Episode 11-Jason vs. Jason X
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"Well this is just dandy." Freddy muttered as he lay strapped to some kind of lab table and a finely tipped scalpel protruded from Michael Myers' eye socket. Jason, on the other hand, was nowhere to be seen and surprisingly it was a big gap in the household. Ghostface was at a loss for words.
Finally he sighed and shrugged his shoulders the best he could, which wasn't much because he too was strapped to heavy metal table. "Yep. What's new?"
Freddy looked up at the ceiling. "How did this even happen?"
"Don't you remember? It all started when Voorhees answered a door..."
"And now we're science experiments? And Jason has probably been ripped to pieces by now." he sighed and lowered his head. "Damn. I never expected this when I moved in. I thought that it might even be...boring."
Ghostface laughed. "Well it certainly isn't boring. But I still can't believe what happened this time. When Jason answered that door, we just all thought it was real peachy but...
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A DAY EARLIER...
It definitely wasn't peachy. It had been a boring day, much like any other, the most interesting thing being when Freddy and Ghostface began fighting over the remote. Ghostface finally relinquished his hold on the remote when Freddy threatened to make sure that he never slept again.
"That's more like it..." Freddy muttered as he flipped it to VH1 and watched a replay of when Flavor of Love contestant 'Pumkin' spat at another contestant, 'New York'. The standard of American T.V. Is overwhelming, isn't it?
Michael rolled his eyes. This reality shit is so stupid. I remember when I was still running around killing these skanks-
"Myers! Language!" Ghostface warned as he munched on some potato chips, "We don't use the word 'skank' in this house...apartment. We use the term skank whore. Jeez...can you believe how bad that reality shit is? I can't believe the values that it's teaching America!"
Jason scoffed. Ghostface Korea has been trying to launch a nuclear bomb at us for years and your biggest concern is the television?
"Okay, Voorhees. It's apparent that your just a free thinking, mind blowing hippie protester, aren't you? Flower power all the way, right? Well that's all fine and dandy but I won't give. T.V. Is what's making all the little girls of the world prostitutes and-
Jason: Do you even realize how ignorant your sounding right now?
Michael and Freddy stared at each other. Hey how about you turn that shit off the T.V. Kruger? Michael wrote. Freddy shook his head deviously.
"Hell no Myers. I smell a cat fight coming."
Jason: I really don't think that girl hookers matter much now anyway. If you wanna be a hooker, you wanna be a hooker. Besides, Kruger likes little girl hookers...
Freddy's head shot in his direction. "I resent that remark! For the last god damned time, I don't like having sex with little children, okay?"
Jason smiled cleverly beneath his mask. I didn't say 'little children', I said little girls.
"Oh fuck you to hell, Voorhees-"
I've already been, thanks for bringing up those lovely memories.
Michael sighed. "Can't we all just shut up and get along for once?"
Ghostface jumped on his comment. "So now Myers is a hippie?"
No I'm not, I-
"You sure as hell smell like one."
Freddy laughed. "Oh...low blow fuck face. Especially considering how your...what was it, three?"
Jason: Yep, definitely three movies of inconsistent slop.
"Yeah. Three movies didn't have a plot. No wonder why no one's tried to remake Scream."
"Shut up, you watered-down child molesting idiot. They did have plots, they just had different plots that no one could understand-they were genius!" Ghostface said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
Michael shook his head. Yeah right up there with Einstein, right? There's the theory of relativity and then Scream.
"Shut up! I-" just as Ghostface was about to say something really nasty, there was a knock on the door. They all stared at each other, all secretly fearing the same thing; they had put up with pinheads, dancing clowns, insane doctors and even some pissed off Asian girl...
"Jason's the strongest. He should answer it." Freddy piped up. Jason glared at him but shrugged like it was nothing.
He didn't move quickly, in fact he moved like even he was afraid. As he opened the door it was like he was standing in a mirror; the visitor had a hockey mask, although it was a bit more...futuristic? Was that the word? Freddy didn't know...he never had been good with words and whatnot, which was the exact reason he had failed 1st grade English.
The futuristic Jason shoved a note at the plain old Jason. I'm Jason X.
The regular Jason glared at him. Yeah, so? What's the bid deal?
I'm your replacement.
Jason just stood there looking wide eyed as Jason X pushed past him and looked around the small apartment. He stood there for a minute, staring at the entire room with a look of disgust under his mask. This is it? Pitiful...
"Well it ain't exactly supposed to be fancy, you know? We just sort of sit here until we just...go away." Ghostface said as he surveyed the new Jason up and down.
