Chapter 8 - too hard

Lucy slept in her own bed the first night Alex was home but was glued to Alex's side all evening. Alex kept reassuring her everything was ok, but Lucy was still worried. Piper and Danny were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner, while Alex lay down in her bedroom. Diane walked into Alex's room, finding her daughter inspecting her face and neck in the mirror, "The bruises will fade away Alex."

"I know."

"We need to talk about what happened, I need to know everything."

Alex sat on her bed, staring at the floor. She knew this was coming, and she knew how much the truth would hurt Diane. Diane sat next to Alex on the bed, "Please Alex, we've always been honest with each other. I feel like you've been shutting me out these last few months, now I think I know why. Please don't shut me out anymore." Alex just keeps staring ahead blankly as she starts talking.

"The only reason I never said anything is because I wanted to protect you and Lucy. I thought I could handle it." Alex took a deep breath before she continued. "Things only got physical after he moved in, I'm sure I didn't help the situation. It was mostly just pushing and shoving, and then it just got out of hand the other night."

"Ok, and what else?"

Alex just kept staring ahead, she didn't know how to tell Diane the whole truth, "the rest doesn't matter." Diane knew her daughter all too well, she knew she'd have to drag the details out of her. But the fact that Alex was so reluctant to tell her only meant one thing, it was worse than Diane had thought. Diane turned to her daughter, cupping her face in her hands, forcing Alex to look her in the eye, "Please Ally, please." Alex's eyes glassed over, she'd never heard that desperation in her mum's voice before. She knew she had to tell her the truth.

"I don't know….the pushing and shoving turned into hitting, I always hid the bruises. I knew how much you loved having the extra time at home with Lucy. I just…." Alex took a moment to compose herself, "I tried to fight back, but that just made it worse. He….he'd put his hands under my shirt, but that's as far as it went.

Diane was fighting back the tears as she spoke again, "Ally, why didn't you tell me?"

These next words were the hardest for Alex, "To protect Lucy, I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to her."

The panic had firmly set in, "He threatened Lucy?"

"Yeah…..I thought, better he did it to me than to her." Diane held her head in her and hands and cried. Alex pulled her into a tight hug, terrified of how Diane would cope. "Please mum, it's not your fault. I should have said something. I just didn't want you to have to work so much anymore or worry about us more than you already do. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I fucked it all up."

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Piper and Danny were nearly finished with the dishes when Piper noticed Diane leave Alex's room and walk into her own, shutting the door. Alex came back into the kitchen and sat at the table. Danny didn't know Alex well, but it didn't matter, he knew how much she meant to Piper.

"How are your pain levels Alex?"

"I dunno, painful I guess." Alex was not in the mood to talk.

"You can take some more tablets, it'll help you sleep." Alex took the tablets Danny gave her, she welcomed sleep right now. She kept rubbing at the cut on her head, she could feel it throbbing.

"Here, let me have a look at that." Danny gently moved Alex's hair so he could see the stitches, "Just a bit red, they can come out soon though."

"Thanks Danny."

"Anytime," Danny smiled and went back to the dishes.

"How's Diane?" asked Piper as she put a hand on Alex's shoulder.

"Not good. Fuck, I don't know how to fix this."

"Let me talk to her babe."

"Not tonight, just let her process it all."

"Of course babe," Piper leaned in to kiss Alex on the forehead. "You look exhausted, let me take you to bed." Alex just nodded and followed Piper to her room.

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Alex fell asleep with her arms wrapped tightly around Piper, but even with the extra pain medication she still couldn't sleep through the night. She felt like she couldn't breathe, she was gasping for air, she broke out of Piper's arms and sat straight up in bed, trying to calm down and drenched in sweat. "Shit, Alex. Just breathe with me, come on, just focus on me." Alex closed her eyes, but she was struggling to calm down. "It was only a dream Alex, I'm here ok, he can't hurt you anymore." Slowly, Alex slowed down her breathing, she felt completely drained. "That's it, that's better. Let's change your shirt, this one is soaked through." Piper helped Alex out of her t-shirt and got her a fresh one.

"Thanks Pipes. That was so fucked."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No, no it's ok…. I love you Pipes." The two girls lay back down, Piper holding onto Alex as she went back to sleep.

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The police came to the apartment early the next morning to speak with Alex, Piper and Diane were already at work, and Lucy was at school. Danny was probably still asleep in Piper's apartment.

