He's Not Dead Yet
Howdy, folks. Guess what I learned? According to the Harry Potter Wiki, Luna's mother's name is Pandora (not "Selene" like I had thought it should be). Kind of fitting in a way, but it's a bit like the bombshell for people in the AtLA/LoK fandom who thought Zuko's daughter's name would be "Honora" or "Ursa" and instead it was "Izumi." All those fanfics that used those names will now have to be edited. Bwahaha! *Laughing and sobbing*
I deeply regret not naming this chapter "Owl-Stretching Time" but I had already used it for an earlier chapter.
Also, I've been getting some 'brilliant' comments from people complaining about my use of Monty Python references. Newsflash! Monty Python was the entire reason why I wrote this fic. I had to cut back on having too much Monty Python because of the complaints last time, but I will not remove every trace of it! If you don't like it then go read something else, genius! I made it quite clear from the beginning that my goal was to combine Monty Python and Harry Potter. Without it, this story would be boring in my opinion, and I'm writing for myself and the people who actually get my sense of humor, now bugger off!
I don't own Harry Potter or Monty Python.
A Boot in the Teeth and a Dagger up the Strap
As the students made their way up to the castle for their new year at Hogwarts, a certain snowy owl glided swiftly into the Owlery and settled herself upon her designated perch on the highest tier. It had taken Hedwig a while to reach such a prestigious place, but she had achieved the highest post within the Owlery even before her human's status as the master of the mighty castle had been confirmed.
Hedwig had been practically seen as a fledgling and had had more than a few scrapes with the owls of those humans who were at odds with her own. In particular the cocky though dim-witted eagle owl that served the arrogant blonde human. The school owls had learned their place quickly enough, finding out in the first year why one should never oppose the regal avian that was Hedwig. The student owls had taken more convincing, but not one made any further protests when they learned from their own humans why Hedwig's was to be revered.
"Back once again, Majestic One?" said Hedwig's personal kiss-up, a rather excitable young horned owl named Irvin, who was several tiers down.
"Yes, my Harry has brought me back to ensure order is maintained within his territory," Hedwig replied.
"And I noticed he is keeping his mates closer than before," added an eerie-looking but intelligent Stygian who went by the name of Erebus, who sat on the tier just below Hedwig's. "In particular, I have seen that my Luna is among them." Erebus had been a gift from Luna's father the previous Christmas. He was new to the Owlery, but Hedwig quickly determined him to be trustworthy.
"Yes, the little moon-child is someone I am proud to see as one of my Harry's mates," said Hedwig.
"As is my Daphne," concurred a stately-looking barn owl by the name of Athena, the only owl with enough gumption to perch directly across from Hedwig herself. "She is an exceptionally splendid magic-user and is equal to any one of the other females."
"Indeed she is," Hedwig agreed. "My Harry is lucky to have her." She swiveled her head back to Erebus. "And your Luna as well. I am quite proud to call you my brother and sister. It is nice to have at least some intelligence within this Owlery."
"What about me, Majestic One?" Irvin piped up hopefully.
"Keep riding my tail feathers, fledgling, and we'll see how it goes. Now, on to the important matters. This year, I'm hoping to improve our bacon tribute by at least 30%..."
Harry watched happily as the group of nervous first years shuffled in, preparing to be sorted. They were what it was all about, the future of the world, a world Harry promised himself would be better, a world where children like them wouldn't get caught up in the horrors of a war that should never have happened. Harry knew that some of those children had likely been killed in the old timeline, snatched away as they were boarding the Hogwarts Express to never be seen or heard from again.
Not this time, though. Harry was going to ensure that they, and every student that came to Hogwarts, would never have to go through that. That everyone who came to Hogwarts could be assured of a safe environment that was actually conducive to learning.
Harry was quite pleased with how things were looking for the new school year. Voldemort wasn't going to be a huge problem at the moment, not after what Harry had done to his ritual. The Ministry was actually being competent for once, thanks to Fudge handing the whole thing over to Amelia, who was not disinclined to force Veritaserum down a suspect's throat even when told that said suspect was an "upstanding member of the community who would never join the Dark Lord."
