Chapter 12 – lonely birthdays and therapy

Over the next week, Danny pulled some strings to get Alex into seeing a psychiatrist. She was meant to be going in a few weeks for her first appointment, and it was making her extremely nervous. She was sitting on Nicky's balcony, rolling herself another joint. Right now, she just needed to take her mind off things, she just wanted to be with her best friend and forget about her problems. They had been sitting on the balcony smoking pot for an hour, Alex's mind was finally starting to haze over, her mind was letting go of its anxiety and living in the moment.

Alex finished rolling the joint, inhaled and passed it to Nicky, "this whole shrink thing is scaring the shit outta me Nick."

"Look, my mum loved sending me to shrinks when I was a kid, it's not that bad. Anything's gotta be better than panic attacks right?" Nicky didn't want to say it, but she was worried about the return of Alex's panic attacks. The last time this happened, Alex's drug use skyrocketed, even for Nicky. The only thing stopping her from doing that again was Piper. Nicky knew Piper was having her own issues at the moment with her parents, and she couldn't save Alex every time. Alex needed to be willing to put some effort into saving herself.

Alex didn't respond, she was desperate to shut her mind down, and this was the only way she knew how. She didn't have to drive home, so she made no attempt at curbing her smoking. She picked up Nicky's pocket knife from the balcony table and started playing with the blade, flicking it open and closed. She had never seriously self-harmed, but so many times she wished she could do it to herself.

Nicky leaned over and took the knife from Alex. Just as Nicky took the knife, Alex's phone started to ring, it was Emily. Alex just looked at her phone blankly, not answering, "you ever gonna answer her calls?"

Again, Alex didn't respond, she just kept staring off into nothing, "you ok Vause?"

Alex looked at Nicky this time, "yeah, just trying to relax."

Nicky decided to change the subject, "And how are things with blondie?"

"Good, too good. But she worries too much, maybe I worry too much," Alex laughs to herself, "I'm in too deep now, if she leaves, I'm fucked." And deep down, that was Alex's true fear. She had shown Piper all her vulnerability, she came to rely on Piper, she loved her. Alex looked forward to seeing her every day, hugging her, just lying next to her at the end of the day. If it ended now, it would be a long way back for Alex. But she didn't even really care about that, for the first time in her life. Piper felt so good, it was worth any risk, this is the first time Alex had something to lose aside from her mum, Lucy and Nicky. But the anxiety made it so tempting to fall back into old drug habits, no amount of pot compared to heroin. Alex managed to pull herself up and go to the fridge to grab some beers, if she was going to keep away from heroin right now, she needed more than just pot.

Another couple of hours went by with more drinking and smoking. Both girls were now asleep in Nicky's bed, feeling the effects of their day. Nicky woke up first, around 7pm, to the sound of Alex's phone ringing, it was Piper, "Hey blondie, I thought you'd never call!" Nicky looked over to Alex, who was still out to it.

"Hi Nicky, just checking what you guys are doing tonight?"

"Well right now I'm in bed with your woman, after that, who know what we'll do." After Nicky had her fun tormenting Piper, they chatted for a bit and decided Piper would come join them, she arrived 20 minutes later. Nicky let her in and led her to the bedroom where Alex was still sleeping. Nicky went back onto the balcony and Piper laid next to Alex, pulling her close until their faces were nearly touching. Alex wriggled her body against Piper's and kept sleeping, Piper leaned in and kissed Alex gently on the lips, wanting her to wake up. Slowly, Alex opened her eyes and smiled, "hey Pipes."

"Hey Al, big day huh?" Piper said with a small smile. She could smell the pot and beer on Alex, she knew Alex had probably been smoking pot with Nicky all afternoon. She knew Alex only smoked that much if something was bothering her, so she spoke again, "everything ok?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"You seem to forget that I know all your tricks Vause, do I need to ask again?"

Alex rolled her eyes at Piper, "I'm just nervous about this shrink stuff, and fucking Emily won't stop calling me, it's creeping me out."

