Chapter 11 - help her
Alex was exhausted the next morning, she woke up and noticed Diane wasn't in the bed. Alex sat up and rubbed her eyes, she was about to get up when Diane came into the room, "Hi sweetie, just dropped Lucy at school. I got one of the girls to cover for me today, we need to talk."
"It's ok mum, I just had a bad dream last night, you don't need to stay home from work."
"Listen to me Alex, that wasn't just a dream. Most people don't get panic attacks like that from regular dreams. I'm taking you to see a doctor." Diane knew it would be hard to get Alex to agree to this, but she could see Alex needed professional help. She couldn't go on having nightmares that scared her so much.
"No way! I'm fine."
"Please Alex, what if I wasn't home last night? How long would that attack have lasted?"
"I can look after myself mum!" Alex couldn't bring herself to look Diane in the eye at this point.
Diane sat next to Alex on the bed, "I know you can Alex! But you know what? You don't have to. You don't need to tell me about the dreams, but I'm not letting you shut me off from all this. I fucking mean it Alex."
Alex sighed, deep down she knew her mum was right, but she wasn't ready to take that next step. "Ok, I'm sorry. But I'm not ready to speak to a doctor yet."
"Fine, but I'm not forgetting about this. And I'm not letting you fuck off with Nicky today. You can spend some time with your mother." Alex just smiled, apart from Piper, Diane was the only one that could truly get through to her.
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The rest of the week went by fairly quietly. Piper and Alex spent a lot of their spare time together, mostly at Alex's apartment. Piper was starting to feel like she lived there more than she did at her own apartment, like this was starting to become her family. She would come home from work, help with dinner if she got home early enough, or even pick up Lucy from school. She sat with them in the lounge watching a movie, or help Lucy with her homework. It wasn't even intentional, it was just a pattern they fell into, and Piper liked it. It was so easy, and it felt natural. Piper hadn't heard from her parents since their argument, which she was glad about but it also hurt at the same time. Even though she was an adult, on a subconscious level, Piper started looking at Diane more and more like a mother figure. Someone to ask for advice, talk to about her relationship with Alex, or her job, or hell, even what clothes to buy. It was the first time in a long time that Piper allowed herself to feel like she needed a mother, and she sought that from Diane.
It was a Friday night, Diane had taken Lucy to a friend's house and Alex was trying to convince Piper to go to a bar with her and Nicky.
"C'mon Pipes, it's been ages since we've been out properly. You've been writing heaps lately, I think you need to treat yourself." Alex pulled Piper closer to her, trying to will her to come.
"I dunno Al, I'm really not in the mood to go out. It's been a busy week, I'm trying to set up meetings with a bunch of editors."
"Exactly, let me take you out, pretty soon you'll be some big time writer and won't have time to go out with me." Alex smirked as she kissed Piper's neck and breathed into her ear. Piper felt her resolve waning, Alex knew exactly how to get Piper to say yes. Piper turned her face towards Alex and kissed her on the lips, "Fine, you win this time, but it better be a good night."
Two hours later, Alex and Piper met Nicky at a bar in the city, "Vause! You managed to convince the old ball and chain," Nicky liked Piper, but couldn't help but be slightly jealous at all the extra time Alex spent with her.
"Nice to see you too Nicky," Piper smiled in reply. She knew Nicky loved Alex like a sister, but still worried about her influence over Alex, especially when it came to drugs. The three girls headed inside without any issues as Nicky bought her drugs from the bar manager. Considering she was a reliable customer, he let her and Alex in without any ID. They went straight to the bar for drinks, "so where's Lorna tonight?" Alex was curious, Lorna was always with Nicky when they went out.
"Let's just say we had an argument and she's not in the mood to talk right now."
"Anything serious?"
"I dunno, fuck it. I just wanna enjoy myself tonight Vause." With that Nicky dragged Alex and Piper onto the dance floor, where they stayed for most of the night. After a few hours Alex took Piper to a nearby booth for a rest, while Nicky came back with a round of beers, "cheers ladies."
Alex was feeling pretty drunk by this point, but Piper was looking even more drunk, "how you feelin' babe?"
Piper smiled and kissed Alex before responding, "I'm feeling good."
