I want to thank you all for your reviews and follows: I'm overwhelmed with the attention this fic has gotten and it makes me very happy, as I love to write it. This chapter is the most heartbreaking I've written so far and it's also my favorite. I hope you like it... and if you need something to lift you up at the end, let me know and I'll recommend you a fluff piece!

Once again, all the love in the world to Jess and Sandra, my beacons of hope in this fic

PS: and I figure out how to freaking insert horizontal lines. go me! (it's the little victories in life, people)

Chapter 14 - The Jolly Roger

I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love
So Cruel, U2

Killian sat on the stool over his kitchen counter, nursing his beer and a shot of rum. He'd changed into his flannel pajama pants and a white t-shirt and was looking at his drinks while wondering where all went wrong.

He knew it was a bad idea letting Emma into the investigation, but he expected at least a few more days before all hell broke loose like that. He finished his rum in one shot and was washing it down with the beer when he heard the knock on the door.

When he opened the door, he found Emma standing in front of him. Her eyes were red, she had been crying.

"Swan, what is it?" He asked concerned. "Did something happen to Henry?" He feared for the lad.

She shook her head before looking at him straight in the eyes. "You traded your ship for me?" Her voice was raw and broken.

Bloody hell.

"Aye." He replied in a croaky voice. He knew he couldn't avoid this anymore, so he stepped aside to allow her to enter his house.

She walked to the middle of the room and removed her jacket before facing him again.

"How?" She whispered.

He sighed. "Does it matter, Swan?"

"Humor me." She defied him.

"I got the message that the curse was coming. I ditched my crew and took the Jolly Roger as far and as fast as I possibly could to outrun it."

"You outran a curse…" It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

"I'm a hell of a captain, love." He smirked sadly. "Once I was outside the curse's purview, I knew that the walls were down. Transport between the worlds was possible again. All I needed was a magic bean."

"So you traded the only thing that meant something to you in order to get it." She looked at him.

He looked away painfully as he nodded.

"You shouldn't have done it… that was your home, Killian. Your memories…" She trailed off.

"I'd do it again in a heartbeat." He replied, his blue eyes burning with passion.

She looked at him, pity in her eyes. And that broke him off… he could take almost everything: he could deal with rejection, pain, anger, indifference. But he would not be pitied.

Captain Hook will not be pitied.

"Why are you here?" He spat.

"I – I had to talk to you… I didn't know." She said. "Why did you do it?"

He looked at her intently, passion consuming his eyes, "You know why, Emma. You've always known why."

"Killian…"

The commiserating tone in her voice was ripping him on the inside. "Do you really want to hear it, love?" He gave her a pained look. "I did it because I loved you. I'd have given everything, done anything, for the chance to get to you. Especially if your family or you were in danger. I just had to reach you."

She watched him standing in front of her, wrecked by pain. She slowly approached him, resting her hand on his cheek. "You were never supposed to find out, Swan." He whispered.

"You should've told me…" She said.

"Would it have made a difference?" He asked, his eyes boring into hers.

"I don't know." She replied honestly.

He sighed and smiled sadly. "But that is the thing, Emma. When I asked you to stay, it was never about the things I'd done or that I would do for you. It was about the things you'd want to do for me. I would not have it any other way." He looked at her. "It doesn't matter anymore: at the end of the day, it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for you to stay."

Her heart broke at the sight of him in front of her, the man who sacrificed everything for her, only to come out of it with the losing hand. She couldn't deal with it; she couldn't deal with the regret she felt as she relived those moments in which she'd rejected him. She had to stop her head from spinning around, her heart from clenching, she had to stop feeling.

He took a step back in surprise as he felt her lips crashing into his, her hand grabbing his neck and pulling him closer to her forcefully. It took him a second to kiss her back with the same passion and intensity, his mind spinning around. She was kissing him, she was finally kissing him. Her hands reached desperately for her sweater and she broke the kiss just long enough to pull it over her head and then she was kissing him again, her hands caressing his back through his t-shirt. He had her. He finally had her.

No, you don't. She just feels guilty. If you let this happen, it will haunt you down in the end.

He pushed her away, taking two steps back and looking at her with pained determination, "What is this, Swan? You feel guilty because I lost everything so now you are just going to sleep with me as some sort of sick way of paying me back?"

"Killian… that is not…" She tried to explain, but she could not find the words.

"I don't need this, Swan. If you think you can come here and throw yourself at me as a pity fuck, then you really never understood me, lass."

He saw the tears in her eyes, the guilt creeping all over her and he knew he had to stop. But he'd bottled this inside for so long, he had to let go. He had to lay it all out and finally let go.

"You used to ask me about that year, Emma. Well, lass, here's the truth I kept from you: I ditched your parents as soon as we arrived, determined to find my ship. When I couldn't find her, I took to pirating the roads, which was a very profitable activity. I didn't help Ariel, as you all think: I left her prince adrift so I could get back my ship, only because Blackbeard accused me of going soft. I lived with that regret every single day, and that is why Zelena was able to curse my lips. But back in the Enchanted Forest, I couldn't go back to be the pirate I once was, because there was not a day that went by that you were not constantly in my mind. I traded a prince's life as a last chance to forget you and I failed." He looked at her, pain and self-loathe in his eyes. "Once I outran the curse and went looking for a bean, do you know who I had to trade with?"

She seemed to read his thoughts at that moment, "Blackbeard."

"Aye. He made me beg and plead, he made me admit that I was just a poor excuse of a pirate, a lovefool who had gone soft and was now reduced to be the messenger of the royal family. A fool in love with a princess who would never look at him the same way."

Emma's eyes filled with tears as she felt the humiliation seeping through him.

"I said it all, Emma. I admitted it all because there was nothing I wouldn't have done to reach you. And after he had his laugh, he made me promise on your life that I would never set foot again in the Enchanted Forest."

He looked at her, "And I did." He sighed. "So there you go, Emma. I was banned from my own land because of my own words. When you moved back to New York, I had nothing to look forward to. Not anymore. So I went to see Regina. I only wanted directions to the nearest city and a few pieces of advice and I was ready to go again, to encounter my last adventure: to find a new life or die trying." He smiled. "Regina offered me this and I just…took it. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I'm content in here. I like the man I've become. I have a job and friends. I've even tried dating for a while; even if it was not a successful tale."

He walked towards her, his hand lifting her chin so she would face him, "You don't get to come here and judge me for it, or for what token I use to remember someone by. Do you want to talk about tokens, Swan? Take a look at this one, love, and tell me what you think." He said as he stepped away and reached for the collar of his white t-shirt, pulling it down so she could see his left shoulder.

She gasped at the sight of the black swan tattoo in the space between his collarbone and his shoulder.

He looked at her, pain and regret in his eyes, "You don't get to barge into my apartment for a quick romp with me to take your regrets away. I've never wanted that. Moreover, I don't deserve that."

She looked at him, tears falling from her eyes. He bent down to grab her jacket and sweater from the floor and handed it to her. "I think it's best if you leave, Swan."

"I'm sorry, Killian." She said before leaving his apartment. The moment he closed the door, she collapsed on the hallway, letting the tears flow as pain took over her.

He collapsed on the floor, his head resting on the door, tears running from his eyes, his hand on his left shoulder, where the tattoo was.