He's Not Dead Yet

Sorry it's been a while. I've been in a slump this summer and now I have my senior year at college to deal with, plus I've really gotten sucked into reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy (I also plan to read The Silmarillion; that's basically the backstory to Tolkien's world, for those of you who didn't know; if you like lots of wonderful, beautiful elves that you will get deeply attached to only for them to die sudden, tragic deaths and leave you heartbroken, the Silmarillion is right for you; I might not have read it yet, but I'm in the fandom and did some background reading). Plus, I read "Bored of the Rings" (the official parody of Tolkien's work written by the Harvard Lampoon). Unfortunately, I read Bored of the Rings before I read Lord of the Rings, so let's just say my view got a little tainted.

Anyway, getting close to the end for this story. I think I've only got a couple more chapters in me. I've just kind of reached that stage most writers get to where I am starting to resent my own work, especially considering how much time stuff like this takes up.

Well, I don't own Harry Potter or any Monty Python gags that may or may not be included in this chapter.

The Webb's Wonder Lettuce Must Destroy us all

The school year was coming to a close, as it often did, and things had been relatively quiet that year. Harry and his year-mates were taking their OWLs (and were actually prepared for them this time), Peeves had gotten into the habit of slipping whoopee-cushions onto people's seats, no life-threatening incidents occurred on school grounds, and Sirius and Bathsheba's baby was due any day.

All in all, it was shaping up to be a pretty quiet year. However, things were not destined to remain so because of four people: Voldemort, Dumbledore, and Ron and Ginny Weasley.

Voldemort was in one of his 'moods.' His Death Eaters had been decimated and the few who had survived whatever had caused the decline outright refused to say what happened. His few remaining supporters were all on-edge and Voldemort had begun to fear a mutiny. What he needed to do was boost morale for his forces. He had to do something to restore their inclination to go out and sow murder and chaos, likely by an exercise in sowing murder and chaos. But he couldn't just waltz out into Diagon Alley with such a small and cringing group, especially not when there were Aurors on constant surveillance.

It was all that damn Potter's fault. Voldemort wasn't sure how, but he knew Potter was the reason for all his problems, even if it was Amelia Bones who'd gotten carte blanche for dealing with him and his Death Eaters. No, he knew Potter was somehow behind it all, and he was going to prove, once and for all, that no one makes a fool of Lord Voldemort.

It would be swift and sudden. An attack on Hogsmeade to remind the wizarding world that Lord Voldemort was still a very real and very deadly threat. No one would dare question him again. And, with any luck, Potter would be there and Voldemort could finally have his revenge. And use Rookwood's ritual to fix his appearance and get rid of his speech impediment.

He would be vindicated!

Dumbledore sat morosely in his current hiding spot, a cave just outside Hogsmeade. How had it come to this? He'd once been the most revered wizard in all of Britain and much of the outside world, too. Now he was reduced to hiding in a cave and left to gaze longingly into the distance at his beloved Hogwarts. It was probably not the safest thing to be so close to the school, but, of course, the last place the Aurors would expect him to be was in such close proximity to Hogwarts.

His plans had fallen through in the most outrageous and humiliating of ways. He was no longer the Leader of the Light, but instead a reviled and disgraced man on the run from the law. If only there was a way to get back some form of control. He just needed the proper leverage in order to get back on top.

He skimmed through the newspaper he'd pilfered from a trashcan. It wasn't particularly interesting as there was not much going on at the moment. However, his eyes alighted on an advertisement.

Doug Piranha's Hourly Rent-a-Mob Service

Need to launch an uprising? Blow up an airport terminal? Take over a castle inhabited by arrogant dicks? Then enlist the aid of Doug Piranha's Rent-a-Mob Service. We charge reasonable rates by hour and our mobs are extremely effective against groups that have only minimal numbers of experienced fighters as they are comprised of folks of dubious origins what won't be missed.

For more information or to place an order, send an owl to our address listed below. Or, for our no-questions-asked service, sneak in through the back window of that same address when no one's looking.

We hope you choose Rent-a-Mob for all your political or social insurgences.

-Doug Piranha

Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully. Yes, there was a chance for him to get back what was his. It would mean doing something morally questionable, but it was all for the Greater Good, after all.

Ron and Ginny were both of a similar mind, not a particularly smart one but of one mind nonetheless. They both wanted someone and were willing to even work together to achieve their goals. As has probably been made clear at this point, Ron wanted Hermione and Ginny wanted Harry; that neither one reciprocated those feelings was of no consequence to the two redheads. What they wanted, they were prepared to get.

"Ugh, nothing's worked so far, Ron," Ginny complained as they plotted their schemes.