Harry noticed that Malfoy wasn't back this year. A pity, really, as Harry had been prepared to have the boy arrested for his involvement in the plot to resurrect Voldemort. Too bad Draco had given them the slip before summer. Oh well, they'd catch him eventually.
Harry was also pleased with how the selection of Prefects had gone this year. Hermione was still the female Prefect for Gryffindor, as was expected, and Neville had been appointed as the male Prefect (Harry shared a look with Headmistress McGonagall as she gave the opening address that indicated she knew Harry wasn't interested in the Prefect position, being the owner of Hogwarts and all). Daphne and Blaise had been made the Prefects for Slytherin, Susan and Ernie for Hufflepuff, and Padma Patil and Anthony Goldstein for Ravenclaw.
"…and first years should note that the Forbidden Forest is exactly that. Forbidden. There are a number of dangerous creatures in those woods, including a colony of Acromantulas which is being transferred to a more suitable sanctuary by the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures."
Harry looked over at the staff table and saw that Hagrid seemed fairly somber. Harry hadn't really had a choice but to get the Acromantulas moved to a sanctuary abroad as he knew what a danger they posed to both the school and the environment. Still, he didn't like seeing Hagrid upset, but the man had to learn that his "misunderstood" and "interesting" creatures were a credible threat.
On a lighter note, Harry was quite looking forward to the coming year. In addition to his regular courses in magic, he was also taking Math (he'd finally gotten teachers for math courses; they were the hardest to find in the magical community and he'd had to look overseas to locate them; he'd have to send Mr. Bayly a thank-you card for the help). Harry had discovered from Arithmancy that he actually quite enjoyed math, recalling how he'd done well in it in primary school. And it was perfect for enchanting and all the work he was doing with advancing magical technology.
Harry only half-listened to the opening address. He was focusing on the notebook in front of him, tapping his pen against the page. That was one of the good habits Hermione had pushed him into, keeping notes and a schedule so he wouldn't lose focus. He'd already restructured the points system, now Harry was working on making some additions to Hogwarts and possibly restructuring the House system (he had a formula in his head for how it would work and it made considerably more sense than using an old hat to separate students into groups like this).
"Looking forward to the new year?" Fay said across from Harry as the feast began.
"Very much," Harry replied. "You?"
"Not as nervous about the OWLs as last time."
"The OWLs," Hermione gasped from Harry's right. "I can't believe I forgot."
"Hermione, relax."
"Don't you tell me to relax, Harry Potter. And don't think I can't see you smirking at me, Fay Dunbar."
"Why would I be smirking at you?" Fay said, trying to hide her smirk by turning her head away from Hermione and keeping her hand up to try and block the other girl's view.
"Oooh, you both aren't taking this seriously. We know the answers to the OWLs because we got those memories. This is like…like cheating."
"It's not technically cheating, Hermione," Fay assured her. "We may have seen the exams and gone through the practicals, but we already know more than enough to pass our NEWTs by now. I suppose it will be a bit different what with all the non-magical courses we have now."
"At least that will be more of a challenge," Harry offered. "Good thing the Muggle Liaison offices at the Ministry have been able to get us standard testing done so we have our credentials for the non-magical world if any of us want to go to University."
"Right, Harry," Fay agreed, turning back to a flustered Hermione. "So, the real question here, Hermione, is which do you prefer: Oxford, Cambridge, or other?"
Meanwhile, further up the table, Ron was glaring furiously at Harry. It just wasn't fair, in Ron's opinion, that Harry had ended up with not just one but six girlfriends while Ronald had been, again in his opinion, cheated out of the glory and fame he deserved as a Hogwarts champion last year. Ron was also seething that Harry had obviously used his influence to get Neville Longbottom made Prefect when Ron felt he deserved that privilege.
Beside Ron, Ginny was alternating between staring longingly at Harry and directing hateful looks at Hermione and Fay. Ginny had heard about Harry having gotten six girlfriends and it outraged her to no end. Harry was supposed to be hers, dammit! What was worst was that she didn't have access to any love potion to help Harry realize exactly who he should be with.
