Chapter 18 – try again

Alex sat nervously in the small waiting room, she had been putting this off for a long time, but she couldn't avoid it any longer. Even though Robbie was in remand, she was still having nightmares, and still having panic attacks. Deep down Alex knew she needed help, but a part of her felt nauseous at the idea of speaking to a therapist about her problems, of admitting she had problems she needed help with. There were some things she had never openly said to another human being, she didn't even know how she would react to saying certain things to another person. She had tried to be open with Piper, and there were many nights where they lay tangled together on the couch talking about how they each dealt with their emotions. But Alex hadn't been brave enough to tell Piper everything, to tell her some of the thoughts she used to have, some of the things she used to wish she was brave enough to do. Another part of Alex didn't want to be completely open with her therapist out of fear that they'd decide she shouldn't be looking after Lucy. So many different thoughts were running through her head, she couldn't separate them all. But it hadn't even been persuasion from Piper that convinced Alex to accept Danny's offer for a rescheduled appointment, it was Diane. It was a conversation that both scared her and made her want to better herself for Diane. There were snippets of that conversation that would be forever etched in Alex's memory.

I've seen you at your worst sweetie, after you met your dad, after I found you in the car, I didn't know what to do. You were so broken, for so long after that you just weren't yourself. I was so scared Alex, for a while there I thought I might lose you. But I knew how fucking tough and stubborn you could be, and I don't know how, but you came through the other side. And now, with everything that's happened with Robbie, I can't actually believe it. I brought him into my home, with my two daughters, and he abused my trust. I let you down, but I need to move past that. After you came back from the hospital I was so worried. You'd already been through so much, more than a lot of people go through in a lifetime. And I thought, fuck, my baby might be even more broken this time. When you started having the panic attacks again, it scared me Alex. That hadn't happened since after you met your dad. It wasn't easy for you, I know it's still not, but I know that the fact you had Piper made a big difference. She helped you a lot, more than I ever could on my own. But you still need something more sweetie, even with me and Piper here. I want you to call Danny and tell him you'll go to the new appointment, no running away this time ok? I know it's scary, but I need you Ally, I need to know you're ok. So please just try one more time, for me ok?"

Alex could not get it out of her head, the look on Diane's face throughout that conversation. Her eyes never left Alex's, she was being serious. Before Alex could dwell on her mum anymore, she heard her name, "come on through Alex." Alex got out of her chair, wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans as she followed. She sat on the small couch and looked back at the psychiatrist she had run out on the last time. The session started regularly enough, they discussed what happened at the last appointment, and how Alex had been feeling since Robbie's arrest. They spoke about Alex's relationship with her family, the nightmares and panic attacks. Then came the bit that Alex didn't know how to handle, the abuse discussion.

"I know this topic was really hard for you last time Alex, so I promise we're going to take it as slow as you need. Your anxiety is linked to many different occurrences, some we've been discussing today, but there's another big link here that we haven't spoken about yet today, and that's what Robbie did to you. Now at any point, if this gets too much for you, just say the word and we will stop that line of conversation immediately. Ok?"

Alex couldn't bring herself to look her therapist, Kerry, in the eye, and just kept looking at her hands as she fidgeted, "ok."

Kerry smiled, she seemed genuine, but that didn't make Alex any less scared, "tell me how it all started."

Alex kept looking at her hands, she grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and tried to unpick the stitching, she never looked up, "he hated the fact I'm gay, I never kept it a secret, everyone knows, mum always supported me."

Alex stopped and there was silence from Kerry, she wasn't going to interrupt Alex just yet, "so, yeah, whenever we were alone, he always let me know he didn't like it. Said he would never understand why I spent all my time chasing girls."

Alex paused, but again, Kerry said nothing, wanting to let Alex talk freely, "he….he just started making weird comments, he'd say I was beautiful, say I should be nicer to him. I….I know I haven't always been the easiest kid to deal with, I haven't exactly always followed the rules, I'd drink a lot, get home late a lot. I got home late one night, and fuck, he got so mad, started yelling and swearing at me."

Alex focussed harder on her hands, desperately trying to undo the stitching of her t-shirt. This next part was the hardest, her chest hurt, but she wasn't going to run away this time. There was something so different about this setting. It wasn't like giving evidence to the police, this wasn't just about the cold hard facts, this was about human emotion, this was about consequence and acknowledgement, this was hard.

"You just go at your own pace here Alex, take your time."

Alex sighed deeply before she spoke again, "he….he put his hands under my top, he touched my chest. I was so fucking drunk, I didn't know what was going on. Then, he said I should be nicer to him, keep him occupied before my little sister got older. Fuck, I froze, the idea of him doing anything to Lucy, I couldn't take it. I tried to pull away from him, asshole just kicked me and I hit the ground."

"You're doing really well Alex, are you ok to keep going?"

Alex just nodded, briefly raising her head to look at the woman across from her.

"How did things progress?"

