Thank you once again for your lovely reviews. You guys sure know how to make a girl happy!
The drive to the birthday party is uneventful. Erin sits in the passenger seat absently looking out the window. It is a sunny, bright day. The street she knows so well are alive and bursting with people. The sky is that pretty blue with a few big, white, puffy clouds mixed perfectly in the background. Erin knows the sky is blue and that there are clouds, but today it's like she really sees them and their beauty. And it's moments like these when everything is still that her mind thinks of Nadia.
Which also brings about another point: Erin has some hesitations about going to this birthday party, which mostly stems from what transpired between her and Hank the last time she saw him. She isn't ready to face him, regardless if this Hank doesn't hold what she did against her. What ensued is still fresh in her mind and she doesn't have the luxury of calling what happened 'the past' yet.
They pull up to Hank's driveway and she takes in a deep, slow breath.
Lucy immediately recognizes her surrounding and demands, "Out! I wanna out!" She arches her back and pulls impatiently on the straps of her car seat.
"Hold on, Lucy. I'm coming," Jay says, calmly exiting the car.
He unbuckles an eager Lucy and she leaps into his arms. Jay walks around the car and taps his finger on the passenger window. "Coming?"
"Yeah," Erin says and with some apprehension she steps out of the car.
She lets Jay walk ahead of her with a very excited Lucy in tow. Her excitement is almost comical. Who is ever this excited to see Voight?
Jay walks through the front door with a level of comfort that leaves Erin a bit stunned. "We're here," Jay calls out. He lowers Lucy to the floor and Erin watches the little girl look around expectantly, as if waiting for someone to jump up from behind her. Moments later the backyard door swings opens and Hank appears. The look of complete delight on Lucy's face is endearing, but mostly amusing.
"Papa!" The little girl yells, overflowing with energy and joy. She runs as fast as her little legs can take and leaps into Hank's outstretched arms.
"There's my favorite girl," Hank says.
Hank hugs Lucy a little too tightly and then hoists her on his hip. The grin on his face and the look of pure, unadulterated loved in his eyes for Lucy pulls strongly at Erin's heartstrings. This is a side of Hank she hasn't seen yet. When Erin's gaze finally meets his for the first time she feels a slight burning in the back of her eyes. Guilt and shame and unexpectedly love rise up all at once.
Hank walks over to where Erin is standing and snakes his arm around her. "How're doing, kid?"
"Good," she says, masking the turmoil inside her head.
He gives her shoulders a squeeze and says, "The kid is looking more and more like you every day."
"It's a good thing she looks like her mom," Justin says, entering the room. "No offence Jay."
Jay laughs. "None taken."
Justin ruffles Lucy's hair and then pats Jay on the back. "Hey Erin, Olive is waiting for you out back," Justin adds.
"Oh, okay," Erin says.
"Hey Pop, where tables at?" Justin asks.
"Downstairs," Hank says.
Justin turns to Jay and asks, "Do you mind helping me with them?"
"No, not at all," Jay says.
"I will come too. There are a few chairs we can use." Hank lowers Lucy to the floor and says, "Go with your mom outside to see Jack. Papa will be right there."
The guys disappear down to the basement and Erin stands there, transfixed and maybe still a little stunned. How baffling and impossible it is to see everyone getting along so well. Never in a million years did she think this would have been possible.
She takes a moment to look around the house, a house she pretty much grew up in, and notices that nothing has changed. Even the earthy, firewood smell still lingers. Erin feels like she doesn't deserve to be here. Suddenly she shivers, unsure whether she will be able to handle the emotion surging through her. But before she completely loses it, she feels a small hand tugging at hers.
"Come, Mamma," Lucy says, pointing to the back door. "See Jack!"
Erin looks down at this small person whom she still has a hard time believing is real. But again, maybe she is just a figment of Erin's wild imagination – like everything else. This whole life might be an alternative realty conjured by her mind –like a coping mechanism. People sometimes escape their horrific reality by making up a new one. Maybe this is what is happening.
Nonetheless, she takes Lucy's little hand in hers and together they walk outside.
Erin keeps busy helping with the party preparation while the guys set up the chairs and tables. Before she realizes it, the party is well under way and little kids are running around the yard in a flurry of giggles and squeals. She is surprised to see Adam and a very pregnant Kim arrive. Erin welcomes the ruckus, it keeps her mind in check – keeps her from thinking too much. But at some point the commotion gets to her. She distances herself from the crowd and walks to the far corner of the fenced yard, finding a bit of tranquility and enchantment while watching the kids play. She is so engrossed in her own head that she doesn't see Jay coming.