"Seriously, save the lovey dovey shit for when I'm not around." Nicky then pulled out a napkin from her pocket and opened it on the table to reveal a bunch of small pills. She waved the pills in Alex's direction, "I even got your favourite Vause, just because I love ya!" Alex's eyes went wide at the pills in front of her, god, she really wanted one. But she wasn't sure how Piper would react. It wasn't heroin, but she still wanted to make sure Piper didn't have any issues, "ok with you Pipes?"
"Fucking hell Vause, since when do you need permission to take a pill!" Nicky was hurting more than she was letting on about her fight with Lorna, and she just wanted her best friend to get fucked up with her. Plus she was generally annoyed that Alex was asking Piper for permission at all.
Piper was too drunk to be polite anymore, "It's called being in a relationship asshole." She then turned to Alex, "it's fine Al." Nicky just smiled as her and Alex washed their pills down with the beer. After a while Nicky was trying to chat up some random girls at the bar, while Alex dragged Piper back to the dance floor. Piper noticed Nicky with the other girls, "she's not gonna cheat on Lorna is she?"
"Nah, she just needs to get this out of her system, she won't sleep with anyone else, trust me." Alex was sick of talking, she was having a great night and just wanted to be close to Piper. She pulled Piper closer to her, almost possessively. Piper closed the space between them and kissed Alex again. They lost track of time and had no idea how long they stayed like that for. Eventually, Piper led Alex towards the bathrooms. They stumbled through the door and stopped in their tracks. There was a young girl sitting on the floor next to the sinks, just staring into space. Even through her drug and alcohol fuelled state, Alex recognised her, "Emily?"
Emily looked up at Alex and Piper and smiled, "Hi Alex."
Piper remembered when Alex told her about Emily, but looking at her now, this girl did not look right. Piper looked more closely, and even though she was drunk, she couldn't miss the track marks on her arms. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm great. Who are you?"
"I'm Piper, Alex's girlfriend." This just made Emily laugh, which Piper wasn't sure how to react to. "Is there something fucking funny about that?" Piper was pissed off.
"Oh no, no sorry. I just didn't know Alex was gay."
Alex interjected at this point, "Well, now you know." Alex was about to go into one of the stalls when Emily kept talking, "I bet Robbie loved that!"
Piper's eyes widened, her anger rising to the surface again, "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Alex held onto Piper's arm before she could say anything else, and whispered into Piper's ear, "Don't worry about it babe, she's high, she doesn't know what she's saying."
"I'm sorry, sorry. I just…..I just know how he reacted when he found out I was gay. And good old mum, fucking loved it too."
Alex was too fucked right now to deal with this, so she pulled Piper out of the bathroom and back to the bar, "Al, what the fuck just happened?"
"I have no idea. Don't let it ruin our night Pipes. Let's find Nicky." The girls found Nicky on the other side of the bar, buying more drinks. They stayed at the bar for a couple more hours before they called it a night. "How you holding up there Chapman?" Nicky smiled at the sight in front of her, Piper was completely drunk and wrapped herself around Alex to stay upright, her head buried in Alex's shoulder. "Fuck you Nicky." Alex laughed, even when extremely drunk, Piper wouldn't take shit from Nicky.
"Don't worry Pipes, I'll get you home in one piece." The three friends were laughing as they exited the bar and waited for their cab. Out the front was Emily again, leaning against the wall, Alex was getting annoyed, "I can't fucking get away from this girl Nick." Nicky looked the girl up and down, "she looks fucked Vause."
"Hello again Alex," Emily was still smiling, but she seemed sad this time. She got up from the floor and stood in front of Alex and Piper with a serious look on her face, "how many times did he rape you?"
Alex just stood there, giving a cold stare back, "he never raped me," she replied through gritted teeth. She knew it was probably just the drugs making Emily talk like this, she didn't seem like an asshole the other day. But Alex was not in the mood for this shit now.
"Lucky you. Well, he must have done something for the police to get involved, for you to end up in hospital. He must have tried?"
Piper lifted her head from Alex's shoulder and shoved Emily back into the wall, "Would you shut the fuck up! This is none of your business."