"Thank you for making the time to speak again Alex, we just want to make sure we have all the details."

"No problem." Alex was sick of talking to the police, why couldn't they just catch him?

"We've gone through your records in more detail and understand that you've had previous drug abuse issues."

Alex stiffened at the mention of this, "I guess you could say that."

"Your hospital records show you've previously been admitted for a heroin overdose."

What the fuck did this have to do with Robbie, "Yeah, and?"

"Do you still take heroin?"

"No."

"Were you taking heroin when you were experiencing issues with Robert Green?"

"What are you trying to fucking blame me for what happened?" Alex didn't bother to hold back her anger anymore.

"No of course not, we just need to check all the facts."

"Yeah well now you've checked, you can go."

"Not yet Alex. What about your biological father?"

Alex gritted her teeth, "What about him?"

"From discussions with your mother we understand that you don't have a good relationship with your father, and that Robert Green effectively acted as a step father."

"That asshole wasn't a father figure to anyone. Are you ever gonna actually catch him?"

"I promise you Alex we're doing all we can. Look, that's probably all we need right now, we'll be in touch as the investigation progresses."

"Yeah, whatever." Alex led the police out of the apartment and slammed the door behind them. She had planned for Nicky to come over later in the day, but that was too far away, she needed her now. Alex picked up the phone and dialled her number.

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"Those fucking asshole cops! They just wanted to make it sounds like it was all my fault, like I had it coming! I'm really fucking angry Nicky!" Nicky had never seen Alex flip out like this, she was worried and didn't know what to do. Alex ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife from the drawer, sometimes she wished she had the will power to cut herself, just for the distraction, just to feel something else.

"Hey Vause no way!" she took the knife from Alex's grasp. "Now is not the time to lose your shit and stab someone else or yourself. The whole situation is shit Alex, people like us spend our lives getting pushed around."

"And I'm fucking sick of it!"

Nicky was desperate to calm Alex down. Nicky knew that once Alex went over the edge, it was near impossible to pull her back. "I know, I know. Look, let's just take a seat and calm down ok," Nicky pulled a small bag of heroin out of her jacket pocket. "Not trying to be a bad influence, but I know this shit will help you relax. We'll just do a little, we won't get fucked up, just enough to take the edge off. I'll stay with you the whole time."

Alex knew she shouldn't, but right now she was so angry she was afraid of what she might do, she decided Nicky was right, just enough to take the edge off. The two teenagers sat on the lounge room floor, Nicky handed the small bag to Alex. Alex looked at the white powder for a while before tipping a small amount onto her thumb, she then raised her thumb to her nose and inhaled sharply, "Fuck!" She then slouched back against the couch, "See, told you it'll help you relax." Nicky took the bag from Alex and repeated her actions. The two just sat there for a while, letting the high set in.

"What if I kill him?"

"What, what the fuck are you talking about Vause? No, you're not killing anyone." Nicky knew from previous experience that Alex said a lot of crazy stuff when she was high, but this comment still scared her, even though she didn't believe Alex was capable of killing someone.

"But what if I did? Then I'd know he could never hurt us again, the fucking cops sure as hell aren't gonna catch him."

"Seriously Alex, you're fucking nuts if you think that's a good idea." Nicky handed Alex the small bag again, and this time Alex didn't hesitate in snorting more.

Towards the end of the afternoon the two friends were still on the lounge room floor, Nicky needed to head home to meet Lorna for dinner.

"Yo, Vause! I gotta go, you ok?" Nicky slowly pulled herself off the floor.

Alex knew she'd taken too much, not enough to overdose, but enough that she wouldn't be able to hide the fact she was high from Diane or Piper.

"I'm fine Nick, call me tomorrow?"

"You know it, love you Vause" Nicky then left the apartment, Alex still sitting on the floor.

Fuck, she thought to herself, I'm so fucked.

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Piper finished her shift at 4pm, then picked up Diane from work. Lucy was going to a friend's house after school to work on a group project, Piper had arranged to pick her up later in the night. Piper and Diane walked into the apartment, Diane went to make some tea and Piper walked into the lounge to find Alex sitting on the floor. "Hey Al, did Nicky come round?" Alex had been nodding off since Nicky left, but tried to keep her eyes open in front of Piper, "Yeah, she left not long ago."

"You want some tea?" Piper kissed the top of Alex's head.