Many scholars, looking back on these events in history from a hundred or so years in the future, would forever swear that Ronald and Ginevra Weasley had eaten fruit from the Tree of Stupidity when they were young (that most of the scholars making these claims could trace their heritage to the names Lovegood and Potter has no bearing whatsoever on the nature of said scholarly assertions).
"I just hope the Voldemort issue will be dealt with soon," said Hermione. "We don't need any more trouble from him."
"He won't be much of a threat, Hermione," said Harry. "Amelia is doing an excellent job dealing with the Death Eaters and it's not like Voldemort will be showing his face in public after what I did to mess up his resurrection."
Red rolled her eyes as she heard the unmistakable sounds of Reginald mauling someone foolish enough to try sneaking into her house.
"Reg, I thought I said you weren't allowed to eat the Jehovah's Witnesses anymore," she called out.
The large tiger, its lips smeared with blood and clutching a mutilated corpse in its jaws, strode casually into its owner's bedroom. Red looked at the body and realized it wasn't one of those door-to-door evangelists like she'd assumed.
"Oh, it was a Death Eater," she said. "Never mind, continue what you were doing. After all, better you take care of your little 'problems' in a productive way. And nothing says rehab quite like brutally slaughtering terrorists."
"My fwends," Voldemort addressed his inner circle, "we face a most pewilous time…Bewwatwix, stop that." Bellatrix, who had been discretely trying to scratch wombat-mort behind the ears, pouted as she sat back in her chair. "The Bones woman has been intawfewing with ouw pwans. Much of ouw fowces have been neutwawized and…Is thahw something amusing you, Yaxwey?"
"No, my Lord," Yaxley said, fighting back his laughter.
"Hmm. Anyway. What of ouw new wecwuits?"
"We have several new initiates, my Lord," said Lucius. "Unfortunately, they're not exactly…"
"Tally-ho!" an effusive voice announced. "Dreadful sorry, old man. Hope I didn't brass you off. Just got caught up with a bad case of gippy-tummy. Couldn't find the ablutions. Had to make due with a desert lily."
The other Death Eaters stared as one of the newer members took his seat.
"Right," said Lucius. "How did your training mission go?"
"Oh, it was quite the flap. Those balley sprogs pranged their kites into drink. The squabbling bleeder went to shaftie the clanger when some clot came in and got us up by our black-outs. A number of my oppos ended up going for a Burton."
He said this very fast.
"Sorry, I'm not following at all," said Lucius. "Could you repeat that, perhaps a bit slower?"
"Banter's not the same if you say it slower, Lucy."
"Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, gents!" a new arrival shouted. "Grab your egg and fork and let's get the bacon delivered!"
"What?" everyone said.
"Do you understand that?" Lucius asked the first recruit.
"No, didn't get a word of it."
"Sorry, I'm afraid we don't understand your banter," Yaxley said to the new arrival.
"You know," the frantic man shouted. "Balley ten-penny ones dropping in the custard!" Everyone just stared. "Uhhhm, Charlie chopper's tucking a handful!"
"No, no, sorry," said Lucius. "Could you try giving it to us a bit slower?"
"Slower banter, sir?"
Suddenly, the hideout was rocked with a furious trembling.
"We know you're in there!" Amelia's Bones' voice echoed from outside. "Come out now and surrender!"
"Crikey!" the first recruit shouted. "Time to bail out, lads! Balley Bones is coming right up the blue end! Cabbage crates coming over the briny!"
Everyone exchanged looks.
"No," was the unanimously confused echo.
Author's Note: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Also, I am sorry this is mostly a filler chapter, but I just really wanted to get something out to let you all know I haven't given up yet. I've been really distracted by my schoolwork, plus I've switched fandom gears recently (I've gotten really hooked on The Avengers; both the movies and the cartoon series).
Anyway, here's an omake that I couldn't really fit into the main story arc.
*[Voldemort, Bellatrix, and Lucius are hiding out at a magical boarding house in Minehead]
The landlady cheerfully showed the Johnson couple around the boarding house, introducing them to the other residents.
"And over here is Mr. Moldevort."
Voldemort straightened up.
"Ah, hello," he said trying to sound casual. "Good afternoon."
The landlady then noticed the map Voldemort, Lucius, and Bellatrix had laid out on the table in front of them.