"It's totally normal to be nervous about seeing a therapist for the first time, but just make sure you give it a chance. As for Emily, maybe we should just have lunch with her, see what the hell she wants."

"We?" Alex asked with a raised brow.

"Yes Alex, we. I don't trust her, I'm not leaving you alone with her. The idea just….it just makes me picture you in that hospital bed."

"I know, sorry Pipes. Next time she calls, I'll answer, get it over with."

The two girls just kept lying on the bed, not needing to speak, enjoying being tangled in each other with nowhere to be.

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Piper's 23rd birthday was approaching and she still hadn't talked to her parents since their fight, but knew she needed to take the higher ground and phone them. She worked up the courage and called her mum on her lunch break, "Hi mum, it's Piper."

"Hello Piper, how have you been?" Carol's voice was perfectly polite but very cold.

"I've been good, my writing is going really well and work is keeping me busy. How are you?"

"Yes very good dear."

"I was calling to see if you'd like to have a family get together since my birthday is coming up."

"You know ordinarily we would, but your father's just been so busy lately."

"Too busy to see me for my birthday?"

"Come on now Piper. Are you still with that person?"

"Alex mum, her name is Alex, and yes, we're still together."

"I see." There was an awkward silence until Piper spoke again.

"I love her mum, she's not going anywhere from my life."

There was silence for a few moments before Carol spoke again, "Look, why don't you come for lunch this weekend, I'm sure your father can make some time." And with that, the conversation ended. It probably wouldn't be the warmest family lunch, but it was a step in the right direction.

The rest of Piper's shift dragged on, finally finishing at 5pm. She headed home but really didn't feel like being alone. Alex was at work but she knew Diane and Lucy would be home. She knocked on the door to the Vause apartment, Diane answered the door, "Hi Piper, come in. Alex will be at work for a few more hours, but you're just in time to help us with baking muffins for Lucy to take to school tomorrow. Of course, so far it's been me doing the baking and Lucy mucking around in her room." Diane smiled at Piper, but could sense something was wrong.

"Everything ok?"

Piper didn't want to blubber about the situation, but she needed to talk about it, "Not really."

"Talk to me sweetie." Diane stepped next to Piper and put an arm around her shoulders.

"It's my birthday in a couple weeks."

"Ahh yes don't worry I won't forget. Alex won't stop talking about it."

Piper smiled at this, "I called my mum today, we usually have a family lunch or dinner to celebrate birthdays. I practically had to twist her arm to get her to agree to see me this year." Piper choked back her tears.

"I'm sorry Piper. I assume this has something to do with Alex?"

"It has everything to do with Alex. My parents won't accept the relationship, but I really thought they would still actually want to see me on my birthday. My mum was so cold on the phone, like she didn't even care. They won't even give it a chance, it's so unfair. Alex is everything to me, she's the only person that's ever understood the real me, encouraged me to write and be myself. But that means nothing to my parents."

"I'm sorry sweetie, these things can take some time. But look, this is still a good sign that they've agreed to lunch."

Piper knew Diane was right, but she couldn't help wishing Carol was more like Diane, "it didn't take you any time to accept Alex."

"Yeah, well, putting up with Alex and Nicky growing up together can put things in perspective."

Piper just smiled, but she couldn't stop the sadness inside her.

"I know I'm not your mother Piper, but like I've said to you before, you'll always have a place here with us. And I'm sure if your parents just saw you and Alex together, they'd see how in love you guys are."

"Yeah, well I hope you're right, because I'm bringing her with me to lunch."

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The weekend rolled around quickly, and Alex was extremely nervous about Piper's birthday lunch, "Pipes, are you sure I should be coming? I feel like this could end badly, like, really badly."

Piper finished putting on her makeup and turned to face Alex, "I don't care, I'm not going without you. They need to learn to accept me for who I am, if they can't do that…." Piper didn't want to finish the sentence. Alex walked over to her, pulling her into a hug, "well, let's do this."