"Sounds good," Alex smiled, praying Piper wouldn't say anything. A few minutes later, Diane brought Alex a cup of tea, placing it on the coffee table. Alex was still sitting on the floor with her eyes closed. All she wanted to do was fall apart, let life win. She was sick of life feeling so hard all the time, why did everything have to always be so hard for her? All she wanted was some peace, but she could never quite get there. But Piper, Piper gave her peace, and love. Piper didn't judge her, she was only ever kind. Alex got so frustrated with herself, there were always those moments where she lost all self control, just couldn't see past the fog in her own mind, and then regretted her actions after the fog lifted. After all, what is the prize for surviving? The chance of being happy? Sometimes that prize felt too good to be true. She'd gotten so comfortable in her own sadness, it was scary to let go.

"Sweetie, you ok?" Diane kneeled down in front of Alex and tried to wake her up. Alex slowly opened her eyes, and panic set in when she saw Diane in front of her, "so did Nicky hang out with you today?" Alex started nodding off again, before managing to stop herself and answer Diane.

"Ummm, yeah, yeah….we hung out."

Diane looked at her daughter, she could remember one other time she had seen Alex like this. It was two years ago when Alex had managed to find her father, she had arranged to meet him, and the image she had built in her own mind was destroyed by the reality of who her father was. After that meeting Diane found Alex sitting in her car in front of the apartment building, nodding off, not registering anything that was happening. That moment had broken Diane's heart, she felt like a failure as a mother. She was now faced with the same situation. She had failed to protect Alex, and now that failure led to a whole new range of consequences. She knew there was no point yelling at Alex right now, but she needed to get through to her daughter.

"What did you take?"

"….What?"

"The drugs Alex, what drugs did you take?" Piper overheard this conversation from the kitchen and quickly stepped into the lounge, "What's going on?" Piper was scared, she loved Alex so much, but some days she was still so closed off.

"Pipes…I…I just needed to sleep, just to sleep."

Diane knew she had to tread carefully, "tell me Ally, what did you take?"

Alex was determined not to cry, she had cried so much lately and she was sick of it, she felt so weak. What happened to her strong self? She wanted that person back.

"Heroin…. but no needles."

"What the fuck Alex!" Piper couldn't hold back anymore, "You just got out of the fucking hospital, what were you thinking?" Alex didn't respond, the truth was that she wasn't thinking, thinking was the whole problem. She just wanted her mind to stop thinking, she had fucked everything up so badly. She was tired of thinking…

"You can't just go around doing whatever the fuck you want! I fucking love you! And I won't just sit here and watch you destroy yourself. You don't get to give up just because it feels too hard Alex!" Piper knelt down in front of Alex. It would be so easy to leave the apartment right now, but instead she wanted Alex to look her in the eye, "It's time to make a choice Alex, it's not just about you. What about me, your mum, and Lucy?"

"I just wanted to sleep….. without nightmares Pipes."

"And heroin isn't the answer to that. You don't get to do this to me, or your family."

"The fucking cops, they think I'm the bad guy….everything just feels too hard right now Pipes."

Diane knew this was a part of Alex's history that Piper didn't know about, "Piper, come with me for a second." Piper hesitated but then followed Diane into her bedroom.

"I'm not going to just excuse this sort of thing Diane, this is not ok!"

"I know sweetie, I know. But you need to understand, this isn't the first time." Piper knew Alex smoked pot, but she didn't know she'd taken heroin before.

"She overdosed a couple years ago, after she met her real dad. He broke her heart, she took too much and ended up in the hospital."

"Shit, I had no idea. But still, this is not ok."

"I know it's not ok Piper, and I know you're just acting out of love, but there's no point in yelling at her about this. You won't get through to her that way, deep down you know that."

Diane sat with Piper for another 10 minutes, explaining how badly Alex had reacted to meeting her father, and how she had overdosed. Alex never really seemed to recover from that moment, which made Diane feel even worse about what happened with Robbie. All she wanted was for Alex to have a positive male role model in her life. The two women walked back into the lounge to see Alex had nodded off again.

"She's just gotta sleep it off Piper. You go pick up Lucy, I'll stay with Alex."

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Piper knew the drugs would have come from Nicky. She knew Nicky and Alex grew up together and were best friends, but she didn't want to be constantly worrying about Nicky getting Alex high. Piper had only been to Nicky's apartment once, but she managed to remember the address. She walked into the building, feeling nervous but determined at the same time. She knocked on Nicky's front door, no turning back now.

