So I said I was going on vacation… But I decided that I wanted to stay at home so yay, more chapters for you! I didn't want to stay in the cold snow all week while I had to make a lot of homework and such, so I decided to just skip skiing for this year.

And I would like to tell you guys that I'm feeling tired, but not normal tired, but so tired that you actually get really hyper. So if this chapter makes less sense than usual, I blame my lack of sleep. And the typos... yeah... I really should do something about them, shouldn't I... but I'm way too lazy! Which is really bad, but yeah. Can't help it.

This is a bit of a filler-chapter. Ciel will be a bit out of character here, but hey, he hugged Clarissa in the previous chapter, which I believe he would never do in the manga or the anime, so I guess he already was out of character. But yeah, hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

I don't own Kuroshitsuji.

XxX

Chapter 45

On our way back no one really said anything. We just entered the train and sat down, but this time, Ciel sat next to me instead of across from me.

I could see the strangely amused expression on Sebastian's face as I leaned against the window. It was as if what had happened just now had satisfied him. As if he felt like his prey had proven himself to be worthy once again.

I sighed after a while and closed my eyes while trying to sleep some more, since that seemed to be the only way to keep myself calm and to keep certain thought and memories out of my head. The only problem was that the window wasn't a good pillow. It was cold and hard.

Then, suddenly, my head was grabbed and pulled on Ciel's shoulder. As I opened my eyes and looked at him frowning, I saw that he was trying to act cool while also blushing like an idiot. 'You can rest your head on my should,' he said, clearly not as certain as he tried to sound. He cleared is throat. 'If you want to.'

I gave him a small little smile. 'Thanks,' I said, closing my eyes and resting my head against his small shoulder. 'You should put on some weight, Ciel,' I said with my eyes closed.

I didn't get a response, but since I hadn't expected one, I was okay with that.

I didn't fall asleep though. I had kind of expected that, since I'd never been able to sleep while on public transport, so this time was no exception. But seeming to be asleep did have some profit this time, because after a while, Ciel and Sebastian decided that I was asleep and began a conversation that I wasn't meant to hear.

'The reaper saved her,' Ciel said, not too loud so that he wouldn't wake me up. 'I never thought a figure like him would go that far.'

I could hear the smile on Sebastian's voice as he said: 'I quite agree with that, but I must say that I believe that she might be the only one of her kind. And quite possibly the first.'

'What does that mean?' Ciel asked. 'And of what kind is she, exactly?'

Sebastian waited a while before answering. 'I believe I've said this before, but at least she has some strength only an angel could have. But that's the strange this. An angel would be able to purify with her voice and touch, but unintentionally. She seems to be so powerful that she's able to purify even though she's not trying to do so. I've never seen that before in my life.'

Ciel waited while and I felt his body shift as he crossed his legs. 'And the DNA-tests didn't give you anything either?'

DNA-tests? What the hell? They could have asked me that, couldn't they?

'Not much except the obvious fact that her mother figure nor her father figure were her biological parents,' Sebastian answered. Then he sighed. 'It seems we will be arriving shortly. You better wake the young lady up.'

'Hmmm,' Ciel said and I could almost feel his eyes on my face. 'You could also carry her, you know.'

Yeah, no. That wasn't going to happen. I waited for a solid minute before opening my eyes as if I was waking up. 'Hmmm,' I said sleepy. 'Are we almost there?' I then asked while slowly sitting straight, rubbing my eyes.

'Indeed we are,' Ciel answered, looking at me and then looking away. 'You have an imprint in your cheek.'

I put my hand against my cheek and sighed. 'An imprint of your shoulder, I suppose.'

And even though Ciel wasn't looking at me, the fact that his ears turned pink was proof enough that Earl Ciel Phantomhive was blushing.

XxX

I managed to keep myself in check the remaining of the day. Then Ciel retired for the night and I went to my room as well, feeling tired but not as tired as I should feel. Not tired enough to fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. I lay in the darkness of my room, staring at nothing trying to fall asleep.

And that was when it started.

I wasn't sure if I was asleep or not, but it didn't matter. I was trapped in my own mind and memories and other thoughts that I didn't want to hear or see appeared, trapping me into a place that was worse than any nightmare I'd ever had.

And in the middle of the blood and despair was that little boy. Ciel. I had to get to Ciel. But my hand reached out towards nothing, because Ciel already reached out of the demons hand. Too late. Always too late. In every sense of the word. Too. Late.

That didn't stop me from reaching my hand towards the child that I wanted to reach, a child that had grown up before I knew it. A child that seemed to be older in soul than in body and was so cold and warm at the same time that I wished I could just read his mind.