Emily put her arms up in protest, "Whoa, I get it, you're the girlfriend, you wanna protect her. But I'm not the bad guy, I'm just trying to help. You're lucky you know, Alex. You're lucky that your mum isn't an asshole too, mine is."
Alex kept her arm around Piper, trying to keep her from exploding. "Look, I'm sorry Emily, but this isn't the right time to talk about this. I'll give you a call sometime, we're going home."
With that, the three girls got into their cab and headed back to the Vause apartment.
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It was after 2am when they got back to the apartment, Nicky would spend the night on the couch, while Piper slept in Alex's room. Alex helped Piper to the couch and sat her down next to Nicky. She went into the kitchen and came back with a bag of chips, "That was so fucking weird."
"Tell me about it! I reckon I've seen her hanging around Eddie's in the last couple months, she's a steady customer. But not in control by the looks of it. She was high as a kite tonight!" Nicky took the chips from Alex and grabbed a handful.
"He must have really fucked her up, done some really horrible shit."
"Stay away from her Alex, she seems unstable."
"Come off it Chapman, you're just worried she might steal Vause away. Trust me, she's harmless."
Piper just glared at Nicky, she was too tired to argue back. She leaned back into Alex, she would never get tired of the smell of her hair. "Come on Pipes, let's go to bed. You know your way around Nicky."
"See you love birds in the morning."
Alex led Piper into her bedroom, and slowly helped her undress before undressing herself. When they were both in bed, Piper couldn't help but talk about Emily, "I don't trust her Al, just watch yourself around her ok."
"Don't worry Pipes, I'll be careful."
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Piper groaned as she woke up the next day, she hardly slept and still felt a bit drunk. She opened her eyes to see Alex fast asleep, laying on her back with her mouth wide open. Piper just laughed to herself as she got up and put on some clean clothes. She walked into the lounge room to check on Nicky, where she found Lucy sitting on the couch with her, talking quietly. Lucy looked up and saw Piper walk over to them, "Hi Piper."
"Hi Lucy, what are you doing up?"
"I couldn't sleep anymore. And I haven't seen Nicky in ages."
"Yeah, Vause junior here thought it would be a great idea to wake me up at the crack of dawn."
"You said it was ok!"
"I'm just messin' with you, calm down kid. Can definitely see those family traits didn't skip you."
"Whatever, I'm gonna go wake up Alex."
"Pretty sure she doesn't want a wake up call this morning kiddo."
"Shut up Nicky," and with that, Lucy headed to Alex's room.
Nicky laughed, "God I love that kid. She'd give all of us a run for our money." Nicky slipped back under the blanket she slept with. Piper sat in the armchair next to her, "I don't think I've ever seen sisters as close as those two."
"Yeah, well, a lot of the time all they had was each other. That's what it's like for people like us Chapman. Alex has been looking after Lucy since she was born, and Lucy has always been completely attached to her. That kid thinks the sun shines out of your girlfriend's ass."
Piper smiled, "what was Alex like when she was younger?"
"Oh Chapman, the stories I could tell you! Unfortunately, Vause would kill me."
"Come on Nicky, I'm sure there's something you can tell me."
Nicky's expression became serious for a moment, "In a nutshell, she's always stuck to herself, all she ever had was Diane, Lucy and me. She was treated like shit for most of her life, so was I. We learnt how to look out for ourselves. Fuck, we got into so much shit, surprised we didn't send Diane to the nut house. That is one patient woman, she means a lot to Alex. But I can see that Alex is clearly in love with you Chapman."
"And I love her too."
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Lucy stepped into Alex's room and closed the door. Just like all the times she had done before, Lucy got into the bed next to Alex, "Ally, wake up."
Alex groaned as she opened her eyes and saw Lucy next to her. She hadn't seen Lucy much this week, and it just reminded Alex of her last panic attack. She reached out her long arms and brought Lucy in close to her in a tight hug. She kept reminding herself it was just a dream, but she couldn't stop the tears forming in her eyes, she wanted to keep Lucy close to her. In the last couple of weeks Lucy had started to give Alex more space. But right now, neither of them wanted to let go of the other.
"Are you ok Ally?"
"Yeah kid, just missed you this week. Need an extra-long hug this morning." In so many ways, Alex felt responsible for Lucy. Responsible for protecting her, giving her advice, and helping her live her life.
