Chapter 3

Demi's POV

Filming this documentary for the first time felt really weird.

But at the same time, I felt like I could be myself.

I wanted to let out my emotions, but I didn't feel the need to cry. I wasn't going to cry unless it was necessary, and since I'm okay now... I'm unbroken rather, I can just be calm and relaxed. I was once I got into it and starting speaking.

I looked back at the first few scenes, and it felt... realistic. It didn't feel like I was being fake or trying to look happy, I just said whatever came out of my mind. I couldn't show people this pretend Demi that I have been these past couple of years. If I hadn't let it all out, there would have been no point of doing this documentary.

But today hasn't been easy. I will probably cry later because... that's how I cope I guess. It's the healthy way to cope. I'm proud of myself for not touching a single razor for the past couple of months. I have definitely thought about it when I have been low, but that's part of the process.

The process of accepting that I am depressed and needing to keep myself away from cutting completely. And of course, continuing to eating healthily too.

But things have been better, much better than a year ago.

But I'm finding it harder and harder to keep myself away from him.

Away from the one guy... the one guy that made me feel the most special. The one that meant the world to me.

Gosh, I really want to talk to Nick.

Should I call him? Text him maybe?

Ugh, I wish I could just be happy without him... move on with my life.

But he was my best friend, THE best friend who had my back the entire time.

If I hadn't had him by my side, I would have committed suicide by now for sure.

I miss every little thing about him. I even miss his flaws!

I've never felt this way about ANYONE. Not even Joe.

I mean, I dated I Joe! I never properly started anything with Nick because...

...I was scared.

Petrified.

I knew I wasn't ready for anything after what happened between me and Joe.

Things were going miserably.

I can talk to Joe now occasionally on Twitter, maybe even text because I know that he's a lot easier to talk to than his younger brother.

Why?

Because in the end, I didn't really love him.

I mean yeah okay, I loved him as a friend.

But I didn't fall in love with him like I thought I did.

I don't even know now for sure if I'd fallen in love with anyone!

But maybe, just maybe... I did.

But not for a boyfriend, not for a friend...

A best friend. The bestest friend I've ever had for these past nearly 6 years.

Maybe, I fell in love with Nick.

Or maybe, I was imagining it... just that once more.

To do this day, I don't know.

I don't know if I truly will know.

This whole thing has been so complicated. I've been stuck in between friends and becoming more than that with Nick.

It was like... we were friends with benefits, without sex.

I mean, I haven't really had sex.

I've kept myself away from that.

I nearly did it with Joe, and I am so glad that I didn't. I want to save myself.

Maybe I don't need to save myself for marriage, but I am not going to have sex until I feel I am ready. But I have done other things of course.

I'd rather not talk about some of the stupid things I have done because I need a clean slate.

But Nick.

He's so contagious.

He's everything I need, and everything I don't need at the same time.

The best thing was when I kissed him that one time.

It was so soft and gentle, at the same time I thought I was going to melt like butter into his arms.

It was on the South America tour in my dressing room. He was comforting because I was having one of my moments of weakness.

It was because of my so called friends at the time were bugging me to death. They weren't making me feel better at all. I felt like they were almost bullying me. They kept talking about my eating issues and kept judging me and it pissed me off so much that I punched one of them, Shorty.

But Nick was there and he understood why I did that. He was the only one who was helping me on that tour because everyone else was oblivious to how I felt.

Even Joe.

But that was because he was spending time with Ashley.

Anyway, I had to try and forget what was between me and Nick.

It hurt so fucking much, but I couldn't look back.

But everytime I think about that night in the dressing room, I can't help feeling that I wish I could experience it one more time.

Those few moments of bliss, the whole world feeling like it had stopped turning.

The song Stop The World blaring through my ears like a wave.

That literally was our song in the end.

We wrote it together, we felt it together.

We stopped the world with a taste of a kiss.

His lips against mine so sweetly.

He tasted like a Starbucks Chocolate Frappucino.

But that might be because we had a light night drink from the cafe before we came back to get some sleep.

It didn't last long before he stopped us.

I know why he stopped us.

He knew he couldn't continue because of what I was going through.

But I didn't want him to stop.

"Hey, don't stop... it's okay."

"No Demi, I can't."

"Why not?"

"You're not stable right now, you don't want to kiss me."

"Are you kidding? Of course I want to kiss you!"

He gently pushed me away, standing up so that he was away from the bed. It was pure agony when he did that. I didn't want him to let me go.

"Dem, you may want to now... but you'll regret it."

"Nick, we kissed for like 5 seconds. That is barely anything."

"It was long enough. I can't kiss you knowing that I could hurt you more than you already are."

"Nick you don't get it. I want to kiss you because you take the pain away."

He looked at me with slight astonishment.

I looked back at him, pleading with my eyes to hold me... kiss me once more.

He then frowned, "B-but... I don't... why, why... how do I, I take the pain away?"

"Because you've almost made me feel whole again. I've been a wreck these past few months and I need someone to hold on to, and you're that person."

His eyes were glued to me, his face getting more and more shocked by the second.

He sat back down on the bed, sitting a few inches away from me.

I turned to properly face him, I analysed his whole face.

"But Dem, I haven't done much. I've just been..."

"...been there for me? Caressed me? Held me? Sweet talked me? Completed me? That's not 'just' something Nick, that's everything I need. You've given everything for me to be happy. You've spent almost everyday with me, making sure I smiled or laughed at least once a day. Okay sure, I've not always been a happy bunny and yes, I'm trying to get better. But you're the only person I can trust at the moment, you're the only person I can actually be myself, and not worry about what you're going to say. And do you know why? Because you don't judge, you don't tell me off for my mistakes, you encourage me. You catch me when I fall everytime Nick."

His face was in awe, completely speechless.

He could not say anything to that because he knew I was right.

Instead of trying to argue he just smiled at me, his beautiful smile.

And finally, he kissed me lightly just a little bit more. We were standing up this time, and I can tell he wanted to properly kiss me. His arms were cradling me into a hug, he felt so good.

I smiled adoringly in the kiss, wanting to go fully into it myself. I had to hold back a moan of pleasure.

He was too scared to do go further, even though I could have gladly done so.

He was right though, he knew best for me. He knew I had to get better.

He knew that kissing me wasn't the right thing, but definitely the best feeling ever for me.

Oh gosh, why cruel world.

Man, I wish something had happened now.

What if I had taken that leap?

Would we be together now?