And then the boy looked at me and I saw the eyes. But one wasn't blue anymore. Blood dripped down his cheek as I saw the seal in his eye and I started to scream, trying to reach for him while the fire and blood tried to take me away from me.

But then I noticed that it wasn't the fire nor the blood. All the children from the cellar were holding onto me, pushing me down as they dragged me towards the end they all had to go through. And the only think that the children's hands hadn't dragged down was my hand, still reaching out for the light as the darkness took me away.

And then someone grabbed my hand and the remaining light was gone. It was dark now and I noticed I was back in my room, breathing as if I just ran a marathon. The hand that held mine was smaller than I'd expected and much, much gentler. As I looked at the person that was sitting on the side of my bed, I looked straight into one blue eye.

'Ciel?' I said and I cringed as I heard how awful my voice sounded.

Ciel blushed and released my hand. He put on the light on my nightstand and even though it was a weak and small light, the whole room was lighter now, and I could breathe easier. 'Don't imagine things,' Ciel then said, 'I just heard you scream and thought it was annoying, so I came to shut you up.'

I tried not to smile. I knew quite certain that I hadn't screamed out loud and I was also certain that he wouldn't have been able to hear me scream all the way from his room. And if what he was saying was true, then he would've send Sebastian. I was quite happy that he hadn't, though. I didn't want to know which tactics Sebastian would've used to shut me up.

'Go back to sleep, Clarissa,' Ciel said, almost unfriendly, 'you need all the rest you can get.'

I sighed, feeling a strange sort for fear. 'I don't want to close my eyes again,' I told him. 'Can't we used stay up all night and watch Doctor Who or something.'

'What?' Ciel asked, clearly having no idea what I was talking about.

That made me laugh, but it sounded forced and sad. 'You are a fifteen year old earl who owns a really big company that makes all sorts of stuff – but specialises in toys, yet you surprisingly know nothing about one of the most popular British television series of all time? Typical. Really. You should do some research.'

Ciel sighed, clearly not willing to talk about matters like this right now. Or probably ever. And especially not with me. 'Just go to sleep, Clarissa. I'll stay here until you're asleep,' he said. Then he added, a touch softer and gentler: 'It helps.'

It didn't take long for me to guess what he meant by that. 'Sebastian stays by your side whenever you have a nightmare?' I guessed.

He didn't answer. But the fact that he didn't was answer enough for me.

Then my brains started to work again and I worked more out. 'You were aware of the fact that I was going to get nightmares, or at least that the possibility was there. You were kind enough to come and check, yet you didn't send Sebastian. You are trying to keep Sebastian away from me, aren't you?' Okay, so maybe I was just saying this so he wouldn't force me to go to sleep, but I have to admit I was mildly curious about this. Ciel never seemed to have a problem with Sebastian being around me before. This was a strange change. Especially considering that Ciel always retired early and slept early, because his work always started early in the morning.

When Ciel didn't answer, I gave up. For course he would ignore me. Hell, he wasn't even looking at me.

But then he turned to me, his face wasn't red as I thought it would be when he said: 'It seems to me that Sebastian is harming you in a way that I cannot foresee, so I reasoned that I should just minimalize the situation in which you two are alone. This being one of those.' He talked so business-like and serious that it actually took a while for me to hear what he was saying. He didn't want Sebastian to harm me. That was like saying that he cared for me.

But then he put his cold mask back on and mumbled: 'Not like I care for you or anything, I just want to follow the Queen's orders.'

'Sure you are,' I said mockingly. 'I bet that was what you were thinking when you blew that whole—'

His hand covered my face and I noticed that, even though he was still dressed in his normal – well, depends on what you call 'normal' – clothes, he wasn't wearing his black gloves. But maybe he only wore those when he went outside. Yeah, that was probably it. 'Don't talk about such matters. It's bothersome,' Ciel told me before removing his hand, almost as if he'd burned himself.

Then I yawned and even though I tried to hide it, Ciel saw it.

'See?' he said. 'You're obviously tired. You should just go to sleep, Clarissa. I promise that no harm will come to you while sleeping.'

But I didn't want to close my eyes. Because I would be all alone in the dark if I closed them, whether Ciel was sitting next to me or not.

So I held my hand up, blushing more than I ever had in front of Ciel as he looked at me with question marks in his eye. 'Can you hold my hand… until I fall asleep? I won't feel alone that way,' I admitted, feeling ashamed.

I wasn't sure how he would react. Wasn't sure where Ciel drew his line. But then he grabbed my hand. I was happy that he didn't say anything about it, making this situation less embarrassing.