"Planning a little excursion, are we, Mr. Moldevort?" she asked.
"Yes, yes, we're making a little…" he turned to Bellatrix and Lucius.
"Hike," said Lucius.
"We're making a little hike for-for Bideford."
"Oh," said Mr. Johnson, "well, you'll be wanting the A39, then. No, no, you've got the wrong map, there. This is Godric's Hollow. You want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section."
Voldemort and his two accomplices began to laugh. Voldemort then turned to Bellatrix.
"Bell- uh, I mean Beatrice, you have the wrong map you silly old leg-before-wicket Englishwoman."
"I'm-I'm sorry my Dark Lord, I did not-" Voldemort gave her a slap on the cheek. "I mean my-my dear old chum."
Everyone chuckled bemusedly.
"Lucky Mr. Johnson pointed that out, eh?" said the landlady. "You wouldn't have had much fun in Godric's Hollow, would you?" She laughed loudly. "I said you wouldn't have had much fun in Godric's Hollow, would you?"
"Not much fun in Godric's Hollow, no," said Voldemort through gritted teeth.
The landlady then turned back to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't introduce you. This is Mucius, Mucius Lalfoy."
"Oh, not Lucius Malfoy, then?" said Mr. Johnson.
"No!" shouted Lucius. "No, no, a different man entirely. I'm from Somerset and Lucius Malfoy was born in 46 Serpentine Lane, Malfoy Manor, Wiltshire. So they say!" he added as an afterthought before chuckling.
"And this is the quiet one," the landlady said, indicating towards Bellatrix. "Mrs. Beatrice Lebrange."
"How do you do there, squire?" said Bellatrix, speaking rather rapidly. "Also, I'm not a Minehead girl, but was actually born in Peterborough, Lincolnshire house, and had to stay in Peterborough, Lincolnshire house all during the war, owing to nasty, running sores. I was unable to go in the streets, play Quidditch, or go to the Death Eater trials. Ah! I am a retired window-cleaner and pacifist, without doing war-crimes. And was commander of the Death Eater raiding groups for ten years." Voldemort slapped her on the shoulder. "No, five years!" Voldemort slapped her shoulder again, more frantically this time. "No, wait, no, I was not commander of the Death Eater raiding groups at all! I made a joke."
The three naïve people all laughed at her 'antics' while Voldemort glared at her.
"Oh, Mrs. Lebrange, how you do have us on," said the landlady fondly. Just then, there was the sound of a Floo-call coming through. "Oh, excuse me a moment, I must just go and answer that."
As the landlady walked off, Mr. Johnson turned to Voldemort.
"Uh, how long are you down here for, Mr. Moldevort? Just the fortnight?" he said.
Voldemort reacted by drawing his wand.
"Why did you ask that?! Are you a spy or something?! Get over against the wall, you Mudblood pig, you're going to die!"
Mr. Johnson seemed relatively unfazed, clearly thinking this was all in good fun. Lucius and Bellatrix, however, had leapt up to keep Voldemort from doing anything rash.
"Easy there, dear old pal," said Bellatrix.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson," said Lucius, "he's a bit on-edge. He hasn't slept since 1981."
"Shut your cake-hole, you Death Eater," said Voldemort to Lucius.
"Oh, the fun we have," Lucius said with a nervous chuckle.
"Haven't I seen him in the papers?" said Mr. Johnson.
"No! No!" Lucius replied as Voldemort tried to duck out of sight.
"You sure, I could've sworn-"
"No, no."
"Floo-call for you, Mr. Moldevort," said the landlady. "It's that nice Mr. McCarrow from the Bell and Compasses."
"Ah," said Voldemort.
"He says he's found a place where you can hire terrorists by the hour."
"IF HE OPENS HIS BIG MOUTH AGAIN, IT'S CRUCIATUS TIME!" Voldemort shouted as he stormed over to the fireplace.
"Oh, ha-ha, 'hire terrorists by the hour,' what a laugh he is, that Scottish person," said Lucius, who quickly followed after Voldemort.
"He's on the Floo the whole time, nowadays," said the landlady.
"In business, is he?" inquired Mr. Johnson.
"Soon, baby," said Bellatrix, grinning.