In fact, they were all staring at him. Regular Jason was almost seven feet of hulking murder, but Jason X was at least a foot taller and much more muscular. Almost like the ultimate, unkillable killer-an unkillable killer, like the kind that didn't have sequels because they could never die to begin with. He glared at all of them.
Jason X: So...what do you do here?
Michael shrugged. Watch T.V. Mostly. You'll find out about the other stuff later. That can be sort of like your initiation-
Jason shook his head and pushed past Jason X. Nu-uh. He is not staying with us, there's no way.
Freddy laughed wickedly. "What's wrong Voorhees? Not up for the competition?" Ghostface laughed too, wanting to join in the conversation.
"Ha! Voorhees can't handle it..."
I can too handle it. I can-
Jason X went up to his twin and glared down at him. Jason swallowed as he stared up at the hulking giant. Go ahead motherfucker. Jason X wrote on a piece of paper. Handle me.
Michael perked up his head slightly and reached for his knife. Hey, hey. Why don't we all just calm down?
Jason X turned to him. Shut the fuck up you idiot. And this place is already small enough-how can you all live here at once?
"We don't," Ghostface said as he watched the scene unfolding before him with eagerness, "we're all sort of dead inside."
He shrugged and pushed Jason roughly away. Too bad. You'll have to get outside. On the balcony. Now.
Freddy jumped up. "Nu-uh. There's no way that we're moving out."
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"Well this sucks." Ghostface said as he looked inside at Jason X who sat there watching T.V.
Freddy sighed. "You wanna go tell him to get out?"
All of them stared at him and shook their heads. Michael cleaned his fingernails out with his knife as he stretched out his legs. It's not all that bad.
Jason glared at him. It's not all bad for you because your legs are taking up the whole fucking balcony!
He shrugged passively. I have long legs.
Jason: I'm the tallest one!
"Not anymore. I think that Jason X could just about outdo all of us." Ghostface said as he looked over the balcony at San Antonio's many lights. "But it's not really all bad."
"Oh yeah, sure," Freddy said with a look of scorn, "another, even gayer version of Jason is waltzing around in my apartment, Michael's feet are in my face, you smell like rotten hell and Jason is still alive...things are really 'not that bad'."
Michael rolled his eyes. I have long legs, okay? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Hack them off?
Jason gazed at him. Wait, wait. I'm sorry, I forgot. You were completely fucked up when Jigsaw trapped us, right? Or did you already forget-
"Yeah, yeah! You lost a foot, we get it already Voorhees. Let it go!" Ghostace said exasperatedly as he looked up at the night sky.
Oh yeah. How rude of me to dote on a lost motherfucking foot, asshole. You couldn't even handle seeing me hack Myers open!
Michael: Who could? I didn't see you looking so spry when you hacked me open either, Voorhees.
Freddy sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. Inside the apartment Jason X was staring of the glass balcony doors with a look of amusement in his eyes. Unable to take anymore of the useless arguing he yelled above all of them, "Shut the fuck up! It doesn't even matter anymore! Jason resewed his foot anyway, Myers got his stomach stitched up and Ghostface and me got out alive. What does it matter?"
They all stared at each other for another second. Jason X opened the balcony doors, stuck his head out of the apartment and tossed them some blankets and a pillow. There. Now do me a favor and shut the fuck up.
Jason, who hated Jason X, glared up at him and rose to his feet. Or what, motherfucker?
Jason X smiled down at him and patted him on his bald head. That's cute. But why don't you be a good little mamma's boy and sit your ass down?
I am not a mamma's boy you asshole. They all laughed at this. Jason glared at them. What's so funny? I'm not!
"Oh yeah sure, hockey puck. What was the entire reason that you and Kruger got in your first cat fight?"
Michael: It was because you thought that mommy dearest told you to-
Jason: I remember the god damned reason. And what's wrong with someone loving their mother?
Freddy laughed again and shook his head. "Everything! God damn...if that's your only reason for killing...for being alive-"
Jason X rolled his eyes. So do you all like...always fight like this, or what?
Ghostface shrugged. "Nope. This is pretty much how it is all the time. I told you that we're dead inside."
Michael nodded. Yeah. Most people don't take him seriously when he tells them that but we're pretty much just all waiting for something to finally snuff us out one day.
Wow, Jason X wrote, That's pretty heavy.
"Yep. It's pretty much just how we rollllll..." Freddy said lazily as he smacked his lips and his mind wondered. Then his head snapped up just as he began to fall asleep. "Why are you out here again?"