"Me too. Mum said I needed to give you more space, I didn't mean to annoy you."
Alex smiled at Lucy, "You weren't annoying me Luce, I just wanted you to relax."
"I was relaxed, I just wanted to look after you."
"You did kid, you did." Alex still kept her arms around Lucy, she wasn't ready to face the rest of the world yet. "I'm still kinda tired, how about we go back to sleep for a bit?"
"Ok." Lucy slid further under the blankets, leaning into Alex's chest as she went back to sleep.
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Nicky went home not long after Lucy woke her up, leaving Diane and Piper in the kitchen while Alex and Lucy slept. Piper was nursing her hangover, trying to get rid of her headache with coffee. Diane sat next to her, "Piper, I need your help with something."
"Of course, is everything ok?"
Diane shook her head, "I'm not really sure…..Did Alex tell you that she had a panic attack last week?"
"No….she didn't tell me."
"I wouldn't read too much into her not telling you, you know what she's like. Look, I don't want to worry you, but it was a bad one. She came into my bedroom, it took me over half an hour to calm her down. That hasn't happened in a long time, she looked really fucking scared. She wouldn't tell me what she dreamed about that caused the attack, but I can imagine it wasn't good."
Piper couldn't help but be worried, "I really wish she'd told me about it."
"I know sweetie, but don't dwell on that, she's still convinced she needs to deal with everything on her own. The only reason she came to my room is because it was a bad one, she couldn't calm herself down." Diane paused while she took a deep breath, "I want her to see a doctor about it, but she won't listen to me, I was hoping you could talk to her about it? I don't want to put any pressure on you, but this isn't getting better for her, and I don't want to see her have any more panic attacks like that."
Piper didn't know what to say, "Of course I'll talk to her about it. I, I'm just trying to process it all. I mean, she's woken up from bad dreams before, but I've never seen her have a panic attack because of a dream."
"It was the first one she's had in a good couple years. Don't get me wrong, I love Nicky, but I don't want Alex turning to her for drugs to deal with this. Although looks like you managed to scare her straight on that front. She's head over heels for you Piper, she's trying hard to respect your wishes when it comes to those things." This made Piper smile, she had noticed that Alex seemed to be more conscious of Piper's feelings towards things like drugs. "I'm not expecting miracles, but I thought she might listen to you on this."
Piper scoffed, "I don't know about that Diane, but I'll absolutely talk to her about it."
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It was an hour later and Alex and Lucy still hadn't emerged from the bedroom. Piper turned to Diane, "it's nearly midday, should I go wake them up?"
"Yeah, otherwise Lucy will be up all night. I'm gonna go get ready for my shift, need to be there by 2pm." Diane headed off to get ready for work while Piper went to Alex's room. As expected, both sisters were still asleep, Lucy wrapped up in Alex's arms. "Hey sleepy heads, it's time to get up!"
Lucy opened one eye, "Why?"
"Because it's nearly midday and you need to get your lazy butts out of bed." Piper pulled back the blanket to try and force them up.
Alex didn't even bother opening her eyes, but Piper could tell she was awake now, "Just ignore her Lucy, I think Piper has forgotten it's SATURDAY."
"Yeah, it's Saturday, we can sleep as much as we want."
Piper rolled her eyes, "Seriously Alex, it's like I'm dealing with two ten year olds."
"Ok ok. Better get up Luce before she gets angry."
"I can't get up if you don't let go of me," but the reality was that Lucy didn't want to get up. She wasn't tired anymore, but she just wanted to stay with Alex. Alex didn't respond, she just lay there, still holding onto Lucy. She could feel the anxiety rising in her chest again, but she managed to push it away, every time she saw Lucy she was reminded of that dream. She let go of Lucy and sat up in bed, "go get dressed kid, I'll make some lunch."
Lucy took her time getting out of the bed. Once she had gone to get changed, Piper sat next to Alex. "How's it going?" Alex didn't say anything, and instead pulled Piper into a kiss. "Seriously Alex, is everything ok?"
"Yes Pipes, everything is ok."
Piper took a deep breathe, she really hoped Alex didn't get angry about what Diane told her, "your mum told me you had a panic attack last week."