"Out with it," he says, leaning against the fence next to her.
"What?" Erin asks.
"You've been miles away all day," he says, taking a swig of his beer. "And I was talking to Burgess and she said you didn't drink that much, so we can skip the bad hand over excuse. So, what's going on?"
She shakes her head. "Nothing really."
Erin closes her eyes and feels the gentle breeze whisk by.
Jay decides not to push the subject and instead he watches her spellbound gaze on Lucy, who is running around the yard with the other kids. Her pigtails are loose and strands of her hair are flying everywhere. Her blue dress has grass and other unknown stains all over it.
"She's going to conk out tonight."
Erin laughs. "I don't think she has stopped for a single second."
"That's our Lucy," Jay says and sips his beer.
Erin sighs and looks at Jay. "I heard you talking to Ruzek earlier." Jay looks at her questioningly and she adds, "About Lucy."
"What about it?" Jay asks and takes a swig of his beer.
"You told him you were scared when you found out I was pregnant."
"Yeah, of course I was scared."
"When did you stop being scared?" Erin asks and looks at Jay.
Jay looks at Erin then wistfully at Lucy. "The day she was born, when we almost lost her, remember?"
Erin frowns. We almost lost her? "H-How come?" Erin asks, her heart sinking to the pit of her stomach.
Jay exhales and takes another sip of his beer – a little liquid encouragement. "That was the day I realized how much I wanted her. Everything I was worried about didn't matter anymore." Jay shakes his head as if to shake the memory away. "Seeing her all purple and limp when she came out really put everything into perspective."
Erin hears his word and her heart breaks. She has no idea what happened – and she honestly doesn't want to know— but the thought of something happening to Lucy sends a shiver down her spine.
"She's one of the two best things I have," Jay states and takes another swig at his beer. "You being the other."
Erin smiles. There's a beat of silence and in the background plates clatter, voices rises and fall, and the occasional laughter breaks out. The silence prevails until Erin surprises herself by saying, "I wish Nadia was here to meet Lucy."
She doesn't really know why she let it slip. Again, this place always makes her more vulnerable, more unguarded. She looks at Jay for a reaction, but it doesn't come. Instead he looks tenderly at her and asks, "Have you been thinking about Nadia today?"
Erin nods and her eyes prickle. Sometimes the pain of Nadia's death draws closer instead of away with each passing day. Even when she's lying awake, she hears the drumbeat in her head: your fault, your fault.
Jay moves closer to her and says, "Lucy would have loved Nadia."
Erin nods and turns her face away, regretting having mentioned her name.
"Hey." Jay says, prompting her to look at him. "Talking about her is okay, remember?" When Erin doesn't responds he asks, "What made you think of her today? It's been a while since you mentioned her."
Erin looks around at the crowd of smiling faces and says, "Maybe seeing everyone together… I don't know…" She lets the sentence linger.
Erin realizes that this is the first time she's mentioned Nadia to Jay since she died. From a very young age Erin learned to conceal her emotions – keep them under lock and key. This method has worked well, but it's currently backfiring. Maybe she should take her own advice and lean on her team – Lucy and Jay.
Speaking of Lucy, the little girl spots the two of them and runs in their direction. Jay walks to her encounter and she flings herself in his arms.
"You having fun?" He asks.
"Uh-hum," Lucy hums.
"I bet you are." He walks back towards Erin and the little girl sighs and rests her head on his shoulders. Erin runs her hand over Lucy's sweaty forehead and then plants a kiss her flushed cheek.
"Battery running low," Jay states. "I think it's time for a recharge." He pokes Lucy's side and she squeals blissfully.
"C'mon," he says snaking his free arm around Erin. "I think it's almost time for cake."
"Cah-ke?" Lucy parrots, her head instantly popping up from Jay's shoulder.
"Uh-huh, and I think they have lollipops too," Jay says.
"Lollies!?" Lucy chirps.
"Yup," Jay says. "Now let's get us some cake!"
The party eventually runs its course and before Erin knows it they are saying their good byes. Then once again Erin finds herself staring out the passenger window –the engine noise, the repetition of stop signs and streetlights makers her calm. She looks at Jay and he beams her an easy smile. She looks to the backseat and Lucy is slumped sideways asleep, holding a red lollipop in her hand.
For a moment wishes she could stay here.
Can she?
Thank you for reading. And as usual, I will do my best to answer your review!