Alex's voice was barely above a whisper at this point, "he just got more violent, but only when we were alone, and he never left marks where mum could see them. He….he'd always make comments about Lucy, that if I didn't shut up he'd do something to her. I tried to fight back…"

The emotions were starting to get the better of Alex and she was desperately trying to hold back her tears.

"That's ok Alex, we can leave it there for today. This has been a really good start, you've done really well to start this difficult conversation. Look, I'd like to see you again, do you want to set up another appointment?"

Alex felt a kind of strange relief at having opened up to Kerry, even if it was just a little bit. Yes she wanted another appointment, but she had no way of paying for it, "let me think about it ok, thanks."

Alex caught the bus home thinking about the session, and how yet again money would stop her dead in her tracks. It was early afternoon on a Thursday, Diane was at work, and Alex still had a few hours before she needed to pick up Lucy. But she really didn't feel like being alone right now, she wanted Piper.

Alex walked into her apartment and was relieved to see Piper at the kitchen table. Piper had one more week to get all her stuff out of her old apartment, and was trying to organise the last few bits and pieces. Piper walked over to Alex as soon as she walked through the door, gently taking her hand, "how did it go Al?"

Before Alex said anything, she wrapped her arms around Piper's neck and pulled her in close, "it was hard. Please just cuddle with me for a bit? I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

Piper ran the back of her fingers over Alex's cheek, relieved she sat through the whole session, "of course, and you don't have to tell me anything. Come on, let's relax in bed until it's time to get Lucy. Like so many times before, Piper led Alex into the bedroom and they both kicked off their shoes before getting in the bed. Piper snuggled up behind Alex and pulled her into a hug, kissing the back of her neck, "why don't you see if you can take a nap? I'll wake you up when it's time to go."

Alex closed her eyes and melted into Piper's embrace. This was exactly what she needed right now, to feel safe and protected, surrounded by her girlfriend's arms.

0-0-0-0-0

It was just the three younger girls at home for dinner that night, with Diane pulling a double shift. Alex and Lucy were doing the dishes when Piper's phone rang, she took it out of her pocket and had to look twice when she saw the caller, dad.

Her heart skipped a beat, she hadn't spoken to her parents in months, "hey dad."

"Hi Piper," Bill Chapman's voice sounded hesitant and relieved at the same time.

"It's really good to hear from you, it's been a long time."

"I know Piper. It was a big shock the last time your mother and I saw you and, well, she is still struggling with the situation. But I want to see you. What if I come by your apartment this weekend?"

Piper didn't see any point in trying to avoid the truth about her new living arrangements, "actually, I've moved in with Alex."

There was a moment of silence before Bill spoke again, "Oh….well, how about I meet you somewhere for lunch? What about Lena's?"

Piper was so relieved, she was starting to think she'd never speak to her dad again. She also felt nervous, which seemed ridiculous. This was her dad after all, but she didn't know how he'd react to her relationship with Alex. Things had gotten a lot more serious since the last time she saw him. Alex wasn't some passing phase, she was a permanent fixture in Piper's life, and they loved each other. She wasn't surprised that it was her dad that called her, her mother was never one to admit any wrong doing. Besides, she had always been closer to her dad, he had always been very protective of her.

Piper couldn't sleep that night, all she could think about was seeing her dad on the weekend. She couldn't stop imagining how it would all pan out, kept fantasising that he would accept Alex and become a part of their lives. Even if that was incredibly unlikely, she could still dream. She wondered whether her mother knew about their planned lunch, probably not. Carol would definitely not approve of that. Piper kept laying on her back in bed, just staring at the ceiling. For once, Alex was fast asleep with her head resting on Piper's shoulder. The feelings she had for Alex were so completely different to feelings she'd had in any other relationship. They were all consuming, it was love and want and protection, it was everything to her. Alex was worried about the lunch, she didn't want Piper to get hurt. But she knew how important it was to Piper, she just really hoped it went well.

0-0-0-0-0

The weekend came around quickly, it was Sunday morning and Piper was freaking out.

"Pipes, come on, it'll be ok. He's the one that called you, he wants to see you, that's a good thing." Piper couldn't even hear what Alex was saying, all she could think about was seeing her dad. Alex could tell Piper wasn't listening to her, "Piper, just stop for a second, look at me." Alex took hold of Piper's shoulders and forced her to stop and pay attention, "no matter what happens at lunch, I'll be right here when you're done ok? I will drop you off, I will pick you up. Doesn't matter how it goes, I'll be waiting for you in the car, with Lucy. She can tell you all about how shit I am at Jenga ok?"

Piper couldn't help but smile, "how do you always do that?"

Alex leaned in close so she could kiss Piper on the forehead, "do what?"

"Make me laugh."

Alex kissed her on the lips this time, "that's just the way it is when you love someone babe." Piper grabbed Alex's face and kissed her gently, running her tongue slowly over Alex's bottom lip. Alex always made Piper feel better, no matter what.

A few hours later Alex was driving Piper to Lena's to meet her dad. Alex pulled up outside the restaurant and took Piper's hand, "you ok?" Piper nodded, she felt like her mouth was too dry to talk. "I'll be back here at 2 o'clock ok. You'll be fine babe, I love you." Alex gave Piper one more kiss before she had to get out of the car and face her dad.

