Chapter 5

Demi's POV

Another day of filming... it was even more serious and scary today.

The fact that everybody was going to watch this in a few weeks, it felt weird that I was admitting that I had still quite recently cut myself and purged since treatment.

I mean yeah, it was good I was letting it out... but I still hate this feeling of guilt, the fact that I HAVE purged and cut myself SINCE I LEFT TREATMENT.

That's not what I want to tell my fans.

I want them to be proud of me, not feel ashamed.

But at the same time, it feels good that I'm letting them know that they're not alone.

It's good that even though I'm still trying to stay strong, at least my fans can feel that they're not the only ones who suffer, meaning they will feel less bad about themselves... and just learn to accept that it's okay to be unhappy. And when I say okay, it's actually quite normal. You can't help being depressed if you're not the one who made yourself like that. If you have a reason to be unhappy, then you need to face it.

But that's what I believe anyway.

I love them all so much and to be honest... I don't think they realise how much they mean to me and how much they have helped me.

I nearly wanted to die, and they stopped that.

I mean I never really thought about suicide, but I knew that if I had cut myself too far then I would not have cared. I would have just stared at it, and let it kill me slowly.

But I don't want to feel like that anymore. No, I want to be healthy and happy.

And with my friends, family and fans by my side... I will literally rise like a skyscraper, away from all the shame, hate and misery.

From now on I can't let people get me down, because I know they're just jealous of my success and want to make me miserable because they're miserable themselves.

Anyway, aside the whole documentary thing... I am having real trouble trying to get the kiss out of my head. I can't stop thinking about it now that I know it's the problem.

Well, I've always known it was the problem, but it's become more clear... knowing that I can't see him yet otherwise I may just break down again.

I've also noticed mom has been more worried about than usual, which confuses me slightly since I have been a lot better than I was. I mean I'm not feeling amazing, but I'm feeling good.

So why is she worrying?

Has she got something on her mind?

Was she planning something?

It sounds strange, but it really feels like she's hiding something from me...

and she never hides anything from me.

Well, I may as well ask her when I get back to the family home.

I've been staying with my parents this past couple of weeks because of filming the documentary. It seemed much easier, considering the treatment centre wasn't far from here.

I get in my land rover car, and plug the keys in the ignition. I wave to everyone goodnight from the studio as I began moving the car out of my parking space.

I decided to put the radio on.

When funnily enough, Nick came on.

I wanted to turn it off, but I couldn't straight away.

It was my favourite song off his album... I must have left Radio Disney on by accident.

It was Olive And An Arrow.

Why was it my favourite?

Because it was a really encouraging song... I don't know.

It felt like a heartwarming song and it really just got to me for some reason.

It was encouraging because it was about true love... and I believe that true love still exists.

I think it was also about someone special to Nick.

It may sound stupid, but I always wondered if it could have been about me.

Stronger and Who I Am are my other favourite songs off the album.

I also love Stay, but that never made the album sadly.

I think Nick had planned to make a studio version, but never got round to it.

I did hear that Joe, Kevin & Nick could be making a new album soon so maybe that will make the album.

Holy crap why am I thinking all this?

I turned off the song. I couldn't listen anymore.

After 20 minutes or so of driving, I arrived at my parents' house.

As I walked in I could smell mom was making something real good.

Was it my favourite? Chicken fajitas?

Sure smelled like it. I loved it when mom made mexican food.

But this makes me even more suspicious... she must have bad news or something to tell me so she's making fajitas to make up for it.

What the hell did she need to tell me?

Okay calm it Demi, she might just been making it specially just for tonight.

But why tonight? That's the question.

Ugh, just go in Demi and chill.

I got my keys out of my bag and turned them into the lock.

I opened the door to find mom setting the table for me, dad and I'm presuming Dallas and Madison.

She smiled her usual gentle smile, "Hi darling, good to see you're back. How's the documentary going?"

I smiled back at her warmly, "It's great thanks mom. How was your day?"

"Oh good, yes... very good."

She looked slightly tense. Huh, asking her seemed to make her uncomfortable. I tried to eye her, but she wasn't budging for weakness yet.

"Great. Anything interesting happen... at all?"

Mom then looked at me, like she knew I was trying to squeeze out anything that she was hiding from me.

She sighed, "Goddamn I can't get anything past you can I?"

I shrugged and crossed my arms, "I know you too well."

"Well, you see... there is something that I was hoping I could tell you another time instead of now. It's something that you're going to find hard to take in, considering you're really stubborn right now and..."

I gasped, realising what she was implying.

It was about Nick, wasn't it.

I knew she was hiding something big!

Oh god, why does she want to talk about Nick again?

She looked at me with a slight scared look on her face, "Please don't hate me sweetie..."

"Why are you bringing up Nick again mom?"

"I'm sorry darling but I really think you should talk to him."

"Why mom? I'm not ready yet..."

"No darling, I think you are. You need to face him. You're just hiding away now sweetie."

"Mom! I can make my own decisions." I was slightly irritated now.

Okay, maybe more than slightly.

Then dad came in, "Whoa whoa... what's going on here?"

I frowned at my mom, angered. She looked at dad and her expression calmed.

"Nothing darling, me and Demi are just having a chat."

"Are you sure? I thought I heard Demi raise her voice."

I sighed, "Look dad... mom wants me to talk to Nick. What do you think of this situation?"

Dad sighed himself, looking down at the floor shaking his head.

"Dianna... didn't I tell you she would freak?"

"Eddie, you know I'm right."

How was she right? No, she's not right.

"How, mom?"

"Because you're not fixing the issue by ignoring him Demi." Her voice was very firm then, just when she was starting to get angry.

"I'm not ignoring him, I'm leaving the past behind."

"Are you Demi, are you really?"

"Mom."

It was Dallas' turn to speak out of nowhere.

Mom turned to Dallas, slightly surprised she spoke.

"Yes?"

"Let Demi decide mom."