Jason X shrugged and threw a note at him as he retreated back into the apartment; No reason. Just wanted you to all shut up and get along.
Freddy smiled and threw the note over the edge of the balcony. "Impossible." he whispered just as everyone began to nod off, "Just impossible."
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That night was a long one. Michael's feet were in pretty much everyone's face, another fight broke out and Ghostface nearly got thrown off the balcony by Freddy...but in the morning everyone was good and tired so no one really had the energy to argue.
Jason X slammed the balcony door open and threw a box of Cheeriosin Freddy's arms then went back inside. Freddy jumped and looked at the box of cereal. "Wha...what's this?"
"Cheerios dumb ass. Now give me some." Ghostface said as he held out his gloved hand. Freddy shook his head.
"Hell no."
"But why not?"
"Because you just called me a dumb ass!"
Jason opened his eyes and scratched his head then he gazed drowsily over to Ghostface and Freddy. What's wrong?
Ghostface looked pointed at Freddy and cried in an exceedingly whiny voice, "He won't share his Cheerios!"
Freddy scoffed. "Yeah because he called me a dumb ass!"
Jason shrugged and passed them a note. So? You are an dumb ass.
Michael, who had been woken up by all the yelling, looked deadly as he snatched the Cheerios away from Freddy and began to devour them himself, eating by the handful. Freddy and Ghostface looked horrified. Ghostface lunged at Michael, nearly sending him sprawling over the edge of the balcony. Freddy turned to Jason.
"You'd better go in there right now and fix this Voorhees! We can't live like this!"
Jason glared at him. Or what?
"Or I'll make sure that you wake up down in the alley with a broken back." Freddy said and he motioned to the edge of the balcony.
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Jason sighed and wretched open the balcony doors. Jason X whirled his head around and dropped his bowl of Cocoa Puffs. He glared at Jason and they communicated silently. What the fuck do you think you're doing?
I really don't know...I think that I'm evicting you.
Oh really?
Yep. So would you mind getting out?
Jason X gave him a comical look. No.
Please?
He shrugged. Nope. Sorry asshole. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh, Jason thought as he began to back away towards the balcony doors. That's fine then...I'll just leave-
Not so fast. I've just about had enough of you. It's time to end it.
Jason swallowed and distractedly put his hand on his machete that was strapped to his belt. End what? There's nothing to end.
Jason X scoffed and rolled his eyes. Then he got up and drew out his machete. His was at least twice as big as regular Jason's. I'm gonna end you-
But if you end me then who will be Jason?
What?
Jason was just thinking on his feet now, trying anything to avoid a fight with his bigger, stronger and just all around better twin. I am you and you are me so if you kill me, who is yourself, then how will you live if I am just an earlier version of you? I could survive killing you because you technically are the future me, but I'm the past you so if you killed me you would be killing your...past? Wait...let me think...
Jason X sighed and rested his giant machete on his shoulders. That doesn't even make sense and you know it.
Jason shrugged. It was worth a try.
Just how stupid do you think that I am?
Don't you mean how stupid do I think that myself is? Jason asked. He was beginning to get a headache. Jason X glared at him and raised his machete. Regular Jason gasped and raised his own but it shattered as Jason X's hit it.
Ah shit! Jason thought as he hurriedly tried to open the balcony doors. On the outside Freddy, Ghostface and Michael watched him with eagerness as he pounded on the glass. Open the doors!
Freddy shook his head and stared delightedly as Jason X picked up Jason and threw him into the glass doors, making them give way and shatter. "Oh shit," Freddy commented as they all watched Jason plummet over the edge, "maybe this wasn't such a hot idea..."
"You think?" Ghostface asked as he took pictures with his phone. Jason X pushed past them and looked over the edge of the balcony.
He reseated his machete and jumped over the edge as well, except he landed on his feet. Jason looked up at his twin and sighed. Delightful.
Jason X picked him up and slammed him against the brick outside of Wimbleton Apartment and retrieved his machete. Pressing it to Jason's throat he slid it across and then watched as Jason began to gag and grip his throat. He dropped him to the ground and kicked him.
Jason gasped out breaths as he tried to controll his breathing but he could only watch as Jason X lifted his machete high in the air. With one last exertion of energy, he brought it down, skewering regular Jason right through the abdomen. Jason shuttered and closed his eyes as he felt his air leave him.
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Up on the balcony Freddy, Ghostface, and Michael were leaning over the edge and trying to get a good idea of what was happening six stories below.
