replied.
With a flash, the pact was sealed and the new head was instated.
"Well, now that that's over with, I hope the Ministry will take measures to ensure Voldemort and Dumbledore are taken down," said Harry.
"But, how on earth will I explain this to the public?" Fudge sputtered nervously. He knew there was no way he could brush this under the rug.
"I find that the truth tends to work best in most situations," said Harry. He then turned to Luna. "I trust your father would care for the story?"
"Of course, Harry," said Luna. "He's waiting downstairs right now."
"Minister, you have two paths open to you right now," Harry said to Fudge. "You can either take your stand against Voldemort and his Death Eaters now while they're still weak and Dumbledore while he's still on the run, and become widely respected as the Minister who stopped the danger before it had time to harm countless lives. Or else you could step aside and let someone else take the reins. I personally don't care which as I will be doing what I do best, making sure the students of Hogwarts have a safe and educational experience here. If either Voldemort or Dumbledore causes you problems, I will be happy to lend my support. You'll know where to find me. Now, however, I have an after-party to get to."
Harry, his girlfriends, and his best male friend made their way out of the office and headed for the Great Hall where a party was going in full-swing to celebrate the victory of Cedric Diggory, Fleur Delacour, and Viktor Krum who had, apparently, plotted to work together for a joint victory of the three schools.
Author's Note: Ha! I promised myself I'd get this done before New Year's Day and I did! Score one for Red! Sorry if it seems a bit rushed, but I wanted to meet the deadline.
Also, sorry about the problems with viewing the chapter. Fanfiction's been acting weird and I don't know what happened.
Omake: Some funny romance inserted for good measure.
Minerva McGongall was making her usual rounds about the castle when she heard a sound she was all too familiar with after being a professor for so long.
"All right, come out of that broom closet," she said evenly to the source of the noise.
Some giggles and shushes were the only response.
"Look, I've been a professor here for longer than I'd care to admit and I am more than familiar with the noises of certain activities. Either you can come out or I open the door."
No response.
McGonagall sighed in frustration and gave a wave of her wand that opened the closet door. What she hadn't been prepared for was the sight of a bedraggled Sirius Black and a disheveled Bathsheba Babbling to come tumbling out as they once had back in their Hogwarts days. Shaking off the feeling of Déjà vu, McGonagall rested her hands on her hips and donned "Seriously Unamused Frown Number Four" as she stared down the rambunctious Auror and the normally well-behaved Runes professor.
"Hiya, Minnie," Sirius said casually as he and his fiancée straightened themselves up.
"Mr. Black, had you two still been students I would give you two weeks' detention. This wouldn't be the first time I've caught you both canoodling in a Hogwarts broom closet, though it's the first time I've found you doing so as adults who are responsible for the wellbeing of innocent children."
"You obviously haven't been looking hard enough, Professor," Sirius replied smugly as Bathsheba blushed a bright red in mortification.
"Just see that it doesn't happen again. Or at least have the decency to not get caught."
McGonagall smiled quietly to herself as she turned away from the surprised couple.