Ciel's hand was cold and felt so soft. How was it possible for skin to be this soft? Sebastian had soft skin, too, but it was different. This felt like a child's hand, while Sebastian's hand clearly was a man's hand. Or a demon's hand, but you know what I mean.

As I drifted off to sleep, I felt that I wanted to say something to Ciel, but I wasn't sure if I managed to make myself understandable. 'Ciel,' I murmured, so soft and sleepy that I wasn't even sure if I'd said it out loud or not. 'You should know… that… I was there… that day you made the contract. I… I was there.'

XxX

When I woke up Ciel was gone. Of course he was gone. But I couldn't help but feel lonely when I saw that he hadn't stayed by myself. I kind of hated myself for it. Really, was I getting this selfish?

I went to my bathroom and showered for way too long, which made me think about the amount of money Ciel had to spend on me. I really was unconsidered. But it wasn't like I had any money, so I couldn't really pay him back. And I surely as hell wouldn't ask Ash for money. That guy was still really suspicious.

When I walked out of the bathroom wearing only a towel I was surprised to see Sebastian standing in my room.

Normally I would have screamed, or blushed or whatever. But I noticed that I didn't care. It wasn't like Sebastian wanted to see any of what was exposed right now. And it wasn't like that much was exposed anyway.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes when he noticed my lack of reaction. He didn't say anything about it though. 'I was just cleaning up your bedroom. Please, don't mind me.'

That made me throw my intentions to handle Sebastian professionally out of the window. I rolled my eyes. 'Oh, please. You know I can't do that. No offense, buddy, but you aren't a really subtle existence.' No, wait. That wasn't quite right. 'Not for in my world, anyhow. Asking me not to mind you is like asking a pilot not the mind his freaking airplane. Kind of impossible and above all, pretty damn stupid.'

Sebastian actually looked quite surprised that I said this. Which made me wonder how he thought if me. Did he think I was just an annoyance? Did he see me as one of those millions teenage girls? Or did he see me as a mere human and nothing more? He smiled as he opened the curtains and let the room bathe in natural light. 'Seeing as, in your comparison, you're the pilot and I'm the airplane… Does that mean that you can control me, if you get the right training?'

I sighed as I opened my closet, trying to find something to wear. 'Maybe. I don't know. I wish I could. It would make living here a lot less complicated if you was able to control you.'

Then Sebastian said the most ridiculous thing ever. 'Well, then why don't you just form a contract with me?'

I looked around and just stared and him. I couldn't believe he just said that. I turned back to my closet as I said: 'You must be really stupid or really dumb to think I would ever form a contract with you. What, was that your plan? To annoy the crap out of me so that I would make a contract with you, just to shut you up? That's just stupid, Seb.' I grabbed jeans and a blue hoodie and decided that that was sexy enough for today. It wasn't like I wanted to look pretty for anyone.

Sebastian didn't answer and I wasn't sure how I should interpreted that silence he created.

Then he was suddenly behind me, holding my towel on its place with his hands as he whispered in my ear: 'You may think it's stupid, but know that until a contract between us is formed, you will never be the pilot.' His hands tightened around me. 'And as long as you're not the pilot, you cannot tell me when our last kiss will be. That for me so decide.'

Then he was gone.

And then I realised that Ciel had said that he wanted to prevent situations like this. Great job, Ciel, I thought sarcastically. Great job.

XxX

One of the many benefits of Ciel's new plan to keep me away from Sebastian as much as possible was that he actually took me to his meetings. I was allowed to sit in the corning of the room. I had decided to listen to what they were saying, but I quickly discovered that that was more boring than school, so I played games on my phone until Ciel announced that the meeting was over.

As everyone left the room except Ciel, I decided to remain seated until Ciel would tell me to stand. Which he didn't. But I decided to not look up to him, trying to avoid embarrassing or awkward moments.

'We're going home,' Ciel then announced and I looked up to see him standing above me, finally quite a bit longer then I was. Even though Ciel was still growing, he was still the same height as me. And I wasn't going to lie, because of that, he looked really young.

I put my phone away and shot out of my chair, not thinking about the fact that Ciel was still standing pretty close to my chair. Our faced were way too close that moment and our noses almost touched each other.

Lucky enough Ciel pulled away before that situation could get more awkward, but I felt myself blush and knew even without looking that Ciel was blushing too.

'Let's go home,' Ciel said after clearing his throat, letting his assistant – a blond boy with a skull-shirt on, not really fitted for work – carry his bag for him after his assistant handed him his walking stick.