Piper walked into the restaurant and looked around, she finally spotted her dad sitting at a small table next to a window. He smiled when he saw her, she immediately felt better as she walked towards him, "hi daddy."

"Piper, I've missed you a lot." Bill hugged Piper tightly before they sat down and ordered their drinks. The first 20 minutes was a bit robotic as Bill told her how the rest of the family was going. Cal had just gotten his drivers license and Carol was spending more time at her mothers house. That didn't surprise Piper at all, her parents marriage had always been rocky, her father's indiscretions were no secret to her. But she still loved him, she couldn't help it. Then Bill said something Piper wasn't expecting, "how's Alex?"

Piper almost didn't know what to say, didn't know how honest she should be right now. She decided to start slowly and see what happened, "she's been going through a really tough time, but she's strong, she'll get through it."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I, I assume there's not much money around?"

"No, there's not. But they make it work."

"And you live with them now?"

"Yeah, it's really nice."

"Ok…"

There was an awkward silence, Piper didn't know what to say, "why didn't mum come?"

Bill sighed, "you know why Piper."

Again, silence.

"So, Alex is doing better then?"

"Yeah, but I'm worried about her." Piper didn't know if she should keep talking, but she did anyway. "She's been through a lot, she went to see a therapist last week. I think it was really good for her, but I don't think she'll go back. She wants to help her mum with the bills." Piper stopped, waiting for her dad to say something, but he didn't. He just looked at her, and waited for her to keep talking. "But she's stubborn, I want her to get better daddy, she means everything to me." Piper looked at her dad again, he looked sad, but still there was silence.

"I know this is hard to accept, but please try and understand. No, she's not rich, but she's a good person, and so is her mum and her little sister. They're all good people dad, I love all of them. We're in a serious relationship, I love her. This isn't a phase, I can't imagine ever being with someone else."

This time, Bill interrupted her, "Piper, you're young.."

Piper stopped him before he could finish, she knew exactly what he was going to say, "no dad, you can't say that to me anymore. Yeah, I'm young, but I'm still in love. And Alex is always there for me, she makes me feel safe dad, I know she'll always protect me." Piper couldn't stop her eyes welling with tears, she felt like this was the part where her dad would get up and leave. Just go back to Connecticut and maybe they'd have lunch again in another 6 months.

"Ok, ok Piper. I just worry about you. Look, you know I won't be able to see you very often, so at least let me help you out with some money."

Part of Piper desperately wanted to say yes to the money, it would take the pressure off Diane and she could help pay for Alex's therapy sessions. But she didn't think there was any hope of either Vause accepting the money.

"I'll think about it, I'm not sure." The rest of their lunch went by without anymore awkwardness. Piper talked about the latest draft of her short stories and how happy the publisher was. She even talked about Lucy and shared stories about their time together. Before Piper knew it, it was 2 o'clock and Alex was calling her. She answered quietly and told Alex she'd meet her out the front soon. She went to say goodbye to her dad when he asked a question, "I'd like to meet her properly Piper."

"Ummm, ok."

"You don't have to worry, I'll be nice. But I want to get to know this girl my daughter is living with."

It seemed like a fair request, Piper didn't want to say no, she just hoped Alex would be ok with it. Bill paid for their lunch and walked outside with Piper, walking up to the small silver hatch that was waiting for Piper, Alex standing on the curb, leaning against the door. Lucy was poking her head out of the backseat window.

Bill walked straight up to Alex and extended his hand, "Alex, I'm Bill Chapman, Piper's dad."

Alex was dumbfounded as she reached for his hand, this is definitely not what she was expecting, "hi Bill." Piper was about to interject when her phone rang again, it was her publisher. She answered it hastily and told Alex she wouldn't be long. More silence, even Lucy didn't speak.

"Look, Alex. I'm sorry things didn't start well between us. I've already spoken to Piper about my concerns, but I trust her judgement. I hope I can trust yours."

Alex didn't appreciate the insinuation that she wasn't trustworthy, but it wasn't worth starting a fight over, "you can." Piper finished her call five minutes later, she hugged her dad goodbye before getting into the car with Alex and Lucy.

"Sooo seems like lunch went well?" Alex leaned over and kissed Piper on the cheek, she was relieved to see Piper looking happy given how worried she was about the lunch.

"It did, fuck, I'm so relieved Alex! He said he wouldn't be able to see me often, but it's better than nothing. Can't have mother finding out he's still speaking to their out of control daughter." They chatted more on the drive home, but Piper didn't mention the money offer from her dad. That was a delicate subject, she didn't want to talk about it yet. Lucy was ecstatic that Diane would be home for dinner. She had been working so much lately, none of them had seen her much. Piper and Alex had already discussed how they would split the bills and would not stop until Diane agreed to scale back her shifts. But Alex knew it wasn't just money that drove Diane to work so much, it was a distraction. They were still waiting for Robbie's hearing, and Diane was petrified of what might happen.