"Oh shit man..." Freddy said as he watched Jason X yank his machete out of regular Jason, "I think that I just killed Jason Voorhees!"
Ghostface shrugged. "I bet he's not dead...he can't be dead...he'll be getting up any second...any second now..." but Jason didn't get up. He didn't even move as Jason X dumped his lifeless body into one of the dumpsters.
Michael hit Freddy upside the head. "Ow! What'd I do?"
You asshole! You killed him!
Freddy shook his head slowly and watched as Jason X retrieved his machete, reseathed it for the last time and walked around the corner. He carefully replaced his top hat atop his head. "But I...didn't mean to? Hell no! I was supposed to kill that bastard! God damn it!"
"Well he's not coming out of that dumpster. I say we give him till Thursday-that's when the trash gets picked up." Ghostface muttered as he pressed some buttons on his phone. "After that he's dead to me."
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PRESENT TIME...
"Oh yeah! Now I remember! Yeah...that sucks." Freddy muttered as he tried to cut the straps that bound him to the metal table. "I wanted to kill that-"
"Yeah, yeah Kruger. We know. You 'wanted to kill that bastard'. That's all you've been saying since he got killed."
"He's not dead. If I couldn't kill him-and trust me, I tried everything- he ain't dead."
Ghostface rolled his eyes under his mask. "Yeah but-"
Suddenly the door in the kitchen opened and Jason stepped through the door looking dazed and confused but very much alive. He put a finger over his lips and motioned for them to be quiet. Slowly and silently he made his way over to them and cut the straps with what was left of his machete.
Freddy dusted himself off and resentfully said, "Yeah, yeah. Thanks I-look behind you Voorhees!"
Just as Jason turned his head, Jason X punched him right in the mouth. Motherfucker I knew you'd be back! I knew it...
"Shit! Jason get your retarded ass up right now!" Freddy yelled as Jason X unsheathed his machete.
Jason raised his head and seemed almost amused. His gaze met Jason X's. You can't kill me asshole. I can't die.
You can if I make it so! Jason X said as he raised his machete and prepared to bring it down. But this time Jason wouldn't have it; he kicked him right...hmm-I think I'll take the high road this time and just say 'you-can-imagine-where'. Jason X might have been stronger and just better than the average serial killer, but he went down all the same. Ghostface laughed hysterically whereas Freddy actually looked like he felt sorry for Jason X.
"Oh...low blow, Voorhees!" Ghostface said as he laughed loudly. Freddy glared at him.
"Shut your mouth! You're ruining the fight dumb ass!"
Ghostface grew abruptly silent as Jason rose to his feet and stared down at Jason X. Are you gonna get out of here now motherfucker?
Jason X rose to his feet and shook his head slowly. No fucking way. Not without a fair fight from you.
He punched but regular Jason dodged it and hit him the the stomach. Jason X doubled over in pain as he gripped his stomach and Jason snatched Ghostface's knife and stabbed him in the head.
There, he thought cheerfully as he dropped the knife onto the ground, a fair fight. Now allow me to escort you out.
"Hey, hey! You'd better clean up that blood spot on the carpet or it'll set in." Freddy said as he and Ghostface made their way over to Michael and undid the straps that bound him to the table. Jason sighed and carried Jason X's seemingly dead corpse out the door of the apartment.
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"So...that was an odd misadventure." Ghostface said as he lazily flipped thought the T.V. Channels like so many times before. Freddy shrugged and yawned. It would be an early night for all of them.
"I think that the Leatherface misadventure was worse. But for Voorhees, I could see how it would be the worst."
It really wasn't so bad. I think that Michael had it the best this time, though.
Michael, who had successfully gotten the rusted scalpel out of his eye was now just struggling to stay halfway conscious because of all of the pain pills that he had taken. He didn't even have the sense left to scribble a not so he just nodded and let his head loll against his chest.
"Yep. I think that from now on we should just not answer the door." Ghostface said as he settled for this week's episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Freddy sighed but didn't feel like arguing over the show tonight.
"You never did tell us what happened to Jason X's corpse though."
Jason smiled under his mask and passed a note around; Let's just say that he won't bother us again.
Ghostface was utterly unimpressed with this answer. "We asked you what you did to him, Voorhees. Not the end line of another chapter. I think that we deserve to know."
Okay, Jason wrote, if you really want to know I cut his head off, wrapped him in a trash bag and put him in the dumpster.
Freddy laughed. "So I guess that we never really will be hearing from him again!"
"Or not too soon, in any case." Ghostface muttered as he watched his show. "And that's good enough for me."