He's Not Dead Yet
Hey, sorry for the wait. I got a bit distracted by the reading and such I had to do for my J-term course (Also, my 21st birthday came around on January 22nd, and I actually got a legitimate party for the first time in years-thanks to the people in my dorm). I've also gotten a bit distracted by Netflix and watching old TV series like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena: Warrior Princess (don't any of you dare judge me!).
Also, sorry about what was going on with the last chapter, I don't know what was causing the problems but it seems to be fixed now. Also, someone wondered why Harry's backup wand hasn't been mentioned, and I will tell you now that it will make an appearance at a crucial point.
I don't own Harry Potter or Monty Python (I just had to put in the one incredibly silly scene, I just had to).
Ah! Me War Wound!
Harry and the girls playfully staggered back to the Founders' Quarters, covered in confetti and laughing about the fun they had had at the after party. Harry was certain that someone had spiked the punch, because he couldn't focus straight and his hair kept cycling through different colors like he knew Tonks' sometimes did under similar circumstances. Neville and Hannah were still at the party, the last Harry had seen of them they were dancing on one of the tables (yep, that punch was definitely spiked).
"I still can't believe Fleur, Viktor, and Cedric conspired like that to win a joint victory," said Daphne. "Kind of defeats the whole point of the competition."
"Actually, I think it does the opposite," said Fay. "I mean, the purpose of the Triwizard was to bring cooperation between the three schools. What good is the competition if it just drives a wedge further between the students because of rivalry?"
"That's a really good point," said Tracey. "You know, when you think about, the whole notion of an intensely competitive tournament to promote international cooperation is just kind of stupid."
"Potter!" came an angry shout behind them. They all turned and saw Ronald Weasley standing behind them, looking absolutely furious. "I know you're responsible for me losing the tournament! It's all your fault I lost the chance at the money and the fame!"
"Ron, if it wasn't for me, Draco would likely have tortured and killed you," said Harry. He didn't doubt that Draco would've done it. "Now, if you'll excuse me, we're tired from the party and would like to retire for the evening. If you'll excuse us."
"You think you're so great, don't you, Potter?" Ron sneered as Harry and the girls turned back on their path. "Strutting around with those sluts of yours, acting like you're better than everyone else. Well, it's time someone taught you a lesson."
Before Ron could even point his wand at Harry, Harry had him disarmed while the girls all fired their own hexes at the prat.
"Was it necessary for all of you to hex him?" said Harry.
"Sorry, Harry, we just kind of reacted," said Fay.
"After all, some of us have been assisting in your security detail," said Susan.
"I suppose he did have it coming for calling you all that word," said Harry. "I must admit, I wasn't going to simply Stun him either."
"Better report this to a professor, though," said Hermione. "Unfortunately, we can't just leave him out here all night."
"Pity," said Daphne. "He has it coming."
By the following day, as everyone was preparing to leave for summer holiday, the news of Harry's, Hermione's, Luna's, Daphne's, Tracey's, Susan's, and Fay's relationship was public. Voldemort's return was also mentioned in The Quibbler that morning, but the additional information about his botched ritual and his new form caused many bouts of laughter and was largely overlooked in favor of talking about the six lucky ladies and the one lucky Harry as the happy group talked with their friends and made plans for the coming vacation.
The general Hogwarts populous and that of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang congratulated them, though there were a few venomous looks shot in the direction of Harry's new girlfriends. The girls knew that as soon as word got out that there would be a number of their classmates who would likely make some pitiful attempt to take their places at Harry's side; the idiots who tried anything would soon find out why you didn't mess with the six strongest witches in Hogwarts.
Rumors had also begun to circle about what happened to the headmaster, as Professor McGonagall had now taken the reins of the school. Some even said Harry killed Dumbledore in an epic duel, or at least banished him to the Puppet Dimension so he would never bother their world again.
However, the rumors of Dumbledore's death, or at least banishment to the Puppet Dimension, were greatly exaggerated. Dumbledore had, in fact, decided to Apparate to one of the countries that felt indebted to him for 'defeating' Grindelwald. As it happened, the country he chose to go to so he could hide out and maybe rally some support was Bulgaria. So, as soon as he was recognized after appearing in the magical district, he was quickly set upon by an angry mob of witches and wizards who had learned, thanks to Viktor Krum, that Dumbledore had not killed Grindelwald as he had made it seem and had, instead, simply locked the bastard up in Nurmengard.