Alex's face went blank, "it's not a big deal Piper, that's why I didn't say anything."
"I'm not mad at you Alex, I just think you should consider seeing a doctor about this."
"Fucking hell, so she put you onto me to talk me into seeing a fucking shrink?"
"That's not what it's about and you know it! Don't be an asshole just because your mum is worried about you. At the very least just do it for her, then if it doesn't help at least you can say you tried."
Alex knew she was right. She had been leaning so heavily on Diane and Piper recently, she had no right to give them attitude. But the idea of actually saying certain things out loud to a doctor, it was unimaginable. She was petrified of actually telling someone her story, of how she would react at actually talking about certain things that she never mentioned to anyone.
"Sorry Pipes, you're right, I'm an asshole. But I just need more time to think about it." Alex leaned her forehead against Piper's, she just needed her reassurance that everything would be ok. Before either girl could say anything, Alex's phone went off, it was a text from Emily:
Emily: I'm really sorry about last night, do you have time to talk today?
Piper saw the text and felt instantly tense, she did not trust Emily, especially after last night. And she did not want Alex being alone with her. "Not today Alex, Diane is working and I need to get some writing done. You need to watch Lucy." Alex knew that Piper didn't want her seeing Emily, and to be honest Alex didn't have the energy to deal with her today. She sent a reply:
Alex: Sorry don't have time today. How about during the week?
Alex got a response almost immediately:
Emily: Tomorrow?
This just annoyed Piper, "she really cannot take a hint."
Alex: I'll let you know
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It was late Saturday evening and Diane was still at work. Piper was putting Lucy to bed while Alex had a shower. She was about to leave the room when Lucy asked a question, "do you love Alex?"
This took Piper by surprise, this kid liked to ask the serious questions, "Yeah, a lot."
"Good, because I don't want you to go away one day."
"What makes you think I'd go anywhere?"
Lucy lowered her eyes, "Because your parents don't like Alex."
"That doesn't mean I'm going anywhere Lucy. I love being here with you guys."
"I like having you around, I don't want you to leave. And Alex definitely doesn't want you to leave. I think we'd both be really sad if you left. I know she gets in trouble sometimes but she doesn't mean to."
"I'm not leaving Lucy, I promise. And don't worry about my parents, they just need to get used to the idea." Piper gave Lucy a hug before leaving the room. The truth was that she wasn't sure if her parents would ever accept Alex.
Alex was done in the shower and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. It still felt surreal, the way Piper just fit into her life, fit into her family. She put Lucy to bed, she hung out with her mum, it just worked. Even though Robbie still hadn't been caught, Alex was happy. Piper filled a need inside her that she didn't know was there. Both girls were in the kitchen having a late snack when there was a knock at the door. Piper got up and opened the door, only to find Emily on the other side, "what are you doing here?"
Emily seemed panicked, "I'm sorry but Alex I need to talk to you!"
Alex stood up quickly, "Keep your fucking voice down, what do you need to talk about? And how the fuck do you know where I live?"
"You never gave me the chance to apologise for the other night, and there's so much you still don't know." Emily pushed past Piper into the apartment, "Why won't you let me talk to you?"
The truth was, Alex was just tired, she didn't have the energy to deal with Emily. As harsh as it sounded in her own head, she didn't really want to know what Robbie did to Emily, and Emily was starting to scare her. It was hard enough for Alex to deal with her own demons, she didn't have it in her right now to deal with Emily's.
Piper could see that Alex was uncomfortable, and stepped in, "Look Emily, Alex doesn't want to talk right now, you need to leave."
Emily was starting to get frustrated, "I'm not ready to leave! If you actually cared about Alex, you'd let me talk to her. How do you know he won't put you in hospital next?" As soon as Alex heard Emily threaten Piper her anger bubbled to the surface. She quickly walked over to Emily, grabbed her shirt and pushed her against the wall, "Don't you dare fucking threaten her, understand? You can contact me to talk when you're not fucking high. Do not come back here again."
Emily looked surprised, "Sorry Alex, I just don't know how to get through to you, or your girlfriend. You don't know him like I do."