Piper drove them to her parents house in Connecticut, they were silent for most of the drive. Piper was so nervous, but determined to stand up for herself, and for Alex. They finally pulled into the Chapman's driveway, sitting there for a while, "ready Pipes?"

Piper looked into Alex's green eyes, and found the reassurance she was looking for, that was all the courage she needed to step out of the car. She took hold of Alex's hand and led her to the front door. Alex was taken aback by the size of the house, "shit, no wonder they think I'm a waste of space."

"Don't say that Alex." Piper hated it when Alex put herself down.

"Sorry Pipes, bad joke." They were standing at the front door, Piper wasn't moving, so Alex pushed the doorbell. Danny opened the door with a huge smile on his face, "Hello ladies, and happy birthday baby sister!" Danny kissed Piper on the cheek and gave them both hugs, before leading them into the house. Piper's younger brother Cal was overseas for the next 6 months, so it was just Danny and Piper's parents. Danny led them into a very large dining area where Carol and Bill were standing. As soon as they realised Piper wasn't alone, the room was filled with an awkward silence, which Danny finally broke, "So, I was thinking we could head down to Fishbone since that's Piper's favourite, then head somewhere else for dessert?"

The room stayed silent until Carol spoke, "Piper, we didn't think you'd be bringing your friend along."

Piper linked her hand with Alex's before responding, "you know she's not my friend mum, she's my girlfriend."

"Really Piper, this is completely inappropriate." While Carol kept talking, Bill stood next to her, completely silent. Piper needed to know what he thought, "Aren't you going to say anything?" Bill just looked at her, disappointment thick in his eyes, "I'm sorry Piper, but I just can't stand here and pretend everything is ok."

Piper felt the tears burn in her eyes, "why isn't this ok?"

"You know why Piper. You've been given every opportunity in life, you could do anything you want. We feel like you're throwing your life away."

"How can you say that? I'm in love with an incredibly kind and generous person who would do anything for me. She's already put herself on the line just to protect me, how is that throwing my life away?"

Bill signed, "Love isn't enough Piper, what about security?"

This whole time Alex stood silently next to Piper, holding her hand. She knew she could make Piper happy, she would do anything for her, treat her better than any rich asshole the Chapman's tried to set her up with.

Piper stood there shaking her head, "you don't get it, I don't want to be someone's trophy wife." She let go of Alex's hand as she stepped closer to Carol, "that's what you did, right mum? You married for security, and where did it get you? It got you leading a miserable life, where your husband kept cheating on you but you just kept turning the other cheek because hey, at least you had security." Carol looked infuriated, her eyes boring into Piper's. Without warning, Carol backhanded her daughter hard across the face, the stone of one of her rings tearing into Piper's face, leaving a cut from the corner of her mouth to the outside of her cheek. Piper immediately raised her hand to her face, feeling the warm blood run between her fingers. Alex bolted to Piper, immediately cupping her face, "Fuck, Pipes, let me see," Alex then turned towards Carol, "What the fuck is wrong with you! Is that how you treat your daughter?" But Piper couldn't believe what had just happened, her parents didn't even move, they both just stood there in shock. Piper just buried her face in Alex's shoulder and cried. Alex wrapped her arms around Piper and held her tight, she was disgusted by what she had just seen, and her only concern was taking care of her girlfriend, "shhh, it's ok Pipes, I've got you. I think we should go." Alex just kept holding onto Piper as she cried, gently rubbing her back.

Danny was now standing next to them, he looked shocked, "Piper, let me look."

"No!" Piper brushed him away, refusing to leave the comfort of Alex's embrace. "Sorry Danny, but I have to go." With that Piper took Alex's hand and practically dragged her out of the house, Danny walked after them while Carol and Bill didn't move. Once they were in the front yard Alex forced Piper to stop, looking into her blue eyes, "just let Danny take a look ok, make sure you don't need stitches." Alex kissed her forehead and looked to Danny, who still looked shocked. Piper finally let him look at her cheek, "Shit, I can't believe mum just did that. Piper, I didn't think that would happen."