'I'm glad to see you at least use your walking stick now,' I told Ciel as we walked through the big corridors towards the elevator. 'You should take care of yourself. Eat more vegetables. Eat more in general.'

'You're not my mother,' Ciel said, clearly more annoyed than normally.

'No, I'm not,' I admitted, 'but I am your friend and as I friend, I am going to worry about you. Do you think that's strange?'

'Friend…' he repeated, but it didn't have that slight tone of disgust in it as his voice usually had when he said that word.

'Yes, friend,' I said mockingly. 'You know, people you like to hang out with and talk to… without paying them.' I added as I thought about Sebastian and Ciel's relationship. I wished someone would write a book about that. Their relationship must be pretty complicated. I wish I'd understand, but I really didn't. Did Sebastian care about Ciel or did he rather enjoy his master's pain? Did Ciel care about Sebastian or did he hate that demon with all his might? I didn't know. I didn't know anything. Not about Ciel, not about Sebastian. Not about anyone.

'Ciel… can you tell me something about yourself?' I asked him while we stepped inside an elevator that went down.

Ciel looked really surprised. Well, I guess my question did come from out of nowhere. 'What do you mean?'

'Well, you know all about my family and my likes and dislikes'—at least, it thought so, since I always spoke so much—'but I know almost nothing about you. So, tell me something about yourself.'

Ciel wasn't sure what I'd meant and that was quite clear. I was happy though that he at least answered me. 'Well, I had a dog when I was young,' he told me, surprising me. 'He was called Sebastian. He's the reason I named Sebastian 'Sebastian'.'

Somehow I managed to understand what he was saying, even though the big amount of 'Sebastian' in his words made it kind of confusing. 'So Sebastian is named after a dog?' I asked as the door of the elevator opened.

'Yes, he is,' Ciel answered as we walked through the gigantic entrance hall of the massive building, to the exit where Sebastian was waiting for us with a car.

I laughed a small laugh. 'If only you had told me that sooner. So many jokes I could've made.' But now I wasn't going to. I wasn't going to give Sebastian another reason to show how serious he'd meant his word from this morning.

As I stepped inside the limousine, his words rang in my head. You may think it's stupid, but know that until a contract between us is formed, you will never be the pilot. And as long as you're not the pilot, you cannot tell me when our last kiss will be. That for me so decide.

Yeah, I have to admit, Sebastian. You are kind of right. Because I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be able to resist him if he kissed me. Not only because he was Sebastian, the great and perfect demon butler who could seduce anyway. But also because I loved the mystery around him, loved his demonic side, loved the fact that his way of thinking seemed to be completely different than that of everyone else. I loved how he could smile sincere in those rare moments. I loved how he – sometimes – looked at his master with sincere worry. I loved how he held me, as if his arms were made to hold me and how he kissed me, as if I was the only one he was meant to kiss…

'Are you okay, Clarissa?' Ciel then asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. 'You seem to be somewhere else with your mind.'

I blushed. 'I-I'm fine,' I told him. 'I was just… daydreaming…' But then I looked at the mirror in front of the limousine and saw that Sebastian was looking at me. And the way he looked told me that he'd guessed what I'd been thinking about.

I looked out of the window, avoiding Ciel and Sebastian's eyes as I tried to pretend that this whole thing never happened. Tried to pretend as if I hadn't just admitted again that I honest to god really loved that sadistic, demonic idiot.

XxX

End of the chapter! This one was a bit short, my apologies, but filler chapters are short. I can't do anything about that. I will probably update tomorrow as well, since I have nothing better to do. Except homework, but to hell with homework XD

trepidon: yeah, you probably read this replies a bit too late, but I'm just saying thanks!

Lady Mary Michaelis: thanks! And I won't say anything about whether you're wrong or right just yet (because spoilers), but whether it's the right guess or not, it's a good guess.

Guest: Aww, thanks! No matter how many times I hear that people like to read my story, I can never get enough of it! Mostly because I'm not confident at all, but also because it's my first fanfiction, so thanks for the support!

Aizawa Maiko: yeah, I like the Ciel and Clarissa bond, too! I sometimes wish Sebastian wasn't there just so those two could just have adventures on their own XD That would be a completely different show all together, though. But I would still watch it.

SilverMoonFairie: yeah, as Sebastian said this chapter: he gets to say when their last kiss will be. And I don't think that was their last one XD And even though I won't confirm whether you're right or not about what she is… I will say that she, indeed, she has a connection with reapers and angels.

promocat: which is kind of understandable. I mean, she is the first girl who isn't his childhood friend who talks to him and cares for him, so yeah, that might be kind of the case indeed.