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Chapter 18 – The Escape
Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie
So cruel, U2
Killian woke up to a terrible headache and the ghost of a hangover, painful reminders of why he'd cut down the rum in the first place after leaving Storybrooke. He groaned as he got up from his bed and got dressed. He grabbed his coffee and headed to the station. Last night had been a revelation and he knew exactly what he had to do.
He found Mac already sitting on his desk.
"Bad hangover?" Mac asked him.
"Awful." Killian replied. "Can I talk to you in private?" He headed to the office nearby and Mac followed him, closing the door.
"What is it?" Mac asked intrigued.
"Do you remember the girl Laura wanted to set me up with?" Killian asked and Mac nodded, a little confused. "Do you still have her number?"
"What? You want her number?" Mac asked surprised.
"Yes." Killian replied shortly.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why? To ask her out on a date, of course." Killian looked at Mac with innocent eyes.
"Killian what the hell are you trying to do?"
"What do you mean what I'm trying to do? Going out. You are the one that keeps telling me I have to date again…" Killian stated matter-of-factly.
"And your first choice is a strange girl you've never met and that I have been trying to set you up for weeks and you've just refused over and over?" Mac was starting to get really pissed off.
"What other choices you suggest I have?" Killian said trying to play the innocent part.
Mac lifted his arms in frustration and pointed to the glass door in the office, directly to Emma who'd just walked in and was talking animatedly with one of the officers outside.
"Killian, mate, we share a locker room. Do you want me to pretend I never saw your shoulder tattoo? Or play dumb to the fact that is a swan? Why would you even want to go out on a date with someone else? She's standing right there. Ask her out."
"That won't bloody happen, Mac. I've told you. This is strictly professional." Killian sneered. "Now, are you going to give me that phone number or not?"
"I will not. Ask Emma out, Killian." Mac said as he turned around and started to open the door. "You'll thank me on-" His words were cut off when Killian forcefully closed the door, facing him with anger and pain in his eyes.
"No, I will bloody not, Mac. I've been on this path before, mate. This can and will end badly. For me." Killian sighed and walk around the office like a caged animal. When he finally stood up and faced his partner, he was a complete wreck.
"She's never going to love me, mate. She didn't three years ago and she won't love me now. We'd finish this case and she'd put all her walls back up, give me magnificent excuse and run away."
Mac looked at him with sadness and empathy. Killian sighed and run his head through his hair.
"I can't do this again. She'll break my heart once more and I won't be able to pick the pieces like I did last time."
"You don't know that, mate. It might be different this time." Mac tried to offer his partner hope.
"I don't have the strength to find out…" Killian admitted.
"I never pictured you as a coward, mate."
A man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets…. But you fought for her. And you lost.
Killian smiled sadly, "There's a difference between cowardice and self preservation, Mac." He looked at Mac intently, "Now, are you going to get me that phone number or should I call Laura myself?"
Mac sighed, realizing he was not going to change Killian's mind. "I think you're making a terrible mistake, Killian. But it's yours to make. I'll call Laura and get that number for you."
Killian left the office, hastily grabbed his jacket and headed to the door, trying to avoid Emma.
She approached him anyway, a small hopeful smile in her eyes, "Hey, Killian."
"Can't talk now, love. I've got business to attend." He replied shortly and left the station.
/-/
He found Emma waiting for him when he got back, and he sighed deeply.
"Hey," She greeted him smiling.
"Hello, Swan. I thought you'd left by now." He said as he headed towards his desk.
"I was waiting for you." She said and he looked at her confused for a moment.
"Is everything alright?" He asked concerned.
"Yes, everything is ok. I was just wondering…" She trailed off, nervous. "Do you want to go get a drink?" She asked looking shyly at him with her beautiful green eyes.
Bloody hell.
"Sorry, can't do it tonight, Swan, I have a date." He smiled falsely at her.
"A date?!" She choked on the words.
"Yes, an evening out with a fair lass. You know how these things work, right?" He replied nonchalantly, his smug pirate mask up again, not letting her see anything else.
"I thought you weren't dating." She said in a disapproving tone.
"Why wouldn't I? I'm quite the catch, apparently." He smirked at her, raising his eyebrows and biting his lower lip. "Besides, you don't expect me to be alone, do you? I have certain needs…"
"Needs?" She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"You don't have needs, Swan? Are you telling me you've been celibate these three years?" He asked her in a reproaching tone, his eyes surveying her.
"That's none of your business." She deflected.
"Neither is my love life and whether or not I go out on a date." He pointed out to her in a demanding tone.
"Well, sorry to waste your time. Have fun on your date." She replied angrily as she stood up to leave. You lost him.
"Oh, I will. And so will she. I'll make sure of it." He finished almost to himself.
He didn't have fun. He couldn't get Emma out of his thoughts for the entire evening. Even when he kissed that poor girl in a desperate attempt to forget Emma, his thoughts took him directly to her lips on his in Neverland. Her lips on his only a few weeks ago in his apartment. His mind was full with thoughts of her. So he apologized, faced the ugly truth of being a terrible date and left.
He walked back to his car so lost in his thoughts of Emma that he didn't realize the dark figure that followed him throughout the night.