"It's fine Danny, it's not your fault. At least I know where I stand now." Danny finished looking at Piper's cut, which was still bleeding, "you don't need stitches, but it's still pretty bad. Let me clean it up."

"No, I just need to leave. I love you Danny." Piper hugged her brother before getting into the car. Alex led her to the passenger side and drove them home. "Talk to me Pipes."

Piper still had tears in her eyes, she had no words for her girlfriend just yet. The drive back home was mostly silent. There was blood running down Piper's cheek but she wouldn't let Alex clean it up, it's like Piper wanted to make sure she felt the pain. Make sure she didn't forget this feeling, forget what her parents had done. The two girls made it back home, and Alex led Piper back to the Vause apartment. Diane was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper when they walked in. She looked up to see Piper's face, and Alex protectively holding onto her, "what the fuck happened?" Diane stood up and immediately walked over to Piper, looking at her face. Most of the blood had dried, but the cut still looked painful. Piper didn't respond, she just looked at Diane in silence. Alex led Piper to a kitchen chair and sat her down, then got her a glass of water. Diane went to the bathroom and collected a towel and warm water, the same routine she had gone through so many times in the past to clean up Alex's face after a fight, except this time was different. Piper was not a violent person, and Diane was pretty sure Piper hadn't been the one to start this fight. Alex stood behind Piper and gently kissed the top of her head, lightly rubbing her shoulders. Diane sat in front of Piper to clean up the blood, "Sorry sweetie, this will hurt a bit." Diane took the damp towel and slowly started to clean the cut on Piper's face, causing her to wince, "sorry baby, nearly done." Diane finished cleaning the cut, then looked to her daughter, "what happened?"

Alex explained the situation to Diane, Piper didn't say anything. Diane didn't know what to say, she had never seen Piper like this. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that Piper." Piper still didn't say anything, when Diane looked into her eyes all she saw was a deep sadness. She kept herself seated in front of Piper, she needed to get through to her, "Listen to me sweetie, I know what it's like to be rejected by your parents. I already told you my parents kicked me out when they found out I was pregnant with Alex. But I do know it gets better over time, and things can still get better with your parents."

Piper spoke quietly, "I'm not sure I want them to get better."

Diane took Piper hands in her own, "you need to do what's best for you. But Piper, never doubt yourself. You are so smart, and beautiful, and you're a wonderful person. Lucy loves you, and you look after her without a second thought. I love you too Piper, I love seeing you with Alex, you make each other whole. Plus, anyone that can put up with Alex deserves a medal." Piper slowly cracked a smile.

"Hey, I'm not that bad." Alex was relieved to see the smile creep across Piper's face.

Diane kept talking, "you know you are welcome here with us anytime, I want you here. Don't you fucking dare buy into any of the bulshit your parents said today. And we will make sure you have an amazing birthday." After a few moments Piper got up to go to Alex's room. Diane grabbed Alex's hand before she could follow, "that girl needs you Alex, look after her."

"I will mum." Alex walked into her room to find Piper sitting on the bed. Alex sat next to her and gently ran her fingers through Piper's blonde hair, careful not to touch the cut, "I think I understand now what you meant when you said you hated seeing me get hurt. I really fucking hated seeing you get hurt today, with what your parents said to you and when your mum hit you. When I saw the blood, all I wanted to do was take the pain away. I promise I'll always look after you Piper, no matter what. It's my turn now to look after you." Alex leaned in to kiss Piper, still so careful to not hurt her cheek.

Piper sighed into the kiss and leaned her head against Alex's chest, "Thanks Al, will you hold me tonight?"

Alex just smirked at this, "you don't have to ask, pretty sure I cuddle you every night. And if I'm not cuddling you it's because Lucy's in my bed kicking the shit out of me while she sleeps." Piper laughed, Alex could always make her laugh. "I just really need you to hold onto me tonight Alex, you're the only one that makes me feel safe anymore."