"I know, I don't get why Hermione would choose Harry over me," Ron agreed.

Ginny was tempted to tell Ron that it was pretty damn obvious why, but held back as she still needed her brother as an ally.

"Love potions have not only failed, but now if we use them we could get arrested," she continued. "And even if they weren't, mum's still in prison and can't make any for us."

"Maybe we're just going about it the wrong way?"

"Ron, you're right! As hard to believe as that is. We need to take a more active approach! Find a way to get what we want by force! Now, how do we do that?"

Ron shrugged and picked up a conveniently-placed newspaper. As Ginny paced about the room, she caught sight of one of the advertisements.

Doug Piranha's Hourly Rent-a-Mob Service

A sinister smirk spread over Ginny's face and she drummed her fingers together.

"Excellent," she muttered.

"What? What's excellent?" said Ron. "Do you have a plan? Ginny, I'm not a mind-reader."

It was a warm summer afternoon when everyone headed down to Hogsmeade the weekend before the end of the school year. As was his custom for that particular time of year, Harry was relentlessly on his guard for any strange and potentially dangerous things as experience had taught him that Halloween and the end of the school year always have some sudden, sometimes life-threatening occurrences. So, despite the much more promising circumstances caused but his changes to the time stream, Harry was still wary as he and his girlfriends made their way down to the village for their scheduled group date.

"…so, I was thinking of studying abroad after graduation," said Tracey. "It's something of a tradition to take a bit of time to see the world once you're out of school and –Harry, are you listening?"

"Uh, yeah, Tracey, studying abroad sounds cool," he replied. "I'm sorry, I just can't shake the feeling like something's going to happen and I know it won't happen until I let my guard down and that's why I can't let my guard down, do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, Harry," Hermione said simply. "We've been with you long enough to know exactly what you mean by that."

"I'm not nervous," said Luna brightly. "I know everything's going to be fine. What's going to happen won't happen for a couple of hours, so we have plenty of time to buy candy."

"I thought you said you were going on a diet?" said Susan.

"I am. A candy diet. They've got plenty of sugar-free sugar at Honeyduke's. All the hyperactivity-inducing qualities of normal sugar with no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind."

"I don't know whether to find this cute or terrifying," Daphne muttered.

And so the group went about their business, enjoying their free time now that exams were over. They were in the middle of their very enjoyable lunch when the first sign that something was going to go horribly wrong made itself manifest in the form of hundreds of people, all of whom looked incredibly similar and had no distinguishing features, swarming upon Hogsmeade. Harry and the girls watched it unfold from the window beside their table.

The mob seemed to be made up of two distinct halves. One half was attempting to make its way to the castle and the other was apparently searching for Harry Potter and Hermione Granger so they could take the two to Ron and Ginny Weasley.

The second sign that something was wrong was when a very small group of Death Eaters appeared, at which point pandemonium ensued. Luckily, evacuation procedures went into effect thanks to Sirius, Tonks, and the local Auror contingent, and all the students and civilians were removed from the danger zone as the three different forces began to fight each other.

Upon obtaining permission from Madam Rosmerta, Harry and the girls climbed up to the roof to get a clearer image of what was going on. From the rooftop, they were able to ascertain the different persons responsible for the debacle unfolding below as Voldemort, Dumbledore, and Ron and Ginny were also observing from the safety of neighboring rooftops.

Down below, the Death Eaters were finally and completely torn asunder by the two bloodthirsty and ravening mobs. While the two remaining forces were doing a fairly decent job of finishing each other off, Harry was getting annoyed. A curious crunching sound drew him from his thoughts and he turned to see Luna eating what looked like a cabbage…or was it a lettuce?

"Luna, is that cabbage?" he asked.

"Actually, it's a Webb's Wonder," she replied.

"Good enough," he sighed. "Might I borrow it?"

Luna smiled and handed it to him. Harry withdrew his wand and began muttering an incantation he had stumbled upon one evening while looking through his family grimoire. Though why the spell could only work on a vegetable such as cabbage or lettuce, Harry wasn't sure he wanted to know. The spell complete, he chucked the lettuce from the roof straight into the midst of the fray. The mob stopped for a few moments to stare curiously as the Webb's Wonder began ticking. Then, in an instant, the lettuce exploded, completely destroying the mobs.

Harry knew it was inevitable, the whole prophecy deal meant this had to happen. So, he grudgingly made his way back down to the street, his girlfriends following behind him. They too knew it had all come down to this final confrontation. They knew Harry, for all the changes he'd been able to make, was still bound by the prophecy that stated he would defeat the Dark Lord.

As he stepped back out into the late afternoon sunshine, he saw Voldemort advancing with a determined look. Giving a resigned sigh, Harry also proceeded, wand drawn for the expected climactic battle between good and evil.