"Hey blondie, you sick of Vause already?"

"Why did you give Alex heroin?" Piper needed to get straight to the point.

Nicky was taken aback, this was something Piper would never understand. "Look, Piper, she was losing her mind this afternoon. She needed to calm down, so I helped her." Nicky knew Alex had snorted more than she had, but she didn't believe it was enough to be dangerous.

"You're meant to be her best friend. You need to promise me that you'll keep the drugs away from her." Piper didn't know how Nicky would react to this.

"Look, you've been on the scene for what, less than six months? I've known Alex for ten years, I know her, probably better than she knows herself. And trust me, this afternoon, she needed it."

"She's never going to get better if she keeps falling back on drugs when things get hard!" Piper was starting to lose her temper.

"Hey, you have no idea blondie! You grew up in a different world, probably never had to worry about anything. Well you know what, me and Alex didn't grow up with that luxury! We grew up in a world where we were always on the bottom of the pile, where we had to struggle for everything. And you know what, we got through it together, and we still do. She's not a fucking drug addict, she just needed a moment of feeling something other than fucking darkness. Don't get me wrong, I think you're good for Alex, but don't treat her like a child."

Piper could understand that Nicky was just trying to help her friend, but she would not let Alex fall into a cycle of drug use. "Just keep the hard drugs away ok, I want her to get better Nicky. She has so much good inside her, I want to see her be happy."

"I know you care about her Chapman, and I'll always look out for her. But I'm not gonna tell her what to do. She's an adult."

"She's fucking 19 years old Nicky!"

"And what, you're fucking three years older, what's the fucking difference! You might think you're the grown up and Alex is the child that needs to be looked after, but trust me, that's not how it is. Alex has been looking after herself for a long time."

"I don't think she's a child. When I'm with her, I don't want anything else, she's enough for me. But I want her to be happy Nicky, I know I can help her get better."

Nicky just looked at Piper, "I get what you're trying to say Chapman, just don't treat her like she's a fucking idiot."

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Piper and Lucy returned to the apartment, Lucy was tired and seemed ready for an early night. Diane and Alex were sitting on the couch, Alex slumped against her mother's side. Lucy went to have a shower and get ready for dinner, while Piper went into the lounge, "I spoke to Nicky," Diane just sighed.

"Alex and Nicky have always relied on each other Piper, they're like sisters."

Alex woke up as her mum was speaking, "You don't need to get angry at Nicky Piper. Just, come with me." Alex dragged herself off the couch and led Piper to her bedroom. Alex closed the door behind them and pushed Piper up against the wall, looking at her with a fierce desire in her eyes.

"I'm not having sex with you while you're high Alex."

"Why not? You're so gorgeous, just let me love you, let me make you come." Alex kissed Piper roughly, but Piper pushed her away.

"Stop it! We are not fucking just so you can avoid talking about what happened today."

"Fuck, what does it matter Piper? Would you rather I took drugs this afternoon or threw myself out the fucking window?"

"I'd rather you talked to me Alex! I'd rather you picked up the phone and called me, talked to me, instead of sitting here getting high. This isn't like smoking pot or having a drink Alex, this is something that could kill you. It almost did once before."

Alex just laughed quietly, "She told you about that huh,"

"Yeah, she told me. She also said that was the only other time it happened. She doesn't know how to get through to you right now Alex. Why are you pushing us away?"

Alex just slumped to the floor and sighed, she didn't want to fight with Piper, "Everything in my life is fucked. I'm afraid, that…..that if I rely on you that much, this will get fucked up too."

Piper sat on the floor next to Alex, "Look at me, that won't happen. The only thing that will fuck this up is you not being honest with me." With that Piper leaned into Alex and kissed her, running her hands through the long dark hair. Alex kissed her back, her hands on Piper's cheeks, before pulling away, "Ok, I'll try."

A/N

Hey folks,

Thanks again for the reviews etc, helps me to know if I'm on the right track. I had a bit of trouble writing this chapter, mainly because I had a lot of ideas and couldn't decide which ones to use. I don't intend on making Alex a drug addict, but I wanted to address this side of her personality, especially exploring how it might materialise when she's 19.

I still have a lot of ideas of where to take this, so keen to hear your thoughts on what you think is working and what's not working. Anything in the story so far you feel particularly strongly about.

Cheers.