Alex kept a firm grip on Emily, "you told me he wouldn't come back, that I should be glad he's gone, so what does it fucking matter?"
"That doesn't mean you shouldn't know his history!"
Alex's patience had run out, she slammed Emily into the wall, anxiety and anger mixing inside her, "You need to leave, I will contact you when I'm ready, until then you leave us the fuck alone." Alex pushed Emily out the front door and locked it behind her. She could feel the emotions growing inside her, she was trying desperately to regain control but it wasn't happening. Alex knew that Piper kept telling her to be honest, to not hide things from her. But Alex did not want to have a panic attack in front of her, that would be showing Piper her ultimate vulnerability. She was afraid to let Piper see that, afraid that Piper would think she was too messed up, too pathetic, too far beyond help. That was the first time in a while that Alex let her anger get the better of her, that built-in instinct to protect those around her would never fade. She knew the likelihood of Robbie ever coming back was remote, but Emily's words just forced images into her mind that she couldn't erase. Images of bad things happening to Piper and Lucy. She could feel her body tingling now, could feel the tension building. She quickly stepped past Piper and into her room, she was so frustrated with herself at letting this happen again. She sat on the floor in her room and tried to calm down, but her breathing just got quicker and more shallow. She closed her eyes, but all she could see was Piper and Lucy. She opened her eyes again and just felt dizzy. She knew she wouldn't faint, but it could get damn close. Her chest hurt and she could feel blood starting to drip from her nose.
Piper rushed into the room and knelt in front of Alex, she had never seen someone have a panic attack before and she wasn't sure what to do, "Alex, are you ok?" Her breathing was out of control and she couldn't bring herself to speak, Diane was the only one that could ever bring Alex back from an attack like this.
All the noise and shouting obviously woke Lucy up, and she ran into Alex's room. Even though she was only 8 at the time, she remembers seeing Alex have attacks like this previously. She remembered the way Diane had calmed her down. Lucy grabbed Alex's hand as she sat next to Piper, "you need to put your hands on her face and get her to breathe slower." Piper immediately cupped Alex's face in her hands and gently stroked her cheeks, "Alex, can you hear me?" Alex just nodded but had her eyes closed tight, "Open your eyes baby, look at me." The way Alex was breathing was scaring Piper, she was afraid she would pass out. After a few moments, Alex opened her eyes and looked at Piper, but she was struggling to focus. "Baby I need you to try and calm down, slow down your breathing."
Alex could feel herself starting to feel more faint, but forced herself to focus on Piper and Lucy. She squeezed Lucy's hand to try and reassure her, she did not want her sister seeing her like this. Lucy kept holding onto Alex's hand and started rubbing her arm, "I know you can do it Ally." Alex smiled through the grimace on her face. It took a while but eventually she started to calm down, "that's good Alex, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."
"I feel really dizzy Pipes."
"What can I do?"
"Just stay here." Piper kept stroking Alex's face and started running her hands through Alex's hair, which was now sweaty. Lucy rushed off to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water, which she gave to Piper, "you need to help her with it."
Piper took the water from Lucy and held it towards Alex, whose hands were still shaking too much to hold it on her own, "thanks guys." Lucy wrapped her arms around Alex's mid-section and hugged her, resting her head against Alex's chest. Alex put her hand in Lucy's hair, "I'm sorry you saw that kid."
"I'm not a baby Alex, I can help too. I've seen this happen to you before remember"
"You're right." The dizziness had finally gone away, leaving Alex exhausted. The blood from her nose had dripped down her face and neck and soaked into her t-shirt. Lucy handed Piper a face towel to clean up the blood. Piper tenderly touched the towel to Alex's nose, "does it hurt?"
"No, the doctor said it's just because of high blood pressure during the attack. " Piper ran the towel over Alex's nose and mouth, and then down her neck. She then leaned into Alex and kissed her on the lips, "you sure you're ok?"
"Yeah, I'm ok now. Just tired. Sorry Piper."
"You need to stop apologising for stuff like this Alex, it happens to a lot of people. But I am going to ask you to see a doctor, please."
Alex just nodded her head, "yeah, I will. I love you."
A/N
Hi folks,
This will be my last update for a few weeks over the holiday season. As always, keen to hear your thoughts.
Cheers.