"We look out for each other right? That's what you told your parents, I'll always protect you Piper." Alex kissed her before pulling off Piper's t-shirt and slowly unclasping her bra. She then pulled Piper up and slowly took off her jeans, leaving her in her black underwear. Alex got one of her own t-shirts and put in on Piper to sleep in. Alex then took off her own clothes and got into the bed against the wall. She lifted the sheet to invite Piper in, as Piper slipped into the bed Alex put her arm around her waist and pulled Piper close to her. She moved Piper's hair and kissed her neck, "I promise I won't let go all night."

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Even with Alex holding onto her all night, Piper couldn't sleep properly, she just kept thinking about what her parents had said to her, how neither of them moved after her mum hit her. It was early in the morning, but Alex had to leave for work as she was opening the café that day. Alex woke up at 5am and pulled Piper close to her again, "did you get any sleep?"

"Not much," Piper just nuzzled her head into Alex's chest, she wasn't ready to face the world.

"Then try and go back to sleep now, stay here as long as you like. I'll see you tonight." Alex kissed Piper before she got out of bed, quickly got dressed and rushed out the door. Piper tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn't relax on her own. It was close to 6am when Lucy walked into the room, Piper assumed she was looking for Alex, "Hi Luce, Alex has already gone to work."

Lucy didn't seem to acknowledge what Piper said, and instead walked into the room and got into the bed with Piper, "Can I stay with you? I don't feel like being alone"

"Sure," Piper was happy for the company, she didn't feel like being alone either. Lucy got into the bed and looked at Piper's face, noticing the cut on her cheek. The young girl frowned, "What happened?"

Piper didn't see any point in lying to Lucy, she could smell a lie from a mile away, "I….I had an argument with my parents."

"And they cut you?" Lucy looked horrified.

"Not on purpose, it was an accident. But it's ok, Alex was with me, she looked after me."

Lucy went on to ask Piper a million questions – what was the fight about? Did it hurt? Did Alex start the fight? Piper answered as best as she could, she wanted to be honest with Lucy. Eventually the questions stopped, "I know they're your parents, but I don't want you to go back there. Just stay here with us, I don't want anyone to hurt you." This made Piper smile, in the last 6 months she had grown so close to Lucy, she was starting to feel like her own sister. Both of them were tired, Piper wrapped her arms around Lucy and they both drifted back to sleep.

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It was still a week until Piper's actual birthday and Alex wanted to make sure the blonde had a great day. She had no money, so she'd need to think of another way to make it special. Right now, Alex was feeling extremely nervous as she waited to see the psychiatrist for the first time. After a short wait, she was finally led into another room for her session, "Hi Alex, my name is Kerry, take a seat." Alex looked the therapist up and down, she looked about 40 and had short brown hair. She was wearing a black skirt and black v-neck. Alex sat down on the couch and said nothing, she knew Danny had done her a favour by getting her this appointment, but she was not in the mood to talk about her feelings to a complete stranger.

"So Alex, tell me why you're here."

Alex just rolled her eyes, "Don't you already know that?"

"Well I have some basic information, but I always prefer to talk to my patients about this, rather than just rely on a file."

"I'm here because my mum and girlfriend wanted me to come."

"Ok, and did you want to come?"

"Not really."

"That's completely normal Alex, I understand that you've been through a lot, I want to help you. The first step can be especially difficult for young people that have experienced physical and sexual abuse."

These words made Alex freeze, she gritted her teeth and balled her hands into fists, "I was not sexually abused." She just could not listen to those words, she could not bring herself to accept those things that Robbie did to her.

"It's ok Alex, these things take time, that's why you're here. This type of abuse can take a long time to process."

Alex couldn't listen to this anymore, she could feel that familiar pain in her chest and the panic setting in. She could feel herself starting to sweat, she had to get out of there. She didn't even register what she was doing as she got up and ran out of that room, out of the building and into the street. She knew she wasn't far from Nicky's apartment, she could be there in 15 minutes if she kept running. Her chest started hurting more, she felt like she was going to throw up but she kept running. She didn't really know why she was running, she was afraid of something, trying to get away from it. Her lungs were burning by the time she got to Nicky's, she started banging her fists on the door, "Nicky! It's Alex, let me in!" Eventually Nicky opened the door, "Fuck Vause, what's going on?"