Let's just say that old Dumbles was not having a good day.
"Lucius!" the dark wombat Voldemort squeaked.
"Yes, my Lord?"
"Have you figured out what's wrong with me yet?"
"I'm afraid not, Master. It would take an expert to figure that out."
"Then we need to get in the other Death Eaters. Maybe one of them will have some measure of competence. And believe me, Lucius, your son Dorko is in for the Cruciatus of a lifetime for letting Potter get away for botching up my rebirth."
"Yes, Master."
Lucius knew it would mean his immediate execution if he laughed, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to take his master seriously when he looked and sounded so ridiculous. Not that he would ever allow those thoughts to pass through his mind as his master was still an expert Legilimens. Lucius also knew they couldn't keep their hideout at that old manor hour, and Lucius' own mansion would likely be the first place the Aurors would look. Lucius just hoped the other Death Eaters would have the sense not to say anything about their master's new form that might cause him to start shooting Crucios.
Minister Fudge was frantically pacing around his office as Amelia Bones watched him with an air of slight bemusement.
"What am I going to do, Amelia?" Fudge whined. "The Dark Lord can't be back!"
"I'm afraid he is, Minister," Amelia replied. "The public has been informed and any attempt at a cover-up would only make them outraged that the Ministry chose to put the lives of innocents at risk just to avoid dealing with the problem."
"But I don't know how to handle this, Amelia! I'm a politician, you know I can't make decisions for myself! This involves going up against…againt…"
"Against a giant wombat with severely diminished magical powers. If you're so worried, just give me the authority to deal with this."
"You-you'd really do that, Amelia?"
"It is kind of my job to take down Dark wizards, Cornelius."
"Yes, of course! Anything you need, just ask!"
"I have your permission to use whatever means I feel are necessary to take down Voldemort?"
"Agreed!"
"I can use Veritaserum on any suspect at any time without asking consent or a warrant?"
"Agreed!"
"And I can question any member of the Ministry, in any position, if I have just cause to suspect them?"
"Yes, yes, agreed! Just please take care of this mess!"
Amelia smiled.
"Thank you, Minister, it's a pleasure doing business with you."
Cornelius sat down nervously at his desk as he watched Amelia leave. His nerves on edge, he twiddled his thumbs and hoped that dumping the entire situation in Amelia's lap would pay off.
Summer saw many happy and fun memories being made. Harry, his girlfriends, and his friends all enjoyed the joyous time of year, going to beaches and parties and traveling to exotic locations and all the usual things one does when their life is turning up roses like Harry's was.
Then, of course, there was the trip to Norway for Sirius and Bathsheba's wedding. Harry's girlfriends and their families had all been invited, as well as the few remaining relatives Sirius had that he could stand the sight of.
Tonks had even been invited to serve as a bridesmaid, something which she handled with her usual amount of elegance and grace by tripping over her dress about halfway down the aisle. Remus was, naturally, serving as the best man, though Sirius also requested Harry to stand up there with him as well.
Bathsheba's family were a fairly friendly group, with the exception of her Aunt Skadi, who was terrifyingly frigid towards everyone. Bathsheba's cousins had taken up the responsibility of giving Sirius the "hurt her and you die" spiel as her father wasn't alive to do it himself.
Harry couldn't help but feel overjoyed for his godfather when the lovely bride made her way down the aisle. After all, Sirius deserved happiness after the twelve years of Hell he'd been through. Plus, with Sirius and Bathsheba on their honeymoon, that meant Harry was practically unsupervised as Remus seemed to be getting frequently distracted by Tonks. Harry had wondered if the two would get together in this new timeline without the Order of the Phoenix pushing them together, at least now they could develop a relationship under healthier circumstances, especially considering Harry and Sirius had been helping Remus get over his feelings of self-hatred.
The summer ended up going by fairly quickly for everyone. Well, everyone except a certain dark wombat. None of his non-imprisoned followers knew how to undo what had happened to him, plus he had to Crucio them constantly because they couldn't seem to control their laughter. One attempt at getting him back to his old self just ended up with him getting a terrible speech impediment.
"Wot did you foows do?" Voldemort snapped. "This is tewwible!"
"It's not so bad, my Lord," said one of the Death Eaters. "Certainly not worth Crucio-ing us over," he added hopefully.
"Hmmm. Cwucio!"
"GAHH!"
"Wewll, at weast I can stiwl cast a pwopah Cwucio."