"Expelliarmus!" Voldemort shouted, much to Harry's surprise.

Harry felt his holly and phoenix feather wand fly from his hand and disappear somewhere in the grass. It seemed Voldemort was in his gloat-first, torture-and-then-kill-later mode.

"Hah! I've got you now, Pottah," Voldemort gloated. "You can't defeat me wifout a wand!"

"Oh no, whatever shall I do?" Harry said mockingly, his voice dripping with the irony of what was about to happen. With that, Harry withdrew his backup wand, the wand which hadn't been mentioned since its first appearance in the context of the story until now.

"Relashio!"

With that, Voldemort's left arm was severed.

"Now stand down!"

"It's just a scwatch," Voldemort retorted arrogantly.

"A scratch?! Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't."

"Well, what's that, then?" Harry gestured to the severed limb.

"I've had wohse."

"You liar."

"I lost my entiah body at one point. How is that not wohse?"

"I, well-shut up! Relashio!"

Voldemort's other arm was cut off by the spell.

"Victory is mine," Harry concluded. "Well, that wraps up that-agh!"

Harry gave a grunt as Voldemort started kicking his shin.

"Fight me, Pottah!"

"Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left."

"Yes I have."

"Look!"

"It's just a flesh wound."

"I'll have your leg if you keep this up."

Voldemort just kept kicking at him. Harry lost his patience and sent a cutting curse at the Dark Lord's leg.

"Wight, I'll do you foh that!" Voldemort snarled.

"You'll what?!"

"Come heah!"

"What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loony."

"The Dark Lowd always twiumphs! Have at you!"

Harry sent a fourth cutting curse at Voldemort, leaving him an armless, legless lump on the ground.

"All wight, we'll call it a dwaw," Voldemort said, realizing he wouldn't be going anywhere. Harry, however, had had quite enough of this nonsense.

"Humorus Exiticus!"

"What the-Ah!" Voldemort hardly had time to scream as a 16-ton weight suddenly dropped on his head.

"And that's the end of that," said Harry, pocketing his wand. "Well, who's up for dinner? I'm buying."

"It's not quite over yet, Harry," said Fay, pointing to where Dumbledore was attempting to sneak off.

"I've got this one," said Susan, cracking her knuckles.

Dumbledore knew he had to get out, and fast. His plans had blown up again. Seriously, what were the odds that all three forces would attack at the same time on the same day?

Perhaps there was still time, he could rally another force and then all he had to do was…

"Good afternoon, Mr. Dumbledore," said a falsely innocent female voice from behind him.

He turned just in time to see Susan Bones grin maliciously as she blasted him in the face with a Stupefy.

Susan, meanwhile, shook her head at the unconscious old man who had caused so many problems. She soon called the Aurors over and they escorted Dumbledore away. That he would wake up a few hours later with a broken jaw in a holding cell at the Ministry was of no consequence for the time being. As far as everyone was concerned, everything was settled and life could go on without worrying about a manipulative and interfering old man with delusions of grandeur and an overzealous devotion to the Greater Good.

"Whelp, looks like everything's settled now," Harry said with a relieved sigh. "It's okay, everyone, it's all over!" he called out.

There was an eruption of cheers. People were hugging and crying and dancing in the streets at the realization that Harry Potter had once and for all resolved the Dark Lord problem.

Remus suddenly found himself tackled to the ground by Tonks, who seemed to be making it her primary objective to wrap her tongue around his uvula as she snogged him.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Sirius interrupted them and they pulled away from each other. "Just wanted to let you guys know…" He grinned and gave them two thumbs-up. "That I am completely cool with it, go right ahead."

Tonks, needing no further prompting, resumed her attempt to devour the werewolf's face.

"The only thing that would make today any better would be if the baby arrived," Sirius said, looking to his wife.

Bathsheba gave him a sideways look.

"What, you think the baby's going to come now just because it's the day that Voldemort and Dumbledore got defeated?" she said evenly. "The only thing that could make that more ridiculous would be if I was giving birth during the battle itself, like some fictional cliché. The baby will come when he or she wants to, Sirius."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, I guess since everything's all wrapped up, we should have a party or something to celebrate," Harry suggested.

"What exactly does one wear to a 'Dark Lord's Been Defeated' party?" said Daphne.

Author's Note:

Again, sorry for it being so late and sorry for it being so short, but I was feeling desperate to get it written and I've reached that point where I just want this story finished because it eats up so much time trying to think of stuff to make it work.

I promise, I'm not quite done yet. There is more and I have a pretty good idea of how I'm going to finish this off. I've got most of what happens to everyone years later written out for the absolute final chapter.