Alex burst through the front door and got on her knees, her breathing was out of control, "I need something Nick, please….please."

Nicky knew what Alex wanted, but she wasn't sure she should give it to her, "are you sure? Come on man, you've been doing really good lately, what if we just have some beers and talk." Nicky knelt next to Alex and rubbed her back.

Alex could feel the tears stinging her eyes, she couldn't take this pain anymore, the tears started falling from her eyes and hitting the floor, "I can't do this Nicky, please." Alex couldn't stop the tears, and she buried her face in Nicky's wild hair as she desperately hung onto her. Nicky pulled Alex into her lap, they were still sitting on the floor, "Ok Alex, hey, it's ok, I got you." After a few more minutes on the floor, Nicky spoke again, "I'll get you a bump, that will help you relax."

"No, I need more than a bump Nick."

Nicky could see the pain in Alex's eyes, but she had to draw the line, "No Alex, I'm not letting you inject anything, any amount. Diane and Piper would fucking kill me. Let's just do some bumps ok, I don't even have needles anyway." Nicky got up to get her stash, she placed the small tin on her kitchen table along with a couple beers. She pulled Alex off the floor and sat her in a kitchen chair, handing her a beer, which Alex sipped slowly, "Here's the deal, we do some bumps, then you tell me what the hell is going on?"

Alex would have said yes to anything at this point, "deal." Nicky opened the small tin and placed a small amount of heroin on her thumb, which she quickly inhaled. She passed it to Alex, who did the same, with a desperate look on her face. She went to do more when Nicky grabbed her hand, "not yet." Nicky led Alex into her room, where they both lay on the bed. Alex placed her head on Nicky's stomach as she looked up at the ceiling, like she had done so many times before. Nicky could tell the drugs were kicking in, Alex already looked calmer. Both girls snorted more heroin, then Nicky started talking, "So what happened Vause?"

Alex just kept staring at the ceiling, "that fucking therapist, she kept going on about how I'd been sexually abused, I just couldn't fucking listen to it. All I could see was the same fucking pictures in my head of when he'd get on top of me and…. I couldn't fucking move."

"And then you put yourself in a shit situation to make sure he'd be out of the house, you're fucking brave Alex."

"Then why do I feel so weak? I felt fine until that fucking therapy session, I can't be fucking falling apart right now. Piper is having a rough time at the moment, I need to keep it together to support her. She's always scraping me off the floor, holding me together, she'll get sick of it eventually."

Nicky took hold of Alex's hand, "that's where you're wrong Vause, stop putting yourself down." Alex didn't respond, she took another bump and went to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror, her eyes were red and swollen and her hair was a mess. She leant against the closed door and slid to the floor. That last bump was really kicking in, and Alex had completely lost touch with reality. She needed to feel something else, something other than the emotional pain that was killing her. She needed to stop the worry about Robbie still being out there, and Emily who wouldn't stop calling her. In the corner of her eye, she noticed Nicky's pocket knife next to the sink. Alex leaned over and grabbed the knife, flicking it open. It's like she wasn't even aware of her next movements, as she unzipped her jeans and slid them down to her knees. She took the knife and started running it along her inner thigh. Then, without even thinking, she pushed harder until the knife cut into her skin and she dragged it across her thigh. "Fuck" she thought to herself, it hurt, but it was also a relief. She wiped the knife clean and pulled her jeans back up before she went back to Nicky's room.

A/N

Hi folks,

Hope everyone enjoyed the holidays J

It won't always be bad for Alex, things will get better for her, but I feel the reality is that life is very up and down. So Alex will have good days, and bad ones, she's a teenager having a tough time so nothing is straight forward. Thanks again to those have followed, favd and reviewed.

Cheers.