"My Lord, perhaps if we break the others out of Azkaban, then they might know something?" another Death Eater suggested.
"Bwiwliant! I'm so gwad I thought of it. In the meantime, we wiwl wemind Bwitain of who they should feaw! Pwepah fow a stwike of epic pwopowtions!"
Another Death Eater couldn't hold it in anymore and doubled over laughing, only to end up being Crucioed.
As Voldemort plotted the impending attack on Azkaban, he gave his Death Eaters permission to cause havoc and destruction. However, his instructions were not exactly understood. So, at the office of the head of the DMLE, Director Bones was faced with a serious task at hand.
"Fifteen Sickles a head? That's ordinary cabbage, is it? Well, how much are the bombs? Good Lord, they are expensive." Amelia hung up the new Splunge Inc. cellphone (a new and hot item on the wizarding market thanks to Harry and his Board and soon to be released on a wider scale to the Muggle world).
There was a knock on the door.
"Enter!"
Auror Tonks entered the room.
"Ma'am, news from the front."
"Yes?"
"Well, the enemy have all got little silver halos."
"What?"
"And they've got fairy wands. And they've got spiders in matchboxes."
"Merlin's beard, how did our Aurors react?"
"Well, they were jolly interested, Ma'am. Some of them, I think it was the Southampton Division, they – Well they…"
"Go on."
"Well, they wanted to have a look at the spiders."
"Oh my God," Amelia groaned. She then turned to Shacklebolt, Moody, and Scrimgeour. "Gentlemen, we face a serious problem. It seems the enemy are not only fighting this war on the cheap, but they're also not taking it seriously."
"Bastards," growled Moody.
"First, they fire off cabbages instead of decent explosive spells-"
"The crates were probably quite expensive, Ma'am," Tonks interjected.
"Quiet, critic! And now, they're doing very silly things in one of the most vital areas of the war."
"What are we going to do, Amy?" asked Scrimgeour.
"We're going to outsmart them. We'll show these Russians-"
"Death Eaters," corrected Kingsley.
"- these Death Eaters that no British Auror will descend to their level. Anyone found trivializing this war will face the supreme penalty that Ministry law can provide."
As Amelia was faced with the daunting and very confusing task of dealing with Death Eaters doing very silly things rather than their usual tactics of mayhem and destruction, Harry and the others were preparing for their return to Hogwarts.
"Going to be a bit strange experiencing fifth year without all the horror and nightmares and death we faced last time," said Harry.
"Don't jinx is, Harry," Hermione warned. "You've never been lucky enough to stay out of danger for too long."
"I know. I'm sure that soon enough something will happen that will force me to have to deal with Moldyshorts and his Death Munchers."
"At least Aunt Amelia is handling the situation very well," said Susan. "Last time, she wasn't…around long enough to make a big difference."
"Well, we'll see to it she is around for a long time to come, Sue," Fay assured her. "Is it true, though, what we've heard about the Death Eaters not following their usual scare tactics?"
"Yes, it's the weirdest thing."
The day before Harry and the others were set to return to school, Voldemort launched his attack on Azkaban. It had actually been more difficult than the dark wombat expected, but he still liberated a crucial part of his fighting force. The news was shocking to Britain, but they knew to be on high alert this time.
As it turned out, Augustus Rookwood, the former Unspeakable, actually did know of a ritual to restore Voldemort to his true form. However, there were conditions to the ritual that Voldemort was less-than-pleased about. Firstly, he wouldn't have his powers back to their former strength until he killed the one responsible for his being in the state he was (meaning Harry), which Voldemort had already planned on doing but he had wanted to do it when he was at his most powerful. The second issue was that Voldemort still had a speech problem that Rookwood couldn't fix until after the ritual had been fully accomplished as adding any additional spells to the mix could make the problem worse. And the third thing that really irked Voldemort was that he might, on occasion, revert back to his wombat form temporarily until the ritual was fully completed (Voldemort also didn't seem to appreciate Rookwood's comment of "Think of it as being a wombat Animagus").
What made the whole situation worse was that Bellatrix apparently thought wombats were cute and kept trying to convince Voldemort to keep the transformation. Some existences just weren't worth getting up for, Voldemort thought.
Author's Note: Sorry this chapter's short. I wanted to get it out as fast as I could. I'm going to be really busy this semester, especially considering I'm participating in my Capstone course which is an absolute essential for me to graduate. I'm also taking Ancient Warfare, Greek Mythology, and Aegean Bronze Age Cultures.