As usual, shoutout Jess for being a rockstar and reviewing this in record time while doing her own coursework. And to Sandra for the constant support!

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Chapter 20 – The Aftermath

Oh...love...you say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...sweetheart...
You're so cruel
Oh...love...to stay with you I'd be a fool
Sweetheart...you're so cruel
So cruel, U2

He drifted awake slowly, expecting his bed to be empty, but then he felt her body still snuggled against his. She hadn't left.

Bloody hell.

Panic arose in him. He wasn't ready to deal with this. He definitely was not ready to deal with a morning after with Emma Swan, especially after the little mind game they had going on the night before. He could only picture how a talk like that would go.

He would get his heart broken again.

He had to think this through. He had to stay ahead of the game again.

It was the only way he'd survive.

He sighed, got out of the bed carefully to avoid waking her and headed to his shower.

/-/

Emma heard noises in the kitchen and opened her eyes. It took her just a minute to remember the events of the prior night and she felt a slight twinge of guilt at how it all had gone. She'd also felt sad that Killian had left the bed instead of staying in, but she tried not to read much into it. She got up, quickly got dressed and headed for the kitchen.

He was facing the counter, his back to her, drinking coffee. He was already dressed and his hair was damp.

"Hey…" She whispered awkwardly.

He turned around and gave her a small smile that did not reach his eyes.

"Good morning, Swan. There's coffee if you want some." He said in a detached tone.

Emma's heart stopped for a second. Something isn't right.

She cleared her throat. "Last night was…" She started but he cut her off.

"A one-time thing." He stated coldly.

She looked at him shocked, with a puzzled expression. He felt the guilt creeping through him, but he had to go on. "Actually, it was a two time thing, but you get the point…" He finished smugly.

If she were closer, she would have slapped him. He could tell from the look on her face.

"Killian…" She started to walk towards him.

"It was a mistake, Swan." He continued. "You and I both know it…"

She looked at him in disbelief, her green eyes piercing his and he almost caved with the need of holding her in his arms again.

"Emma…" He sighed. "Whatever it was, love, it wasn't a good idea. We're in the middle of a case…"

"The case? You're using the case as your excuse?" She asked in disbelief.

"It's not an excuse. I've been working on this for months, even years, Emma. I cannot get distracted when we are so close to finally finding this psychopath and putting him behind bars." He stated avoiding her eyes.

"A distraction?" She couldn't believe how cold he was, how detached and distant he sounded. She knew all these lines; she had delivered them so many times. He sounded like her.

"A very nice and compliant one, don't misunderstand me. Some might complain about the screaming, but I found that very alluring…" He said cockily.

He wasn't surprised when she slapped him. He deserved it. He tilted his head and clenched his jaw.

"What do you want from me, Swan?" He asked in a low voice.

"Talk to me, Hook." She said. "You cannot pretend this didn't happen…"

"Actually, I never thought I would have to talk to you about this. I was pretty sure you would be gone before I even opened my eyes." He said with a reproaching tone in his eyes. "After all, you've always run away from me, why would that change?"

The pain hidden in his tone was almost unbearable and it brought tears to her eyes.

"I'm here now…" She said determined.

"It's too late, Swan." He sighed. "I'm not interested." He said as he walked past her and headed to the living room.

"Liar!" She called on him as she turned around.

He stopped and turned around to look at her and she could see the hurt in his eyes. "What do you want from me, Swan?" He started in a tone full of hurt and regret. "Do you want me to crawl back to you and profess my undying love? To beg you for a chance to have a happy ending? I did all that, love. And you said no."

"So you are just going to shut down and never take a chance again?" She asked in almost a whisper, her heart breaking.

"Look out for yourself and you'll never get hurt, remember?" He smiled sadly. "I asked you to be part of something, Emma. And you chose to walk away. I asked you to try. Just try, just a chance. And you couldn't even give me that. You pushed me away."

His accusatory tone was breaking her resolve and her heart and the words slipped from her before she could control them.

"You were supposed to come back!" She yelled, remorse and hurt in her voice.

Pain and resentment flickered through his eyes and he started walking towards her.

"How many more times should I have kept enduring rejection after rejection and keep coming back? How many more times until I proved that I was worthy of you?" He spat at her, his controlled voice feeling like a knife cutting through her. He could see it, but he couldn't stop. "You were never going to stop pushing me away, Emma. Never." He finished.

"You don't know that…" She said weakly. "You promised to win my heart, and gave up when it got tough. You just left. Like all of them." She finished in an accusatory whisper.

"There is a fine line between devotion and obsession. I felt I had crossed it. It was enough, Swan. It should have been enough." He retorted in a low voice.

She looked at him and he could still see the lost girl he first met… and it broke his heart. But there was no understanding in her eyes. She still couldn't see him.

"You know, lass? You are not the only one who's been hurt and abandoned, who never thought they were enough." His voice was low, almost a whisper… carrying the pain of centuries of neglect. "You are not the only one who needed to know that someone was there for them, unconditionally. You were not the only who needed someone to come back for them…" His blue eyes were bearing his soul and she could see the pain and loneliness in them.

"I saved your life." She said in a small plea.

"Aye, you did. You saved my life, stripping yourself from your magic. Because that is what heroes do… they save the day. But you did not care enough to actually stay and be with me." His eyes bore into hers.

"I cared about you, Killian."

"Did you care? Really, Swan? Then tell me lass, how many times did you try to find me in these three years?" He retorted, looking defiantly at her.

She froze on the spot, her eyes shocked as his words sank in. He could see her eyes dawning with realization as her face started to blush. And that was his answer. That was all he needed to know.

"How long it took you to find me when you actually started looking? I never hid, Emma. You could have found me a long time ago. But you never looked for me before, Swan. You didn't care." He said sadly, his hand running through his hair. "The only reason you are here it's because I bumped into you and I'm conveniently working on an investigation you are interested in. If you'd caught Thomas that day, you wouldn't even be here. After we catch Thomas, you won't be here. Some part of you is still running away. And I won't follow you this time. I've worked too hard to move on. I won't jeopardize the life I've built to run after you."

He looked at her, pain and determination in his eyes. "I've got a raid to get to. Just do whatever you need to do and lock the door when you leave. I'll see you in the station later this afternoon." He turned around, grabbed his jacket and left his apartment.